We pick up at Urgent Care, where the staff asks Shannon if she wants to press charges against Kelly for hitting her on the head with the mallet during the sound bath. Shannon says she doesn’t want the police called; she just wants Kelly to understand the severity of what she did. She gets a CT scan, because apparently we have reached the medical portion of our wellness retreat.
Back at Miraval, the other women are still without power, but they are powering through and managing to eat dinner. They are also visited by a crystal healer, which is particularly tragic because Shannon misses it. Shannon loves crystals! Of all the people who should be present for a crystal healer, she is probably number one.
Kelly, meanwhile, is still pissed that Shannon went to Urgent Care. Gina thinks Shannon may be a little overdramatic, but even she can acknowledge that Kelly was wrong for hitting her over the head. Duh.
Kelly fires back that she probably just knocked some sense into Shannon, and then turns around and bops Gina on the head. At least there is no mallet this time. Kelly is ecommitted to making physical contact with every woman on this trip.
Gina is pissed that Kelly put her hands on her and storms off. Everyone agrees that Kelly is going too far, but Kelly thinks they are all being ridiculous.
Gina and Kelly start yelling at each other about which of them is more out of control. Kelly mocks Gina for her DUI, because nothing says “wellness retreat” like weaponizing someone’s DUI during an argument. Then Kelly does a quick switch, starts laughing, and apologizes, insisting she was only joking.
Kelly thinks Shannon and Gina are uptight. I guess she knows a lot of people who enjoy being hit in the head, because these ladies are not fans of the experience.
Kelly wants to know if she really hit Shannon that hard, and Gina again points out that Kelly has a habit of going off on them. Kelly tells Gina she can’t take advice from her because Gina isn’t an accomplished woman. She immediately goes back to the DUI, because evidently that is her entire argument.
Of course, Kelly has also been to jail, so there is that.
Kelly is awful here, and Gina finally tells her she’s a fucking asshole. Gina is right.
Braunwyn says Gina is like their younger sister, and Gina has officially had enough. She is not Skipper. She is Barbie, damn it.
Gina announces that she is going home and won’t even talk to Emily. She is pissed at Emily because she feels like Emily pressured her to go to Vegas for her dance performance, and now she’s mad that Emily didn’t go. This friendship has somehow become its own separate crisis within the larger crisis.
Kelly looks around at all of this and declares that these girls are nuts.
LMAO. Oh, the irony.
Emily calls Gina out for not answering her calls, and suddenly they are both yelling and crying. I’m not sure this is quite the wellness retreat Shannon had in mind when she booked this place.
At 10:25 p.m., Shannon and Tamra finally leave Urgent Care, and Shannon has a splitting headache. I do, too.
They call Kelly to let her know what happened, and Kelly immediately starts yelling and cursing at them for going to see a doctor. She doesn’t ask if Shannon is okay. Instead, she tells her she’s full of shit, calls her an idiot, and asks whether the scan showed all the loose screws in her head. Yes, that is actually what she says.
Shannon starts crying and wonders how Kelly can be so cruel. Tamra says Vicki has been warning them about Kelly for years, and that this whole situation validates everything Vicki has been saying.
Tamra and Shannon get back to the resort and let Gina know that Shannon has a mild concussion. Gina tells them that Kelly hit her too and called her unaccomplished. She says she was so pissed that she almost went home. She is also shocked that the doctors nearly involved the police.
Shannon rehashes the whole day and says she is completely turned off by Kelly’s behavior and disrespect. Then Vicki calls, and they warn her that Kelly has been getting very physical this weekend, so she better watch out.
Vicki lets them know she’s on her way, and they immediately ask her to pick up takeout. Priorities.
Vicki arrives with burgers and is worried about Shannon’s head. Shannon, meanwhile, is drinking, which Kelly will later use as evidence in her ongoing prosecution of Shannon’s concussion. Vicki thinks it’s time to up Kelly’s medication.
The next morning, the women wake up in their villas, and somehow Shannon and Vicki managed to stay up drinking and laughing until after four in the morning. So much for that mild concussion.
Tamra calls Kelly and asks why she is so angry. Shannon gets on the phone and asks Kelly to come to their villa so they can talk. Kelly agrees, but only if Vicki stays away from her. She is willing to attempt diplomacy, but there are limits.
Kelly comes over, and Shannon asks if they can have a civil conversation. She says she was really looking forward to this trip, and Kelly’s behavior is disrespecting the entire experience
Kelly is completely without remorse. She won’t even let Gina speak when she tries to chime in. This is so far from zen that I think the crystals have officially left the building.
Kelly denies that Shannon has a concussion and points out that she was drinking all night. She thinks Shannon is being manipulative, and the conversation quickly goes off the rails. Kelly jumps out of her chair screaming, and Tamra has to hold her back.
Kelly finally reveals that she is mainly pissed because Vicki is on the trip. She says Vicki ruined her life with the cocaine rumors.
Kelly finally apologizes. She isn’t really sure that Shannon likes her, and she still doesn’t trust her, but she does say she is sorry. Kelly admits that she has issues, and I laugh. Understatement of the year.
Meanwhile, Gina and Emily continue yelling and crying at each other. It is exhausting. Gina says that Tamra and Shannon have been more supportive of her lately than Emily has, which obviously goes over very well.
Emily is pissed and calls Gina out for drinking with Shannon despite everything going on with her DUI. Gina fires back by bringing up Emily’s burlesque dance in Vegas for her father-in-law, and before long they are telling each other to fuck off.
Nothing says Miraval wellness retreat quite like two women screaming “fuck you” at each other while another woman is recovering from a concussion
Kelly goes to talk to Gina, who feels like Kelly never really listens to her. Gina starts crying and says she has a lot going on and needs Kelly as a friend. Kelly feels bad and comforts her, even offering Gina a Xanax like a good friend.
Kelly then tries to make peace between Gina and Emily, but Emily is still upset. She wants snacks and a map, but apparently those things will have to wait because it is time for aerial yoga.
Gina and Braunwyn go on a meditative walk that looks like it would bore me to death, but seems to move both of them deeply. Meanwhile, over at aerial yoga, Shannon, Emily, Kelly, Tamra and Vicki are hanging from the ceiling like bats.
Vicki and Kelly finally come face to face, and it is immediately tense. No surprise there.
Tamra asks Emily why she, Shannon, and Vicki weren’t invited to Vegas. Emily says she didn’t think they would be supportive or kind, which is a pretty diplomatic way of saying she didn’t want them there.
Kelly takes up for Emily and reveals that Tamra called Emily “Shrek.” Oh, my. That is accurate, but unkind.
Tamra says she has had a hard time getting close to Emily because Emily is so closed off. Emily says she would like to be closer to the other women and agrees that she needs to be less defensive.
Vicki says none of them actually mean to hurt each other, which is a lovely sentiment considering the day’s events. Kelly immediately calls her out for asking people for dirt on her.
Kelly calls Vicki a liar and whack job, some of the nicer things she has said about her, and storms off. Stay tuned for Part 3!
Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives 
Leave a comment