We start at Villa Blanca, where Lisa is meeting with Kevin Lee to plan Ken and Mauricio’s joint birthday party. Kyle arrives, and the two of them start debating what they want the party to look like, because apparently even a birthday party needs a full production meeting.
They also go over the guest list. Yolanda’s stepdaughter’s wedding is the same night, so Yolanda won’t be attending. Interestingly, Lisa isn’t invited to that wedding, which feels like a fairly significant detail considering she and Yolanda are supposedly friends.
They agree to invite Carlton, and Kyle says they’ve made peace. Sure.
Meanwhile, Brandi is doing a cover shoot for her second book. I actually read it, and I didn’t like it nearly as much as the first one. Brandi was one of my favorites for a long time, but eventually her whole schtick started to get old for me. I know I’m probably in the minority here, but eventually I just got tired of it.
Carlton meets Joyce for lunch, and Joyce tells her that she believes Carlton put a curse on her husband. Because apparently we have now reached the point in Beverly Hills where lunch comes with accusations of witchcraft.
Here’s the thing: I can’t stand Carlton, but even I think this is a horrible storyline. Whatever you think about someone’s religion or spiritual beliefs, going after them because of those beliefs feels gross to me. It’s not for me, but neither is Joyce.
And speaking of Joyce, I once saw her at PUMP with Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa was friendly and sweet, while Joyce mostly just flipped her hair around. I do miss PUMP, though. It was beautiful.
Kim and her daughter, Kimberly, get matching tattoos. And I know this is probably terrible of me to say, but Kim just isn’t that interesting when she isn’t causing trouble. I want to root for her, but the quieter, happier Kim doesn’t exactly make for riveting television. Give me Kim wandering into a disaster over Kim getting a tattoo any day.
Yolanda is helping Gigi Hadid pack up for college, which we now know she doesn’t end up finishing. I mean, she doesn’t really need to. She’s a supermodel and has Bradley Cooper. That should be enough for any girl.
The two of them are apparently frequently hanging out in a town down the street from me, and oh, how I long to randomly run into Bradley. I would like to think I would handle it with dignity, but honestly, I make no promises.
Back at Villa Blanca, Kevin Lee is helping Lisa get everything ready for the birthday party. Her puppy, Rumpy, is adorable, but is also wreaking absolute havoc.
They go over the seating arrangements, and Lisa proceeds to blow right past pretty much all of Kyle’s suggestions, with Kevin happily backing her up. Kyle can offer her opinions, but Lisa and Kevin have clearly already decided that Kyle’s opinions are more of a decorative feature than something they actually need to consider.
The setup for the party looks incredible. We know this means trouble. The prettier the table, the worse the fight, right? That’s a Housewives tradition.
The Vanderpump Rules girls are there, as well as some of the bartenders. Season 4 was still big on promoting the show, so we get a lot of these crossovers.
Carlton arrives and announces that she is allergic to drama. I have a feeling she came to the wrong place. Better grab some Zyrtec.
Carlton goes on to tell us that she had a dream that Kyle was talking shit about her, and then one of her friends supposedly overheard Kyle doing just that at Carlton’s party a couple of weeks ago. Carlton plans to keep her distance.
At Kyle’s husband’s party? That sounds like a solid plan.
Scheana, the SUR server who slept with Brandi’s husband, is there, showing off her new engagement ring. Lisa asks Brandi if she will talk to Scheana about getting married, and it is one of the most absurd and awful things I have ever seen. Like, what the fuck? This is clearly Lisa trying to set up a scene to promote her spinoff, and I don’t blame Brandi for being pissed.
As usual, Kim can’t make it, but the party goes on, complete with some really weird water dancers wandering around. They don’t even get in the water, and they aren’t very good, so whatever.
The guests finally sit down for dinner, and everything seems copacetic. Ken gives a little speech, followed by Lisa and Kyle. It’s filler. Let’s get to the fight.
Brandi is shocked that Kyle and Lisa are friends again, and the whole thing rings false to her.
A guitar player comes out and sings a song he wrote for Mauricio and Ken. It’s terrible. I can’t help but wonder how much that cost.
Scheana continues flaunting her engagement ring in Brandi’s face, and Brandi handles it really gracefully, in my opinion. I would have made her swallow it. She is probably good at that.
At the table, Carlton is shooting Kyle glares while Kyle jokes about “Jewish” dances. Um. Anyhow.
Jason and Pandora present Ken with a portrait of Giggy, and Kyle starts joking about Lisa’s nipples. Kyle then demands that Lisa explain the joke to Carlton, who took offense at it earlier. She repeatedly refers to Carlton as “her,” which I agree is rude.
Kyle thinks Carlton is just looking for trouble, but says they have worked through their issues. Carlton says they absolutely have not and brings up what Kyle said at Carlton’s party. Evidently, Kyle called Carlton’s bathroom “gross.”
I mean, people were practically banging in the pool at that party, so maybe it was? I dunno. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but Witchy Poo is fired up.
Kyle says that this is her husband’s birthday party and she doesn’t want conflict, and Carlton says she doesn’t care. Kyle says she has been nothing but fucking nice. Carlton calls her passive-aggressive.
I kind of can’t believe Mauricio just sits there. I understand not wanting to get involved, but my husband would have kicked this witch out by now. He wouldn’t let Carlton speak to me like this.
The conversation goes back to Lisa’s nipple, and while Kyle asks Carlton to be quiet so she can explain, Carlton bellows, “Don’t you dare command me.”
It’s very witchy, and not in a fun Practical Magic kind of way.
There is a lot more nipple talk. They start talking about the necklace Kyle gave Carlton, and Carlton says she is cleansing it of Kyle’s energy. At this point, I’m wondering why Carlton even came to this party. Oh, yeah. The paycheck.
Oh, no. Carlton is also mad that Kyle thought her Wiccan tattoo was a Jewish star. Kyle tells Carlton that if she doesn’t want to be judged for being Wiccan, she should stop acting like a witch.
Mauricio is still just sitting there. I think he is stoned.
Uh-oh. Here we go. Kyle calls Carlton antisemitic. This shit is serious. If Kyle really thinks this, how could she have invited Carlton to her party in the first place? I don’t like Carlton one bit, but this is a very serious charge, and it feels like the fight has suddenly gone from Housewives nonsense to something much more serious.
The two finally move away from each other. Carlton’s husband, David, wants to leave, and Kyle tries to get the last word, but Carlton and David leave the party. Lisa goes after them, and Carlton is furious.
She wants to go home and make a little Kyle doll for her altar, if she doesn’t have one already.
So, what do we think? Who won this Jurassic battle: Kyle or Carlton?
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