Jo-Ellen is back, and naturally, she has brought more than luggage home from Chicago. She has brought information. Potentially incriminating information. Possibly enough information to qualify for a position with the FBI. But first, she has to catch up with Alicia and Liz poolside.
Jo-Ellen shares that her grandfather has passed away at the age of 100, and Alicia manages to turn the conversation into a Rhode Island version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon by asking if her grandfather was her neighbor. Apparently, in Rhode Island, everybody is either related, married, divorced, or has lived next door to somebody who knows somebody.
The women eventually get around to discussing the previous week’s railroad excursion and Alicia’s spectacular argument with Rosie. Liz happily reenacts the entire confrontation, including Alicia calling Rosie a whore. Alicia admits she feels a little bad about it, but explains that sometimes you just say whore because it feels good. Well, at least she’s being honest about her vocabulary choices.
Liz also brings Jo-Ellen up to speed on the Rulla situation. When Jo-Ellen asks whether Rulla has been discussing her, Liz says no, adding that attacking Rulla right now is kind of low-hanging fruit because she’s visibly going through it. This is an interesting approach to friendship: everybody knows there’s a problem, nobody wants to address it, and everybody is waiting for somebody else to bring it up.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is welcoming Ashley into her boyfriend’s rather impressive mansion, which comes complete with its own hair salon. Because why simply have a bathroom mirror when you can have a professional salon in your boyfriend’s house?
Kelsey explains that she went from living with her middle-class parents and working as a waitress to moving into her wealthy boyfriend’s mansion. She hasn’t had to work since, but now she’s thinking about becoming more financially independent. She’s hoping to build up a clientele by promoting her hair services on Instagram.
Ashley, who knows a thing or two about monetizing social media, is sympathetic. She even explains that posting on Instagram is practically like money for her. She’s got a Royal Caribbean deal coming up, so apparently the influencer economy is alive and well in Rhode Island.
But Kelsey has something else on her mind. Rosie.
Kelsey tells Ashley that she’s never really been able to get close to Rosie and that she’s particularly bothered by Rosie’s failure to promote her hair work on Instagram. She points out that Rosie posts about other hair and makeup people but didn’t give Kelsey a shoutout after Kelsey did her hair.
This is apparently a betrayal of monumental proportions. Somewhere, a woman who actually got paid for doing someone’s hair is wondering what exactly she’s watching.
Kelsey also tells Ashley that she thinks Rosie is threatened by her. Naturally. Because nothing says existential threat quite like a woman who can give you a blowout.
The group is gathering for a sailing excursion aboard the Schooner Aurora to celebrate Rosie’s friend Jack’s birthday. And what better place to address simmering resentment than on a boat, where nobody can conveniently walk away?
Rosie is already feeling uneasy about the group dynamic. She tells Ashley that she likes the women but is beginning to get anxiety every time she shows up because she feels like she’s constantly getting punched in the face. She’s not entirely sure why this keeps happening.
Well, Rosie, we have a few theories.
Kelsey arrives, and before long, the Instagram hair-credit controversy makes its way onto the open water. Kelsey brings up the fact that Rosie posts about everything from her spray tan to her food but somehow couldn’t manage a picture acknowledging Kelsey’s haircut.
Rosie is not particularly interested in accepting responsibility for Kelsey’s social media ambitions. She fires back that it’s not her job to photograph the back of her head, which is actually a pretty reasonable point. Kelsey counters that the back of her head is precisely why she got the haircut in the first place.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the point in the season where a haircut has become a character witness.
Rosie gets increasingly irritated, accusing Kelsey of using people for everything and making it clear that she isn’t going to be used for clout. Kelsey, meanwhile, seems to have reached the conclusion that Rosie is incapable of doing anything without irritating her.
The friendship is going swimmingly. Literally. They’re on a boat.
Elsewhere, Jo-Ellen and Rulla are attempting something almost unheard of in this group: a private conversation. The two meet at Sombra in East Greenwich, hoping to put some of their issues behind them.
Jo-Ellen insists that she doesn’t have a problem with Rulla. Her problem is with Brian and the alleged affair that she believes is still happening.
And this is where things get interesting.
Jo-Ellen explains that she knows the woman allegedly involved with Brian because their children attend the same daycare. According to Jo-Ellen, the woman has shown her text messages between herself and Brian. Jo-Ellen has even brought the evidence to show Rulla.
Rulla is not impressed.
She explains that the woman is known for using AI and apps to fabricate text messages, and she isn’t about to accept screenshots as proof of anything. She also points out that Jo-Ellen hasn’t actually verified that the phone number in the messages belongs to Brian.
Jo-Ellen, however, is convinced she’s onto something. She says Brian brings this woman coffee every morning.
Rulla insists that Brian goes to the gym.
Jo-Ellen delivers the question that deserves to be framed and hung in every Housewives production office: “Does Brian look like he goes to the gym?”
I mean. The investigation has taken a turn.
Rulla leaves the conversation believing Jo-Ellen has been manipulated by a woman trying to break up her marriage. Jo-Ellen leaves believing Rulla is refusing to acknowledge what’s happening. They have technically had a conversation, but whether they’ve accomplished anything is another matter.
And now, for the main event: polo.
The group is heading to Newport Polo, beginning the outing with a gathering at Angelo’s Palace Pizza, owned by Alicia’s fiancé, Bill. Kelsey brings her other Bill along, because apparently one Bill per storyline is insufficient.
Kelsey explains that her boyfriend doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with her friends, but Bill is happy to be seen out with her. She likes that he claims her publicly. This is apparently an important distinction in Kelsey’s complicated romantic arrangements.
The women and their husbands are preparing to head out together, but Brian suddenly receives a phone call. His mother isn’t feeling well, and his father is taking her to the hospital. Brian and Rulla decide to leave.
On the bus ride to Newport, the women FaceTime Rulla to check in. She explains that Brian has gone to see his mother.
And then Jo-Ellen receives a text.
Apparently, a friend of the alleged mistress has informed her that Brian is actually heading to see the other woman. Jo-Ellen is immediately suspicious, while Liz is considerably less convinced. Liz essentially points out that this whole thing sounds far-fetched.
The women arrive at the polo match, and the conversation turns to jewelry. Rulla is wearing her enormous wedding ring, but Brian is notably missing his.
When questioned, Brian explains that he took it off to put gel in his son’s hair.
I’m sorry, what?
The ring was apparently present earlier in the day, but now it’s gone, and the explanation involves children’s hair products. This is the kind of detail that would be entirely unremarkable in any other setting, but here it becomes Exhibit A.
Jo-Ellen is now operating at full investigative capacity. She’s mentally reconstructing the entire afternoon, including the original phone call, the departure, the timeline, the drive, and Brian’s eventual arrival at the polo match.
She has essentially turned a day at the polo grounds into an episode of Dateline.
And then comes the Instagram story.
Jo-Ellen sees that the alleged mistress has posted a picture of herself with Brian. The timing is particularly interesting, considering the entire explanation for Brian’s absence earlier in the afternoon.
Jo-Ellen immediately brings Liz into the situation. Liz, who had previously been skeptical, now has considerably less room to dismiss what she’s seeing.
The two women decide to confront the situation, and Brian is not interested in participating.
When Liz approaches, Brian makes it clear that he’s not doing this on camera. He wants to leave.
Jo-Ellen, however, isn’t about to let the opportunity pass. She and Liz attempt to bring Rulla into the conversation, and eventually Jo-Ellen manages to show her the Instagram post.
Rulla is understandably upset, but her anger is directed largely toward Jo-Ellen for bringing the situation into the group outing. Brian is still insisting that he doesn’t want to discuss it.
Jo-Ellen tries to explain that she’s not doing this to hurt Rulla. She believes she’s bringing her information that Rulla deserves to know. She tells her that if she wants proof, she’ll find it.
And for a moment, there’s something almost sympathetic about Jo-Ellen. Beneath all the gossip and the investigative theatrics, she seems genuinely convinced that Rulla is being deceived.
Rulla, however, isn’t ready to accept that interpretation. She believes Jo-Ellen is stirring the pot and allowing another woman to interfere in her marriage.
Liz finds herself in the uncomfortable position of acknowledging that Jo-Ellen may have a point while still being frustrated with how she’s handling the situation.
Alicia, meanwhile, is watching the entire spectacle while casually eating Wheat Thins.
Honestly, Alicia might be the most relatable person at this event. Everyone else is conducting a full-scale marital investigation, and she’s having a snack.
Alicia explains that she likes Brian and understands that Rulla has made the decision to forgive him. She doesn’t necessarily want to see the marriage fall apart, but the situation is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.
Rulla continues to feel that Jo-Ellen is responsible for creating problems, while Liz makes the point that eventually Rulla has to stop focusing on Jo-Ellen and address what’s actually happening.
And that’s where we leave things.
We’ve got one friendship deteriorating over an Instagram haircut credit, another woman investigating an alleged affair with the determination of a federal prosecutor, and a husband whose wedding ring has become the most important missing object in Rhode Island.
The women have managed to turn sailing and polo into two separate opportunities for emotional warfare. At this point, I’d recommend that everybody stay on land, keep their phones charged, and perhaps refrain from taking off any jewelry.
Schooner or later, somebody was going to lose their mind. Apparently, it was everybody.
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