We open at the Giudice estate, where the kitchen sink is backed up with God knows what, but Joe is unclogging it like a boss. Audriana is standing by, being an absolute little peanut, while the actual criminal activity takes place mere feet away. Enter Milania, who decides the family fish need a diet upgrade and feeds them straight dog food. Tough luck, fish.
Gabriella, the sole voice of reason in a house powered entirely by unfiltered noise, immediately blows the whistle. She tells Joe straight up that Milania has serious problems. Naturally, Milania doesn’t listen to Joe for shit—because why start now?—leaving Joe to literally thank God for Gabriella’s existence.
Before anyone can enforce a single rule, Milania hops onto her quad, hits the throttle, and zooms off into the horizon, screaming “So long, suckers!” like a tiny, unhinged warlord.
Left in the wake of the motorized getaway, Joe manages to cap off the afternoon by dropping his phone directly into the pond. Out come the waders, because at the Giudice house, peace was never an option—and neither was dry gear.
Gia comes out and uses the “Find My Phone” app to discover that Joe’s phone is… in the pond. Naturally, Joe puts on his waders and starts trudging into the pond to find it, while Gia stands there filming the entire thing on her phone. Lol. I would do the same thing. I just know that shit went straight up on Snapchat.
Joe finds the phone and the girls cheer like he has just returned from war. Milania helps him out of the pond, and somehow everyone immediately forgets that this entire ordeal was her fault. Everyone except Gabriella, who remembers exactly what happened and is apparently the only person in this family with a functioning memory.
They prepare to head up to upstate New York with the Gorgas. Joe Giudice’s dad built a place in the Catskills, and it’s an important spot for the Giudice family. The plan is to make pizzas and ride quads, which has the girls very excited. Joe, meanwhile, already has a headache just thinking about it.
Melissa and Joe Gorga talk about his upcoming visit with Teresa, and Melissa reminds us yet again that she has not been approved for the visitation list. We get the obligatory flashbacks of all the times they’ve fought over the years. Oh, for fuck’s sake.
And then, of course, James Leonard is back, getting another talking head. I cannot believe what a fixture this guy has become in the Giudice family. It is not normal. I have a lawyer. Actually, I’m married to my lawyer—and I think I see him less often than James Leonard shows up for meals and wine.
They head off for the Catskills. Joe Giudice forgets there are cameras and almost jumps in the driver’s seat when he doesn’t have a license. The girls fight the entire ride. Sisters are fun. I say that because I am the youngest and got away with everything. When they arrive at the Catskills house, Joe immediately lights up the pizza oven and the girls all remember their grandfather.
The Gorgas arrive, and the cousins are all really cute together. Then Milania has a chainsaw. I’m not kidding. She also has a bullet. This is Giudice Girls Gone Wild.
The Joes sit around talking while Melissa cooks and the kids run amok with various weapons, which feels like a completely normal family gathering in this household.
Teresa calls, and Joe Giudice immediately lights up. Joe Gorga asks if he can come visit her Saturday, and she says he can. She tells them her prison has no air conditioning, and I can’t even imagine. I love my air conditioning. I would simply cease to exist.
Then Joe Gorga tells us that vaginas get tighter in prison. He presents this information as though he personally conducted the clinical trial. I don’t quite know what to say about this.
Rosie arrives, and there is not a Richie or a Kathy in sight. The cousins make some awesome-looking pizzas, and the kids love them. Everyone raises a glass and toasts to family. Melissa says it feels like old times.
Minus, you know, Teresa being in jail and stuff.
In his talking head, Joe Giudice admits that Teresa doesn’t care about seeing Melissa while she’s in jail. So there’s that little detail hanging over the whole family reunion.
That night, Joe Gorga tells Melissa that he can’t wait to visit his sister. He hopes things stay good between all of them when Teresa comes home. He admits that he loves his sister, but he doesn’t really miss her because there is still so much bad blood between them. He wants the old Teresa back.
The next day, the Gorgas leave, and the Giudices visit their family chapel to honor and pray for Joe’s dad. They try to say the “Our Father,” but apparently nobody has attended Catholic School because none of them can remember the words. It’s a nice thought, though.
Teresa calls and prays with them. She actually knows the words and everything, which is more than can be said for the rest of the family. Joe starts crying, and you can really see how much Teresa being away is taking a toll on him.
Back in Jersey, Milania is being an absolute speed demon on the quad, which makes me nervous just watching it. Gia and Joe try to get her to listen, but she takes off, so Joe hops on a little electric bike and goes after her. It’s hilarious.
Gia ends up yelling at him for going into the woods and falling off his bike, and Joe tells her he doesn’t appreciate it. Gia explains that things have been rough on her with Teresa away.
Joe encourages Gia to have a little more patience. He appreciates everything she does and tells her that she is strong and that he likes that about her.
In the next scene, Milania is shaving Joe Giudice’s back, and he wonders if he can write her off as a tax deduction. Oh, Joe. Don’t go getting creative with your taxes. You haven’t even started serving your sentence yet.
Joe is out on his little bike, with the helmet, again—and who is he meeting? I can’t believe it, but James Leonard has shown up for another meal! They’re at the restaurant where the infamous Season 1 finale table flip happened. James tells Joe that the Giudices are making good progress paying their restitution to the government, while simultaneously chowing down.
I would never hire a lawyer with a pinky ring. No, ma’am.
Joe says he has learned to do things the right way and be more careful in the future. Given everything that has happened, that would probably be a good idea.
Next, it’s the morning that the Joes, the kids, and Teresa’s mom are going to visit Teresa. Basically, everyone but Melissa is going, because Teresa’s dad can’t bring himself to visit.
Joe Gorga is nervous during the drive to the prison. He can’t believe he actually has to visit his sister there. His mother warns him to be happy around Teresa and not to show any sadness. It’s one of those moments where everyone is trying to put on a brave face for Teresa, even though the whole situation is obviously weighing on them.
Gia admits that leaving Teresa there is the hardest part. She says realizing that Teresa can’t come home with them is what really gets to her. They get to see her, but then they have to leave her behind again—and that’s the part that hurts the most.
Cameras aren’t allowed inside the prison, so we cut to after the visit. Joe Gorga says it broke him to see his sister in there and that it made him cry. Teresa cried too, but told him she was okay. Seeing her and having that conversation made Joe feel closer to her and gave him hope that things between them would continue to improve.
Joe Giudice says Teresa wants to come home, but she still has a lot of months left to serve. She is scheduled to be released in December 2015, while Joe is scheduled to begin serving his own sentence in March 2016.
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