Digging Up the Crazy: Revisiting Scary Island Part 2 — RHONY Season 3, Episode 12

Digging Up the Crazy: Revisiting Scary Island — RHONY Season 3, Episode 12

I remember when Kelly Bensimon came on RHONY Season 2. I found her unwatchable and couldn’t believe when she was signed for a second season. How could I have ever known she would be responsible for the timeless gift of Scary Island? One of the most famous and crazy episodes in Housewives history. Let’s dig up this old dinosaur. 

The girls are on Ramona’s renewal trip, and things are starting out exactly as you would expect: they’re on a beautiful boat, everyone is having a great time, and everything is going swimmingly.

Except Kelly.

Kelly is busy hating on Bethenny, whom she has already called a “ho bag” and accused several times of “not being a chef! You’re a cook!” This argument basically defines their breakfast conversation. Kelly cannot actually define the difference between a chef and a cook, but that does not stop her from being absolutely adamant that Bethenny is one and not the other. As Bethenny puts it, “If you don’t know, you better ask somebody.”

Everyone can see that Kelly is starting arguments. Everyone, apparently, except Kelly.

Then she says, “Okay, satchels of gold.”

And it is fabulous.

What the hell is she talking about?

Bethenny was right. Kelly came out of the gate like cookle-doodle-doo, and she does not stop. 

Meanwhile, Ramona, wearing a ridiculously small bikini that I hate to admit looks pretty good, is showing everyone the house where they will be staying. And this house is incredible.

These ladies sure do love to go to beautiful places and have terrible times. I will say that for them.

They take a dinghy to the beach and begin the drive to the villa, and it is staggeringly opulent. Everything about this place screams luxury vacation. It is beautiful, secluded, and completely excessive.

In other words, it is the perfect place for a Housewives-style meltdown the likes of which we have never seen again.

Bethenny leaves everyone Skinnygirl gift bags, and Kelly is SHOOK.

I mean, she goes batshit.

She cries that she does not understand Bethenny at all. All is not well in Kelly land, and, as we are about to discover, it gets considerably worse.

Kelly calls Jill and tells her that Bethenny is weird for being on a trip after her dad died, that she is crazy, and that Kelly dreams Bethenny will stab her.

Oookaaay.

This is getting kind of strange.

Jill admits that Kelly is not making any sense, which is probably the understatement of the trip. Kelly seems completely consumed by Bethenny, while Bethenny appears to be mostly concerned with enjoying her vacation and handing out gift bags.

And Jill? Jill is probably devastated that she is missing so much drama.

Bethenny makes breakfast because, well, she is a cook, right?

Ramona complains about the oatmeal.

Ramona is a beast.

Kelly comes into the kitchen and suggests that they all write their grievances on a complaint pad. Everyone thinks she is nuts, which, at this point, seems like a pretty reasonable assessment.

She also wants to take everybody’s pictures. Bethenny declines. She doesn’t want to be around Cookle-Doodle-Do, and honestly, I can’t blame her.

Alex then reveals that Kelly told her she was channeling the devil, which will develop more later. And by “develop,” I mean we are about to descend further into whatever the hell is happening in Kelly’s brain.

The ladies head off for the photo shoot. It sounds innocent enough.

And it is.

Until Kelly gets to Alex’s picture.

Then it’s just weird.

Kelly repeatedly tells Alex to make her “baby Johan face.” Alex has absolutely no idea what she is talking about, and neither do we.

What is a baby Johan face?

Why does Kelly need one?

Why is this happening during a perfectly normal photo shoot?

These are questions we will apparently never get satisfactory answers to.

Back in New York, Jill is practicing her ice-skating routine.

But why, though?

A professional coach gets mad at her for taking up the ring, which is kind of funny. Jill is apparently having her own little adventure while the rest of the women are losing their minds in paradise.

Luann and Jill meet for dinner and discuss the trip they aren’t on. They are both worried about Kelly. They don’t understand her phone calls. They don’t understand what she is talking about.

They don’t know the half of it.

Jill tells us she would never go somewhere she wasn’t welcome.

Then she says she is going to surprise everyone on the trip.

LMAO.

The irony.

But let’s get back to Scary Island. That’s what we are here for.

Bethenny is making dinner for everyone, and Kelly is wearing some weird purple nightgown dress, looking disheveled, and sounding crazy. She takes a phone call while everyone is talking. Ramona asks her to excuse herself, and Kelly goes crazy.

She will scratch Ramona’s eyes out.

Oh dear.

And we’re off!

Bethenny’s fresh salsas come out, and Kelly is immediately concerned about whether Bethenny actually did all the chopping and cooking herself. Because apparently we are still doing this.

Kelly tells us she tries—she tries really hard—to be even-tempered around the women.

I am just going to leave that where it is.

Bethenny wants to hide in the kitchen. Kelly refuses to sit across from Bethenny because she is afraid she will be attacked.

By the chef, I mean, cook.

Kelly tells us Bethenny is crazy, while the girls, including Ramona, are desperately trying to calm her down.

At this point, everyone seems to understand that something is very, very wrong.

Everyone except Kelly.

Everyone loves Bethenny’s food.

Except Kelly.

Did I mention that?

Sonja gives a shoutout to the food and Ramona’s jewelry line. Kelly does not like the food. She really does not like the food. Kelly says Bethenny should stick to making salad dressings, which is funny because I love Skinnygirl dressings, so Kelly may actually be onto something.

But I digress.

Back to the crazy.

Kelly asks Bethenny if she is okay. She is worried about Bethenny being pregnant and doing so much work as a chef.

Cook.

Whatever.

Sonja is going on and on about her old life and yacht, and Kelly cuts her dead with, “We know about the past.”

All of the girls are taken aback.

They talk about the Jill and Bethenny rift for a while, but Kelly won’t let anyone else talk. Ramona tries to apologize for making Bethenny cry on the Brooklyn Bridge, and we get one of my all-time favorite Housewives moments.

Kelly asks them if they are going to “make out with the tongue” and tells Ramona to “zip it.”

It’s terrific.

Kelly is completely off the rails.

Ramona and Bethenny leave the table, and Alex and Sonja try to talk to Kelly. Kelly tells Alex that she channels the devil and was wearing Kabuki to a party a few weeks ago.

Alex is stunned.

You really have to see this if you haven’t already. My snark can’t do it justice.

It is the craziest Real Housewives dinner in history.

Everyone is back at the table, and Kelly is yelling. She somehow manages to confuse Jack Nicholson, Don King, and Al Sharpton. She is screaming, “Al Sharpton!”

No one knows what is going on.

As Sonja shouts, “You just told Alex she was a Kabuki!”

LMAO.

Sonja tries to talk Kelly down. She is always left with her, and now Sonja is scared.

Kelly leaves.

Then she comes back with jelly beans.

Of course she does.

She wants everyone to get along. She says she can’t be around Bethenny. Bethenny tells her to “go to sleep!”

Everyone is scared.

Everyone wants Kelly to go to sleep.

Everyone wants Scary Island to be over.

Except the viewers.

We want more.