If you thought the women of Rhode Island were going to spend an entire episode peacefully eating pizza chips and enjoying the ocean, you clearly haven’t been paying attention. We have cheating husbands, questionable romantic histories, family members with absolutely no boundaries, trash-can cheeseburgers, and Alicia Carmody discovering that being accused of talking about someone behind their back is apparently a capital offense.
Welcome to Rhode Island, where the accents are thick, the grudges are thicker, and nobody seems particularly interested in minding their own business.
We open at Liz’s house, where she’s joined by Dolores Catania to unpack the aftermath of her Studio 54 birthday party. Liz is still processing her spectacular meltdown after Kelsey brought up the alleged ongoing situation between Liz and Dino. Liz admits she’s embarrassed by how she behaved, describing herself as a bitter, drunken witch. Well, self-awareness is a beautiful thing, even if it arrives approximately one hangover too late.
Dolores offers her assessment of the Rulla and Brian situation, and it’s not exactly optimistic. She feels Rulla is desperately holding onto her marriage, while Liz agrees that Rulla is hanging on by her fingernails. Apparently, the group consensus is that Brian’s alleged extracurricular activities may not be entirely in the rearview mirror. Rulla, meanwhile, is still trying to make sense of the whole thing.
Over at the beach, Alicia, Kelsey, Rosie, and Ashley gather for a little sunshine and gossip. Alicia arrives bearing Rhode Island’s finest contribution to the culinary world: red pizza squares, which she calls pizza chips. They’re essentially pizza without the cheese, and Ashley is understandably confused by this development. Ashley wants cheese on her pizza. Honestly, this is a perfectly reasonable position to take, but she’s going to have to learn that Rhode Island has its own rules.
Naturally, the conversation turns to Rulla, Brian, and Jo-Ellen. Kelsey explains that when she brought up Liz and Dino at the party, she was referring to an ongoing rumor, not necessarily making some grand accusation. Alicia agrees that everyone seems to have to walk on eggshells around Liz. This observation will come back to bite her shortly, because apparently the pizza chips are not the only thing about to get heated.
Meanwhile, Jo-Ellen heads off to Chicago for work, leaving husband Gary at home with the children and a little assistance from her sister Jen. Now, Jen and Gary have a history. They dated in high school before Jo-Ellen eventually pursued Gary herself. Jen apparently enjoys flirting with her sister’s husband, and Jo-Ellen claims she doesn’t particularly care because the two never actually slept together. There may have been some high-school fondling, but that’s apparently ancient history.
Oh, and Jen once suggested using Gary’s sperm to have children of her own.
I’m sorry, what?
There are family dynamics, and then there is whatever this arrangement is. Jo-Ellen seems remarkably relaxed about the whole thing, which is either a sign of confidence or an indication that this family has normalized conversations that would send most people directly into couples therapy.
Next, we get the arrival of Alicia’s mother and aunties, and frankly, these women deserve their own show. Rulla and Ashley join the gathering, and the conversation turns to Alicia’s nine-year engagement to Billy. Alicia has concerns about marriage, particularly the possibility of signing a prenup that could leave her financially vulnerable. Ashley points out that Alicia should have her name on the house, while Liz takes things a step further and suggests that her name should be on Billy’s business, too.
Pizza Mamma may be serving pizza, but apparently it isn’t serving Alicia much financial security.
The conversation eventually shifts to Rulla’s marriage. She’s been trying to keep things together, but when the women press her about how she’s feeling, she begins to crack. Rulla admits that she’s having a difficult time getting past all the lying. It’s one of the more vulnerable moments we’ve seen from her, and it’s clear that the situation with Brian is taking a toll.
Alicia’s aunties have plenty of advice about unfaithful husbands, and they are not exactly offering a gentle, carefully worded seminar on marital communication. One auntie describes discovering that her husband had been wandering. Her pronunciation leaves everyone struggling to decipher what she’s saying, including Alicia, who keeps asking what exactly he wanted. The resulting conversation is unintentionally hilarious.
Alicia’s family doesn’t appear to believe in sugarcoating anything. If your husband cheats, apparently the appropriate response is to hope you manage to hurt him in return. Subtlety has not been invited to this gathering.
Back to Liz and Kelsey, who finally sit down together aboard Liz’s boat, the Gypsea. They’re preparing to clean it out as Liz and her family get ready to sell it, but first they need to clean up the mess between them.
Kelsey admits she’s a little nervous about walking into the situation, but things go surprisingly well. Liz acknowledges that she wasn’t proud of her behavior at the birthday party and takes responsibility for losing her temper.
Then Kelsey finally explains what happened between her and Dino.
About ten years earlier, she says, she had a vulnerable moment and hooked up with him. But when she subsequently tried to distance herself, she claims he continued showing up and pursuing her. Kelsey describes the experience as traumatic and says it left her with PTSD.
This is a pretty significant revelation, especially considering how much Liz has been defending Dino and how differently the two women experienced their relationships with him.
Kelsey makes it clear that she understands Liz had a different relationship with Dino, but her own experience was not the same. Liz listens, and the two women manage to put down their weapons long enough to reach an understanding. They toast to making peace.
For once, two Housewives have an uncomfortable conversation without somebody storming out, throwing a drink, or threatening to expose a secret. Progress!
Of course, peace is a temporary condition in Rhode Island.
The ladies head out for a railroad excursion at Rail Explorers in Portsmouth. They’re going to pedal their way along the tracks, which sounds like a perfectly pleasant group activity until you remember that this particular group can turn a picnic into a criminal investigation.
On the way there, Kelsey demonstrates that she is not particularly concerned with conventional standards of food safety. She opens a beer bottle with her teeth and casually admits that she recently ate leftover McDonald’s cheeseburgers out of the trash.
Out of the trash.
I have questions, but I’m also beginning to think Kelsey might be the most entertaining person on this show.
Rosie, meanwhile, starts discussing her ongoing digestive issues. She explains that she’s struggled with stomach problems for much of her life and recently experienced colitis so severe that she had to take medical leave from work. Ashley wonders whether Ozempic might be responsible, but Rosie insists the problems predate that.
Kelsey, however, has a different version of events. In her confessional, she claims Rosie wasn’t on medical leave at all and alleges that she was fired after having an affair with someone higher up at her workplace.
And there it is. Another Rhode Island rumor, delivered with the casual confidence of someone discussing the weather.
The women arrive at Rail Explorers and begin pedaling their way along the tracks. They cover roughly six miles, with plenty of opportunity to drink, gossip, and do what this group does best: discuss people who are sitting approximately three feet away.
After the ride, they settle into Adirondack chairs overlooking the ocean for a picnic. It’s a lovely setting, which is unfortunate because the conversation is about to become anything but lovely.
Alicia notices Rosie and Ashley having a conversation and wants to know what they’re discussing. The two women admit they’ve been talking about Liz and how intimidating they find her.
Rosie then decides to bring Alicia into the conversation by mentioning that Alicia herself had said Liz was always like that and that people had to walk on eggshells around her.
And just like that, Alicia goes from enjoying a peaceful afternoon to preparing for war.
Alicia is furious that Rosie is putting words in her mouth and making it sound as though she’s been criticizing Liz behind her back. She insists she loves Liz and doesn’t appreciate having her comments twisted into something else.
Then comes the Alicia Carmody vocabulary lesson.
She tells Rosie not to put things in her mouth, calls her a troll, accuses her of being thirsty, and makes it abundantly clear that she is not interested in playing Rosie’s little game. The language gets colorful, the volume gets louder, and the picnic becomes less about enjoying the scenery and more about surviving Alicia’s verbal assault.
Rosie attempts to backtrack, explaining that she wouldn’t have brought it up if she’d known Alicia would react this way.
Well, Rosie, you did bring it up, and now you’ve met the consequences.
Alicia insists that her original comment about walking on eggshells wasn’t intended as an attack on Liz. She simply doesn’t like snakes, and apparently she believes Rosie is doing a little slithering of her own.
Meanwhile, Liz is sitting nearby roasting marshmallows and eating them, seemingly delighted that the entire conversation has absolutely nothing to do with her. It’s almost impressive how little interest she has in the drama unfolding around her. The woman has marshmallows to attend to. Priorities.
Eventually, the others try to calm Alicia down, and she asks Rosie to speak privately. The two women have a conversation, hug, and appear to move past the disagreement.
Because apparently in Rhode Island you can call someone every name in the book and then hug it out before dessert.
Alicia delivers one of the episode’s most memorable observations, describing herself as a sensitive gangster. She also suggests that having her peppermint oil might have helped her remain calmer.
I don’t know what peppermint oil is supposed to do in the middle of a Housewives confrontation, but I’m willing to let Alicia conduct the experiment.
By the end of the episode, we’ve had a little marital misery, a boat-side reconciliation, a family gathering that needs several boundaries installed immediately, and a railroad excursion that somehow ends with a full-blown confrontation.
The women may have started the day pedaling along a peaceful stretch of Rhode Island coastline, but they certainly didn’t finish it peacefully.
And if Alicia is any indication, the Ocean State has no shortage of people willing to tell you exactly what they think of you.
Just don’t touch her pizza chips.
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