It’s the second episode of the Key West trip, but we aren’t actually in Key West yet. Instead, Kelly and Tamra are arguing about who sucks more dick for money. So, basically, we are right where we left off.
Kelly admits she spoke to Jim Bellino to hurt Tamra. She wanted Tamra to stop talking about her. Gina assures Kelly that Tamra has actually had her back this whole time, and just like that, Kelly is remorseful and wants to apologize to Tamra.
She gives Tamra a big hug. Tamra cries. And suddenly, they are good.
That was easy.
Vicki wants to go to Key West and have fun already, and so do I.
Shannon can’t believe how quickly Tamra and Kelly made amends, and Shannon wants Kelly to stay away from her. The Tres Amigas don scarves and glasses and hop into the convertibles for the drive to Key West.
Emily says they look like the geriatric version of Thelma and Louise.
Kelly tells them to drive off the cliff.
LMAO.
On the drive, Vicki gets a text from a woman Kelly fought in a bar. She says Kelly fractured her hand, and Vicki has been communicating with her and collecting information. Tamra advises Vicki to stop digging up dirt, and I hope she doesn’t, even though she really should.
Aaaand, Kelly is puking on the side of the highway, because what is a Housewives trip without a little puke? It’s usually Vicki, though.
Two hours later, they arrive at their gorgeous resort in Key West. They have a waterfront villa that looks amazing. I would stay there in a hot pink minute if Bravo would pay for it.
They unpack, get changed, and prepare to go to a drag show.
While they are getting ready, Gina and Emily discuss Vicki and how she has been talking to the woman Kelly had the bar fight with. They agree that Vicki is out of bounds and that someone should tell Kelly.
Oh, I hope they do.
Kelly is gonna go BANANAS.
Vicki calls her daughter, Jolie, to tell her how much she hates Vicki. Jolie hates her, too. Jolie is like thirteen and probably shouldn’t be involved in any of this, but I don’t have kids, so who am I to say anything?
The Key West cats are all over the resort. I love the Key West cats! They have six toes.
On each paw. Not total.
Anyhow, they have fun at the drag show. Gina says the performers remind her of the women on Long Island, and I laugh.
It’s true.
After the show, they hit the bar for shots. It must be the middle of the night by now, and I am tired just thinking about it.
Gina brings up Vicki and the woman she is talking to about Kelly. Kelly asks Vicki about insurance, randomly. Maybe she is trying to connect with her? I don’t know.
The Vicki/Kelly situation is going to explode. Big time.
Gina is stuck on telling Kelly that Vicki is talking to that woman, and she won’t let it go. They are shrieking about it right next to Kelly.
This should go well.
It’s 1:30 a.m., and Shannon drops the bomb. She tells Kelly that Vicki is talking to the woman who alleges Kelly broke her hand.
It takes Kelly a beat to process this. Then Vicki says she is physically afraid of Kelly because of the stories she has heard.
Vicki and Kelly get in each other’s faces about who hurts people more. Kelly says Vicki hurts people with cancer and calls her a con woman.
Vicki calls Kelly a bully and a slut.
And we are officially in Key West.
The Tres Amigas exit the bar, and Vicki is screaming on the sidewalk. She wants to go back to the hotel and put her PJs on.
She is not a con woman! She has never conned anybody in her life!
Christ, she is loud.
Kelly cries and wonders why she is being attacked so much.
The next day, the women are getting ready to head out on some tiki bar boats, which sounds absolutely awesome to me. I very much want to do this, but I don’t have enough friends.
Although, a solo drunken tiki voyage doesn’t sound half bad right about now.
The tiki boats look really cool. They come with a bartender. Who wouldn’t love this?
But, of course, we know the Housewives won’t have fun. What a waste of a perfectly good tiki.
Vicki wants to whoop it up. Gina is afraid of the water and thinks there are perfectly good bars on land, which, honestly, is probably the most Gina thing imaginable.
Vicki discusses her fake wedding plans. Kelly asks Tamra what is wrong with Vicki that she is interfering with her life? Tamra says Vicki intends to apologize. Kelly doesn’t seem too receptive, so we shall see how that goes.
The women get in the beautiful water and immediately pee in it.
Gross.
Braunwyn gets stung by a sea sponge. Kelly hauls Emily out of the water, and it’s hilarious.
Oh, but it is about to get so much better.
Kelly is on the phone with her ex-husband, Michael, and yells over to Vicki, “Michael says he has a lot of dirt on you and that your engagement is going to implode!”
Vicki asks why Kelly is such a terrible person, and Kelly SCREAMS back, “I am talking to Michael, you fucking pig!”
Everyone is stunned.
I don’t know why.
This is Kelly we’re talking about.
Vicki makes BJ gestures at Kelly, and Kelly immediately fires back that Vicki is wearing the perfect color for the pig that she is: pink.
It is rapid-fire, brutal, and honestly hilarious.
Emily points out that there is no need to attack Vicki’s looks when it is so easy to attack her character instead.
She’s got a point.
The boat ride is over, and I have to say, I enjoyed it.
I would never want to be in a room with Kelly Dodd. She scares me.
But man, oh man, do I enjoy watching her.
Back at the hotel, the Tres Amigas have cake.
I will NOT make any pig jokes.
I will not.
All of the women agree that they cannot have a group dinner because Kelly and Vicki cannot be in the same room without someone needing a referee. So they divide up into two groups.
Kelly admits that she loses her temper around Vicki and goes low. She tells Braunwyn and Emily that she does this because she has always felt ganged up on, and when she is hurt, she wants to win.
She lashes back. She gets angry quickly. She says she is like her mother that way.
And honestly, for all of Kelly’s chaos, this is probably the most self-aware we’ve seen her be.
Vicki, Tamra, Shannon, and Gina head out to Bagatelle, a fantastic little restaurant.
If you are ever in Key West, go there. You won’t be sorry.
They discuss Gina’s marriage, and she again says that she knows if they ever got back together, things would be good between them.
Tamra thinks Gina should give Matt another chance.
Shannon looks alarmed.
She tells us she thought the same thing after David’s affair, and that once a husband has checked out, he is gone.
Vicki says husbands only check out when they are not in a happy home, and Shannon takes offense.
She thinks her home was happy.
Okay.
They agree that only time will tell if Gina’s marriage will work out.
Then we hear that Shannon’s kids say their parents’ fighting caused them to have issues, and Shannon feels guilty.
I wonder if David does?
We see more flashbacks of Shannon and David fighting in front of their kids, and honestly, I am glad they are finally divorced.
I bet the kids are, too.
The Tres Amigas and Gina hit Duval Street for some shots, while the other women head back to the resort and go to bed like responsible adults.
Those shots pay off for the viewers.
Suddenly, Tamra is naked in the pool, Shannon is stripped down to her Spanx, Vicki is absolutely smashed, and they are being chased by security.
And then—
BAM.
Vicki down!
Yes, Vicki’s obligatory trip injury has arrived.
She falls, and she falls hard.
We get flashbacks of Vicki falling down over the years, and honestly, it is fabulous. At this point, a Housewives trip without Vicki getting injured would almost feel incomplete.
An ambulance comes for her.
I hope she has good insurance.
Check back for Part 3, because more chaos awaits!
Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives 
Leave a comment