Miami is supposed to be a place where people relax, enjoy the sunshine, drink something expensive, and temporarily forget their problems. Unfortunately, the ladies of Atlanta have arrived, and NeNe Leakes has apparently decided that relaxation is for people who aren’t currently planning to snap somebody’s neck.
We open with Kandi’s tour bus rolling into Miami, but the vacation has already gone spectacularly wrong. Kim and NeNe are in the middle of a fight, and the bus is less a mode of transportation than a mobile courtroom where both parties are serving as judge, jury, and extremely hostile witnesses.
The argument has been building over Kim’s treatment of Sweetie, NeNe’s comments about Sweetie being a slave, and the general deterioration of what was once a friendship. Kim is calling NeNe out, NeNe is calling Kim out, and neither woman appears remotely interested in lowering her voice. The other passengers are stuck in the middle, presumably reconsidering every decision that led them to board this particular vehicle.
NeNe is especially committed to making sure Kim understands the seriousness of the situation. And by seriousness, she means physical violence, described in increasingly creative detail.
She tells Kim she will snap her neck and pop her eyeballs out at the same time. Then she adds the sound effects.
“Boop, boop!”
This is the moment. This is the performance. NeNe isn’t simply threatening Kim; she’s illustrating the procedure. She’s got the words, the gestures, the facial expressions, and the sound design. Somewhere between the neck snapping and the eyeball popping, she has apparently decided that Kim needs a visual demonstration, because ordinary language is no longer sufficient.
And the delivery is what makes it. NeNe has a way of looking directly at someone with the expression of a woman who has already made up her mind, completed the paperwork, and scheduled the appointment. She doesn’t sound like she’s making a threat. She sounds like she’s explaining an upcoming appointment at the Department of Neck Removal.
Kim, for her part, is not backing down. This is one of Kim’s more remarkable qualities. She may be frightened, furious, confused, or all three, but she is not about to let NeNe have the last word. The two continue going back and forth, with the luggage doing more to separate them than either woman’s ability to exercise restraint.
When the bus finally arrives at the Miami mansion, the women waiting outside have no idea what they’re about to witness. Phaedra, Shereé, and Cynthia are expecting a fun weekend celebrating Cynthia’s bachelorette party. Instead, the bus doors open on a traveling production of The Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Musical, starring NeNe Leakes as a woman who has had quite enough.
Shereé is shocked by the scene unfolding in front of her. Kim and NeNe emerge still arguing, and NeNe immediately starts explaining herself. She is not interested in quietly entering the house, putting down her luggage, and allowing the vacation to begin. She has an issue to resolve, and apparently Miami is going to hear about it.
The argument centers on Sweetie and NeNe’s accusation that Kim treats her assistant like a slave. NeNe repeats the accusation, while Kim insists that the language is offensive and that Sweetie is not being held captive in the basement of a Georgia plantation.
NeNe’s insistence that she’s speaking up for Sweetie is complicated by the fact that she keeps calling her a slave right in front of her. It’s an unusual approach to defending someone’s dignity. Sweetie is standing there, presumably wondering how she became the central character in an argument between two women who are both speaking on her behalf without giving her much room to speak for herself.
Kandi eventually emerges from the bus, and the other women are happy to see that she has survived the trip. One can only imagine what it was like being trapped in that vehicle while NeNe and Kim conducted their own traveling version of a hostile workplace seminar.
The ladies attempt to settle into the mansion, which belongs to Kim’s wealthy friend Thomas Kramer. The property is enormous, luxurious, and exactly the sort of place where one might hope to spend a peaceful weekend. Kim greets Thomas enthusiastically, and when she introduces NeNe, NeNe makes it clear that she is not particularly impressed with Kim’s friendship choices.
Thomas has opened his home to these women, and NeNe’s response is essentially to question why he would associate with Kim. It’s a bold hospitality strategy. Most guests start with a thank-you. NeNe starts with a character assessment of the host’s social circle.
Kim and Sweetie eventually have a conversation about the slave comments. Sweetie makes the practical point that slaves don’t get paid, and she does, so apparently the arrangement has some important distinctions. Kim wants to know how Sweetie feels about the way NeNe has been describing their relationship. Sweetie doesn’t seem particularly interested in becoming the centerpiece of a historical reenactment.
The women continue discussing the situation, and the conversation turns to the way Kim treats Sweetie and the way she speaks to Black women. NeNe insists that she’s calling out behavior she finds offensive. Shereé points out that Sweetie is a grown woman who can make her own decisions about working for Kim. It’s a reasonable point, although reason has been noticeably absent from the bus ride.
NeNe, however, is not ready to drop anything. Dropping things is not really her specialty. She has arrived in Miami with a grievance and intends to make sure everyone gets a copy.
The group tries to enjoy a toast and get the weekend back on track. The women are dressed, the drinks are flowing, and there is a brief attempt to behave as though they’re all friends who have voluntarily traveled together. But the tension is still there. NeNe is not finished with Kim, and Kim is not finished responding to NeNe.
Then there’s the matter of the promotional tour. Kim and Kandi are preparing for their final performance, and Kim is determined to show that she can hold her own. Kandi has been working with her on the music, and the two are finally approaching the end of their tour.
Kim performs “Tardy for the Party,” and the other women offer their reactions. NeNe, naturally, is not about to become Kim’s biggest supporter. Kandi performs “Fly Above,” and Kim seems to interpret the song as having some personal relevance to her. Even when the women are performing music, the subtext is still an argument.
NeNe has a talent for making her facial expressions do as much work as her mouth. A simple look can communicate an entire paragraph of disapproval. She doesn’t need a microphone to make her opinion known. She can stand there, tilt her head, and look at Kim as if she’s just watched someone put ketchup on a perfectly good steak.
After the performances, NeNe decides to bring another person into the situation. She invites her best friend Diana to Miami. Because Cynthia’s bachelorette party apparently doesn’t have enough personalities, unresolved disputes, or people who dislike one another, NeNe is adding another guest to the cast.
Diana arrives and immediately establishes that she is not there to be Kim’s friend. When Kim tries to address her, Diana makes it clear that she doesn’t want Kim saying her name. “Don’t let my name come out of your mouth,” she tells her.
Wonderful. Another person has arrived with a grievance, and she hasn’t even unpacked.
The Sweetie situation continues to hover over the house. Kim is trying to make arrangements for everyone, while NeNe maintains that she never made a big deal about Sweetie and Don Juan staying. This is an interesting interpretation of events considering the amount of time she’s spent discussing the subject. NeNe can spend an entire afternoon arguing about something and then announce that she never made it a big deal. It’s a gift.
Meanwhile, Cynthia has an actual reason for being in Miami. She’s participating in a Miami Swim Week fashion show, and she’s excited to get back on the runway. She’s also nervous about wearing a swimsuit in front of an audience, but she takes the opportunity seriously.
Cynthia looks beautiful as she walks the runway in an elaborate headpiece and swimsuit. The other women watch, and the commentary begins. Phaedra has some particularly memorable observations about Cynthia’s look, including a comparison to a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese. It’s a very Phaedra way to compliment someone, if one is using the word compliment extremely loosely.
NeNe also has thoughts about Cynthia’s age and the modeling industry. She suggests that the industry favors younger women, which is not exactly the kind of encouragement one hopes to receive from a friend while walking in a swimsuit show. Cynthia is trying to celebrate getting back to work, and NeNe is apparently conducting a market analysis of her expiration date.
The women return to the mansion, and the conversation eventually turns to Cynthia’s wedding. This is supposed to be a happy time, but the wedding is creating enormous financial and emotional pressure. Cynthia and Peter have been struggling with money, and she is worried about the future.
When the women ask about the wedding and honeymoon, Cynthia becomes overwhelmed. She breaks down in tears, and suddenly the mood shifts. This is no longer a conversation about swimsuits or Kim’s singing career. Cynthia is genuinely distressed, and the women begin trying to understand what’s happening.
Kandi offers practical advice, while Phaedra contributes her own observations about the situation. The wedding is approaching, but the financial realities are becoming harder to ignore. Cynthia is caught between wanting the wedding she has imagined and dealing with the problems that come with actually paying for it.
NeNe decides that the solution is to leave.
She wants to change the flights and take Cynthia home. The other women are confused because this is Cynthia’s bachelorette weekend, and they have barely gotten to the actual bachelorette party. NeNe seems to have decided that if Cynthia is upset, the best course of action is to remove her from the situation, preferably alongside NeNe.
Shereé is not having it. She reminds Cynthia that the weekend is supposed to be about her and that she should be allowed to enjoy it. NeNe’s desire to take over the situation is becoming increasingly obvious. Cynthia is already dealing with enough stress without having to manage her friend’s feelings about the vacation.
NeNe’s version of friendship can be rather demanding. She wants loyalty, attention, and agreement, preferably in that order. If the people around her aren’t following the program, she has a way of making the room feel as though somebody has violated a very important rule that was never actually announced.
Cynthia eventually agrees to stay, and the women make another attempt to enjoy the weekend. Lawrence arrives and provides some much-needed entertainment with his impressions of the ladies. His impersonations give everyone a chance to laugh, and for once the room isn’t filled with people explaining why they hate one another.
Then Phaedra’s entertainment arrives: the male strippers.
Finally, a bachelorette party. The women get to celebrate Cynthia, the entertainment is underway, and the evening begins to resemble the trip they were supposed to have in the first place. Kim gets involved in the fun, the ladies enjoy themselves, and the weekend manages to end on a more festive note.
But let’s be honest: the real entertainment of Miami was NeNe.
The woman arrived on a tour bus, threatened to snap Kim’s neck and pop her eyeballs out, supplied her own sound effects, insulted her friend’s host, invited another friend into an already volatile situation, and attempted to remove the bride-to-be from her own bachelorette weekend. And she did it all with the confidence of someone who believes she is the only adult in the room.
The “boop boop” alone deserves its own place in Housewives history. NeNe didn’t just threaten Kim. She choreographed the threat. She gave us the dialogue, the demonstration, and the special effects. All that was missing was a PowerPoint presentation.
Kim may have been Tardy for the Party, but NeNe was right on time for the assault-themed theatrical production.
Floridon’t, indeed.
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