We are back in Salt Lake City. I am reviewing as many iconic episodes as possible before the new season starts, so feel free to comment and give me more episode suggestions.
The ladies are still in Zion, and they were up late partying the night before. Today, they split up for a day of activities. Heather and Lisa have a little date to go horseback riding, Whitney and Jen are going to ride ATVs, and the other women are headed to the spa.
It is a very normal, relaxing day in Zion, which means we can probably expect everything to go completely off the rails before dinner.
After horseback riding, Heather and Lisa discuss Lisa’s issue with the group, most of which stem from her defending Meredith. Lisa tells Heather that she and Meredith have tension between them, and Heather says they can all sense it.
Lisa and Heather agree that Meredith does not show up for Lisa. This seems to be a recurring problem in their friendship: Lisa is expected to support Meredith through everything, while Meredith doesn’t necessarily return the favor.
After the ATV ride, Jen and Whitney discuss Meredith flipping out the day before. Meredith had been at her father’s memorial and had to come to the trip late, but now the women are all confused about exactly when this memorial happened, and for some reason this has become a major issue.
Meredith just wants everyone to leave her alone about it. Honestly, I don’t blame her. Her father died, she had a memorial, and now she’s being interrogated about the exact date like she’s trying to establish an alibi.
The women think Meredith is lying and used the memorial as an excuse not to come on the bus with them. Jen says she can’t trust Meredith if Meredith lies.
This is especially rich coming from Jen Shah, who is currently facing federal charges for running a telemarketing fraud scheme. The woman is literally awaiting trial for fraud and is suddenly the integrity police. The hypocrisy is doing Olympic-level gymnastics.
Heather and Lisa say Meredith has given them two different dates for her father’s memorial, which means they have concluded that she must be lying to one of them. I still don’t understand why this matters so much. Her father died. She had a memorial. She was grieving. Why are we conducting a forensic investigation into the calendar?
Whitney thinks Meredith has a vendetta against Jen, although she doesn’t actually know why. Jen says Mary says mean things to her, and Whitney brings up the allegations surrounding Mary’s church. They decide that Mary and Meredith think they’re better than the other women.
They probably do.
Meanwhile, over at the spa, Jennie, Meredith, and Mary are getting massages. Mary gets hers fully clothed and wearing sunglasses, which is one of the most Mary Cosby things I have ever seen. I didn’t expect to love her, but I kinda do.
After their massages, they discuss the shifting alliances and all the tension in the group. Meredith thinks the entire situation is like a bad game of telephone, which is probably the most accurate description anyone has given for this cast.
Mary excuses herself from the conversation, because she obviously hates Jennie and would rather leave than spend another five minutes pretending otherwise. At this point, the Mary and Jennie relationship has officially become one of the strangest grudges on this show.
Back at their villa, Mary tells Jen and Whitney that they are dirty and need a shower, and then calls to check in on her son, which is sad. He seemed like he had some issues, but he was a nice kid.
Everyone gets ready for dinner, and Jen is hosting a Cinco de Mayo party in honor of Mary calling her a “Mexican thug.”
Meredith tells Whitney that she is uncomfortable going to the party because Jen has told the courts she has no assets, yet is paying for this party. Meredith doesn’t want to be involved.
Whitney says the husbands paid for the party, so Meredith grabs her maracas and agrees to go.
They sit for dinner and the table looks incredible, which usually spells trouble. Seriously, though, I love Cinco De Mayo and I want a party like this—just with less crazy women. I’d like to be the only one there.
Jen passes out gifts for everyone, and they each get diamond snowflake necklaces that she had originally intended to give them in Vail. Her arrest derailed the Vail trip, but she is still giving everyone the extravagant gift.
Meredith looks uncomfortable but thanks Jen. Whitney thinks it’s odd that Meredith would even accept the gift considering how she felt about the dinner and Jen’s financial situation.
Mary still hasn’t come down to dinner, and everyone agrees that she is being a buzzkill on the trip.
Mary finally makes her entrance, and Whitney immediately asks whether she likes Jennie. Mary simply says no. She insists she isn’t trying to be rude to Jennie and thinks Jennie is actually the rude one. Jennie disagrees, and Mary basically responds that she doesn’t care. This friendship is going beautifully.
Heather points out that the situation is uncomfortable because everyone’s husbands have chipped in for the trip, including Jennie’s. Mary responds by reminding Heather that she doesn’t even have a husband.
Heather fires back that Mary’s husband is her step-granddaddy, so there is that.
And with that, the Cinco de Mayo party is officially heating up.
Mary rolls her eyes and gives the women absolutely nothing. Suddenly, Jen starts yelling at Lisa to stick up for her and be consistent, and Lisa seems genuinely confused about what just triggered this.
Lisa says she is a great friend to everyone and that she is authentic. She also says nobody is ever there for her, which is really the heart of her frustration. Jen leaves the table, and Lisa tells us she is tired of constantly coddling both Jen and Meredith.
Lisa then tells Meredith that the tension with the other women comes from Lisa always defending Meredith and taking her side. And this is where Lisa’s carefully contained frustration starts to boil over.
Lisa tells Mary she is “fucking fake,” and I am not quite sure where that came from. Lisa has clearly reached the point where every unresolved grievance from the entire trip is coming out at once, whether it makes sense or not.
Mary says Lisa still eats candy and her whole life is fake. She eats Taco Bell, for crying out loud, and Mary criticizes her for feeding it to her kids.
Lisa calls out Meredith for not sticking up for her, and Mary calls Lisa a liar. Lisa fires back that Mary’s church is fake and then starts speaking about herself in the third person, which is always a sign that a conversation is going well.
They proceed to attack each other’s character, with Lisa repeatedly circling back to Mary’s church. Mary finally tells Lisa that she will never be welcome there.
Jen comes back to the table, and Heather attempts to make peace between her and Lisa. Meanwhile, Mary and Jennie get into it yet again and once again establish that they do not like each other. I believe this is approximately the hundredth time they have had this conversation.
Whitney expects Mary to be more godly and love everyone. Mary brushes Whitney off, as she does.
Mary says she doesn’t really feel like she is friends with any of the women other than Meredith. Whitney asks how Meredith can be friends with Mary when Mary is so mean, which seems like a perfectly reasonable question at this point.
Lisa is furious when Meredith sticks up for Mary. She storms away from the table, forgetting that she still has her microphone on, and calls John. Lisa proceeds to completely lose her mind over Meredith, unaware that she is about to provide us with one of the greatest hot mic moments in Housewives history.
Lisa says Meredith can go fuck herself, that she is a whore who cheats on her husband, and that her family are a bunch of posers.
Girl, shut your mic!
This shit is going to blow up when Meredith hears it. Lisa says Meredith can’t own a house because her husband changes jobs every five minutes. She is absolutely losing it, and I am living for every second of this.
Back at the table, Whitney asks Meredith if she even had a memorial for her father, and I can’t believe we are back to this. I just want to hear Lisa go off some more!
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