The episode opens with scenes of the wives starting their mornings and waking up their kids. It’s actually pretty cute. Frankie Catania is getting ready for his fitness competition, and so is Teresa. She shows her girls the tiny bathing suit she’ll be wearing onstage, and Audriana immediately points out that it’s going to go up her butt. True story.
Teresa hasn’t told Joe Giudice about the competition. He is in jail and therefore has no say in the matter, but eventually she tells him, and he’s supportive. So there you go.
Meanwhile, Marge heads to a jeweler with Melissa and Jackie to pick out a gift for Teresa to celebrate her competition. They settle on a bar-style necklace with the word “Strong” spelled out in diamonds. All of the women are chipping in for it. It’s cute. Not really my style, but cute. More on the necklace later.
Melissa is still selling her fake long-lost sister storyline, and nobody cares. Melissa gossips about Danielle Staub, because apparently we haven’t gotten enough Danielle Staub gossip yet. None of the women, except Teresa, really trust Danielle at this point, so naturally she is invited on the trip to Cabo. Because that’s how this group operates.
Marge is worried about Jennifer Aydin’s drinking on the trip, although she feels like the two of them are in a good place. Famous last words.
Jennifer and her youngest daughter, Olivia, go to visit Bill at his plastic surgery office. Jennifer pops in at least once a week, and we know why. Olivia is clearly a little princess who runs the show, and Bill is absolutely delighted to see his daughter. Olivia wanders around the office while Jennifer and Bill discuss the upcoming Cabo trip.
It’s only Jennifer’s second time away from the kids, but Bill is pretty supportive of her going. He just encourages her to watch her tequila intake.
Good advice, Bill. Unfortunately, you appear to have given it to the wrong person.
Jennifer is nervous about the Marge situation. She’s still heated about the “mail-order bride” comment Marge made about her brother’s fiancée, so there is clearly some unfinished business there.
Meanwhile, Olivia wants new perfume. I have a feeling she will get it.
Teresa goes to work out with Frank, who is training her for the competition, and Teresa looks JACKED. I mean, she is seriously ripped. I would not want to piss off Fitness Teresa.
Marge and Joe discuss her stepson, Brett, and his estrangement from her ex-husband, Jan. It isn’t very interesting. I hate when she calls herself “The Marge.” It’s obnoxious. Nobody needs a nickname that they have given themselves.
Melissa goes to dinner with her sisters and her mother, and naturally she opens with the bullshit sister story. Apparently, some medium told her she has a third sister, and since her father fooled around a lot, Melissa believes it enough to involve her mother and sisters in the whole thing.
This is lame. None of it makes sense, and it isn’t remotely interesting. Melissa’s mother says she would accept the daughter, but she would strangle the mother. Okay, then.
Melissa’s mom also gets a little buzzed, and honestly, that is the most entertaining part of the entire dinner. I miss seeing my mom buzzed. It was always a good time.
Teresa and Frankie hit the spray tan parlor to get ready for the competition. I don’t hate seeing this scene with Frankie, and that makes me feel dirty. Dolores would kill me.
They tan, they pose, and they flex. It’s all perfectly fine, but this is clearly just the lead-in to something bigger. Let’s get there.
We see Marge preparing for her “Hospital Heroes Gala,” where she’s launching her kids’ hospital gown line. It’s a great cause, but again, I’d like to get to the drama.
Over at Teresa’s, we see Nono cooking first thing in the morning. I love Nono scenes. Give me Nono cooking breakfast over another five minutes of Melissa’s imaginary sister any day.
Frankie and Teresa head to the competition, and they both do really well. They look super fit, although Teresa’s rocking butt deserves its own category.
Frankie gets first place! Teresa places third, and she is super happy. Honestly, it’s a really sweet moment. After all the buildup, she actually did it, and she looks great.
We get scenes of the women packing for Cabo. Teresa can’t wait to eat and drink whatever she wants now that the fitness show is over. Jackie is excited to see Teresa party, because Jackie is obsessed with Teresa. Olivia is devastated that Jennifer is going away, while Dolores is doing squats, because of course she is.
Marge is worried about dealing with Danielle. The two of them have been on the outs ever since Danielle’s ill-fated wedding to Marty. I gotta recap those episodes.
And then they get to Cabo! Finally!
Everyone is in good spirits, and I immediately wonder how long that’s going to last. Their resort is super fancy and posh, and I love shit like this. I want to see Housewives go places I can’t afford to go and do things I can’t afford to do. We need more of that. Give me the ridiculous luxury. That’s what I’m here for.
They get their room assignments, and Teresa makes sure Danielle is staying with her since Danielle doesn’t get along with anyone else. Teresa and Danielle immediately do shots, because apparently that’s how Teresa welcomes people to vacation.
Jackie thinks Danielle is crazy and wants to stay as far away from her as possible. Melissa, meanwhile, doesn’t understand the allegiance between Danielle and Teresa considering their, shall we say, rocky past.
Neither do I.
Also, I want to go to Cabo. I was supposed to go with my bestie in 2012, but my cat got sick. I stayed with her, and it was worth it. There I go digressing again.
The women get ready for dinner, and Jennifer has A LOT of lip liner on. It is very, um, distinctive. It’s a real choice.
All of the women are ready to party, and they plan to present the “Strong” necklace to Teresa at dinner. They do more shots! Jennifer Aydin sticks to tequila, which is the exact drink Bill specifically warned her about.
I met Jennifer Aydin once. It was at an event for her line of beauty pillows. She wasn’t drinking. She seemed kind, polite, and subdued. I wonder if there is a connection there. Maybe sober Jennifer and Tequila Jen are two entirely different people.
But back to Tequila Jen in Cabo.
They give Teresa the necklace, and she loves it. She’s genuinely touched. Marge explains that they had it made by a jeweler in Englewood, and Jennifer is PISSED.
Apparently, she doesn’t understand why they wouldn’t have used her brother, who is also a jeweler. Why would she chip in for someone else’s product?
None of this makes much sense to me, though. Wouldn’t Jennifer have known they weren’t going to her brother’s store? Why is this suddenly an issue? And why is it suddenly a HUGE issue?
All of the women are completely stunned by Jennifer’s reaction. She actually goes so far as to say that the necklace is ugly. It is so over-the-top rude that everyone’s mouth is hanging open.
Marge thinks the cocktails are getting to Jennifer’s brain. I think she is correct.
Jen announces that Marge is now at the top of her shit list. Dolores, who actually likes Jen, agrees that she is being beyond rude. Marge says something is wrong with Jen, and Jen fires back, “I am on point like nobody’s business.”
Sure, Jen.
Then Marge insults Jennifer’s lip liner. She says it looks like a monkey’s asshole.
Jen FLIPS HER LID.
She claps her hands and screams, “A monkey’s asshole, that you fucking sucked!”
Melissa immediately hides behind her napkin. Everyone else looks absolutely mortified.
The crazy train has officially left the station. And we haven’t even gotten to the glass yet.
Dolores keeps eating, and I admire her fortitude. The woman is sitting there calmly finishing her meal while everyone else is having a complete nervous breakdown. Priorities.
Danielle and Jennifer Aydin take a walk because they both hate Marge. Marge doesn’t care. She goes right back to her meal, which honestly may be the correct response at this point.
Teresa wants to know why Marge isn’t friends with Danielle anymore, especially after being her bridesmaid the year before. Teresa thinks Marge should be loyal to Danielle.
Teresa then goes to check on Jen. I’m not entirely sure why. Jen was the one screaming at everyone, but apparently she needs a wellness check.
Dolores points out that Teresa has never been the best judge of character, and that has been true since they were sixteen years old. This is a running theme throughout the show.
The women finally call it a night, and I know they need their rest.
Because Part 2 is gonna be LIT!
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