The women fly into Puerto Vallarta for Bethenny’s tequila trip, and Mexico is already off to a fantastic start because Bethenny is puking.
Ramona, meanwhile, is sharting.
Yes. We are approximately five minutes into the trip.
Ramona has also apparently gotten a chemical peel, and her face looks like “a pizza with no sauce,” according to Sonja. It is a dead-on-balls-accurate description.
Carole is craving Taco Bell.
In Mexico.
Carole makes me bored.
Bethenny, meanwhile, would blow Simon Van Kempen for a slushie.
Sonja, Dorinda, Ramona, and Bethenny pile into the car on the way to the villa and decide to play Fuck, Marry, Kill using the other Housewives.
The results are not surprising.
Everyone is fucking Luann.
Hands down. There isn’t even a debate.
Poor Tinsley is getting killed, and Sonja takes it one step further by calling her unfuckable.
Ouch.
In the other car, the women discuss Tinsley’s new boyfriend, Scott. They had a five-day date in Vegas, which is certainly one way to get to know someone. Tinsley is all in.
Hope that goes well for you, Tinsley.
Sonja then shows the women a dick pic she received.
It was from a wrong number.
LMAO. Oops.
The women finally arrive at the villa, and holy shit, it is spectacular. It is right on the ocean, the grounds are gorgeous, and I want to live there. The staff is lovely, too.
Naturally, Ramona immediately starts bitching at them.
Ramona is the worst. She makes me clench in places I won’t discuss.
Sonja announces that she won’t be drinking on the trip.
Oh, come on!
We get another look at the absolutely perfect villa and grounds. The pool is gorgeous, everything is beautiful, and for a brief moment, it seems like these women might actually have a relaxing vacation.
Then we get to the rooms.
Or, more specifically, the choosing of the rooms.
Sonja and Ramona immediately start scamming for the best one, as usual. They are not about to politely accept whatever room they’re assigned. They want the good shit.
But this is Bethenny’s trip, and Bethenny is not having it.
She wants order.
There will be an organized system for assigning the rooms, because even in paradise, Bethenny needs some fucking structure.
Bethenny tells Ramona and Sonja they are acting like animals and grabby twats.
What else is new?
She asks them if they would want their daughters to act like this. This seems to actually affect Sonja, who starts to realize that maybe she has been behaving like a grabby twat.
Ramona shrugs.
She doesn’t give a shit.
Bethenny announces that they will be drawing numbers for the rooms. The end. Democracy has arrived in Mexico.
Tinsley gets first pick, but she doesn’t want the pressure of choosing first. She trades with Bethenny and takes third choice instead.
Ramona, naturally, keeps bitching.
She wants a room facing the water.
Too bad.
Bethenny finally tells her to get her life together, which is probably good advice for Ramona in general.
Ramona gets in Sonja’s ear and tells her that Tinsley should have given Sonja her first choice because Tinsley has been staying with Sonja in the city.
Oh, please.
Ramona and Sonja are absolutely horrid together.
They decide that the numbers they drew don’t really apply to them, so they leave their bags in the rooms they want and basically ignore the entire system Bethenny just created.
Sonja then confronts Tinsley about it.
Tinsley wants to be left alone.
Tinsley really needs to stand up to Sonja. Sonja has been a beast to her all season long, and at this point, the whole dynamic is just icky.
Meanwhile, it takes these women approximately seventeen years to choose their rooms.
I would go crazy.
Ramona is still yelling with her pizza-faced self, because apparently the chemical peel has done nothing to improve her personality. Now she wants Dorinda’s room.
Dorinda tries to explain the concept of fairness to her.
It is a lost cause with this one.
Ramona goes in on Tinsley, and Dorinda finally tells Bethenny what the hell is going on.
Bethenny wanted to lie down.
Instead, she is needed to mediate a room dispute between grown-ass women.
Again.
Bethenny asks Ramona and Sonja if they would want their daughters acting like this. Ramona responds with a smug, punchable face and basically shrugs her off.
She does not care.
Dorinda, meanwhile, just wants Ramona out of her room.
Ramona is sitting on the bed with her bare feet, and I hate her.
Dorinda has had enough and threatens to throw Ramona’s bags in the pool.
I wish she would.
Ramona and Sonja are tacky with the staff.
It is truly painful to watch.
Ramona thinks she is making friends with the staff, but she is actually treating them like shit. There is something so bizarre about the way she behaves with people who are literally there to take care of her.
This woman came from nothing. When did she learn this level of entitlement?
I cannot stomach her.
Meanwhile, Carole and Dorinda have brought props and games for the trip.
They are being boring.
Even Carole, the most boring Housewife ever, looks at the games and basically agrees that they look boring.
Everyone eventually settles in and hits the fantastic pool, and finally, finally, the tequila starts flowing.
And apparently, the tequila is exactly what this trip needed.
By now, all of the women have had it with Sonja and Ramona.
They get ready for dinner, although Dorinda would actually rather nap through the whole thing. Luann wants her to come to dinner, but Dorinda looks completely worn out from dealing with all of Ramonja’s nonsense.
And naturally, Ramona and Sonja aren’t done.
The two of them go off on their own to bitch about their perfectly gorgeous room.
These bitches don’t quit.
They have an enormous villa on the ocean, a gorgeous pool, beautiful rooms, staff waiting on them, and tequila flowing.
And they’re still fucking complaining.
It’s repulsive.
Bethenny wants to talk to Sonja about how Ramona drags her down.
Bethenny thinks Ramona brings out the absolute worst in Sonja, and honestly, she’s not wrong. Every time these two get together, they somehow become even more obnoxious than they are individually.
Ramona then starts making sappy speeches to Sonja.
It is very heartfelt.
Until Sonja basically ruins the moment by saying she can’t focus on Ramona’s words because she’s staring at her pizza-pie face.
I cannot.
After all of that, they kiss.
Of course they do.
Welcome to the bipolar express.
Bethenny arrives at dinner at 8:30.
She is the first one there.
Even though she is ninety minutes late.
This would drive me bananas.
Tinsley and Carole talk about Page Six. Apparently, there was a story about Tinsley being ungrateful to Sonja, and they suspect it has Ramona or Sonja’s dirty little fingerprints all over it.
Bethenny doesn’t give a shit about the Page Six article. She has been sitting at the table alone for long enough and decides to go looking for the other women.
She wants to eat.
And she is pissed that everyone is late.
Meanwhile, Ramona and Sonja spend the entire time getting ready for dinner badmouthing Tinsley.
The dinner they are ninety minutes late for.
Of course.
Luann finally arrives at the table with, I kid you not, a kazoo.
And the Countess is way buzzed.
I mean, she looks disheveled. Like she took a bath in tequila.
I want to hang out with this Luann so badly.
She can steal my man all she wants. I just want to see drunk Luann in person.
Ramona and Sonja are, naturally, the last two to arrive at dinner.
As usual.
Ramona is still busy making up her jacked-up face, and Bethenny thinks it is a complete waste of time.
The woman has already been ninety minutes late. At this point, maybe just show up with the pizza face and call it a night.
Carole fills Luann in on the Page Six story, and Luann agrees that Sonja probably leaked it.
Tinsley shoots eye daggers at Sonja and Ramona when they finally arrive.
You can practically see the lasers coming out of her eyes.
Tipsy Luann, ever the Countess, decides to offer a toast thanking Bethenny for organizing the trip.
Ramona immediately cuts her off.
“It’s a group trip. Why are you thanking her?”
What she means is: this is a cast trip, Bethenny isn’t paying for shit, so why are you kissing her ass?
Bethenny looks at Ramona and asks her why she is an asshole.
It is a question for the ages.
Bethenny says Ramona could fuck up a wet dream, and I believe it.
Tinsley jumps in and explains how pissed she is about the Page Six story. Sonja and Ramona immediately play dumb.
A very slurry Luann points out that Sonja is always talking to the press.
Ramona says she avoids the press like a “Lee?”
What the hell does she even mean?
English cannot be this woman’s first language.
Carole chimes in to support Tinsley, who says she doesn’t need to be in the press.
Sonja denies everything, naturally.
Luann calls Sonja bitchy.
And Luann is SO buzzed.
I am loving it.
She looks like a party and a half. Even Bethenny notices that Luann is visibly drunk, which is saying something because the lady is a drinker. She usually holds it together really well.
Tonight?
The tipsy is in full force.
Tinsley is screaming and crying and eventually becomes completely unintelligible. Ramona continues playing dumb while looking like a smug twat waffle.
Luann finally leaves the table to collect herself.
Tinsley says Sonja is insensitive, and Bethenny once again points out that Ramona brings out the worst in Sonja. Their behavior over the rooms is a classic example.
Sonja agrees.
She knows Ramona is a bad look, and she admits she can’t take her everywhere.
Honey, don’t take her anywhere.
She is a nightmare.
Meanwhile, Luann and Sonja are out on the patio bitching about the other women, and I am loving this drunk Luann.
She is rocking a jumpsuit and slurring her way through complaints about the ladies.
This is the Luann I want to hang out with.
The Countess has left the building. Tequila Luann has arrived.
Luann gets up to go to bed, gives a little booty shake, and then—
CRASH!
She falls off the patio and smacks right into the bushes.
We get a shot of the laughing Countess lying among the branches, and is it weird to say she has never looked more beautiful?
Ramona is dying laughing.
So am I.
I could watch this over and over.
A man comes over to help a giggling Luann out of the bushes, but this is not the end of the Countess’s evening.
Back at the table, the women are still bitching about Page Six, and Tinsley is still shrieking.
Meanwhile, back outside, Luann takes a step…
And completely face-plants off the patio AGAIN!
Ramona says, “See, you should have gone this way.”
I am fucking crying.
If you haven’t seen this, you need to. This is iconic Housewives, and it is one of my favorite fossils ever.
Back at dinner, Bethenny has officially had enough. She wants off the Sonja roller coaster, and eventually the women head off to bed.
Tinsley is still pissed.
This trip is off to a rip-roaring start.
We get previews of what is coming next, and every single one of these women appears to be completely smashed.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of this epic Housewives trip!
Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives 
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