Tinsley has planned a trip to Cartagena, and we start with the women packing. They’re all looking forward to a good time, which is adorable considering this is the Real Housewives of New York.
Carole is packing some bizarre Beyoncé-wannabe outfit. I don’t know what the hell she’s planning to do in Colombia, but apparently she’s bringing choreography.
Ramona has injured her ankle and is hobbling around the streets of New York. It’s something to see. This woman has never met a minor inconvenience she couldn’t turn into a full-scale medical production.
Bethenny is moving apartments right after Cartagena, so naturally she reminds us that she is a very busy bee while her assistants pack for her. Because apparently even packing your own suitcase is beneath the workload of Bethenny Frankel.
They arrive in Colombia, and the streets of Cartagena look absolutely amazing. Beautiful architecture, colorful buildings, gorgeous scenery—and then there’s Ramona.
They can’t get Ramona’s crippled ass out of the airport and into the van. It turns into a full-on extraction mission. Ramona is the worst.
Bethenny brings up the red-scarf guy from the speed-dating event. He has been pursuing her relentlessly through text. Ramona also tried to make moves on him, and apparently Carole may be interested too.
Uh oh.
Here we go.
It’s Tom all over again.
Please don’t let it be about Tom.
Tinsley is concerned that the trip might not be luxurious enough for the other women. She’s been to Colombia before, but it’s everyone else’s first time, so she feels personally responsible for their level of comfort.
To me, the house looks great. It has huge open courtyards, tons of sunshine, and a beautiful pool. I could dig it.
They start out with some drinks and a tour, and there is even an elevator. Because nothing says luxury vacation quite like not having to walk upstairs.
Tinsley assigns the women’s rooms by leaving Tiffany necklaces with each woman’s initial in a random room. Whichever necklace they find determines their room.
It’s a super cute idea—and a really nice gift. Tinsley actually put some thought into this trip, which I appreciate.
The rooms all look great, and Bethenny—who hates when Sonja and Ramona bitch about the rooms—immediately starts bitching to Dorinda that she wants a fancy hotel and is unhappy.
Oh, the hypocrisy. It’s delicious.
Ramona barges into the kitchen and sees the fish soup. She hears the chefs say it’s fish soup. Remember that. More on that later.
Ramona has the staff unpacking her luggage while she goes to lunch. She is a nightmare.
Lunch looks great, including the fish soup. Bethenny takes some, and Ramona says, “Let me know how it tastes.”
Oops.
She forgot Bethenny is allergic to fish.
Bethenny starts coughing and says her throat itches. Sonja tells her to have a glass of wine
Bethenny goes off to throw up and take a Benadryl.
The other women keep eating.
Absolutely no one checks on her.
We hear Bethenny retching and then see her curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor.
Alone.
And somehow, this is only the beginning of the trip.
A little later, Bethenny comes downstairs to show off her hives and swollen lips. Ramona thinks Bethenny should have communicated her allergy better.
Well, then.
They all get dressed for dinner, and Tinsley has a Scott-sponsored glam team with her.
For fuck’s sake. Ramona has ordered a wheelchair to hit the town in. I can’t with her.
Carole is wearing the weird Beyoncé costume, and Bethenny is feeling better.
Then Ramona gets stuck in the elevator.
I love it.
She’s kicking and yelling for help, but no one can hear her because the other women are downstairs talking about their ugly boobs instead.
Priorities.
Tinsley starts talking about her body image issues, and meanwhile Ramona is trapped upstairs fighting for her life in an elevator.
Eventually, Ramona gets out.
That’s a bummer.
Luann comes down in a Sofia Vergara wig.
She looks great. Luann loves a costume.
Next, Carole pushes Ramona’s wheelchair-ridden ass through the cobblestone streets of Cartagena.
Bethenny and Luann discuss Luann’s arrest, charges, and sobriety. She has a felony charge pending from her arrest in Palm Beach, but says there’s basically no chance she’s actually going to jail.
Her confidence is unshakable, as always.
The conversation turns to the speed-dating event from a couple of weeks earlier. Bethenny says the men were a motley crew.
Carole is into Red Scarf Guy. We finally get his name: Brian.
Bethenny thinks Carole is being strange about the whole thing.
Ramona insists she has no interest in him.
Sure, Ramona.
Bethenny says Brian is running game and insists she is not friends with him.
Carole says Brian tells her they are friends, and she believes Brian.
Bethenny says Brian is Tom 2.0.
Well, there it is.
Bethenny thinks Carole is acting smug, like she won some kind of prize, when really she needs to realize she got him by default.
I can’t stand Carole, so I’m going to admit right now that I may not be completely impartial in this argument.
Carole says it’s not that deep.
Maybe not to her, but these two women are clearly no longer friends.
And considering what’s coming later in this trip, this little argument feels like the beginning of the end.
Sonja agrees that Brian seems like a player.
Luann reminds everyone that they’re in Colombia and need to get their mojo back.
Meanwhile, Ramona puts her fish directly in front of Bethenny.
Is she trying to kill her on this trip?
Bethenny pulls Dorinda aside to bitch about the house and the trip. She says Tinsley could have gotten a better house.
She is being a pouty baby and announces that she’s going back to the house.
Meanwhile, Ramona is stopping traffic in her wheelchair.
Dorinda goes to Tinsley and says, “Here’s the thing. Bethenny hates the house.”
Tinsley is offended. And honestly, I would be too. She planned the whole trip, and Bethenny has spent the day complaining about everything from the house to the fish soup.
If Bethenny doesn’t like it, she should leave.
Carole says it’s a control thing with Bethenny. When Bethenny isn’t happy, she makes sure no one else can be either.
Bethenny starts screaming.
I thought she was going back to the house?
Now she agrees to go see the town.
These New York women are fast.
Ramona drops her wheelchair on the way into the bar because she doesn’t want to be wheeled inside. She wants to walk in sexy.
Bethenny and the other women meet up at the bar, and Tinsley confronts Bethenny about hating the trip.
Bethenny immediately calls Dorinda out for having a big mouth and repeating it to Tinsley.
Bethenny starts crying.
She is really whiny on this trip, and I have to wonder if it’s the Benadryl. For real. That stuff makes me nutty.
Bethenny says it’s the fracture in her friendship with Carole that’s really upsetting her. Sonja is the only one firmly on Bethenny’s side.
The next morning, they have a gorgeous breakfast prepared for them and plan to go shopping later.
Bethenny gets in the pool and apologizes to Tinsley if she offended her about the house. She says she didn’t intend for Tinsley to hear her complaints and blames a lot of other stressors for her reaction.
She cries a little more.
Bethenny feels like an outsider, especially now that she’s alienated from Carole, her former bestie and minion.
At breakfast, the women gossip about whether Tinsley is going to get engaged.
And just like that, a completely over-the-top floral arrangement arrives from Scott.
365 roses for their one-year anniversary.
Geezus.
How is she getting that home? It’s not fitting in a carry-on.
Oh shit. He also sent a Cartier bangle bracelet.
I want to come back as Tinsley in another life. I love presents.
Bethenny, looking gorgeous in a sundress, vents to Dorinda about her custody case, which never ends. Dorinda thinks that explains why Bethenny has been so emotional on the trip.
Dorinda denies that she’s been talking about Bethenny behind her back. Bethenny is super revved up, and Dorinda wants her to relax.
Bethenny cries.
WTF?
But why, though?
Now she’s sobbing in the kitchen and kicks Luann out when Luann comes to check on her. Dorinda stays with her, but she seems pretty over the theatrics.
Meanwhile, Luann just wants to go shopping.
And we leave it there.
Check back for Parts 2 & 3!
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