We pick up with Sonja still pestering Ramona about how miserable she is. The women are all wasted, but Sonja is on another level. Ramona just wants her to leave her alone. She admits she misses being married but denies being miserable. Sonja moves on and goes for another margarita.
Tinsley hasn’t really seen Sonja drunk before and is in shock. Sonja tells Ramona she should trade her ass for her face because her ass looks better than that mess of a face. LMAO.
Then Sonja starts looking for Luann because she wants to have sex with her, and holy shit, I haven’t been this drunk since I got my last tattoo.
Sonja says Luann is no fun now that she is married. I beg to differ. Please see the tumble in the bushes. Luann is fun and then some.
Sonja is all over the place and trying to make out with everyone. No one seems even remotely phased. This must be old hat.
Oh, and Bethenny is naked. Who asked for that? Ramona says her boobs are better. Tinsley says hers are cute and staying covered. Praise the Lordt.
Sonja starts chugging margaritas right out of the pitcher, and then she is naked, too. Dorinda doesn’t love it. She is not a naked person. Me either.
Ramona and a naked Bethenny are in the pool with their pool noodles having a heart-to-heart about their years of miserable friendship. Bethenny is messy and crying. Her diamond earrings are huge. So are her boobs.
Now Ramona is crying. She isn’t naked, though. She finally cops to being a miserable person and a bad friend.
Dorinda tries to dress Sonja and describes it like trying to get a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
LOL.
Bethenny is still so naked and still so messy. Someone needs to tell her to GO TO SLEEP.
Ramona crying is super annoying. They have naked, wet hugs, and I wonder when these women will finally call it a night. It’s really been a day.
Oh, shit. They haven’t even had dinner yet!
This is gonna be something to see.
Bethenny realizes she is naked and wraps herself in a towel. Sonja is wearing her bathing suit and rolling around in drunken bliss. Bethenny kisses her. Sonja wants sex.
Everyone should really be sleeping. This is a lot.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again, and she is pissed. She wants to be sleeping. She starts storming through the halls and yelling for everyone to move faster.
A drunk, tired Dorinda does not like this. She tells Bethenny to stop being so crazed. They are on vacation time! Bethenny is cranky and would much rather be napping. Like I said, everyone should be.
Dorinda says Bethenny scared her by yelling down the hallway. Bethenny, who is a big grumpy pants like me after a day of drinking, says that’s all an act, and Dorinda takes offense. Her arms start flying, and she tells Bethenny to stop.
Bethenny and Tinsley mock her wild gestures. Dorinda is so drunk and so mad.
Oh, my God. There is blood.
Dorinda grabs a knife and plunges it into the table, cutting her hand in the process. It is SO time for bed, but instead we have a calm Bethenny helping Dorinda clean her wounds.
Drunk Dorinda plays therapist and tells Bethenny she needs to relax and stop being so perfect all the time. Bethenny wants no part of it.
The women are trickling into dinner, and Dorinda is still going on about how Bethenny tries to be superhuman. Thank you, Dr. Tequila.
Dorinda is so drunk, and Bethenny can’t handle her grand proclamations. Sonja is passed out and doesn’t make it to dinner at all. I can’t day drink either. Not anymore.
I just noticed Luann is missing, too. Is she in a bush somewhere? Oh, God, I hope so.
They go to watch fireworks, and Dorinda is still going on with her Dr. Tequila act. She says Bethenny just thinks she is special because of Skinnygirl, and Bethenny immediately thinks that Dorinda resents her success.
They storm away from each other.
Advice: go immediately to bed after drinking all day. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Just GO TO SLEEP.
It is finally the next morning, and everyone is up and ready for yoga. These women are true Olympians.
Luann wants to be filled in on dinner, so Ramona gives her the rundown. Dorinda comes into the kitchen looking a little worse for wear and pretty uncomfortable. Clearly, she remembers her fight with Bethenny, but says they are great.
Bethenny doesn’t seem to agree. She thinks Dorinda is backpedaling on all the nasty things she said. Dorinda feels rebuffed by Bethenny.
Bethenny calls her dramatic for the bit with the knife, and they start arguing about who is a better friend. Bethenny says Dorinda has a nasty side, and boy, does she.
Dorinda goes to her room, and Carole goes in to comfort her. Dorinda feels terrible about the fight with Bethenny but doesn’t know what to say. She certainly didn’t get off to a great start with Bethenny in the kitchen, and now she’s regretting how aggressive she can be. Dorinda breaks down crying as she admits she wishes she could handle things differently.
Meanwhile, Bethenny is also upset and tries to clear her head at yoga. Sonja, naturally, has her own way of dealing with the stress. She FaceTimes her fake French boyfriend and gives him a little glimpse of her ass.
At breakfast, the women admit they’re completely exhausted after everything that’s happened. Dorinda decides it’s time to talk to Bethenny and pulls her aside. She gives her a sincere apology for the way she acted, and Bethenny accepts it. She explains that she’s particularly sensitive when she feels like people resent her success, which helps explain why the argument hit such a nerve.
After breakfast, Carole, Tinsley, and Ramona head out for a day of fishing, while the rest of the women stay behind for manicures and massages. They definitely got the better end of that deal.
Out on the boat, Ramona immediately starts flirting with the captain, sticking her tits out and shamelessly trying to get his attention. Ramona is gross.
Back at the house, Sonja and Bethenny gossip about Tinsley’s relationship. Tinsley reveals that she’s already planning another trip to see her boyfriend, and Sonja starts worrying that the relationship is moving way too quickly.
Tinsley, however, isn’t worried at all. She’s ready to get married, and she seems completely convinced that this relationship is headed straight for the altar.
Tinsley reveals that she’s planning a party to thank Sonja for letting her stay with her. I’ve let people stay with me before. Never got a party out of it. Just saying.
Meanwhile, the fishing trip is a complete bust. None of them catch a single fish, so they decide to buy one, pretend they caught it, and bring it back to the house for dinner. The women return with their fake catch, and nobody seems to care all that much. They spend a little time at the pool before getting ready for their final night in Mexico.
At dinner, the women play a game of “Rose and Thorn,” where everyone has to name the best and worst part of the trip. Luann completely fucks it up by announcing that her husband, Tom, is her rose. Everyone gags. Please, don’t make it about Tom.
A tipsy Tinsley tells Bethenny how baller the helicopters were during their tour, but she can’t stop saying “fuck.” The Countess eventually has enough and tells Tinsley to stop cursing in the restaurant and, specifically, to stop saying “fuck” so much.
Tinsley then points out that Luann is always talking about Palm Beach when Tom is actually from West Palm Beach. Trust me, in their circles, this is an important distinction. It matters.
Luann fires back that Tinsley has to stay with her mother in Palm Beach and doesn’t even have a home of her own. And, well, she’s not wrong. But Luann is still being completely insufferable about it.
Boy, I just did five recaps today. All Jersey and New York. I want to eat a strip steak and flip a table. Or have some tequila. Either way, I feel like I have a hangover.
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