We’re back in Rhode Island, where the state motto should apparently be “I heard something about your husband.” Last week we had a beach picnic meltdown. This week we’re moving on to alleged mistresses, alleged swingers, alleged affairs, and a winery trip that could use a little less wine and a lot more fact-checking.
We open at Liz and Gerry McGraw’s house, where Gerry’s daughter Brianna arrives with her boyfriend, Zach. Brianna is 26, pregnant, and apparently the news came as quite a surprise to everyone. Liz explains that Gerry almost passed out when he found out.
The families get together, and Liz explains that she’s raised Gerry’s three daughters since they were little. She’s very involved, thank you, but there is one thing she has already decided: she will not be called Grandma. She prefers Gigi.
I appreciate a woman who gets ahead of the branding before the baby arrives. Grandma is apparently not the image she’s going for.
Meanwhile, Jo-Ellen and Ashley take their children to the park for a playdate. Ashley admits that she’s heard plenty of stories about Jo-Ellen being difficult, but she tells her that she actually had a great time at the Fourth of July party.
Jo-Ellen is relieved. She’s been worried that she made a bad impression after the picnic fight with Rosie. Ashley assures her she wasn’t bothered by the drama.
Then the conversation turns to Ashley and Jared’s coffee shop, Audrey’s. Things are not going as smoothly as they hoped. Jared is working constantly, the business is stressful, and Ashley says his mood has been affected by the pressure. He tells her that when he’s moody, it’s not about her, but that’s easier said than done when you’re living with someone who’s carrying the weight of a struggling business.
Ashley starts crying. Again. She admits that she has a nanny 33 hours a week and feels like she should be able to handle everything. She doesn’t understand why she’s so emotional.
Jo-Ellen suggests Ashley tries to present an Instagram-perfect family, but she understands that motherhood is hard.
And honestly, the coffee shop may be the least of their problems if Ashley is going to cry every time somebody asks how business is going.
Now it’s time to meet the seventh Housewife, Rulla Nehme Pontarelli. We finally get the full Rhode Island roster, and Rulla arrives at lunch with Liz and Kelsey at Fleur in the Omni Providence Hotel.
Rulla says she’s been feeling left out lately and wants to know why Liz and Kelsey are spending time with Jo-Ellen. She doesn’t exactly have a glowing opinion of her, describing Jo-Ellen as someone who comes across as friendly but isn’t necessarily what she seems.
And now we get to the real issue: Rulla’s husband, Brian.
Apparently, Jo-Ellen showed Liz photos of Brian with another woman. The pictures were posted by the alleged mistress herself, so this isn’t exactly a case of somebody squinting at a blurry photograph from across a parking lot.
Liz says there are echoes all around Rhode Island that Brian has a mistress.
Rulla insists that whatever happened is not ongoing. Liz is not buying it.
“But it is, ma.”
Well, that’s a delicate way to welcome somebody to lunch.
Rulla accuses Jo-Ellen of spreading the rumors around town and starting divorce talk. Liz says Rulla is living in denial. Rulla then decides to bring Liz’s own marriage into the conversation, pointing out that Liz and Gerry have had indiscretions too.
She takes it a step further, saying that having children with someone makes a difference, and that Gerry has children while Liz hasn’t produced any of her own.
Oof.
Liz immediately takes offense, pointing out that she raised Gerry’s daughters and has no interest in being told that she hasn’t done the work of a mother simply because she didn’t give birth to them.
Rulla tries to walk it back, but the damage is done. This friendship is off to a spectacular start.
Kelsey says she understands Rulla’s frustration because her own relationship is constantly being discussed. Her boyfriend spends half the year in Miami with another woman, and apparently everybody in Rhode Island has an opinion about that arrangement too.
At this point, I think the state needs a communal privacy policy.
Next, Alicia visits Kelsey, bringing crackers because the line for cheese was too long. This is the kind of snack planning I can appreciate.
The two talk about Rhode Island people and what makes somebody a true local. Kelsey says Alicia is Rhode Island through and through, from her accent to her complete inability to tolerate highway driving.
Alicia explains that she hates highways because she’s had some frightening experiences behind the wheel. She casually reveals that she once ran over a woman and has nearly driven off a bridge.
Excuse me?
The producer quite reasonably asks about the woman, but Alicia doesn’t elaborate. And just like that, we’re moving on to the next topic. Rhode Island, please explain yourselves.
They also discuss Brian’s alleged affair, with Kelsey describing Jo-Ellen as gasoline being poured onto the rumors. Jo-Ellen may not have started the fire, but apparently she’s been standing nearby with a very large can.
We finally get a look inside Rulla’s home in Lincoln, which is a mansion befitting somebody who makes a point of living in an upscale town.
Rulla makes it clear that Cranston, where Jo-Ellen lives, is not for her. She wouldn’t live there. It’s just not her vibe.
Well, Jo-Ellen may have a few things to say about that.
Rulla describes herself as one of the only female boat captains in Rhode Island and says she runs her own financial planning firm. She’s a boss bitch, and she wants everyone to know it.
She’s been with Brian for 12 years, and when she brings up the lunch conversation, Brian says he wants to move forward from what happened last year. Rulla admits she’s still working on forgiving him.
So the affair happened, but we’re not supposed to talk about it. Unfortunately, these women have already made that rather difficult.
Now it’s time for the group outing. The ladies board a party bus and head to Newport Vineyards in Middletown. Rulla is not initially with the group, but Kelsey has a little surprise waiting for Jo-Ellen.
First, we discover that Kelsey likes cheap wine, which she calls “stripper juice.” Jo-Ellen, on the other hand, considers herself a wine snob. Naturally.
During the vineyard tour, there’s some confusion about whether the grapes are tomatoes. Jo-Ellen has to explain that they’re grapes. At a vineyard. I don’t know what else to say.
Then Kelsey pulls Jo-Ellen aside and tells her that Rulla is coming.
Jo-Ellen is immediately annoyed. She feels she’s being blamed for Brian’s alleged affair when all she did was share pictures that the alleged mistress had already posted online. She also claims that Rulla and Brian contacted her workplace in an attempt to get her fired.
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Jo-Ellen says she will not tolerate anyone threatening her livelihood or her family. She is prepared to bring it if Rulla wants to start something.
The women gather at the table, and Alicia gets in a little commentary of her own. She points out that Rulla’s husband is a foot doctor, but suggests he may be doing more than rubbing feet.
Alicia has clearly decided that subtlety is not necessary.
Rulla then FaceTimes the group to say she can’t make it because she’s sick. The women notice that she appears to be in full glam, which raises a few questions about the severity of this illness.
Jo-Ellen has her own theory, suggesting that Rulla’s headaches are from taking too much Ozempic and recommending a protein bar.
Medical opinions from the vineyard. Just what the doctor ordered.
Since Rulla isn’t there to participate in person, the ladies decide to play a little anonymous question game. Everyone can write down a question and put it out there for the group to answer.
And because this is Rhode Island, nobody is wasting an opportunity to ask about somebody else’s sex life.
Rosie gets asked whether she had an affair with a basketball coach. She denies it and tells the camera not to believe everything on Reddit. She also questions why she would be interested in an older basketball coach when he’s barely her type.
Well, at least Reddit is getting a mention in the official Housewives rumor cycle.
Jo-Ellen gets asked whether she and Gary are swingers. She says she’s heard the rumor plenty of times and denies it, although she does acknowledge that Rhode Island has a big swinging community.
That’s a sentence I wasn’t expecting to hear at a winery.
Kelsey gets asked whether she has a second boyfriend. She explains that she is not in a polygamous relationship, but she is dating somebody else. She says she’d be happy with either outcome.
Rosie, who apparently consulted ChatGPT about the terminology, thinks the arrangement sounds like polyamory.
I would like to formally welcome myself into the Rhode Island rumor investigation. Apparently, I’ve been consulted.
Then Alicia asks Liz whether the rumors about her having an affair are true.
And just like that, the mood changes.
Liz is visibly upset that Alicia would ask her that question, especially because she believes Alicia knows the truth. She explains that she and Gerry have a close friend named Dino, who is like a little brother to her. Their friendship may have looked unconventional to other people, but she insists she never slept with him.
She admits that everything about the friendship may not have been completely appropriate, but she says the affair never happened.
Liz feels Alicia is helping spread a narrative she knows is false. She’s hurt, angry, and clearly not interested in having her marriage discussed over a wine tasting.
And there we have it. Seven women, one tiny state, and apparently not a single relationship that isn’t being investigated by the entire population.
We’ve got Brian’s alleged mistress, Liz’s alleged affair, Jo-Ellen’s alleged swinging lifestyle, Rosie’s alleged basketball coach, and Kelsey’s relationship status, which may require its own flowchart.
The women came to the vineyard to squash rumors. Instead, they managed to plant several new ones.
Somebody get these ladies a bigger state.
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