We start with some shots of the ladies with their kids and their dogs. Our first real scene is Joe and Melissa out for ice cream with their kids, and naturally, Joe manages to make the entire thing sexual. I gag.
Antonia has a boyfriend, and Joe is not exactly thrilled about it. He reminds us that he is “old-school Italian.” Yes, Joe. We know. You have reminded us approximately 7,000 times.
Meanwhile, Melissa is still selling the storyline that she wants another baby, and for some reason, she thinks her actual children need to be involved in this discussion. None of them think another baby is a particularly good idea. Antonia points out that they can barely handle the three kids they already have, which is probably the most reasonable thing anyone has said all episode.
Antonia has also learned all about reproduction in school, and Joe is absolutely shaken by her knowledge. He wants to know what exactly they are teaching these kids in school. What happened to math? Joe, I have some bad news for you: schools teach biology. Your daughter is going to be fine.
Over at Danielle’s, Teresa comes to visit, and they discuss Joe’s situation. He is breaking down in the ICE facility and wants to give up and go to Italy. The girls want him to keep appealing, because if he leaves the country, he can never come back. It’s a genuinely heartbreaking situation underneath all the Housewives nonsense.
Meanwhile, Nono isn’t feeling well. I love Nono. My dad lives with me, so I especially love the scenes of Teresa with her dad. There is something about those moments that feels very real and tender, even in the middle of all the ridiculousness surrounding them.
Teresa is also inviting all the girls to a shopping event. Danielle is understandably worried because the women, especially Margaret, have been so mean to her. And if Danielle is already worried about Margaret being mean to her, I have a feeling this shopping trip is about to become less “retail therapy” and more “retail trauma.”
Marty comes in, and he and Danielle are officially no more, although they are getting along. Teresa is still bothered by the whole situation because she feels like Marty made her look like a liar when he denied having sex with Danielle. Marty thinks it is nobody’s business, and honestly, Marty is right. You don’t have to like the guy, but his sex life is, in fact, his business.
Danielle, meanwhile, blames Margaret for her divorce from Marty, and Marty kind of agrees with her. Teresa also thinks Margaret has been bullying Danielle. And, annoyingly, she is kind of right. Margaret has absolutely been coming for Danielle, and Danielle isn’t imagining the hostility. Of course, Danielle being Danielle, she has somehow turned all of this into a full-blown explanation for why her marriage fell apart.
Teresa goes prom dress shopping with Gia, and it’s a genuinely sweet scene. Of course, we can’t have nice things for too long, because Joe Giudice calls.
Teresa and Joe immediately get into a fight over the phone. Teresa is still resentful that she had to sign a prenup when they got married, and Joe tells her that he never wanted to get married in the first place. Well, that sounds like a healthy and productive marriage conversation to have while your teenage daughter is standing right there.
Gia has finally had enough and tells them to stop talking about their private business in front of her. I actually feel for Gia here. She is in an incredibly tough position. Joe is clearly coming apart, and watching your father fall apart while your parents fight about their marriage has to be awful.
Over at Jennifer’s, her mother is preparing a traditional Turkish Easter dinner, including a goat’s head. The children run into the room, see it, and immediately look horrified. I get the feeling this happens every year. The food looks amazeballs. The goat head, however, is where I draw the line. I am not into that.
They discuss Jennifer’s brother Michael’s upcoming wedding. They are still waiting for his fiancée’s visa, so the wedding plans are understandably complicated.
Then Gabrielle brings up something much more serious. She questions how the priests at church can tell people to love everyone while also saying they hate gay people. She mentions that she knows her uncle is gay, and Jennifer’s mother immediately denies it.
It’s a sad moment, especially because Gabrielle is clearly a bright and sensitive girl who is trying to make sense of a pretty obvious contradiction. And as annoying as Jennifer can be, I have to give her credit here: she handles the situation well.
Dolores, my favorite Housewife, visits the cardiologist with her dad, who apparently has no intention of following his diet. I am a sucker for scenes with the parents. I really am.
Dolores is clearly concerned about her dad, and he asks about her remodel and her relationship with David. Everyone asks about her relationship with David. Everyone. At this point, I feel like I should start asking about it, too.
David reminds me of Squidward. Always has. The guy does not want to commit, and Dolores is still pretending that she is perfectly fine with that arrangement. She is not fooling me.
Jackie, Melissa, and Margaret go to lunch, and it is mostly very boring. Margaret spends a good portion of the meal talking shit about Danielle and making it clear that she does not want to see her at Teresa’s shopping event.
Here is the thing: these women keep forgetting that it is literally their job to hang out with people they don’t like. That is the show. You don’t get to spend every event exclusively with your friends and then act shocked when the person you hate shows up. That’s called having a job, ladies.
At the shopping event, the owner is thrilled to see Teresa and the other ladies. The entire store has been shut down for them, which, given what is about to happen, is probably the smartest business decision anyone made all episode.
Danielle arrives dressed in enough Versace to outfit a small country and is clearly ready to face the wolves. Pretty much all of the women, with the exception of Teresa, are firmly against her. They are served champagne in plastic glasses, which is another excellent decision by the store. Someone clearly knew their customers.
Teresa immediately fills Danielle in on everything Margaret has been saying about her. Dolores hates Danielle and is firmly Team Margaret, so there is already plenty of tension in the room.
The women wander around and pretend to shop for a while, although nobody is fooling anyone. This is not a shopping event. This is a Housewives battlefield with handbags.
We also see Teresa drinking a lot of champagne, which I am filing away for later.
Then Margaret arrives, and she wastes absolutely no time badmouthing Danielle and her outfit.
Danielle and Jackie reveal that all of the husbands have apparently seen Danielle’s old porno tape. And naturally, they decide to discuss this while Danielle is standing maybe five feet away from them. Danielle can clearly hear every word, and she is absolutely seething.
Margaret then compares the sushi to Danielle, because apparently we have reached the point where even the appetizers are getting dragged into the Danielle drama.
Teresa is starting to get pissed about all the shit-talking happening within earshot of Danielle. And honestly, I get it. If you are going to talk about someone, at least have the basic decency to wait until they are far enough away that they can’t hear every single word you’re saying.
Teresa and Danielle finally confront the women, and Margaret immediately calls Danielle a “Versace-clad elephant.” Danielle fires back with “trout mouth,” which, honestly, Margaret has completely coming. The two go back and forth over Danielle’s breakup with Marty, and Teresa goes hard for Danielle. She doesn’t think any of this is Margaret’s business, and she is not backing down.
Margaret keeps coming for Danielle, and Danielle counters by accusing Margaret of being a cheater. Margaret starts throwing the word “prostitute” around, and Danielle gets right in her face, literally chest-bumping her. Jersey style.
Then Margaret says Danielle has been “dragged and ridden hard,” and Danielle delivers one of the all-time Jersey comebacks: “And so have your titties. You should get ’em done!”
Margaret is apparently not prepared for that level of retaliation, because she gets butt hurt and dumps her water all over Danielle and her Versace. The store owner looks absolutely stunned.Danielle responds by dumping Margaret’s purse into a candle before declaring, “I just can’t help myself.” And then she grabs Margaret’s ponytail and yanks it as hard as she possibly can.
She literally drags Margaret across the store.
As Dolores later says, it is some old-school stripper fighting, and she wants no part of it. And honestly, this is one of the most violent things we have ever seen on Jersey, which is really saying something.
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