RHOSLC, Season 1, Episode 1–Welcome to Salt Lake City!

I have been getting some emails requesting this franchise and I am ready! I’ve watched it before, so let’s dig in to the very first episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

The episode kicks off with shots of the scenery around Salt Lake City, and it looks VERY different from the locations we have seen before. We hear the women doing voiceovers about what makes the city so unique, particularly the combination of society, wealth, and the Mormon church. We also get some flash-forwards of the women fighting throughout the season, and, I have to say, it looks legit. I am intrigued.

Now, let’s meet the ladies.

At Jen Shah’s rented chalet, we meet Coach Shah, who is making breakfast for Jen. They have two sons, Rief and Omar. Jen explains that her ethnicity is unusual in Utah because the area is not particularly diverse. She tells us how hard her husband works and how grateful she is for the lifestyle they have created. I bet. Jen tells us that she used to be Mormon but converted to Islam for her husband. She then tells her son not to kiss anyone, so he doesn’t catch AIDS. Oh, man, get that medical degree STAT.

Her oldest son is planning on going to med school, and that is going to cost a pretty penny.  Hope Jen is saving up other people’s money!

We meet Heather Gay next. She runs a successful beauty spa, which seems pretty appropriate considering she tells us that Mormonism teaches that perfection is attainable and should be sought. Sounds like she owns the perfect business for that.

We see her daughters, and Heather tells us she is a purebred, pedigreed Mormon. She married into extreme wealth, with her ex-husband’s family considered “Mormon royalty” and, according to Heather, worth billions.

But Heather is divorced, and she is having a hard time reconciling that with her Mormon faith. Divorce is clearly something she has struggled with, particularly because of the expectations she grew up with. She has also built a lifestyle that doesn’t exactly fit with traditional Mormon teachings, and she isn’t sure how she feels about any of it yet.

So basically, Heather is a divorced Mormon running a beauty empire while trying to figure out what the hell happened to the perfect life she was promised. I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a LOT about this.

At Meredith Marks’ rental, her son, Brooks, appears for the first time. He becomes quite the staple on the show, and a  breakout star in his own way. Meredith, her husband Seth, and Brooks are going hiking. Not my jam, but sure. 

Meredith explains that they split their time between Chicago and Utah. She has been married to Seth for 23 years and they have three children. Brooks is the most interesting one, and he does Meredith’s makeup every day. I want a Brooks.

Meredith owns a jewelry store in Utah and designs jewelry, while Seth’s work keeps him traveling and spending significant time away. So, that’s a balancing act.

Next up is Lisa Barlow. She has the most annoying voice I have ever heard, and she REALLY loves Lisa Barlow and Lisa Barlow’s life. She wants us to know this.

We see her waking her sons up and getting her dog dressed for a walk. Yes, her dog. She is from New York and Jewish by heritage, but Mormon by choice. She and her husband, John, have been married for 16 years, and their sons are Jack and Henry.

Then, we hear about VIDA tequila for the first time. In ensuing episodes, Lisa will not shut up about this and never misses an opportunity to plug it. We are about to become VERY familiar with VIDA tequila.

The family lives on drive-thru and fast food. I don’t know how Mormon that is, but whatever.

Jen Shah visits Heather’s spa for some treatments, and we learn that they have known each other for a few years. Jen gets Botox in her armpits. Seriously? Now I have to worry about my armpits aging? That’s just great.

They discuss Meredith’s upcoming birthday and decide to host a Studio 54 party at Jen Shah’s house. This seems like a perfectly reasonable idea, except Meredith doesn’t seem like she thinks it’s refined enough for her. We shall see.

We cut to Whitney Rose’s wedding day. She has actually been married to her husband for 10 years and they have two kids. Whitney reveals that her husband is 18 years older than she is, and that they were both married when they met. Very Mormon.

Whitney was excommunicated from the church, and she is also Heather’s cousin, so apparently there is already some family history here.

Whitney has an annoying little baby voice that drives me nuts, but I don’t hate her. In fact, I suspect Whitney may grow on me.

We move to Jen Shah with her assistant, Stuart. She tells us he does everything. Hmm. Let’s see how that plays out in court, Jen.

For now, they are busy planning Meredith’s birthday party, which seems to be shaping up as the main event for the ladies.

We go back to Meredith’s and see her getting ready for Lisa to come over. Lisa arrives, and these two look so much alike to me that it was hard to keep them straight at first.

Jen is also on her way over and arrives shortly after Lisa, in stilettos, in the snow. Because apparently, hypothermia is not an acceptable reason to sacrifice an outfit.

Lisa tells us she is the queen of the Sundance Film Festival, so I guess that’s pretty fancy.

Jen brings up that Lisa went to school with Heather and has known her for 20 years. Lisa says she doesn’t remember Heather. Lol. Those two aren’t going to get along. I feel it.

Lisa says she DOES remember that Heather was a good-time girl in college.

Oh, this should be fun.

We meet Mary Cosby, and she meets up with Whitney. Mary is very unfiltered. I mean, VERY.

Mary has been married for 21 years. To her step-grandfather.

Evidently, her grandmother “left” her husband to Mary in the will, and that’s not weird at all.

Mary and her husband run a Pentecostal church, which she also inherited from her grandmother. Because of course she did.

Mary tells a story about telling Jen that she smelled “like hospital.” If that sounds bizarre, it’s because it is. It all is, and I am here for it.

Jen didn’t even want to invite Mary to Meredith’s party because she is so offended by the whole thing. And I have a feeling this is going to continue developing in true Housewives fashion.

We see the setup for the party at Jen’s house, and it looks extravagant. I wish I had a friend who was willing to spend ill-gotten gains on me like that.

Jen also has at least three assistants, and that’s gotta get pricey.

Heather stops by, and Jen tells her that Lisa denied knowing her. Heather is not happy. Storms are brewing in SLC.

Heather feels Lisa is being dismissive and takes serious offense to the “good-time girl” comment. She insists it isn’t true. She was a virgin when she got married and even signed BYU’s Honor Code.

Heather is VERY offended.

And suddenly, Meredith’s birthday party has the potential to be considerably more entertaining than anyone planned.

We go to Meredith’s, where Seth has had Brooks set up a rose paradise for Meredith’s birthday. It’s beautiful, but Seth won’t actually be in town for her birthday.

Meredith is surprised by all of the roses and thinks it’s beautiful, but she’d obviously rather have Seth there in person. She appreciates the gesture, but she’s disappointed that he won’t be there to celebrate with her.

We get to the night of the party, and Meredith is dressed like a Muppet for reasons I cannot fathom. Lisa is wearing all black, because she is a New Yorker. Whitney is dressed like Barbie, and Jen’s house is decked out in the best that stolen money can buy.

I would go to this party, as long as I never had to give a deposition about it or anything like that.

Heather is very ready to party and loves the shirtless male servers. All of the other women arrive, the cocktails are flowing, and little fractures are already beginning to form.

Heather is still annoyed that Lisa said she doesn’t remember her and hasn’t approached her about it yet, but she will.

Jen makes her grand entrance, even though it is Meredith’s party, and there is a dance performance that is very cool and probably cost a bundle. Jen reminds us that she is extravagant. She might want to keep her mouth shut about that on camera.

Heather finally goes to say hello to Lisa, and Lisa completely blows her off like she is a stranger. Heather wonders if she is being shunned for being a divorced Mormon.

Jen and Mary sit down together to hash out the hospital-smell fight. It’s pretty ridiculous, but they are dead serious.

Mary says she almost died in a hospital and can’t stand the smell of them. Jen is insulted that Mary was insensitive to her after Jen had just visited her aunt in the hospital—the source of the smell.

Keri, Jen’s friend, chimes in, and Mary says she also smells like hospital.

LMAO.

Mary is a very special kind of Housewife.

These women really do hit different, and I am not sure why. Maybe it’s the snow, or the altitude.

Jen storms off and yells that Mary is disrespecting her family, and that’s the end of Episode 1.