The Jersey girls are at the Jersey Shore, and some major shit has gone down. Teresa is staying at Jen’s rental and is supposed to host a barbecue that evening. The only problem is that Teresa has stormed out and left Jen completely in the lurch.
Teresa is pissed that everyone is talking about Luis and his increasingly bizarre beach video. Jen tries calling her, but Teresa isn’t answering, because apparently the best way to resolve a group-wide scandal is to simply disappear.
Jen’s new nose is also making its debut, and I’m going to need some time to process that.
Over at Melissa’s, she’s getting ready to head to the barbecue while Marge and Jackie are staying with her. Jen calls Bill, who is on his way over, and tells him Teresa has abandoned her. Neither of them knows what to do.
So now Jen is stuck hosting a party for a bunch of people she doesn’t particularly like, which is exactly the sort of situation you want when you’re already having a terrible day.
Dolores admits that Jen does say some stupid things, but she thinks Jackie is the real problem for questioning her loyalty to Jen.
Bill shows up with three bags of liquor, so this should be a fun night.
Everyone arrives, and Teresa is still MIA. Marge says things are awkward with Bill since she revealed his affair, and I would certainly imagine this is true. Nothing makes a party more comfortable than having the woman who exposed your husband’s affair sitting across the table from you.
Speaking of awkward, Jen explains to everyone that Teresa has taken off. They all agree it has to do with Luis and the stories about his increasingly infamous beach video.
Everyone grabs a drink and heads outside. I have a feeling they won’t make it to dinner. It is Jersey, after all.
Melissa says she feels like Jen goes after her a lot. Jen insists she’s just teasing, but Melissa isn’t buying it.
Oh, good! They’re eating. Frank Catania will be so happy.
Meanwhile, Teresa and Luis get into a Sprinter van and head to the barbecue. Luis looks like he’s shitting bricks about seeing all of the women, which is probably not an unreasonable reaction considering this group has been discussing his strange beach behavior all day.
Teresa blames Marge for ever mentioning Luis’s video and, more importantly, for mentioning all of its weirdness. Because if there’s one thing Teresa is going to do, it’s find the person responsible for a problem and make sure it is absolutely not Luis.
They arrive at the barbecue, and both Teresa and Luis seem completely on edge. The guys ask Luis where he’s been and try to make conversation with him. It is followed by a long, painful silence.
Marge asks Teresa why she left in a fit, which Teresa denies, despite the fact that we literally just watched her storm out.
Teresa then asks what the women have to say to her, because she doesn’t want them talking behind her back anymore.
And now we’re off.
Marge says nothing is going on behind Teresa’s back, but admits that everyone is concerned about the video. Teresa says she doesn’t care about Luis’s past, which would be a much more convincing statement if she weren’t currently screaming at everyone for discussing it.
Luis tries to explain the video, but Teresa won’t let him get a word in. Which is unfortunate, because he is the person everyone is actually asking about.
Marge asks why Teresa is being so defensive, and Teresa immediately goes after her for being nasty and talking behind her back.
Luis briefly breaks in to ask Teresa to calm down, but that’s a lost cause. At this point, telling Teresa to calm down is about as effective as telling the Jersey Shore to have a quiet dinner.
Luis randomly tells Marge that she couldn’t intimidate him on her best day. He then announces that he’s going to leave if Teresa won’t let him speak.
He keeps insisting that nothing intimidates him, which is a strange thing to repeat this many times unless something is, in fact, intimidating you.
Marge asks him directly about the video, and Luis launches into a lengthy explanation that mostly consists of him talking in circles. There are a lot of words, very little clarity, and absolutely nothing that makes the whole thing sound less bizarre.
He blah blah blahs his way through the explanation for a while, and by the end of it, I still have no idea what the hell was going on in that video.
It all sounds like bullshit.
Teresa is still furious, and Joe Gorga asks her why. Teresa says she’s tired of all the gossip, so Joe points out that her friend Jen is constantly gossiping about him and Melissa. Jen has called him a crook, and the Gorgas are understandably pissed.
Teresa starts screaming at Marge, and then Marge and Jen launch into their own argument about infidelity. At this point, nobody is even pretending this is about Luis anymore.
Dolores is completely over it. Bill wisely walks away from the entire situation, which may be the smartest decision anyone has made all night.
The women start arguing about who spreads worse rumors, everyone is screaming over everyone else, and we have officially arrived at peak Jersey.
And then Tiki Barber arrives.
Remember when Jersey tried to make Tiki happen?
He didn’t.
Melissa goes after Jen for being a hater, and Jen insists she doesn’t actually know anything about the Gorgas. She’s just repeating what she’s heard, which is certainly one way to defend yourself while simultaneously admitting you are spreading gossip.
Jen says it’s all retaliation for the shit Joe and Melissa have said about her. Then she turns to Joe and calls him a “little bitch girl,” and I laugh.
Honestly, “crook” is probably preferable.
Melissa is stunned. Jen, meanwhile, is completely unfazed by her own choice of words.
Melissa gets out of her seat with her hands flying, and Jen gets up too. Within seconds, they’re wrestling with each other, each trying to get the other woman’s hands out of her face.
And there it is: the Jersey Shore barbecue has officially become a physical altercation. Welcome to Jersey, bitches. Buckle up.
Dolores separates them as Melissa and Jen continue calling each other losers. Bill is still nowhere in sight.
Jackie calls Jen an asshole, and Jen immediately accuses her of being disloyal. At this point, Jen has apparently decided that everyone at her own party is the enemy.
Jen finally kicks them all out of the house.
Dolores says Jen’s mouth gets her into trouble, but she also agrees that the other women tend to gang up on her. Which is fair, considering Jen’s mouth seems to be working overtime tonight.
On the way back to her house, Melissa tells everyone that Bill can’t stand Jen. This is perhaps the least surprising revelation of the evening.
Melissa also can’t believe that Teresa didn’t stand up for Joe Gorga during the fight. She pulls out her phone and texts Teresa, asking why Teresa didn’t leave with them.
Teresa tells Melissa that Jen will make everything better tomorrow at Melissa’s party.
Melissa is not having it. She says there is absolutely no way Jen is still invited.
The next day, Melissa is still annoyed, but she’s looking forward to her party. Dolores and Frank rehash the fight, and Dolores thinks Melissa started it by charging Jen.
And I agree. I’d probably react, too.
Over at Jen’s, she calls Bill out for abandoning her during the fight. Bill looks like he would rather be anywhere else on Earth and is one step away from running for the pool house.
At Melissa’s, everyone sits down for breakfast and generally agrees that Jen is to blame for the fight that Melissa started.
Over at Jen’s, the sentiment is quite the opposite. There, Jen gets plenty of support for her side of the story.
Jen thanks Teresa for having her back, but then asks if Teresa thinks Melissa should have charged her.
Teresa says no.
At Melissa’s pink party, Melissa asks Dolores what happened at Jen’s after everyone left. Dolores calls Melissa out for charging Jen, but admits she probably would have hit her, too.
The other women think Jen is disgusting, while Dolores continues to have Jen’s back. Dolores and Jackie get into it a bit, and it is becoming increasingly obvious that Dolores cannot stand Jackie. She again points out that the women are constantly ganging up on Jen.
Marge, meanwhile, thinks Jen is an asshole. So basically, we’re right back where we started.
Teresa arrives and greets her little bitch of a brother.
Joe Gorga is still shocked that Teresa and Luis stayed with Jen after everything that happened. He also doesn’t believe Jen feels bad about the night before.
Teresa insists that Jen isn’t evil or malicious.
Teresa brings up how Marge is always digging up dirt on people, but Joe still thinks Teresa is wrong for not having his back. He also seems to have forgotten all the times he’s called Teresa “scum” and “garbage” over the years.
Everyone piles onto Teresa about her loyalty, and she starts crying. Joe is her only family, and she doesn’t want any more trouble with him.
Eventually, Teresa storms off, leaving us to wonder if anyone is actually going to go after her.
Because if there’s one thing this group loves almost as much as a fight, it’s chasing someone down after they dramatically leave the room.
So many fractured fossils in this little ecosystem.
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