So, I have been doing a lot of recaps by request lately, and it has been a lot of fun, so please keep emailing them or putting your requests in the comments. Today, I am being a little selfish and tackling one of my personal favorite Jersey episodes. I will tell you why as we go.
Let’s begin, shall we?
We jump right in to Bimini, in the Bahamas. Melissa, Joe Gorga, Teresa, Joe B., and Marge are there for Danielle’s wedding.
Melissa and Joe Gorga lie in the sun for a bit, and Melissa is getting ready for a bridesmaid photo shoot that Danielle has demanded. Joe Gorga thinks Marty, Danielle’s fiancé, is in for a real ride. They discuss Danielle badmouthing Marty’s kids at dinner the night before, and neither of them is particularly impressed.
Marge, meanwhile, is pissy about the bride-squad photos. She is not in the same shape as the other women and feels self-conscious about it.
I would, too. I wouldn’t want to do this photo shoot at all. Being a bridesmaid sucks. I am glad those days are over.
Teresa calls Dolores back home and fills her in on the drama so far, including the whole situation with Marty’s kids. Dolores is glad she isn’t there.
Dolores then tells Teresa that Jackie asked her to lunch to discuss Teresa. Jackie and Teresa did not get off to a good start, and apparently, that is still very much an issue.
The women head off to the photo shoot, and Danielle is already mad that some of them are running late. Danielle’s daughters are really beautiful, although they don’t say much.
Marge is still self-conscious about the bathing suit photographs, while the water in Bimini looks absolutely gorgeous. Danielle, naturally, is bitching. No one is putting her first. She is particularly annoyed that Marge won’t take her pants off.
The whole thing is ridiculous.
I would never take part in this. But then again, I am kind of a buzzkill.
Teresa and Melissa, however, are team players. They literally jump when Danielle says to jump, and Danielle actually manages to crack a couple of smiles for the photos.
Joe Gorga, Marty, and Joe B. hang out together, and we are about to get some of my favorite scenes. My husband loves them, too, and believe it or not, he can actually get sick of my Housewives digs.
The women have lunch after the photo shoot, and Danielle is still pretty grumpy pants. They gossip a little about Jackie, including her comment a couple of episodes ago that if Teresa could control Joe Giudice, he wouldn’t be in jail. Teresa thinks it took nerve and was a low blow.
Teresa doesn’t get analogies. Remember?
Back with the guys, they head out for conch, which I absolutely love. I want to be on this outing.
Joe Gorga and Joe B. start breaking Marty’s balls, saying Danielle has him whipped before they are even married. Marty insists he can’t help it. Danielle is just so hot.
That’s a loyal man right there.
Or a whipped one.
They are really ragging on Marty now, and he is starting to steam. The Joes are having the absolute best time. It’s great.
Joe B. goes especially hard, and Marty says he doesn’t care what they think, but he is getting visibly annoyed. They think Danielle is going to bankrupt him. Marty defends his relationship and insists that it is equal.
The Joes bring up the dinner the night before and how disrespectful Danielle was about Marty’s children. Marty says Danielle is a challenge and that he likes that.
Good boy, Marty.
They move on to eating the conch. Joe Gorga can’t pronounce it. Lol.
They make even more jokes about Marty losing his balls, and Marty is deathly silent about it. I am dying. Joe B. calls Marty a bitch, and Marty does not like it, but I absolutely love it.
This is the kind of shit we only get from the Jersey men, and I am here for it. It feels like home.
Joe B. tries to backtrack, but he does it poorly, and Marty responds by throwing his drink all over Joe B.’s balls.
I die.
This is fabulous. I could watch this scene over and over.
Joe Gorga tries to save the day by explaining that the Joes were just busting Marty’s balls to see if he really loved Danielle. Great news! He passed.
Marty looks unconvinced.
Joe Gorga looks drunk.
Joe B.’s balls are still wet.
Joe Gorga tells us that it was no test, and Marty is IN for it.
He is so right.
Back in Jersey, Dolores and Jackie meet for lunch to discuss the Teresa situation. Jackie wants to reconcile with Teresa.
What’s to reconcile? They got off on the wrong foot and stayed there. Teresa hates her.
Dolores and Jackie gossip about Danielle, agree that she is crazy, and wonder how she can find 25 fiancés while Dolores can’t find one.
It’s a good question, and I have some theories.
None of them are safe for work.
Dolores thinks Jackie’s comment about Joe Giudice was out of line and completely understands why Teresa lost her shit over it. Jackie still thinks it was crazy that Teresa screamed and cursed at her.
Jackie acts like she has never seen the show.
We all know she was a superfan before being cast.
Dolores tries to explain Italians to Jackie.
Isn’t Jackie from Staten Island? Has she really never met an Italian?
Whatever.
Jackie explains that her parents were also arrested and that her dad “went away” while her mom was on house arrest. This happened when Jackie was in college. Dolores doesn’t really see the correlation to Teresa’s situation, but Jackie keeps explaining herself.
Jackie needs a lot of coddling.
Still, she and Dolores leave things on good terms, so I guess we will call that a win.
Oh, my God. Here it is.
Blink and you will miss it.
Back in the Bahamas, Joe Gorga comes stumbling through the sliding glass door into his room, spills his drink, slips, and face-plants directly onto the ground.
He is so drunk.
I live for this scene.
He gets himself back up, picks up his ice cubes, and makes his way over to the table. He grabs the leftovers from breakfast and says, “Thank God for leftovers” as he starts grabbing handfuls of bacon.
It is amazing.
This is why I love this episode.
Melissa comes in with Teresa and asks why Joe is wet.
Drunk Joey G. says he doesn’t know.
Joe tries to tell the two of them about the day with Marty and Joe B. He can barely get the story out between laughing and stuffing his face with food, but somehow manages to make it to the punchline: Marty throwing his drink all over Joe B.’s balls.
Joe Gorga tells Teresa and Melissa that he told Marty, “Don’t let the pussy whip you. You whip the pussy.”
Solid, old-school advice.
In Marge’s room, a fairly sober Joe B. also fills Marge in on the afternoon. She is super annoyed that Joe B. was teasing Marty like that the day before the wedding.
All the women agree Danielle is going to flip her lid when she hears about this.
I would be mad at my husband, too. Being a bridesmaid is bad enough. Don’t add more drama to the mix.
Especially not with Danielle.
Back in Jersey, Jennifer Aydin visits her dad and brother at her brother Michael’s jewelry store.
Jennifer wears SO much jewelry.
It’s a choice.
They discuss her brother’s engagement, and Jennifer explains a little about Syrian Orthodox marriage traditions. It’s actually interesting. I like learning about other cultures, and I enjoy seeing these little glimpses into the women’s families and backgrounds.
But let’s be honest: it’s nothing compared to Marty throwing his drink on Joe B.’s balls or Joe Gorga face-planting into his hotel room.
Those are the moments of this episode.
It’s time for Danielle’s rehearsal dinner, and everyone is getting glammed up.
Marge keeps talking about the weather and how it is going to rain. Danielle takes this super personally. It is clear she is not happy with Marge and may have already heard about the guys’ chat earlier that afternoon.
The tension between Marge and Danielle is thick, but Joe B. promises to keep his mouth shut.
Danielle, however, doesn’t waste any time questioning Joe Gorga about whether or not he said Danielle is only with Marty for his money. Marty says that Joe B. is in on it, too.
Joe Gorga gets scared and calls Joe B. over.
Danielle is not leaving any survivors, and Joe Gorga is not going down alone.
Danielle asks Joe B. if he thinks she is with Marty for his money, and there is a long, uncomfortable pause.
Oh, boy.
After some prodding from Marge, Joe B. says he is debating his answer before finally saying he was just busting Marty’s chops. Danielle thinks it all comes from Marge. Joe Gorga once again saves the day and says that the afternoon’s conversation just proved how much Marty loves Danielle. Danielle seems pleased, for now.
The wedding day dawns with no rain in sight, and Joe Gorga’s head hurts.
I bet.
Marge is still miffed at Joe B. for causing trouble. Danielle is getting ready when Melissa, Teresa, and Marge all arrive for hair and makeup with their hair wet.
I mean, she is pissed.
The women look scared and immediately scramble to dry their own hair. Danielle is especially hard on Marge.
Danielle starts in on the Joe B. comments again, and Marge has had it.
She is sick of Danielle picking at her the entire trip. Marge calls Danielle out for treating her worse than anybody else, and we see flashbacks of all the times Danielle has been on her case.
Danielle refuses to move past anything.
Marge is grossed out by Danielle’s behavior in general, and she finally reaches her breaking point. She says she is getting on a plane and leaving.
She won’t be in the wedding.
Marge storms off, and Danielle goes after her. Marge tells Danielle she needs to stop the bridezilla shit and back off of her.
Danielle is suddenly calm and apologetic.
She wants Marge to stay, and she gets her way. I think Danielle is used to getting her way.
Marge is starting to think Dolores was right about Danielle, and we see scenes of Dolores calling Danielle a “liar,” “psychopath,” and “scumbag,” so that about sums up what Dolores thinks about her.
Danielle comes out in her wedding dress, and she looks really pretty. The wedding setup on the beach is just breathtaking, and Danielle FINALLY looks happy.
The wedding goes off without a hitch. Marty and Danielle exchange vows, no one gets a drink thrown on them, and everyone is smiling.
It’s a beautiful wedding, but the star of the show, for me, is clearly the drunk Joes.
I laugh out loud at those scenes every time I see them, and they are so uniquely Jersey. It was fun digging them up.
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