We begin with dramatic flash-forwards of the chaos to come on the yacht. There’s smashed glass, women crying, and crew members calling each other for help. And, for reasons we do not yet understand, there are shots of a stuffed unicorn floating in the water.
So I’m intrigued.
Then we flash back to Salt Lake City, where the women are gathering at the airport for Heather’s yacht trip. Bronwyn isn’t making the flight, although she insists she’s still coming. The women immediately start wondering what’s going on, and naturally, their minds go straight to the recent headlines about Bronwyn’s past.
The women head off to Canouan, a posh and exclusive island, and everyone is excited about the yacht.
Heather greets Captain Jason, whom she knows from a previous trip to Australia. And Heather wastes absolutely no time letting us know that she finds the captain attractive. She says that if she were ever stranded on an island alone with him, she would bring condoms and a bikini.
Well, then.
We haven’t even gotten on the yacht yet, Heather.
Angie wants to stay far away from Lisa Barlow and her big ankles. Her words, not mine. I honestly forget what their beef is at this point, but I have a feeling these women are going to remind me very soon.
Meanwhile, Britani immediately starts flirting with basically everything that moves. At this rate, I’m expecting her to hit on a dolphin before dinner.
They tour the yacht, and it looks spectacular. The women choose their rooms, and Britani learns she’ll be sharing with Bronwyn once she arrives. I am anticipating trouble on that one, but we shall see.
Heather gathers the women and explains that she and Whitney are actually friends with Captain Jason, so she wants everyone to be on their best behavior.
That request may have been made to the wrong group of people.
Britani, meanwhile, has other priorities. She just wants to sleep with Captain Jason because she’s currently on a thirty-day break from her boyfriend, Jared. She has apparently allowed Jared to come between her and her daughters, which is bananas.
This woman is a hot mess and man crazy.
The ladies all agree that if Britani even mentions Jared during the trip, they will splash her with water.
And Meredith wastes absolutely no time enforcing the rule.
Britani mentions Jared, and Meredith gleefully splashes her with water.
Bronwyn finally arrives, convinced the women have been discussing all the articles about her. And honestly, given the way Housewives operate, she probably isn’t wrong.
She arrives dressed like a buoy or something. I am not kidding. She looks like she’s about to be tossed overboard and used to mark the yacht’s location.
The women all act happy to see her, so for the moment, everyone is playing nice.
The ladies change into their bathing suits for lunch, but not before Meredith gets Britani with the water again.
Heather immediately has the crew searching for her lost nipple cover, which warrants the nautical equivalent of an APB.
Meanwhile, Britani has brought along a little stuffed unicorn — the stuffed unicorn — that has Jared’s voice in it and tells her he loves her.
It’s great.
For a fourteen-year-old.
Bronwyn tells Britani that she believes someone in the group is planting the stories about her. She insists that none of the stories are true and says someone is trying to discredit her.
According to Bronwyn, the only thing in her past is that she was once evicted. Everything else is sealed and settled.
It sounds sketchy.
One of the crew members finds a cucumber in a piece of luggage.
It’s a girthy one.
All of the women deny packing it, but I have my suspicions.
Angie, meanwhile, is really seasick, while the rest of the women head to a fantastic-looking lunch on deck.
Whitney asks Bronwyn if everything is okay, and Bronwyn explains that her husband didn’t want her to come on the trip because of all the articles and rumors.
Meredith tells Bronwyn to just clear everything up, but Bronwyn repeats that she was evicted when she was nineteen and pregnant, and that’s it. She says there are no charges against her and insists that any other cases were sealed, so she cannot discuss them.
The women aren’t buying it and start wondering why Bronwyn is so upset if there’s supposedly nothing else to the story.
Bronwyn says she and her husband believe the stories came from one of the women on the trip.
Lisa is quick to say that none of them would do that, and she gets a whole lot of side eye.
Lisa points out that Bronwyn dug up stuff on her, implying that Bronwyn has done essentially the same thing.
Heather thinks Lisa may be revealing herself as a possible source of the rumors, retaliating for what she believes Bronwyn did to her.
They start shouting at each other, another meal is ruined, and Lisa wants to jump in the water. Everyone is surprised by her strong reaction, and, naturally, they think it makes her look guilty.
Eventually, everyone goes swimming and plays with some very cool giant inflatable rafts.
Heather, meanwhile, is glued to Captain Jason and rides him like a bronco. She is having the time of her life.
Britani is confused because she also wants to fool around with Captain Jason. Heather says she has “fucked around” with him, although she later denies it.
Then Heather tells Britani to have at him, and honestly, I don’t think this poor man is interested in either one of these women.
Angie is still really seasick, but she has been a team player and keeps pushing herself to participate, which eventually results in her puking everywhere.
I feel bad for her.
This is supposed to be a fabulous luxury yacht vacation, and Angie looks like she is about to die.
Meanwhile, Britani continues throwing herself at the male yacht hands. It’s not a great look.
Whitney and Bronwyn retreat to Bronwyn and Britani’s room, where they make fun of Britani’s stuffed unicorn. And while they’re doing that, we see Britani going after yet another man on deck.
This woman is on a mission.
Bronwyn tells Whitney that she thinks Lisa’s reaction at lunch was very telling, and Whitney agrees that Lisa is the source of the Bronwyn rumors and leaks.
They get ready for dinner, and by this point, most of the women seem convinced that Lisa is the leak in the group.
So this should be fun.
Heather says she knows Lisa gathers information as ammunition, which is certainly not the sort of thing you want said about you right before a group dinner on a yacht.
Heather and Whitney meet up with Meredith in Heather’s room and ask if she wants to join them in confronting Lisa.
Meredith plays like she’s still unsure whether Lisa is actually guilty, but agrees that they should ask her about it at dinner.
Uh oh.
Here we go.
Angie is still barfing and has to skip dinner. The staff and Mary take good care of her, and Mary asks to have her dinner in the room with Angie, which is actually very sweet.
So the other six ladies sit down for dinner.
Britani says she doesn’t miss Mary, and Heather immediately tells her that they don’t shit-talk other people behind their backs.
Lol.
Bronwyn then calls Britani out for also being angry with Lisa and Meredith. We get flashbacks of Britani talking badly about both of them, and Bronwyn brings all of it up at the table.
Britani claims that Meredith has seizures, slurs her words, and acts crazy.
Meredith is big-time pissed.
She actually appears to have a seizure, and then dumps her drink on Britani.
They haven’t even made it past the appetizer.
It looked good.
I have a feeling no one is going to finish it.
Britani is sick of Meredith treating her like shit and says no one ever sticks up for her. She declares that she is the only one who isn’t afraid of Meredith.
It’s possible she’s right.
Britani thinks Meredith is batshit nuts, while Meredith calls Britani a liar and says she has done a lot of really nasty things.
Britani tells Meredith to disengage, which is probably not the word I would choose when Meredith is already this fired up.
Heather tries to restore order, but Meredith is too worked up to quiet down. Heather says everyone needs to own their shit.
Whitney points out that Heather and Meredith also need to own what they said about Lisa earlier.
Meredith backs down and doesn’t have much to say.
Heather, however, comes out swinging. She tells Lisa that she thinks Lisa is the source of all the dirt about the group.
Lisa absolutely flips.
She cannot believe they would accuse her of this and insists it isn’t true. According to Lisa, people simply tell her things. She is not the source of the rumors.
Meanwhile, down below, Mary and Angie can actually hear Lisa screaming.
And upstairs, Lisa, Heather, and Whitney go at each other, hurling so many accusations back and forth that it becomes difficult to keep track of who is accusing whom of what.
Dinner has officially gone to hell.
Lisa Barlow is crying and says the women are lucky she even talks to any of them. She demands that Meredith defend her while Heather continues screaming at Lisa.
The meals finally come out, and literally nobody cares.
The crew looks stunned and frightened, but they maintain their decorum like absolute professionals. I would be hiding in the kitchen.
Heather goes hard on Lisa, repeatedly insisting that she believes Lisa is the source of all the dirt about the women. Lisa keeps denying it and says that if Heather really believes that about her, then she can’t be Heather’s friend.
Meanwhile, the chef comes out to meet the ladies.
Nobody notices him.
This poor man is standing there with his introduction while the women are screaming so loudly that he may as well be invisible. I’m pretty sure the main courses have been sitting there long enough to qualify as archaeological artifacts.
Lisa eventually stomps off, screaming about all the things the women have done to her.
Heather goes after her, but Lisa wants nothing to do with her. She tells Heather to get the fuck away from her. Heather proceeds to keep following her.
This would annoy the hell out of me if I were Lisa and wanted to be left alone.
Then, suddenly, Heather is mad and tells Lisa to fuck off.
That was a quick turnaround.
Lisa is crying on the phone with her husband, John, and says she is reassessing all of her friendships.
Honestly, Lisa, welcome to the yacht.
Meanwhile, even the crew is gossiping about all the drama between the women. When the yacht staff starts discussing your behavior, you know things have gotten out of hand.
Heather tells Mary and Angie that she accused Lisa of being the leak, and they both agree with Heather and tell her she is right.
So at this point, Lisa has been found guilty by the jury of Housewives, and apparently the crew is the only group left trying to maintain order.
Britani, meanwhile, is still pursuing Captain Jason. She asks him for a late-night tour of the ship, and he tells her he is going to bed.
Lol.
That man has escaped.
Britani then goes to check on Lisa, but Lisa tells her to get away from her.
Britani is having a rough night. Every man she approaches rejects her, and every woman she approaches tells her to leave.
We leave off with Lisa crying alone and asking how her friends could do this to her.
And I’m still wondering how the unicorn ends up in the water.
Because we know it does.
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