Shannon, David, and the kids go costume shopping for their ’70s-themed party. Shannon loves a costume. David’s wig is terrifying, but we’ll get to that.
Shannon teaches the kids about streakers, because apparently this is family education now. Then they ask David if he’s ever had wet dreams. Shannon and David think this is hilarious. I think it’s gross.
Tamra and Kelly meet to find their costumes. Kelly hates the ’70s and thinks she’s the only good thing to come out of the decade. Humble.
Kelly also thinks Shannon is a Debbie Downer. She knows other women have had problems with her and thinks Shannon is the common denominator. Tamra admits she’s had her own issues with Shannon.
Over at Heather’s house, her chef is preparing dinner for the family, and I am officially jealous. I want a chef. Actually, forget the chef. I want someone to do my laundry.
Megan comes over, and Heather gives her an IVF shot. I’m not entirely sure why Heather is the designated injection nurse, but okay.
They travel to D.C. so Megan can give a speech about colon cancer. Her stepdaughter’s mother died from it, and Megan wants to raise awareness. It’s a good cause, but Megan still manages to bore me.
Terry comes home from work early, only to announce that he has to travel on Mother’s Day. Heather is pissed and wants to feel like she comes first. Fair enough. Although she may need to decide what she wants more: to come first or that chef.
Megan looks uncomfortable. The kids look uncomfortable. Terry looks scared.
Honestly, the chef is the only one who seems to have this family figured out.
At Vicki’s, her grandsons are visiting, and she’s surprisingly good with them. No shrieking. No chaos. Briana has been sick, so Vicki takes care of the kids while she rests. After years of testing, I think they’ve finally figured out that Briana has lupus. I can’t stand Briana, but I also have lupus, so I feel her pain.
Vicki is planning to go to the ’70s party, even though she and Shannon have been on the outs.
Kelly takes her daughter, Jolie, to get their nails done. Kelly is really sweet with her. I don’t think they actually speak anymore, so it’s kind of sad watching these old scenes when Jolie was little.
Jolie thinks Kelly yells a lot. Kelly thinks she’s a fun mom. Kelly worries Jolie will grow up spoiled living in the OC, but she actually seems like a sweet kid.
Over at Megan’s, Jim is leaving again and seems pretty happy about it. Megan talks about her IVF, and he looks completely disinterested. Megan is clearly disappointed by his attitude, and I would be too. There’s supportive husband, and then there’s whatever the hell Jim is doing.
Shannon and David are finally on their way to the party, decked out in their psychedelic finest. David is pissed that Shannon invited Vicki. He can’t stand her. Shannon can’t stand Kelly. This should be fun.
Vicki is wearing a very short dress, and I hate to admit it, but she looks kinda good. She’s skinny since the Brooks breakup. There really is an upside to everything if you look hard enough.
Michael, Kelly, and Vicki pregame with shots before the party. If I were Kelly and Vicki, I think I’d keep my wits about me.
The venue is decked out in shag carpeting and disco balls, and Shannon is ready to have a dyno-mite time.
Everyone arrives in costume, and Heather is on roller skates. Hopefully, she lays off the champs, or she’s going to land on her ass.
Kelly recognizes a woman, Jackie, that she met at a hotel. Jackie points out that when she met Kelly, she wasn’t with Michael. Shots fired. Yeah, that’s not casual chit-chat.
Kelly explains that she and Michael were separated. It’s awkward, and honestly, a bitch move on Jackie’s part.
They play Quarters and do shots, and everyone—especially Kelly and Michael—is getting drunk.
Megan isn’t feeling well from her IVF shots. Megan is a fun sponge.
They dance a bit, and then it happens. Terry sends Heather FLYING, and she lands right on her fancy ass. She blames the champagne, but mostly Terry.
Tamra can’t drink because her fitness competition is coming up. She’s also a buzzkill. She says she has forgiven Vicki but can’t trust her. What else is new?
Kelly tells David that his wig makes him look like a pedophile. These people are great at party talk.
Heather tries to talk to Terry about spending more time with the family. It’s boring. We do this every season. The man likes to work and Heather likes to spend. Keep the system. It’s working.
Tamra says Vicki and Kelly are wasted. Shannon wants to know how Jackie knows Kelly, so they rehash the hotel meeting when Kelly was separated from Michael. It’s dumb gossip, but of course Kelly walks in on them while she and Vicki are looking for Vicki’s purse.
Jackie and another woman are incredibly rude to Kelly. Jackie says, “This isn’t going how I thought it would,” which is immediately suspicious. Tamra wonders what the hell she means.
Then the other woman says, “I don’t have to suck anyone’s dick to pay my bills,” clearly implying that Kelly does. It’s ugly and completely uncalled for.
Kelly wants to know what they’re saying about her, and Tamra tells her about the comment. Kelly heads over to confront Shannon and the women who are talking about her.
Kelly says she barely recognizes the women because they look like every other average-looking Newport Beach woman she’s ever met. Kelly calls Shannon Mrs. Roper, and Michael, drunk off his ass, comes over to confirm that she really does look like Mrs. Roper.
It’s true, but Michael is gross. And creepy. Mrs. Roper was a fine-looking woman. Lay off the lady.
Shannon tells Kelly to get out and that she’s drunk. Michael keeps interrupting to repeat the Mrs. Roper thing. He seriously creeps me out.
Meanwhile, Shannon and Vicki are screaming at each other. Kelly feels set up and attacked and calls Shannon dumb. Vicki says Shannon is in her glory with all the drama, and David overhears.
He goes HARD at Vicki, telling her to shut the fuck up and getting right in her face. It’s intense, and I’m sure Shannon has seen this side of David too many times in private.
Shannon does what Shannon does best and runs to David for backup. “David, these people are calling me dumb!”
David calls Vicki a fucking pig. He is an animal. He may be right, but he is still an animal.
Vicki calls David a cheater and a bad guy. Michael looks like he’s on something.
David tells Kelly to have another drink, and she fires back, “You know what? No wonder why you cheated on your wife!”
And bam. Kelly and Shannon are locked in a battle of “Who?!” and “It was you!” Kelly sounds like an owl, and everyone is stunned, watching in their ’70s garb as the whole night falls apart.
Shannon came to this party looking for a dyno-mite time, and it sure as hell has been explosive.
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