RHUGT, Season 5, Episode 3: Roaring 20’s

We’re back with another episode of RHUGT, otherwise known as a bunch of old dinosaurs sitting around while the show reminds us of things we already watched.

So far, this season has been less “Ultimate Girls Trip” and more “Previously on The Real Housewives,” with an impressive amount of flashbacks and very little actually happening in the present. I am already tired, and the episode hasn’t even given me a reason to be awake yet.

I’m sorry if the recaps for this show have been a little flat. I just don’t feel like there has been much action to work with. I’m hoping tonight delivers, because I would really like to have something to work with besides footage I’ve already seen.

Let’s see if these dinosaurs can manage to do something interesting.

The ladies are still in Beverly Hills, and Kyle is preparing to host her famous white party. She’s been throwing these things since 2004, so naturally we get a montage of white parties from years past. Because if there’s one thing this episode loves, it’s a flashback.

Mauricio is planning to stop by, which makes Kyle sad since it’s the day after their thirtieth anniversary. We see all of the women getting ready for the party, and Luann is wearing wings. I’m assuming this means she’ll be performing at the party. Lord help us all.

Erika and Sutton arrive. Oh, and Teddi is there. I can’t with Teddi.

Eileen Davidson, Adrienne Maloof, and Camille Grammer also arrive, and we are really bringing out the dinosaurs tonight.

Oh, shit. Denise Richards and Meredith Marks are there. This might be some fun, after all. Here’s hoping.

So far, though, the episode is so bogged down with flashbacks that I can’t tell. They are pretty much nonstop.

The party does look pretty, and everyone looks nice. All of the women are impressed.

Luann is having trouble with her wings, as one does.

Lisa Barlow is happy to see Meredith, but nervous about seeing Bronwyn. Whitney from SLC is also there, and since Whitney and Meredith are not speaking, I am hoping something will go down.

Lisa is also not speaking to Whitney, but Porsha and Gizelle are friendly with her. Then Mauricio shows up, and his interaction with Kyle is pretty awkward, which is to be expected. He will never emotionally fulfill her. Know that.

Luann is still prancing around in her wings and tells us she is worried about seeing Erika because they have issues stemming from Bravocon, when Luann called Erika one of the rudest Housewives she has ever met.

This chick films with Ramona, so that is really saying something.

Gizelle realizes that the Salt Lake women are completely ignoring each other and asks Whitney about it. Bronwyn and Whitney warn Gizelle to watch out for Lisa and Meredith.

Naturally, we get a bunch of flashbacks of fights between all the Salt Lake women. And you know what? It actually makes me want to watch RHOSLC. I think I might start recapping it. It’s gotta be better than this pack of dinosaurs rehashing the same old fossils.

Luann gets ready to make her grand entrance. Kyle introduces her, and Luann comes strutting in wearing her wings and a harness.

Of course she does.

Luann performs one of her songs, accompanied by a man dressed like a bush. It’s so bad. I mean, it’s really exceptionally bad. This may be the worst I have ever heard her sound.

Oh, the bush is a callback to her iconic fall in Mexico. That is one of my favorite scenes, but the bush man is still an odd touch.

The performance finally ends and everyone tells Luann how great she was. Okay. Lisa says she was a 12/10, and then we get to watch the other women attempt to sing over the years. It makes my teeth hurt.

We find out that Dorit and Kyle still aren’t speaking. Erika and Luann finally come face to face, and Erika is ICY. Luann wants to talk to her, but Erika walks away. Luann says Erika is a bitch.

My husband just came into the room and said, “Oh, finally. Something is happening.”

I hope he’s right.

Kyle encourages Luann to speak with Erika, so Lu tries again. Erika cuts her off and says Luann kicked her when she was down, and if Erika was rude, it’s because she was going through something.

And then they totally make up.

That’s it. Nothing happens.

This could have been a good showdown between the divas, but no such luck. We were promised drama, and instead we got a heartfelt resolution. I feel robbed.

Vicki also has issues with Luann, so maybe something will come of that. Gizelle and Porsha gossip about the fact that the SLC women clearly cannot stand each other, and Gizelle plans to ask Heather Gay about it when they see her in Atlanta. Gizelle is on the case.

Vicki thinks Luann has been poking at her, so she pulls her aside. Sorry, I just skipped over a bunch more flashbacks. It’s late and this dinosaur is pooped.

So anyhow, Vicki and Luann sit down, and Vicki says she feels bad that everyone gave her a hard time about working in the car on the drive to Beverly Hills. She says she has huge responsibilities and pressure, and Vicki says she feels like Luann doesn’t like her.

She did, after all, call her Porky Pig, which is worse than Miss Piggy.

It totally is. I saw that was going to be trouble when Luann said it, and here we are.

Luann tells Vicki that people find her irritable and don’t want to hear her unsolicited financial advice. Vicki agrees, as long as Luann stops singing.

The Beverly Hills women rehash their lives on the show throughout the years, and we get, surprise! Some flashback packages.

Camille gives a speech for Kyle, and it’s just not interesting. She basically just kisses Kyle’s ass for a few minutes.

This whole cast is kissing her ass, and this show is boring.

And now we’ve said it.