At Gina’s house, she is packing for the upcoming Jamaica trip. We get shots of the other women packing, and it looks like quite an ordeal. I hate packing.
Shannon is stressed about buying clothes for Jamaica because she has gained weight. Tamra, who owns a gym, tells her to stop eating. Well, there’s some helpful vacation advice.
They all head to the airport, and Shannon is shrieking at like 3:30 in the morning. She announces that Vacation Shannon is ready to play. I’m sure everyone is thrilled.
They film each other on the plane, and I can’t imagine being on a flight with these women. I would lose my shit. They don’t shut up.
When they arrive in Jamaica, all the women immediately complain about the heat. They put on ridiculous dreadlock hats and head to their resort, while talking about whether or not conch makes people horny.
I love conch. I don’t know if it makes me horny, though.
Their resort is lovely, and they are greeted with drinks and a 24-hour butler. Now this is my kind of vacation.
Shannon doesn’t want to room with Emily and Gina, and she makes no bones about saying so. She wants her Tres Amigas vibe. Fair enough, I suppose, but she is not exactly making Gina and Emily feel welcome.
The rooms are great, but the air conditioning is broken. I would die. No ma’am. I need my artificial air readily available at all times.
Emily, Gina, and Kelly agree that Shannon is being standoffish. Tamra wants Shannon to give Gina and Emily a chance, but Shannon seems pretty determined to stick with her Tres Amigas crew.
They all bitch about the air conditioning, and Vicki’s eyeballs are sweating. Shannon won’t open the windows or doors because she is afraid of the Zika virus. So now they’re trapped in a tropical sauna.
The six women head off to a gorgeously set table. Unfortunately, the restaurant is also hot. Of course it is.
Shannon gets a message that her rental house was sold and she has to move. She is upset because she and the girls haven’t even been there a full year. She gets emotional, and Kelly tries to give her some perspective by pointing out that there are people in the world who are starving. She tells Shannon to take her kids to the projects if she wants them to see real problems. Lol. Kelly is something else.
Kelly thinks Shannon complains too much and doesn’t realize how fortunate they all are. Maybe she needs hormones.
They discuss Gina’s separation, and Vicki cautions her that she may face a financial disaster if she doesn’t ask for some type of support. Shannon is on her phone texting the whole time.
And then Vicki tries to sell Gina some life insurance. Because apparently no vacation is complete without a sales pitch.
Vicki, who always seems to have some sort of medical issue on these trips, is suddenly bright red and sweating. Kelly says all of her plastic surgery is malfunctioning at once, and I die.
We see scenes of Vicki hurting herself over the years, and I enjoy them more than I should. The women douse her with water to cool her off. She is really having a moment.
On Day 2 in Jamaica, the women are still boiling hot. They hit the beach and the spa, presumably hoping to find somewhere they can escape the heat.
Kelly has a mysterious rash. Kelly keeps talking about the rash, and she is making me itchy. Vicki proposes a moment of silence, but Kelly breaks it to talk about her rash again. Of course she does.
Gina and Emily still hope that Shannon will warm up to them. Tamra agrees that there is definitely some distance. They discuss how Shannon can be a taker in a friendship, and Tamra says she feels sorry for her because she thinks Shannon is sad.
Tamra doesn’t want to enable Shannon to always think negatively and complain. Unfortunately, this is starting to sound like the kind of vacation where everyone is going to spend the entire time discussing Shannon. They are tired of Sour Shannon.
Next, they head to a rafting excursion. Shannon is pregaming with beer, while Gina is nervous because she is afraid of water. Shannon is still worried about Zika, because apparently the mosquitoes are the only thing she can think about on this trip.
They bicker about who will go with whom on the small rafts, which only hold two people. Tamra gets butt hurt when Shannon chooses Vicki instead of her.
They take the rafts down a lazy river, and everyone has a beer with them. Because nothing says responsible water activity quite like six Housewives floating down a river with alcohol.
Gina is afraid a Kraken is going to get her, and Shannon has gas. This woman really is a party and a half, I’ll say. It must be from the Zika.
The women all play a drinking game and get progressively more buzzed while harassing the raft drivers. Vicki’s eyes start watering, and she thinks it is an allergic reaction. I think it’s Shannon’s gas.
Tamra and Kelly gossip about how Shannon isn’t being nice to Emily and Gina. Kelly says it’s Shannon’s loss, and we move to the women doing a rope swing/dive into the water.
Emily goes first, while Shannon and Vicki, the Debbie Downers, want no part of it. I wouldn’t either, but I can be quite a buzzkill. The two of them go off on their own to get a couple of beers.
Vicki still claims she has an allergic reaction. This woman cannot go on a trip without a medical emergency, and it cracks me up.
Vicki tells the bartender all about her bad luck with Brooks. She is worried Steve will break her heart, too, and this is a deep conversation to have with a stranger, but it makes me laugh. I love Vicki when she is crazy instead of just plain obnoxious.
Gina and Emily come over to them and try to get Shannon to be nice to them. It doesn’t work, and they are tired of trying. Shannon is a cold fish.
Shannon wants to just sit in the van by herself and chooses not to have more drinks with all of the women. She does take her beer with her, though. Priorities and such.
Tamra tells us she is trying to be patient with Shannon, but her constant negativity is getting old. Tamra is ready to blow, and I can’t wait to rewatch it.
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