RHONJ, Season 2, Reunion Part 1–Teresa Pushes Andy

It’s a dreary Wednesday morning, I have the day off, and I have spent the last several days doing lists and recaps by request.

So today, I am headed to Jersey.

Not for a peaceful stroll through the Garden State. Not for a nice cup of coffee. I am going back to the good old days, when Housewives reunions involved screaming, cursing, family feuds, and the occasional act of violence against the host.

Today, we are revisiting the reunion where Teresa Giudice shoves Andy Cohen.

Because sometimes a dinosaur needs a little Jersey chaos.

Let’s go.

This is my first time recapping a reunion, but a lot of you have asked for this one, and I am game.

The women haven’t all been together in over a year, so Andy greets everyone and asks if they’re ready for the day.

Caroline announces that she has lost 25 pounds through portion control, otherwise known as the lap band.

They discuss The Jersey Shore and whether it is an accurate representation of New Jersey.

Teresa says it is not, because the people on the show sleep with each other and with people they barely know.

Like Danielle.

And boom. We have shots fired in Jersey.

Danielle stays remarkably calm and simply calls Teresa insane. Teresa responds by calling Danielle a desperate pig, because we have decided to skip the pleasantries and get right to the point.

Andy tries to reel them in before this turns into an archaeological excavation of every grievance these women have ever had with each other.

Instead, he moves on to the subject of “Jersey” language, and we get scenes of the women struggling with their native English.

Teresa says she has her own language, so there.

The conversation turns to the children and how much they enjoy being recognized. We get a montage of Teresa’s and Jacqueline’s babies.

Andy asks Danielle a viewer question about why she didn’t call Jacqueline after Nicholas was born. Danielle says she did congratulate her.

They move on to Dina’s departure from the show. Caroline says Dina is still a big part of their lives, while Teresa says Dina left because of Danielle.

Andy brings up the old beef between Danielle and Dina and the mysterious thing Danielle supposedly did to Dina.

Viewers want to know what happened.

The rumor is that Danielle tried to have Dina’s daughter taken away from her.

Um, I would like details, please.

Jacqueline reveals that they really shouldn’t even be discussing this, because Danielle put a “silencer” on Dina.

Danielle agrees that her lawyers did that.

And now Caroline decides she is the boss of the reunion and tries to shut Danielle up.

Everyone starts talking over everyone else, and Caroline slips right back into her role as the marble-mouthed, bossy den mother of New Jersey.

Nobody can get a complete sentence out.

This is going well.

Jacqueline calls Danielle a piece of garbage, and Andy tries to get everyone back to the baby package.

Teresa is having none of it.

She starts talking over Andy about what a disgrace Danielle is for not congratulating Jacqueline when Nicholas was born. Danielle smugly asks Teresa if she acknowledged her own nephew.

It takes Teresa a moment to process the question.

Then she goes absolutely nuts.

She is out of her chair and shrieking in Danielle’s face:

“DO NOT BRING UP MY FAMILY!”

The viewers really have no idea what Danielle is referring to at this point, but it is very clear that she has hit a nerve.

Andy tries to hold Teresa back and BAM! She shoves him, and he goes flying back into his chair.

We are less than twelve minutes into this reunion, and Teresa just sent her boss reeling across the stage and knocked him on his ass.

Any of you remember seeing this live for the first time?

It was, and still is, unbelievable.

Danielle walks off the stage, and Teresa starts hurling pillows and insults after her. Andy is still trying to contain her, and I swear his voice wavers a little with fear.

He has clearly lost control of these women, and he is frightened.

This isn’t Beverly Hills, after all.

Caroline tries to calm Teresa down by repeatedly grabbing her face, which would have sent me over the edge.

Teresa is still absolutely furious.

And none of us viewers even know why!

We have somehow reached full-blown Jersey warfare over something that happened off-camera, and Teresa is ready to burn the entire reunion to the ground while the rest of us sit here trying to figure out what the hell she is talking about.

We come back from commercial and everyone is still trying to calm Teresa down.

Danielle’s glam team rallies around her, comforting her while Teresa wants to know who the hell Danielle is talking to about her family.

Oh, I think it’s a little birdie named “Missy G.”

Danielle says she will only come back to the stage if they keep Teresa in her seat, and Andy promises he can do that.

Oh, yeah right!

Teresa just tossed him like a rag doll.

Teresa is now screaming for “the chicken shit” to come back.

We’re not even fifteen minutes in.

Andy tries to lay down the law and tells Teresa to stay on the couch.

She promises.

Caroline tells Teresa to be smart, and Andy points out that she is REALLY strong. He basically pleads with Teresa to behave herself for the rest of the reunion.

Danielle returns, and they go back to talking about the babies.

Danielle points out that she introduced Jacqueline to her fertility doctor and seems to think she deserves a pat on the back for it.

They argue about this for a while.

Caroline takes over as the moderator, and I hate her.

Somehow, 70% of viewers say they would want Caroline as their mother, while only 3% would choose Danielle.

Have these people actually seen the way Caroline treats her daughter?

She is dreadful.

They move on to clips of the Manzos, Lauritas, and Giudices on their trip to Italy.

Then we get into Teresa’s cookbook and the extravagant gifts Joe has been giving her.

From there, the conversation turns to Teresa’s financial troubles, and we get clips of her spending habits. We also see Joe discussing his recent DUI.

And this is where some of the first cracks in the Giudice fossil start to emerge.

The finances, the spending, and eventually the legal troubles are going to become a dominating force in the Jersey ecosphere, but for now, Teresa is still insisting everything is fine.

Andy asks if her house is in foreclosure.

Teresa says no.

So Andy moves on to the bankruptcy.

Teresa denies everything except filing and doesn’t seem particularly interested in giving anyone any more details.

Probably because she doesn’t know or understand what is actually going on.

Which, in retrospect, is going to become a pretty significant problem.

Andy brings up the auction of Teresa’s belongings, and Teresa says she doesn’t read any negative press.

Andy wonders if she is in denial.

He moves back to Joe’s DUI. Joe claims that he drank after his car accident, not before.

Danielle finds this hard to believe.

Andy also seems skeptical.

Teresa looks like she is having a very difficult time staying in her chair during this exchange.

Andy asks Danielle if she considers herself a troublemaker, and she admits that she can be.

We get scenes of Danielle stirring shit up throughout the season, which is probably enough evidence for the prosecution.

The conversation turns to her relationship with that busted-up brunette Marty McFly, Danny.

Danielle insists they are just friends.

The women say Danielle actually broke up his marriage.

Somehow, Danielle also has a song out and a girlfriend, so this boring mess gets a little attention too.

Danielle blames the editing for a lot of how she appears on the show. Caroline says this is crap.

Andy asks Caroline about Danielle saying she needs a makeover.

Caroline says she doesn’t care what Danielle thinks because she has a man who has loved her for twenty-six years.

She does not mention his girlfriend.

The conversation moves to Danielle’s two sex tapes.

She claims at least one was released without her knowledge, and she has a whole other lawsuit going on over it.

Her legal bills must be something else.

Hey, Danielle. My husband is an attorney in New Jersey. Call him. We could use the money.

Her other sex tape is up for sale, so there’s that.

Danielle denies releasing it or making any money from it. She also denies that the tape was made by a third party, but the other women think it was.

Jacqueline says it’s like bad-acting porn.

All of a sudden, Teresa and Danielle are screaming at each other again, and I am not entirely sure why.

I literally blinked and missed the beginning of this fight.

Teresa calls Danielle a skanky whore, and we continue with the sex tape discussion while these two scream at each other in the background.

Danielle insists that her kids don’t know anything about the show, which is ridiculous.

She says the kids were, however, offended by Caroline’s comment that they have no light in their eyes.

Caroline asks how they know she said that if they don’t watch the show.

And that’s actually a pretty good point.

Caroline goes on and on, speaking over Danielle and basically refusing to let her get a word in.

God, I hate Caroline.

She is an insufferable beast, and she reminds me of my ex-mother-in-law, whom I hated.

So maybe this is personal.

The conversation turns to Danielle making a scene at The Brownstone charity event.

Caroline once again rips into Danielle and won’t let her speak.

Danielle was wrong in this situation. I can admit that.

I still don’t like Caroline, though, and I still think she is a bully.

She does call Danny a “sweat hog reject,” which I thoroughly enjoy.

It is dead-on-balls accurate.

I want to thank the reader who slid into my DMs to suggest this recap. It was definitely worth revisiting. We have the very foundation of the Giudice/Gorga fights, as well as all the fallout from Danielle. And, no one could ever forget the time Teresa threw Andy at the reunion.