RHONJ, Season 9, Episode 15–Finale: Your Husband’s in the Pool!

We open with some morning scenes of the women in their houses before Teresa and Danielle Staub meet up to shop for red dresses for Jennifer Aydin’s anniversary party. Danielle is nervous about the party because, at this point, Teresa is really the only person in the cast who will interact with her. They talk about the Cabo trip and all of the ongoing beef between Danielle and Marge before ultimately picking out some very pretty dresses.

We also get some scenes of Jackie with her mom. Jackie takes her for a makeover, which is sweet, although Jackie is also being a little pushy about the whole thing. It’s mostly a nice mother-daughter moment, but these scenes feel very much like filler—which usually means something is about to go horribly wrong.

At Marge’s, her stepson Brett comes over for lunch. He is estranged from his dad, and Bravo keeps trying to make this storyline happen, probably because Brett is the only one of Marge’s children who will film for the show. I don’t know about anyone else, but it doesn’t interest me.

Jennifer and Bill Aydin take the kids out for hibachi. Jennifer says they rarely go out as a family, but when they do, it is utter torture. There are just so many kids! Olivia immediately starts negotiating with Jen, telling her that if Jen buys her two things at Target, she’ll finish her soup. Bill calls this behavior “spoiled” and says Jennifer needs to be more of a disciplinarian.

Jennifer explains that she tries to make it up to the kids because Bill isn’t around much. The kids open up about how they feel about their dad being gone so often, and Bill agrees that he needs to do better.

We cut to Frank and Dolores looking over the house they flipped together. It looks really nice, and honestly, they work surprisingly well together. They stand to make $200,000 on the sale, which is a pretty nice little side project.

Dolores tells Frank that she needs some change in her life and wants to move out of the house she’s lived in for twenty-four years. Frank is worried about her making such a big change, but Dolores is lonely there now that the kids are gone. She also isn’t really ready to move in with David, especially since he still won’t commit to her. So Dolores is basically stuck in a house full of memories, waiting for a man who refuses to make up his mind.

Frank says he loves Dolores more than anything, and I find myself wondering again why these two can’t just make it work. Oh, right. Frank cheats like a dog.

At Melissa’s, Melissa is doing a fake DNA test for her fake long-lost sister storyline, which remains about as compelling as it sounds. More interestingly, she calls Joe Gorga out on the way he speaks to her about her boutique and her work. She finds him demeaning, and honestly, he is.

Melissa thinks Joe is setting a terrible example for Antonia by preaching such traditional gender roles. Joe says he is just “old school,” which is his excuse for everything. Melissa wants Antonia to know that both of her parents will support her no matter what she chooses to do, and Joe agrees to hold his tongue.

Jennifer Aydin is getting big-time glammed for her party, and we see the other women getting their hair and makeup done for the event. Marge is worried about seeing Danielle and hopes Teresa sees through her soon.

We get plenty of foreshadowing that this party is going to be a showdown, with flashbacks to past insults and fights between Marge, Joe B., Danielle, and Marty. Jennifer’s house is decked out like the Taj Mahal, and she is wearing a custom gown (it’s hideous) and a tiara (it’s worse).

The women start arriving in their best red outfits. Jen and Bill have a casino theme set up, and it actually looks fun. And expensive.

Marge arrives, and she and Jen greet each other nicely. They seem to have hashed out their issues from the Cabo trip, so at least one feud has been put to bed before the party even starts. Everyone is waiting for Danielle’s arrival.

Danielle walks in looking fantastic and gets a warm greeting from everyone except Teresa, who is the only one who seems genuinely glad to see her. Joe B. is still furious with Marty over the comments he made about Marge’s looks, and Marty immediately notices that Joe B. doesn’t say hello to him.

Marty goes over to Joe B. and Joe Gorga and calls Joe B. out for not greeting him. Joe Gorga says it’s sad that the two of them aren’t friends anymore. Joe B. is apparently still so insulted that he can barely bring himself to even look at Marty.

The other women tell Teresa that they don’t want Danielle around anymore, and Teresa gets sick of talking about it and walks away. Jennifer gives a toast, getting everyone’s attention with a resounding “Yo!” because that’s how you do it in Jersey.

There are belly dancers, and Joe Gorga is in heaven. He whips out his best old-school stripper moves, but thankfully keeps Tarzan confined.

Teresa eventually asks Marty and Danielle to speak with her outside. She tells Danielle that the girls really don’t want her around anymore and think she’s toxic. Danielle, naturally, does not agree. She says Marge is the one who is toxic.

Joe Gorga tries to get Joe B. and Marty to speak to each other, and they agree to go outside. They go over by the fire pit. And the pool. Marty says Joe B. needs to apologize for his behavior in Bimini. Joe B. calls bullshit on that and demands that Marty say he is sorry for insulting Marge’s looks, and Marty refuses. It escalates very quickly, Jersey style, and Marty says “You keep staring at Danielle’s tits because you’re wife doesn’t have any!” He calls Joe B. a “jealous motherfucker.” 

Marge goes looking for Joe B., and he catches her up on Marty’s insults. She is appalled, but Marty doesn’t back down. Soon Marge and Joe B. are going after him, backing him toward the pool.

Marty tells Joe B., “When you go home tonight, she is gonna bitch-slap you!” And splish splash, Marty’s taking a bath!

Marge and Joe B. both push him into the pool. I think Marge gets there first by a split second, but it’s hard to tell. Either way, Marty is suddenly soaking wet and everyone has completely lost the plot.

How do more assault charges not happen among these cast members?

Joe B. and Marge stomp back into the party and announce to Danielle, “Your husband’s in the pool.” Teresa is appalled by Marge’s behavior and starts to agree with Danielle that Marge is toxic. She tells the women that she is not going to stop bringing Danielle around them. Teresa thinks they are making excuses for Marge’s bad behavior, and honestly, she has a point. Marge has thrown wine at people, and now she has pushed someone into a pool. It’s a lot.

Dolores says she is “done,” and when Dolores is done, the party is over.