RHOBH, Season 9, Episode 4–Bahama Drama

In the Bahamas, Dorit revisits the Lucy drama. Lucy Lucy Apple Juice was a dog Dorit adopted from Vanderpump Dogs. After Lucy started biting her children and PK, Dorit decided the dog wasn’t a good fit for her family and rehomed her instead of returning her to Vanderpump Dogs, which was against the rescue’s policy. The new owner eventually surrendered Lucy to a shelter, where Vanderpump Dogs was contacted because Lucy was microchipped. Lucy is now fine and has a new home, but the whole situation has become the root of Puppy Gate, and Dorit is getting major backlash now that the story is public.

LVP denies being the one who leaked the story, but everyone thinks it came from someone in her camp. Teddi is feeling manipulated into going against Dorit in the whole situation, which is a pretty convenient position to be in considering she willingly participated in bringing the dog drama back up. Me thinks Little Miss Accountability should take some right about now.

LVP feels like everyone is against her and believes they have already decided she was behind the leak, whether she actually did it or not.

Dorit calls Denise to go snorkeling, while Erika wants to golf and LVP and Kyle plan to shop. Camille, Denise, Rinna, and Dorit decide to exercise together, because nothing says vacation workout like an exercise bike and a daiquiri.

Fun fact: I write these recaps while I’m on the exercise bike, so I feel personally attacked by this scene. I’ve also lost seven pounds since Jurassic Snark went live. This dinosaur is shrinking. Thanks, guys!

Teddi and Erika go golfing, and although the two haven’t exactly been besties, they actually seem to enjoy themselves. Miracles do happen.

Meanwhile, Rinna, Dorit, Camille, and Denise hit the boat for some snorkeling. Dorit says she feels like she’s been run over by a truck, which seems appropriate considering how much drama she’s carrying around.

Denise asks whether Dorit ever told LVP about the problems she was having with Lucy. Unfortunately, Dorit didn’t say anything until after the dog had already been given away, never giving Vanderpump Dogs the chance to step in and handle the situation. And that little detail is pretty important, considering the entire Puppy Gate mess could have been avoided if Dorit had simply gone back to the rescue in the first place.

Camille thinks Dorit should have told LVP about Lucy, and I agree. That was Vanderpump Dogs’ policy, but it was also the most logical thing for Dorit to do. If the dog wasn’t working out, why not give the rescue that placed her with you a chance to handle it?

Meanwhile, LVP and Kyle hit the shops. Kyle is considering buying a Rolex after all of her jewelry was stolen during the recent burglary at her house, while LVP is clearly not in much of a shopping mood. She didn’t sleep at all the night before, and Kyle agrees that it was not exactly a fun night. LVP just wants the whole situation to be over and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, which is going to be a problem considering these women have absolutely no intention of letting it go.

Erika and Teddi also discuss Puppy Gate and both feel like LVP is being deceitful. They think this was a well-orchestrated plan to punish Dorit, with Teddi getting pulled into the middle of it by employees at Vanderpump Dogs who brought her the information about Lucy.

Teddi believes Lisa is behind the whole thing and says she doesn’t want to be used as a pawn. Which is a little ironic, considering she kind of already has been. She willingly took the information, ran with it, and is now realizing she may have been part of someone else’s plan. Girl, the pawn has already been moved. Erika encourages Teddi to confront LVP.

Back at the hotel, LVP and Kyle settle into a private cabana, where they meet some adorable baby flamingos. Finally, a storyline we can all get behind.

They eventually rehash the dinner fight from the night before, when it felt like the entire group had turned against LVP. Kyle tells her that Teddi feels like she was set up by LVP. LVP says her employees were wrong to bring the Lucy situation up with Teddi in the first place and claims she has reprimanded them.

The problem is, none of the other women believe that was a rogue employee situation. They think LVP told the staff to spill the beans in the first place, allowing her to punish Dorit while keeping her own hands clean. And now we have entered the part of Puppy Gate where everybody has a completely different version of what happened.

All of the women get ready to meet for dinner, and I’m imagining some shit will go down there. Before that happens, LVP asks to speak to Teddi alone, so Teddi heads to her room.

Teddi asks if LVP called her up there to apologize, but LVP wants an explanation. Teddi says she was repeatedly told that LVP wanted the puppy story out there, and she says she has proof. LVP insists that isn’t true, so Teddi pulls out her phone and shows her the text messages that she says back up her story.

At this point, we have officially entered the “whose receipts are more receipty?” portion of Puppy Gate.

Teddi storms off and goes straight to Dorit, telling her that she believes Dorit did nothing wrong. She also makes it clear that she is done being LVP’s pawn. Which is a pretty bold declaration from someone who has spent the entire episode explaining how she got pulled into this mess in the first place.

Teddi then finds Kyle and is still absolutely furious with LVP. Meanwhile, LVP goes to Dorit to give her side of the story. At this point, both sides are busy making their case and gathering allies before they sit down to dinner.

At dinner, Teddi is shooting daggers at LVP, and Erika immediately picks up on the tension. Throughout the conversation, LVP and Teddi keep making eyes at each other, and not in a sexy way. LVP feels about as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool.

Meanwhile, Kyle’s Rolex arrives and is delivered right to the table. Now that is service. Honestly, I wish this episode had more luxury and less stupid fighting.

The women toast Dorit for planning the trip, and Camille says she hopes Dorit and LVP can work everything out. Teddi admits she is upset and still doesn’t feel good about everything that has happened with LVP.

Dorit tells Teddi that she believes everything Teddi has said, and LVP immediately bristles at what she sees as Dorit’s lack of loyalty.

LVP decides to leave the table, as no one is speaking to her anyway. She has a 4 am flight and is, frankly, over it.

Kyle goes after LVP at the table, while Big Mouth Rinna tries to stir the pot even more. Rinna says she has been manipulated by LVP in the past, too. These women are acting like LVP is some sort of Svengali who has them all dancing around to her every command. I don’t get it, but whatever.

Denise admits she doesn’t understand the whole thing, which honestly makes two of us. Teddi insists she has proof of what LVP has done and, once again, whips out her text messages. At this point, Teddi’s phone deserves its own seat at the dinner table.

Kyle comes back to the table, and Rinna tells her she needs to admit that LVP lies and manipulates people. Kyle wants absolutely no part of it. She says she accepts Lisa Vanderpump for who she is, and she isn’t interested in joining the group pile-on.

Denise’s spidey sense tells her to stay the hell out of the whole thing and, more importantly, to never cross LVP. Honestly, smart woman.

Back in her room, LVP tries to call Ken, but no one can hear her over all the barking at her house. Her housekeeper eventually hangs up on her, which is honestly one of the funniest moments of the episode. Even the household staff has apparently had enough.

We see LVP and Kyle head out for their flight at 4:30 a.m. Kyle is exhausted and hungover, while LVP is still pissed off about everything that happened. Kyle is in absolutely no shape to hear another word about Puppy Gate, and at this point, I feel exactly the same way.

The other women wake up and head to Dorit’s room for breakfast. Everyone is all dressed up except Denise, who apparently didn’t get the memo. They all agree they partied a little too late the night before, but had a great time at the hotel club. Still, they woke up feeling pretty sad about how dinner went. Dorit is still trying to process everything.

They pack up and head back to Beverly Hills, where LVP is peacefully ensconced at Villa Rosa, playing with her ponies. She tells Ken how let down she feels by the other women, and she breaks down crying. We can immediately see that Ken does NOT like seeing his wife upset.

And then Ken reveals that he has receipts of his own. He has printed out all of the texts between his employees and Teddi, and according to him, they show that Teddi actually set up the whole Puppy Gate reveal.

I will never understand why these women put so much incriminating shit in writing. Say it, forget it. Text it, regret it, bitches.

And that brings us to the big question: Who the hell is actually responsible for Puppy Gate? Was LVP pulling the strings from behind the scenes, did her employees go rogue, or did Teddi walk willingly into a setup and then decide she was the victim?

So, what do we think about this fossil? Who is responsible for Puppy Gate?