We have arrived at the Berkshires, where Dorinda is hosting, the house is decorated beautifully, and absolutely nobody has time to appreciate any of it because the Housewives have brought enough unresolved grudges to fill the entire fossil bed.
First up: Luann and Bethenny are fighting over who named Skinnygirl.
Yes, really.
Luann points out that she was there when Bethenny introduced Skinnygirl on television, which seems like a pretty important piece of evidence in this particular archaeological dig. As far as I can tell, that’s about as far as Luann’s involvement goes. But Bethenny is not exactly in the mood for a historical discussion.
Luann tries to make normal chit-chat with Bethenny.
Bethenny is not having it.
Instead, Bethenny moves one seat over so she can talk mad shit about Luann. Luann calls her on it, and Bethenny is off.
The other women say Bethenny is like a sniper. I think she is smart, successful, and kind of mean, but hey, that’s just me.
Then Luann says she and Bethenny have the same hair, and Bethenny gets big mad.
Apparently, we can discuss Skinnygirl, men, friendships, and every other Housewives grievance known to mankind, but suggesting two women have similar hair is where civilization collapses.
Carole arrives.
Yawn.
Bethenny goes off about how Luann steals men, like it’s any of her business.
Meanwhile, the house is super festive and fun, by the way. Who has time to notice that?
Because now Ramona is mad, and naturally, it’s about Tom.
According to Ramona, Luann stole him away from her.
Girl, you got off lucky. Move on.
Carole says she would have stayed home if she knew Luann was coming.
Here’s the thing, chick: you are on a show together.
Like Dorinda says, deal with it.
Carole complains a lot.
Jules is there. Remember her?
Bethenny is actually talking to Jules, but mostly so she can talk more shit about Luann. At this point, Luann is basically the guest of honor at her own roast.
Luann starts talking about the hair again, and Bethenny can’t take it.
She starts screaming about all the men Luann sleeps with, and it gets crude and gross. Bethenny is not exactly a virgin herself. None of these women are, and honestly, that’s part of the fun. They’re grown women. They date, they have sex, they talk about sex, and sometimes they make questionable choices involving men named Tom.
But Bethenny seems particularly fixated on Luann’s sex life.
Luann is genuinely shocked and wants to know what Bethenny’s issue with her is. Bethenny gives some kind of explanation, but mostly it seems like she is mad that Luann is getting laid on the regular.
And Bethenny is shouting.
It is shrill.
At this point, she doesn’t care if Luann is the biggest whore in Macy’s window. She just wishes Luann would admit it. I wish I were the biggest whore in Macy’s window. It sounds like fun. She flat out calls Luann a “slut,” and suddenly I feel like it’s fifth grade. Do people really get offended by this shit anymore?
Bethenny goes off about Luann’s influence on Sonja, again as if it’s any of her business.
Dorinda is starting to get big mad about all the discord in her beautiful Blue Stone Manor.
She might want to get used to it.
Luann calls Bethenny a piece of shit, and fair enough. Bethenny seems pleased with herself, but then says she is embarrassed. Okay.
Jules and Luann go outside for a cigarette because apparently that’s where you go when things have gotten completely out of control.
Luann wants to vent.
Jules tells her that she just got off the phone with her dad, who may be dying.
Luann responds, “It was so ugly, what she just said to me.”
Um.
Luann doesn’t care, though. She cuts Jules off again and again so she can talk about herself. It’s gross. Jules reminds her that they are there for Dorinda, which is probably the nicest way anyone could possibly say, “Read the room.”
Dorinda comes out, and Luann blames her for not intervening and letting Bethenny attack her.
Dorinda has had it.
Meanwhile, Bethenny is still talking about her hair and finally realizes that it actually does look like Luann’s.
Oh, well.
One less thing to be mad about.
Bethenny says she feels bad for ruining Dorinda’s event, but she’s also laughing and clearly very proud of herself. I don’t believe her for a second.
Dorinda goes to Bethenny to try to talk her down a little.
Suddenly, everyone except Luann is in Bethenny’s room talking about Luann.
Luann tells Ramona she’s going to leave. They go into the kitchen to talk trash, and somehow the conversation turns to Dorinda’s birthday cake.
And then it happens.
The Bezerkshires.
A full Dorinda meltdown.
Dorinda overhears them talking about the cake and goes bananas.
Her mother made the cake, and she does not want to hear any criticism of it.
She is spitting, slurring, yelling, and delivering Dorinda at her absolute finest.
She thinks everyone is acting very poorly.
She made it nice.
She thinks the women are being disgraceful.
Of course they are, Dorinda.
She tells them that if they can’t behave, they can all go home.
And suddenly everyone is quiet.
And a little sorry.
Mission accomplished.
Back on the Upper East Side, Sonja, who was left out of the Berkshires weekend after the Tipsy Girl fiasco, is getting vaginal rejuvenation.
It’s always nice to see Sonja.
But I am not sure we need to see THIS.
After the Dorinda explosion, the women decide to try to start over and exchange presents.
Jules brought everyone board games to play.
Carole says it’s very Asian of her.
Isn’t this the same woman who was just complaining about Luann being culturally tone deaf?
Hypocrisy much?
Bethenny, meanwhile, is still bitching.
She doesn’t want to spend time with people she doesn’t like.
She is on the wrong show.
Lady, you are very well compensated to spend time with people you don’t like. Suck it up.
And then we have another important development at Blue Stone Manor.
Ramona’s dog, Coco, is shitting everywhere.
Only Ramona’s dog would have manners like this. Honestly, it all seems fitting.
Bethenny says the funny thing is that she actually likes Luann.
Wait, what?
No, you don’t.
Carole is mad that Luann called her a pedophile over the Adam situation and then invited her to her holiday party.
Bitch, go to the party, collect your paycheck, and go home to bang your 28-year-old boyfriend.
Quiet your bitching.
Dorinda made it nice.
Carole says Luann is the only one making everyone feel uncomfortable.
This is approximately ten minutes after Bethenny was screaming “SLUT” in the formal dining room.
Carole is really full of it.
Ramona and Luann are at the table discussing Luann’s apology to Carole. They decide to double down on it, sending a text saying that the pedophile comment was over the top.
Neither of them can figure out how to spell “pedophile.”
It is a classic Housewives moment.
I love it.
Carole is eavesdropping, because of course she is.
This whole thing is a mess, and yet I still want to be there.
I want to wear a Christmas onesie and drink martinis with Dorinda.
I want it all.
Except Bethenny shouting.
Why do the Berkshires always look so beautiful even with all these old dinosaurs screaming their heads off?
I don’t know the answer, but I am here for it.
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