Well, the slam pig has left the barn, and apparently nobody in Rhode Island has any intention of behaving like a civilized human being. Episode 9 picks up right where we left off, with Kelsey driving away from Rosie’s house after the disastrous haircut appointment. The friendship repair lasted approximately as long as a cheap hair extension.
Kelsey immediately calls Liz to give her version of events. She’s upset about Rosie accusing her of sleeping with married men and questioning whether she actually won Miss Rhode Island. But Kelsey isn’t simply going to take the insults and go home quietly. She fires back with her own allegations about Rosie, including a rumor involving a basketball coach who supposedly paid Rosie off. According to Kelsey, that money helped finance Rosie’s lovely new home.
Oh, we’re doing this now?
Rosie, meanwhile, calls Ashley while Ashley and Jared are shopping for the supplies for trivia night at Audrey’s. Rosie tells Ashley she won’t attend if Kelsey is invited. Ashley is suddenly in the unenviable position of having to manage two grown women who apparently cannot occupy the same zip code without requiring a production intervention.
Jared correctly points out that Rosie is putting Ashley in a difficult position. He’s hosting the event at his own business, and the last thing they need is a Housewives cage match between the trivia questions.
But there’s another interesting development. Rosie has also been communicating with Jo-Ellen. Remember when these two were practically sworn enemies? Apparently, Rosie has decided that Jo-Ellen is someone she can talk to again. Liz is not particularly pleased when she discovers this. She launches into a rather elaborate banana-peel analogy to explain why she thinks Jo-Ellen is playing both sides.
At this point, Jo-Ellen could probably sneeze in the wrong direction and Liz would interpret it as a declaration of war.
Meanwhile, Alicia meets Rulla at the beach. Rulla opens up about her marriage to Brian and how deeply his behavior has hurt her. She explains that Brian used to make her feel adored and that she never imagined he would betray her.
Alicia can relate to some of those feelings because of her own childhood. She remembers watching her mother repeatedly deal with her father’s abandonment and the instability that followed. The conversation turns toward Alicia’s financial situation with Billy and the fact that she doesn’t necessarily have the same independence Rulla enjoys.
Rulla gives her some surprisingly practical advice: ask for what she deserves. If Alicia has helped build Pizza Mamma, she should have a legitimate stake in the business.
And speaking of Rulla, the women happen to run into Amanda, Jo-Ellen’s neighbor, who apparently has her own falling-out history with Jo-Ellen. Rulla takes this as further evidence that Jo-Ellen is the problem.
She delivers one of the episode’s better lines, describing Jo-Ellen as someone who thinks she’s a detective but is really just a douche.
Well, that’s certainly one way to describe your castmate.
Now we move to a triple date involving Kelsey and Bill, Jo-Ellen and Gary, and Liz and Gerry. Nothing says romantic evening like gathering three couples who have enough unresolved drama between them to fill an entire reunion special.
Naturally, the conversation turns to Rosie.
Kelsey recounts the hair appointment disaster and repeats the insults Rosie hurled at her, including the accusation that her career amounts to sucking dick. She also tells everyone about the slam pig comment.
We get an explanation of the expression, and it’s about as charming as you’d expect. It’s an ugly, derogatory insult aimed at women, and Liz is understandably unimpressed with the whole thing.
Kelsey, however, has decided that if she’s going to be called a slam pig, she might as well embrace the title.
The conversation then takes a turn toward Kelsey’s financial arrangement with her ex. She asks whether the group thinks it’s strange that he continues paying for some of her expenses. The general consensus is that it’s a little unusual, particularly considering she’s now dating Bill.
When the subject of what she has to do in exchange for that financial support comes up, Kelsey jokes that she has to perform oral sex once a week.
Bill looks less than thrilled.
Kelsey seems to think she’s being funny, but there’s something genuinely uncomfortable about watching her explain the financial arrangement to her current boyfriend while making jokes about the terms and conditions.
Then comes another unfortunate moment involving Alicia’s childhood. Kelsey makes a joke about not wanting to be homeless like Alicia, and Liz turns to Gary to confirm that Alicia was never actually homeless.
Apparently, we’re still litigating Alicia’s childhood.
But first, it’s trivia night!
Ashley is hoping for a fun, successful evening at Audrey’s. The place is packed, the questions are ready, and Jared is attempting to keep everything organized. It’s almost possible to imagine this being a normal social event.
Then Kelsey arrives.
And she arrives wearing a tiara and a sash proclaiming her to be MISS SLAM PIG.
“She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’s Miss Slam Pig United States.”
I mean, the commitment to the bit is impressive. The judgment surrounding the decision to wear it into a room where Rosie is already furious with her is considerably less impressive.
Kelsey has apparently decided that the best way to deal with being insulted is to turn the insult into a pageant. Somewhere, the Miss Rhode Island judges are probably reconsidering their involvement in this entire franchise.
Rosie is not amused.
The women begin taking sides. Alicia defends Rosie, Liz supports Kelsey, and Jo-Ellen finds herself caught in the middle. When Liz questions why Jo-Ellen has been communicating with Rosie, Jo-Ellen explains that she shares memes with her.
“I share memes.”
Honestly, that may be the most relatable explanation anyone has offered all season. Sometimes a meme is just a meme. Not every Instagram interaction requires a congressional investigation.
Jared attempts to get trivia moving by asking the group about Rhode Island’s famous big blue bug. Ashley tries to redirect the conversation toward the actual game, but the women are already well beyond the point of no return.
Rosie and Kelsey begin yelling at each other across the room. Rosie calls Kelsey a loser, while Kelsey proudly embraces her new title and fires back with an enthusiastic “oink oink, motherfucker.”
At one point, the other women actually duck underneath the table.
UNDER THE TABLE.
This is a trivia night, not an active-shooter drill.
The customers are watching, phones are coming out, and Ashley has officially reached her breaking point.
She finally erupts, demanding to know who is tired of all the fighting and yelling. She’s frustrated, embarrassed, and clearly overwhelmed by the fact that an event she and Jared organized for their business has turned into a public spectacle.
And then she cries.
Poor Ashley. She wanted a fun evening with friends and instead got a front-row seat to Miss Slam Pig’s homecoming parade.
Rosie feels that everyone is ganging up on her and believes Kelsey is being encouraged to antagonize her without consequences. She storms out, declaring that the clique needs to stop cliquing.
Ashley is left crying, but at least she manages to get a trivia question right. A small victory in an otherwise catastrophic evening.
Now, let’s talk about Alicia and Pizza Mamma.
Taking Rulla’s advice to heart, Alicia decides it’s time to make a serious business proposal to Billy. And she does not arrive empty-handed.
She has a presentation board. She has a PowerPoint. She has actual business ideas. She even has a bedazzled pen.
This is not a casual conversation over a pizza. This is a corporate acquisition proposal.
Alicia explains that she came up with the Pizza Mamma name and contributed to the restaurant’s distinctive decor. She wants Billy to recognize her contributions and give her an actual ownership interest in the business.
Her ideas include updated uniforms, year-round heart-shaped pizzas, personalized notes from Mamma, and special holiday pizza boxes designed to look like Christmas gifts.
Some of these ideas are genuinely cute. Alicia has clearly put thought into the presentation and is trying to demonstrate that she can contribute something meaningful beyond simply being Billy’s fiancée.
Billy likes some of the ideas, but his reaction isn’t entirely encouraging. He laughs during the presentation and eventually tells her that he doesn’t trust her with the business side of things.
Ouch.
Alicia is understandably hurt. She wants to be included, not simply reassured that she’ll be financially taken care of if something happens to him.
Billy explains that he plans to have an estate arrangement and money manager in place for Alicia and Celina should he die. But that isn’t really what Alicia is asking for. Her fear of being abandoned is tied to her childhood, and being told she’ll be provided for someday doesn’t necessarily make her feel like an equal partner today.
Eventually, they reach an agreement. Alicia will receive 10% of Billy’s share if they open another Pizza Mamma location, provided she works there.
And she makes sure the agreement is written down.
Out comes the bedazzled pen.
I appreciate a woman who understands that verbal promises and glitter pens are not interchangeable forms of legal documentation.
Finally, Rosie invites the women, with the notable exception of Kelsey, to Boston to see Rich perform in his Frank Sinatra show.
Rich is hoping for a peaceful evening. Rosie is hoping for a fun night. And the producers are hoping for exactly the opposite.
The women carpool, with Jo-Ellen riding alongside Liz and Alicia. They bring along a charcuterie board, because apparently no Housewives road trip is complete without an assortment of cheeses and cured meats.
The drive begins pleasantly enough, but the conversation eventually turns to Alicia’s childhood and her recent discussions with her mother.
Alicia explains that her mother has acknowledged how difficult things were after her father left. The family moved around, and there was a period when they didn’t have the stable home Alicia had known before.
Liz, however, is still stuck on the word homeless.
She insists that Alicia wasn’t homeless in the way most people understand the term. Alicia tries to explain that she may not have used the most technically accurate word, but she’s describing how the experience felt to her as a child.
And this is where the conversation becomes genuinely uncomfortable.
Alicia isn’t asking Liz to agree with every detail of her childhood recollection. She’s trying to share something painful and explain how it affected her. Instead of listening, Liz continues to challenge the terminology.
Liz believes she was protecting Alicia from criticism and that she was simply correcting something she thought was inaccurate.
Alicia sees it very differently. She feels dismissed and invalidated by someone she considers a friend.
And then she starts crying.
Liz continues defending herself, insisting that her true colors are beautiful. Which is a rather interesting response when the person sitting beside you is telling you that you’ve hurt her.
Alicia finally makes the point that Liz could have simply listened instead of dissecting her childhood.
Honestly, this is not a particularly complicated concept. You don’t need to agree with every word someone uses to acknowledge that their experience was painful.
Jo-Ellen tries to mediate, but Liz turns her attention toward her next target. She accuses Jo-Ellen of being phony and disingenuous, bringing up the fact that Jo-Ellen laughed when the subject of Alicia’s homelessness came up during the triple date.
Jo-Ellen attempts to keep the peace, even suggesting Alicia have a cracker to help settle herself.
A cracker.
We’ve gone from a full-scale argument about childhood trauma to emergency snack distribution.
But the tension between Liz and Jo-Ellen is now boiling over, and the car ride ends with everyone emotionally exhausted.
The women haven’t even arrived at Rich’s performance yet, and we’ve already had enough drama to fill an entire evening.
And that’s where we leave them: Alicia crying, Liz defending herself, Jo-Ellen caught between two friends, and Rich presumably somewhere in Boston wondering whether he should have just booked a solo performance.
This episode really delivers on its title. Between the Miss Slam Pig pageant, the public trivia-night meltdown, the Pizza Mamma business proposal, and the ongoing debate over Alicia’s childhood, questionable behavior is practically the franchise’s mission statement.
And one thing is becoming increasingly clear: the Rosie-Kelsey feud may be the loudest storyline, but Liz and Alicia’s conflict is turning out to be considerably more personal.
Next stop: Boston. And judging by the state of that car, Sinatra is going to need a very strong microphone.
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