We pick up with the Ramona/Bethenny showdown, and honestly, the Bezerkshires have officially claimed another victim: everyone’s remaining sanity.
Ramona does not want to revisit the past. Bethenny, however, has apparently brought an entire archaeological dig site with her. She tells Ramona that she has not been a good friend to her, and Ramona responds with approximately twenty consecutive variations of, “Are you kidding me?!”
Ramona’s eyes are bugging so far out of her head I’m surprised they don’t need their own snow boots.
Bethenny starts listing all the mean things Ramona has said and done to her, including the time Ramona apparently walked off with two dresses from Bethenny’s failed talk show. Ramona insists Bethenny is crazy, because apparently the easiest way to win an argument is to diagnose the person who remembers what you did.
Then Bethenny brings up Ramona’s questions about Brynn and the topless film, suggesting they were strategic. Ramona goes OFF.
“You were topless! You had sex on a water bed!”
And suddenly, we have spread-eagled Bethenny screaming, “MENTION IT ALL!”
But then Ramona takes the fight somewhere much uglier. She screams that she has worked her whole life while Bethenny was handed everything and didn’t have any money until she fucked.
The implication is pretty damn clear: Ramona is suggesting Bethenny slept her way to the top.
Bethenny is stunned. And then comes the line of the night:
“I can’t even fuck my way to the middle.”
Same girl. Always stuck in the bedrock.
But underneath all the screaming, Bethenny seems to finally figure out what is really bothering Ramona. Ramona feels like she had to work for everything she has, while Bethenny seemingly didn’t. That resentment has apparently been sitting there for years, waiting for a Berkshires weekend and several bottles of wine to blow the lid off.
Naturally, they start arguing about whose wine is more successful, because nothing says emotional healing like comparing alcohol brands during a friendship implosion.
Ramona calls Bethenny weird. Bethenny thinks Ramona doesn’t see herself clearly. Ramona thinks Bethenny doesn’t see herself clearly. Basically, two women who are both absolutely convinced they are the only person in the room with a functioning mirror.
Then Ramona suddenly pivots to Mario and starts crying.
Bethenny is unmoved.
Honestly, I respect the commitment. We have spent this entire fight excavating decades of resentment, and Ramona has decided to throw Mario into the fossil bed.
Eventually, Bethenny tells Ramona to stay the fuck away from her. Ramona tells Bethenny she is broken. They both feel attacked. They both think the other woman is the problem.
And then Ramona delivers the final blow:
“Bethenny the Bitchy Witch.”
She storms out.
And just like that, another Berkshires friendship has been lovingly buried beneath six feet of resentment, wine, screaming, and approximately fourteen layers of unresolved Housewives history.
Ramona stumbles into the kitchen, while Bethenny tells Carole she is going home. No one can believe Ramona called Bethenny a “bitchy witch.” Honestly, same. Bethenny doesn’t even know how to begin describing what just happened.
Ramona’s version of events is, naturally, very different.
She tells Sonja that Bethenny attacked her while she was trying to apologize and started a fight.
Ehh. Not exactly, Crazy Pants.
Ramona is still obsessing over the water bed, because apparently we are going to be discussing Bethenny’s sexual history until the snow melts.
Dorinda checks on Bethenny, who is packing her things and preparing to leave while Ramona continues her tirade downstairs. Carole decides she is leaving with Bethenny, and Dorinda actually wishes Ramona would leave instead.
Ramona, meanwhile, is trying to rally the troops. She tells Carole that Bethenny uses her and calls her boring.
Carole is having approximately none of that.
Bethenny eventually emerges in a gigantic Yeti coat, ready to escape the Berkshires and this entire nightmare. But because the Housewives gods are cruel, she runs into Ramona in the hallway.
Bethenny tells Ramona they will never speak again. They will never be on the same sidewalk.
Which is going to be a little tricky in Manhattan, but sure.
And then, after all of that screaming, crying, accusations, sexual references, wine comparisons, and psychological warfare, they wish each other the best.
WTF?
But Bethenny is out. Carole is with her. Ramona remains behind to tell her version of history to anyone who will listen.
And the Bezerkshires live to see another day.
The next morning, the women fill Tinsley, who was sleeping peacefully through the entire disaster, in on the big blowout.
Dorinda tells everyone that she came downstairs around 2 a.m. and found Sonja passed out, sitting upright in a dining room chair.
Dorinda thought she was dead.
This is classic Sonja, and honestly, hysterical. I can picture it perfectly. Sonja Morgan, fully upright in a dining room chair, apparently having departed this earthly plane while maintaining proper posture.
Ramona comes down to breakfast and seems ready to admit that she drank a little too much the night before. She claims she blacked out.
I’m not buying it.
I agree with Bethenny on this one. Ramona took the truth serum, and once the alcohol kicked in, she finally started saying what she has probably felt about Bethenny for years.
And now Ramona is trying very hard to turn the women against Bethenny.
Unfortunately for her, Dorinda is onto the tricks.
Dorinda has spent enough time around Ramona to recognize when she is working the room, and she isn’t buying the rewrite. Ramona may want everyone to believe Bethenny attacked her out of nowhere, but Dorinda was there.
The Berkshires may be covered in snow, but Dorinda can still smell bullshit from across the room.
Sonja enters the kitchen in a gorgeous set of silk pajamas.
The only problem?
They’re Dorinda’s.
And not just some random pair Dorinda forgot she owned. They were a gift from her late husband and were hanging in a bag in her closet.
This is really poor behavior, Lady Morgan. It isn’t cute. It isn’t funny. And it definitely isn’t something I would be calmly discussing over breakfast.
Dorinda handles it remarkably well, because I can tell you right now, I would have been flipping several tables.
Then, while wearing Dorinda’s dead-husband pajamas, Sonja decides it is the perfect time to lecture Tinsley about the rules for staying in her house.
She just will not drop it.
Sonja is The Repeater.
We have heard this speech. Tinsley has heard this speech. The walls have heard this speech. I’m pretty sure the pajamas have heard this speech.
Tinsley is clearly exhausted by it, so at this point I have to ask: why doesn’t she just move out?
Girl cannot be that broke. Have you seen those clothes?
There is no universe in which Tinsley Mortimer owns that wardrobe and is genuinely one missed paycheck away from sleeping under a bridge.
And yet here we are: Sonja, dressed in Dorinda’s sentimental pajamas, lecturing Tinsley about proper guest behavior.
The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast.
Back in Manhattan, Dorinda is organizing her apartment and tells us that over the weekend, Ramona absolutely trashed her room at the Berkshires.
And I mean trashed it.
Ramona literally ripped fixtures and paint off the walls. It made Dorinda want to cry, and honestly, I get it. This is her home. These women are guests. There is a difference between having a wild weekend and behaving like you were raised by barracudas.
Dorinda has already had to referee everyone’s emotional breakdowns, and now she gets to repair the physical damage too. Because apparently hosting the Bezerkshires comes with a security deposit.
Across town, Carole has kittens and a young boyfriend.
The kittens are adorable.
The boyfriend is… okay.
Tinsley comes over to pretend she is looking at an apartment in Carole’s building, and the whole thing feels very staged. I mean, come on. We know what is happening here.
I do like Tinsley, though. I wouldn’t mind having her as a neighbor. She could teach me how to do my lashes, and honestly, that feels like a solid reason to sign a lease.
The apartment is gorgeous, and naturally, I want it.
I cannot afford it.
It’s $7,100 a month, which honestly doesn’t seem completely outrageous for New York City, but it is approximately $7,100 more than my archaeologist salary would like to spend on housing.
Tinsley is nervous about moving out of the Upper East Side, which I understand. Apparently leaving your neighborhood is terrifying when your entire life is built around knowing exactly which block has the best shopping.
Meanwhile, Carole’s friend is having an art show, and Carole is featured in it, so all of the women are invited.
Because nothing says “we are putting the Berkshires behind us” like putting all these women in another room together and hoping nobody starts screaming.
At Bethenny’s apartment, she is surrounded by assistants as they discuss her ridiculously busy schedule.
And then we discover that Bethenny has moths in her closet eating her sweaters.
Moths.
This is what we are doing now?
I have just watched Ramona accuse Bethenny of sleeping her way to the top, watched Bethenny scream “Mention it all,” watched women storm out of a house, and watched Dorinda discover that her guest literally ripped pieces off her walls.
And now we’re talking about moths eating sweaters.
It’s boring.
Let’s see some more fights.
The calm after the Bezerkshires is no fun.
We leave Bethenny’s moth-infested closet behind, because apparently even her sweaters need more excitement than we’re getting right now.
Dorinda is heading to a dinner celebrating Luann and Tom’s upcoming wedding, and Jill is there.
Of course Jill immediately jumps right into badmouthing Ramona.
And here’s the annoying part: every single one of Jill’s points is fair and accurate. We even get flashback footage to back her up.
But Jill is still Jill.
She definitely still thinks she is the star of the show, and she admits that she misses the gossip that came with being on Housewives.
Yes, Jill.
We know.
You miss it.
You miss being in everyone’s business. You miss knowing everything. You miss having an audience for your opinions.
And apparently, you miss it enough to show up at a wedding dinner and immediately start dragging Ramona.
We are at the art show. It features a photograph of Carole and she is naked. Awkward, but she seems totally unfazed. This is the first time Bethenny and Ramona will see each other since the Berkshires, and everyone is wondering how it will go.
Dorinda is still so upset about what Ramona did to her home that she doesn’t know if she will ever host the ladies again.
She says her bedroom looked like Steven Tyler had stayed there.
I have met Steven Tyler.
He has much better manners than Ramona.
So do coyotes.
Bethenny arrives and announces that Ramona doesn’t exist to her anymore, and she proceeds to act accordingly. She completely ignores Ramona, which is probably the most effective punishment available in a room full of Housewives.
Ramona, meanwhile, is still in full weird mode.
Dorinda finally confronts her about the damage to the bedroom, and Ramona completely bypasses the subject and starts talking about Bethenny.
Of course she does.
It is unbelievably rude, and unbelievably Ramona.
Sonja and Bethenny start kibitzing about the Berkshires, and Bethenny once again explains that she is done with Ramona now that she has seen the resentment and jealousy underneath all of it.
Then Ramona approaches.
Bethenny immediately takes off in her furry Cruella de Vil costume.
Honestly, if I were Bethenny, I would have left too. Why stick around for another round of the Berkshires Litigation Department when you can grab your puppies and go home?
Ramona tries to turn Sonja against Bethenny, but Sonja sees right through her.
Bethenny is done. She gathers her puppies and bails on the entire event.
Next we see Tom and Luann on their way to the airport, traveling to Palm Beach for their wedding.
Luann is worried about the wedding.
Tom is worried about getting a hall pass.
Tom is a dirty bird, and I genuinely do not know what Luann sees in him. His jokes aren’t funny under normal circumstances, but a couple of days before your wedding, when you have already been caught cheating? Maybe read the room, Tom.
Of course, we know what is coming.
Watching this relationship with hindsight is uncomfortable. It was always a little uncomfortable, but knowing where this is headed makes every scene between them feel like watching a car slowly roll toward a cliff while everyone inside keeps insisting they are having a lovely drive.
Tom is making jokes about other women while Luann is worrying about their wedding.
Girl.
Stop.
I want to reach through the television and tell her to get off the plane, cancel the wedding, and go home.
But she doesn’t.
Instead, they head off to Palm Beach to get married, and we all know exactly how this story ends.
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