RHOBH, Season 2, Episode 14–Malibu Beach Party from Hell: The Cat Meme Scene

In Beverly Hills, we start at Lisa Vanderpump’s house, where they are preparing for Pandora’s wedding and testing out different place settings. Lisa has a very clear picture of what she wants, and naturally, everything looks beautiful. 

Kyle visits Paul’s plastic surgery office with her mother-in-law, Estelle, who is recovering from her facelift six weeks ago. She looks great. Kyle says she thinks plastic surgery is a personal choice and kind of acts like she doesn’t partake. Who is she fooling?

Adrienne and Brandi meet for lunch, back when these two were still friends—before Surrogate-Gate. They want bite-sized pizza, which is so Beverly Hills it hurts. Brandi wants to host a party for the girls and is planning to use her friend’s Malibu beach house for a wine tasting with some belly dancers. Adrienne thinks it sounds fun and different.

Over at Kyle’s, she is making margaritas for a Cinco de Mayo party with Faye Resnick. Blech. Her mother-in-law will also be debuting her new face. Portia is adorable and completely confused. Kyle makes dumb jokes at dinner. She thinks she is hilarious. She really isn’t. I am pretty neutral on Kyle, but my husband can’t stand her.

We cut to Lisa, who is getting ready to open the lounge at SUR. This is before Vanderpump Rules, but clearly the setup for the upcoming spin-off.

Adrienne is at her house showing Paul samples from her shoe line. This is the line that will lead to a big conflict later this season, so stay tuned. Adrienne is getting ready for Brandi’s party and fighting with Paul about who will walk the dog. She is always fighting with Paul.

Kim does some laundry. She is not going to the party. She still thinks Brandi is a “slut pig,” remember? This is when Kim still hates Brandi, long before she cries that Brandi is like a sister to her. Hmm. It’s fun looking back at this stuff knowing where everyone eventually ends up.

Camille, on her way to the party, is apprehensive about seeing Taylor after the tea party blowup, where Camille revealed that Taylor had told the women her husband was abusing her. We cut to Taylor getting ready for the party, and she is stressed, too. She doesn’t even want an apology. She doesn’t want to see Camille, but she is about to.

Taylor and Kyle head to the party together, and it is a long drive to Malibu. Luckily, they have champagne. Taylor dives right in. She is furious and grossed out that Camille revealed her abuse. Kyle doesn’t know what to think, but she believes Taylor is afraid Russell will hurt her when he hears what Camille said.

Camille says she has reached out to Taylor a couple of times, but Taylor is ignoring her. Meanwhile, Taylor is getting more and more buzzed and worked up during the limo ride, which does not exactly bode well for the evening.

Camille arrives first, and Brandi shows her around the house. Brandi’s wine is flowing, but not nearly as quickly as Taylor’s champagne.

Taylor and Kyle finally arrive, and Camille greets Taylor with an “I am sorry” and a hug. Taylor is distant and tells us she isn’t feeling it. She goes straight for a drink.

Brandi is also drunkish, but she is still fun, pretty Brandi from Season 2, and I love her. Kyle, meanwhile, makes fun of Brandi’s outfit—more specifically, her nipples. Kyle is mean. Brandi knows the women are talking about her, so naturally, she has another glass of wine.

One of Brandi’s friends comes out to teach the women how to belly dance. It looks fun. Kyle is obnoxious about it. She turns it into a joke, starts freestyling, and does her stupid splits. Is there any floor in Beverly Hills that she hasn’t pressed her vagina against? Brandi says Kyle likes attention, and she is absolutely right.

Meanwhile, Kyle is still completely focused on Brandi’s nipples, and honestly, it is repulsive.

Taylor is finding it hard to avoid Camille, so she steps outside by herself. Kyle is obnoxious again, because apparently she cannot help herself. Taylor eventually comes back inside, but she says she is not okay.

She starts talking about people she cannot trust, with Camille within earshot. Camille’s friend jumps in and says Taylor is being unfair. She confronts Taylor, who just wants to be left alone. Camille’s friend is super aggressive and wants Taylor and Camille to talk, but Taylor feels that Camille has put her child in danger by exposing her secret.

And this is where the party really starts to go off the rails. Taylor is clearly terrified and overwhelmed, while Camille’s friend seems determined to force a confrontation that Taylor absolutely does not want.

Camille’s friend keeps pushing, and Taylor finally snaps. She aggressively points at Camille and says, “You! Outside.” As if Camille is a cocker spaniel. Taylor is really worked up, and Camille’s friend is making things much worse. Camille looks completely perplexed as Taylor keeps yelling.

Then, Linda Thompson, of Elvis fame, is there. WTF? Camille’s friend will not shut up. Taylor gets dangerously close to the edge—literally—of the oceanside deck. Camille’s friend comes after her again, and Kyle tells her to get away from Taylor. For real.

Linda Thompson starts yapping about the beauty of the ocean and eternity, and nobody is listening. Not in this group. Taylor wants to speak with Camille alone, but, oh, fuck me, Camille’s friend is back and yelling at Taylor.

And then we get the moment that launched a thousand memes. Taylor points her finger and screams, “You have no idea what she has done to me!”

Brandi has had it. She tells Taylor it is time for her to leave. Taylor is shrieking, “It’s not fair!” Kyle and Taylor are pissed at Brandi, and suddenly hands are flying. Kyle tells Brandi, “Don’t ever touch me like that again.”

Linda Thompson says they should all behave like the evolved species they are. Oh, honey.

Camille’s friend still will not shut up, but thankfully, Kyle is getting Taylor out of there. Taylor completely breaks down in the car. All is not well here. As we now know. It’s really bad.