RHONY, Season 3, Episode 11–Housewives Overboard: Scary Island, Part 1

I miss New York!

This episode begins with Ramona picking up Sonja for Ramona’s “bachelorette” vow-renewal party in St. John’s. Sonja is thrilled about the first-class trip because Sonja loves luxury. This is a woman who has never met a nice hotel she didn’t want to sleep in.

Jill isn’t coming because, according to Ramona, it isn’t about her. Luann is also staying behind in Manhattan, which makes Ramona happy because she considers both of them buzzkills.

Meanwhile, Luann is at the recording studio working on her song, and it is painful.

She loves to sing. She really shouldn’t.

Luann has met a producer who wants to make her a star, and she’s writing lyrics based on her book about class. The result will eventually become the iconic “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”

Iconic? Absolutely.

Good? Absolutely not.

I really want to fast-forward this, but I am here as a professional excavator, and duty calls.

She sings. She sucks. She looks like she’s having fun.

The end.

In St. John’s, Ramona, Kelly, Bethenny, Alex, and Sonja get ready to enjoy Ramona’s vow-renewal trip.

Bethenny is arriving right on the heels of burying her father, and she’s pregnant and emotional. So naturally, she has been dropped into a Housewives vacation.

On the drive to the boat, the women are eating candy when Kelly announces that she doesn’t eat processed food. Just gummy bears.

Okay, sure.

Kelly and Bethenny immediately start butting heads, although this is still the calm before the storm. We haven’t even reached the part where Kelly starts speaking in riddles.

The women are thrilled when they see the yacht, and Ramona is in a fantastic mood because everything is going exactly her way.

This is Alex’s first girls’ trip, and she’s looking forward to some relaxation.

She came to the wrong place.

Ramona says Jill is missing out by staying home, while Kelly jumps in to defend her. They tour the yacht and choose their rooms, and Ramona proudly shows off her teeny-tiny bathing suits.

The woman has unbeatable confidence. She packed more swimsuits than there are days on this trip.

Everyone changes into bathing suits and settles in to enjoy the yacht. At lunch, Ramona wants to keep things casual, while Kelly refuses to eat in her bathing suit.

Kelly is Contrary Mary this entire trip.

The women start discussing the death of Bethenny’s father when Ramona interrupts to demand Pinot Grigio. Bethenny jokes that she spotted some grapes in the fridge and could stomp them for her.

Kelly does not get the joke.

She is eating those grapes! She does not want them stomped on!

Oh, dear.

She went to Columbia, right?

Ramona tries to share an experience she had with Jill, but Kelly won’t really let her finish. Jill is angry that Ramona didn’t tell her immediately when Bethenny’s father died, and Kelly jumps in to defend Jill. Ramona resents it.

Kelly thinks the whole conversation is mean. Bethenny looks exhausted. She clearly does not want to be having this conversation.

Alex also has a Jill story, which somehow annoys Kelly even more. Kelly insists she is a real person, she’s normal, and they all psychoanalyze each other.

Then Kelly says she doesn’t care.

The women agree that if she doesn’t care, she probably shouldn’t comment.

Kelly says the women are making lemons into lemonade.

WTF?

No. I don’t think that means what you think it means.

There’s that Columbia edge again.

Bethenny tries to explain the expression, but Kelly cuts her off, starts raising her voice, and calls the women gross.

Ramona says Kelly told her she doesn’t know how to have feelings.

Kelly decides she needs a timeout and dramatically stomps off, nearly walking straight into the glass door. She can’t figure out how to open it, which really kills the moment.

She finally makes it outside, calling the women “demented” on her way out.

A few minutes later, Kelly returns from her timeout completely refreshed and cheerful.

And this is just the beginning of the Kelly roller coaster we’ll be riding for the next two episodes.

After lunch, the women swim, enjoy the boat for a while, and then get cleaned up for the evening.

Alex and Bethenny are ready first and sit down to discuss the trip so far. Alex is having a good time, although she’s missing her kids. Bethenny is feeling good about coming and seems at peace with her father’s death.

They both agree that Kelly is bonkers.

Alex simply says, “What was that?” about lunch, and honestly, perfect. No notes. That was exactly what needed to be said.

Bethenny wonders if Kelly went to Columbia the country instead of Columbia the university.

I agree.

Back in the city, Luann is on a date with an icky guy who keeps trying to kiss her. His kisses look incredibly smooshy, and Luann keeps trying to dodge them. It is uncomfortable to watch.

Despite this, she says she likes him and will see him again.

We all know Luann has absolutely no problem getting a man, so I’m not really sure what’s happening here.

At dinner, Ramona has smartly arranged the seating to keep Bethenny and Kelly apart. Things go pretty well until Kelly, who claims she doesn’t drink, suddenly wants to do shots with all the ladies.

Bethenny opens up about her father, and Kelly shuts it down, basically telling her to get over it. It’s not necessarily the worst advice in the world, but the timing is terrible. Kelly does not know how to read a room.

Or a boat.

Sonja sticks up for Bethenny, while Ramona barges in to announce that the boat next door belongs to the owner of Hooters and she wants to go party on his boat.

Priorities.

Sonja starts questioning Kelly about her sex life, and somehow Kelly responds by saying she isn’t a ho bag like Bethenny.

It comes completely out of nowhere, and Bethenny laughs.

So do I.

Ramona is on approximately her 46th Pinot Grigio and completely oblivious to how spectacularly her trip is falling apart.

Kelly adds that Bethenny is cunning and deceitful, and Bethenny tells her to get away from her.

Then the chef/cook fight kicks off.

Kelly insists Bethenny is not a chef. She is a cook. She says it over and over again.

It’s coconuts.

Bethenny calls Kelly the most unintelligent human she has ever met, and honestly, that tracks.

Things get really ugly when Kelly suddenly claims Bethenny attacked her children. Bethenny has had enough, especially after the “ho bag” comment, and takes off for the Hooters boat with Ramona in search of some sanity.

That’s how bad the Kelly situation is.

Meanwhile, Ramona is flirting with the owner of Hooters and fishing for compliments. He is more than happy to accommodate her.

Ramona is turtle-time buzzed.

She is still hot for Mario.

She is off her rocker.

Bethenny wants to fill Alex and Ramona in on the Kelly fiasco. Ramona says she is just going to shut her down.

Well, she tries to say it.

She is slurring pretty badly.

Sonja and Kelly follow Bethenny over to the Hooters boat, and Kelly is the gift that keeps on giving. She does not quit.

Sonja feels ditched and like she is always the one left to calm Kelly down. Ramona tells Kelly to be peaceful or leave, and Kelly insists she is peaceful. She says Bethenny has issues.

Kelly is out of her mind and not seeing things clearly. She is living in Kelly World.

Ramona decides they should dance and do Turtle Time for 15 minutes, and suddenly they’re dancing and declaring it the best time they’ve ever had.

Meanwhile, Sonja thinks Kelly’s room smells like cat pee.

Hmm.

So, Kelly has come out of the gate like Cuckoo-Doodle-Doo.

Check out my other Scary Island recap for more drama and chaos!