Alicia Carmody continues to be the gift that keeps on giving, and this week she gives us dolls. Lots and lots of dolls. Apparently, she has an extensive collection of fashion dolls that she treats with the reverence most people reserve for priceless museum artifacts. Her daughter is allowed to look at them, but only if she handles them gently. Very gently. These dolls have better security than most Rhode Island celebrities.
Liz visits Alicia, and naturally the conversation circles back to the Newport Vineyards lunch and that little Dino affair rumor. Alicia apologizes for bringing it up, explaining that she just wanted Liz to have the opportunity to clear things up. Liz accepts the apology, and the two move on to Alicia’s own relationship situation.
Alicia has been engaged to Bill for NINE YEARS. Nine. At this point, the engagement has been around longer than some marriages. Alicia explains that watching so many women in her family go through divorces has left her understandably cautious. There’s also the little matter of a prenup that apparently would leave her with absolutely nothing, and Bill refusing to put her name on their house.
So, we have a woman who has been engaged for nearly a decade, has no wedding date, and apparently needs to negotiate for a place on the deed. Meanwhile, the dolls are safely housed and protected. Priorities.
Over at Jo-Ellen’s, she’s still processing the arrival of Rulla into the group. Apparently, she wasn’t exactly given a warm advance notice that Rulla would be joining the cast. She’s particularly annoyed about the whole vineyard invitation situation and seems to be conducting an investigation into Rulla’s status on the show. Is she full-time? Is she a friend? Who filmed with her? When did she sign?
Jo-Ellen is asking the questions Bravo producers probably hoped she wouldn’t ask quite so loudly.
We also get some relationship updates. Rosie and her husband Frank are celebrating their first anniversary. Congratulations to the happy couple. We’re still waiting for Frank to break out the Sinatra vocals, because if you’re going to have that name, there are certain expectations.
Ashley and Jared head out for a date night, but romance takes a back seat to the ongoing financial disaster that is their coffee shop. Ashley is worried about how much time Jared spends working there and how little money they’re making. The business partner Audrey is apparently becoming the third person in this marriage, except this third person is costing them money instead of bringing home flowers.
Jared seems frustrated and unfulfilled, Ashley is worried, and the coffee shop continues to consume their lives. Nothing says date night quite like discussing a business that might be eating your bank account.
Kelsey also goes on a date, this time with Bill, the other man in her increasingly complicated romantic arrangement. They have known each other since seventh grade, and he seems like a perfectly reasonable option. Unfortunately, reasonable doesn’t necessarily come with the mansion, lifestyle, and 79 televisions she’s accustomed to.
Kelsey explains that she doesn’t mind working. She just doesn’t particularly want to.
Honestly, I appreciate the clarity.
Her wealthy boyfriend spends half the year in Florida, and the arrangement seems to work for everyone involved, at least until someone starts asking questions. Bill might be a potential future, but Kelsey isn’t exactly rushing to trade her current accommodations for a more modest lifestyle.
Then comes the main event: Gerry’s Studio 54-themed 54th birthday party.
Liz has gone all out, greeting guests from the balcony like she’s opening a nightclub in 1977. The outfits are a mixed bag, with some women embracing the assignment and others looking like they were informed about the theme while already in the car.
Dolores Catania is there, bringing some additional Housewives star power to the proceedings. Alicia is also on hand with one of the episode’s best observations about Rulla’s husband Brian, who apparently has two costumes: one for Studio 54 and one for pretending to be a faithful husband.
Subtlety is not the Rhode Island specialty.
Rulla arrives with Brian, and this is the first real opportunity for her and Jo-Ellen to deal with each other face-to-face in the group setting. Jo-Ellen is still furious about Brian allegedly contacting her workplace and trying to get her in trouble professionally.
Her husband Gary is equally unimpressed. The two couples sit down to discuss the situation, and Brian spends much of the conversation looking like a man who would very much prefer to be anywhere else.
Jo-Ellen wants answers. Gary is ready to defend his wife. Brian insists he didn’t personally try to get her fired, explaining that a friend was responsible for contacting her colleagues.
Well, that’s certainly convenient.
Rulla continues to maintain that Brian’s affair is in the past. Jo-Ellen, however, is not buying it and insists that the behavior is ongoing. She even invokes the lives of her children to emphasize that she’s telling the truth.
Meanwhile, the other women are enjoying the spectacle. Rosie is observing everything like she’s working on an investigative report, and Liz is attempting to keep her husband’s birthday from becoming an episode of Couples Court.
Alicia, naturally, has another excellent line about Brian arriving in two different costumes: Studio 54 and faithful husband.
Rulla and Brian eventually leave, and their car ride home is about as cheerful as you’d expect. Rulla wants to know why Brian didn’t defend himself during the confrontation. It’s a fair question, although the answer might require a little more than a costume change.
And just when we think the evening has delivered enough drama, Liz and Kelsey have their own little confrontation.
Liz tells Kelsey she wants to go down to the seawall with her husband and Dino so everyone can see that there’s nothing inappropriate happening between them. Kelsey suggests that perhaps this isn’t the best idea, given the ongoing rumors.
Liz does not appreciate the suggestion.
In fact, Liz is so unappreciative that she storms off, heads upstairs, and locks herself in a room. We get the cameras, the microphones, and the glorious realization that the conversation is still being recorded.
The hot mic is working overtime.
Liz is furious, yelling that she doesn’t have an ongoing situation and that Kelsey has more to hide than she does. She also suggests that Kelsey is trying to redirect attention away from her own connection to Dino by pointing fingers at Liz.
Excuse me?
We have now gone from rumors about Liz and Dino to accusations that Kelsey herself has some sort of connection to Dino. Liz doesn’t offer a complete explanation, but she makes it abundantly clear that she thinks Kelsey has her own secrets.
And suddenly the seawall seems like the least of anyone’s problems.
This group has managed to turn a birthday party, a doll collection, a coffee shop, and a relationship discussion into a tangled web of accusations involving multiple men and a possible professional complaint.
Rhode Island may be the smallest state, but apparently it has enough secrets to fill several seasons of television.
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