It’s bright and early, and I’m up recapping crazy Housewives in Key West by request. It’s not a bad gig. I’ve got a cat on either side of me, a cup of coffee, and I’m ready to go. Let’s dig in.
In the OC, Kelly is meeting Braunwyn for lunch. Braunwyn is getting ready for the Miami/Key West trip she planned for the ladies, but Kelly is not exactly chomping at the bit to go. She doesn’t want to spend time with the Tres Amigas, or, as she calls them, the “Witches of Eastwick.”
Kelly is smack dab in the middle of a lot of controversy. So far this season, she has been accused of pulling a sex train, and now she’s been contacting Jim Bellino, who is suing both Tamra and Shannon. Kelly feels picked on, and she is heading into this trip already worked up. Because nothing says relaxing tropical vacation like showing up with a list of grievances.
Meanwhile, Tamra and Gina go shopping for bathing suits and talk about Kelly. Tamra hasn’t even seen her in three weeks, and things between them are not good. So we have bathing suits, old grudges, lawsuits, and a tropical vacation on the horizon. What could possibly go wrong?
Tamra doesn’t know why Kelly is coming for her. Kelly just goes ballistic when she’s mad, which is a fact. Braunwyn promises to have Kelly’s back in Florida, and Kelly agrees to go. She is not going to let the Tres Amoebas ruin her fun.
Shannon, meanwhile, is on her way to a divorce court proceeding. She filed two years ago, and she and David have been fighting it out in court ever since. Shannon wishes things were easier, but the whole process has been nasty and emotional.
Vicki invites everybody but Kelly and Braunwyn over for snackies and drinks. She has some news. She also got falafel, which I love. Vicki can’t pronounce it, but that is not going to stop her from serving it.
Vicki starts gesturing around with her left hand until all the women finally notice the engagement ring she made Steve give her. Her love tank is full, and she is engaged.
Vicki has the worst taste in men. Except for Don. He was a boss.
But Vicki is happy, and the other women are happy for her. Emily points out that Vicki must have sold a lot of insurance to afford that ring, and I agree.
Shannon arrives and says she has reached a final settlement in her divorce. She also received an email from David saying he is proud of her and hopes they can move forward. Shannon is moved.
So we have an engagement and a divorce at one fancy snacks party. Only in the OC.
Shannon is sulky about going to Key West because David started his affair there. I don’t get holding that against a whole lovely little island, but whatever. Key West did not participate in the affair, Shannon.
Gina’s estranged husband, Matt, is trying to woo her back. She thinks he has changed and would never cheat on her again. That’s a chance I wouldn’t take, but that’s me.
We cut to Braunwyn’s house, where she is packing for Miami and Key West. She and her husband will spend a few days in Miami before meeting up with the girls. They’ll spend one night in Miami, and then all of the women will finally head to Key West.
Braunwyn and her husband are boring. I never warmed to them.
Braunwyn hopes Vicki will be nice to her on the trip, and maybe even learn her actual name instead of calling her “Boring-Wind.” Good luck with that.
Tamra heads to Vicki’s, and we are still not in Florida. I just want to go to Key West.
Vicki is making taco salads, and her whole family, along with Steve’s family, is over. Briana has lupus. I do, too. It sucks. I wonder how she deals with all the sunshine in the OC. I can’t with the sun.
Vicki starts pushing Steve about when they are going to get married. He is so creepy and so obviously not into her that it isn’t even funny.
Tamra arrives and puts her stamp of approval on the blended family and the engagement.
That’s her opinion!!
We finally get to Miami. Braunwyn and her boring husband, complete with his big old necklace, are waiting for the other women to arrive so they can spend one night partying in Miami before driving to Key West.
Braunwyn says Miami is the most fun place in the world and that she misses living there. Nobody really cares.
The women arrive at the Miami airport, and most of them are avoiding Kelly. Braunwyn and her husband pick them up in convertibles.
This would annoy me. I like my air conditioning. And my hair.
It’s a windy ride, and Kelly says Gina better hold on to her fried hair. Kelly is coming to Florida swinging.
At the hotel, everyone fixes their wind-blown hair, and Braunwyn leaves a cake, champagne, and flowers for Vicki in her room to celebrate her fake engagement. Vicki is touched and decides to be nice to Braunwyn.
She nearly puts her eye out opening the champagne.
I love it.
They hit the clubs, and everyone is dancing and having a good time so far. They don’t even go out until 11, and I am tired just thinking about it.
Shannon is wearing hair extensions, and Kelly thinks she looks ridiculous. Kelly is pretty much mad at everyone at this point, and it shows. She blows off some steam by dancing her face off at the club.
Tamra dances like a thirsty little ho, which grosses Kelly out. She confronts the Tres Amigas and asks why they are mad at her. They won’t really engage with her or give her an answer.
On the bus back to the hotel, Shannon is laughing and proud of herself for dancing it up at da club. Kelly starts swinging again and tells Gina her hair is awful. Then, in the hotel lobby, she grabs Shannon’s hair and tells her she needs to cut it because it “looks like shit.”
This bursts Shannon’s bubble big time.
The next morning, the women meet up by the pool, and Gina gets stung by a bee. Tamra immediately wants to pee on her.
Braunwyn checks on Shannon to see how she is after the hair confrontation. Shannon is bummed that Kelly is so mean. Besides, she thought her hair looked cute.
So there.
Kelly and Tamra avoid each other at the pool bar while discussing each other within earshot of one another. Because apparently direct communication is not an option.
Braunwyn tries to bridge the gap and get them to talk. She thinks the Jim Bellino situation needs to be addressed, and Kelly says she wasn’t wrong.
Kelly feels like Shannon and Tamra just look for reasons to be mad at her.
Kelly calls Shannon over, and Shannon admits she is mad about the Jim Bellino thing. Then Tamra is there, and she is mad, too.
Kelly says she contacted Jim Bellino to retaliate for all of the rumors Tamra has been spreading. Tamra denies spreading anything. Tamra is screaming that she has only ever stuck up for Kelly.
Kelly says, “People that lie get sued!”
So there, again.
Tamra storms off yelling, “Go suck some more dick for money, Kelly!”
Could you imagine staying at one of these fabulous resorts as a real guest and seeing or hearing this shit go down? I would want my money back.
And we haven’t even gotten to Wild Wild Key West yet!
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