RHONY, Season 11, Episode 15–Life is Not a Cabaret

We’re in Miami, where the dinosaurs are waking up after another night of questionable decisions.

Tinsley gets a text from some guy inviting her out for a drink, which seems like a perfectly reasonable way to begin the day when you are a Real Housewife.

Meanwhile, everyone has decided it’s time to address Sonja’s drinking.

This is not exactly coming out of nowhere. Sonja has spent most of the trip face-planting, dancing on glass tables, and generally behaving like a dinosaur who has discovered an open bar and no supervision.

Bethenny heads into Sonja and Ramona’s room and tells Sonja that she gets completely out of control when she drinks.

Sonja thinks Bethenny is overreacting.

Naturally.

Then Luann walks in, and Bethenny suggests that Sonja go to an AA meeting with the Countess. Luann agrees.

Ramona comes down to the kitchen and says she wants the man who has been texting Tinsley, and she’s not going to give up on him.

Tinsley pulls out a photo of Ramona making out with the inevitable Harry Dubin.

All of the women enjoy seeing it.

Sonja gets ready for the meeting, and Luann tells her that she is inappropriately dressed. Sonja changes into something else.

Barbara says she feels left out of the group and wonders if it’s because nobody likes her. The women call her out for being distant and not making more of an effort to connect with them.

Barbara cries, and Bethenny tells her that she needs to make more of an effort with the women. Bethenny says Luann should help Barbara get to know everyone, and Barbara agrees that she feels abandoned by Luann.

Sonja is reluctant to go to the meeting with Luann because she finds Luann so bossy. But she goes.

The other women head off to a hotel to have lunch by the pool. They have a rented house with a chef and a pool, so I don’t really understand why they’re going to a hotel, but whatever.

After the meeting, Sonja is emotional from hearing so many sad stories. She can’t shake the feeling of despair and wishes she could help people. She tells the other women that the meeting wasn’t for her.

Then Sonja discovers that her seat is wet and starts flipping out. The sand and the water at the beach aren’t for her either. She wants to leave and starts crying.

Luann isn’t interested and just wants to eat lunch while the other women try to calm Sonja down. Sonja keeps going on about how sad the meeting was and how much it affected her.

Most of the women decide to get the food to go, but Luann wants to swim, damn it.

Bethenny says Luann is devoid of humanity.

The other women head back to the house for lunch, while Luann spends hours alone on the beach, which honestly doesn’t sound like a bad deal at all.

Then we see Luann at The Fillmore Theater, checking out her own Cabaret poster and posing for a picture.

Ramona says that Luann thinks all of the women are just jealous of her success.

Barbara is starting to realize how self-involved Luann is.

The women get massages, and Barbara takes Luann’s spot since Luann is MIA. Luann eventually comes back and doesn’t get her massage, which leaves her miffed.

Dorinda and Sonja call Luann out for abandoning Sonja when she was upset. Luann doesn’t seem to understand what she did wrong.

Luann thinks Sonja just wants attention.

Sonja says she didn’t even want to go to the meeting with Luann because Luann is the one who likes attention.

They shout at each other for a while before finally hugging and making up. They agree that they are both divas.

Tinsley is flirting hard with Brett, the man Ramona wants. Sorry, Ramona. I think this guy is going to prefer Tinsley. Ramona is scary and awkward with men.

Tinsley agrees to meet Brett for a drink before dinner.

Luann is still pissed about missing her massage. She also didn’t have anyone to do her hair.

Ramona tries to get Luann to hurry up so they can leave for dinner, but Luann is still pouting.

Tinsley goes on her drink date with Brett and shares everything from the health of her ovaries to her criminal record.

The other women leave Luann and Ramona behind and spend the drive talking shit about Luann.

Luann is finally ready, and she and Ramona head to the restaurant.

The women spy on Tinsley, and she is kissing her date, so that seems to be going well so far.

A tipsy Tinsley makes her way over to the table, and Luann and Ramona finally arrive.

Luann complains about missing her massage and not having anyone to do her hair. She says she is always last.

Barbara asks Luann where she was all day, and Luann tells everyone about her swim and her poster.

Barbara confronts Luann about not being there for her, despite everything Barbara has done for Luann. Barbara wants Luann to have her back.

Luann brushes it off and tries to hug it away, but Bethenny tells Luann that she should let Barbara finish her thoughts.

Barbara says that her relationship with Bethenny is one-sided.

Luann thinks the women have brainwashed Barbara and turned her against her.

Tinsley interjects, slurring her words, and Luann mocks her. Yes, Luann, the cocktail queen who tumbles in bushes and sleeps with pirates.

All of the women think Luann is being ridiculous.

It triggers Bethenny, who tells Luann that she is insufferable.

Bethenny starts screaming, Tinsley starts screaming, and Luann goes into Countess mode, appalled by their behavior.

Luann accuses the women of trying to tear her down.

Bethenny asks Luann when the last time was that she asked about Dennis’ death. She accuses Luann of dining out on her sobriety, and she has a point.

Bethenny says that she and Dennis both helped Luann, and that Luann is insane for not checking in on Bethenny after Dennis died.

Luann says she is going to leave, and Bethenny hops out of her chair, screaming that she did Luann’s intervention and that Luann is only concerned about her cabaret.

Life is NOT actually a cabaret.

Luann tells Bethenny to look at herself, and Bethenny tells her to take a look in the fucking mirror because she is an asshole.

Bethenny is now full-scale hyperventilating and shrieking in a restaurant. A pretty nice one, actually.

She is careful to list all of Luann’s drunken misdeeds while screaming at her, particularly the fact that Luann left rehab early to perform.

Bethenny screams at Luann that she is a psycho.

Then Bethenny collapses in tears, and we are told that this shit show will be continued…