This week, in NYC, we start with Hailey and Jessel playing pickleball. The trainer explains the rules, and I totally don’t get it. If I were Hailey, I would rather get stoned than play this game.
Hailey tells us about being kicked off a college sports team for being arrested with weed. So, we have another New York Housewife with a mug shot. That makes…oh, I don’t even know how many—but it’s a lot. We have more arrestees than actual wives on this show.
Hailey brings up the Erin/Jessel fight, and they agree that Erin talks a lot of shit. Hailey says that Erin’s big mouth caused trouble for her in her relationship. Not her relationship with her husband, mind you. They have an unconventional marriage, and she is allowed to date, as long as it’s not with other men.
We get some tea on Hailey’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 drama. She insists that Kate and Jon were separated in 2009 when she became involved with Jon. She recalls being in the tabloids and called a homewrecker when she was just twenty-two.
She blames the media for her breakup with Jon. It had nothing to do with the eight kids, crazy ex-wife, or the age difference.
Hailey says she met her husband, Reuben, shortly after the breakup. She felt pushed by her mother to marry into a “safe” (i.e. wealthy) situation.
Next up, Carole bitches about gas prices to Daisy. Carole talks about her writing, and Daisy kisses her ass a little bit. Carole is still selling the one tale she ever told—about the death of her husband, his cousin, and his cousin’s wife in quick succession. We should change her name to Ranch House, cuz this chick only has one story.
Daisy asks a lot of questions about Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, and Carole answers as though she is the resident expert. She brings up Jessel’s totally inappropriate conversations at brunch last week.
I don’t like Carole, but Jessel was gauche and totally out of line to ask so many ghoulish and tacky questions.
Daisy agrees that Jessel is too much, and she is irritated with her, too. Daisy’s kid’s tutor has been hitting on her, and she is flattered, but needs to disengage. She hasn’t even told her husband, which is nutty.
She is hosting a Seder and invites Carole, who has only ever been to one before. That is kinda bananas. I thought she was so very worldly.
Later, at Daisy’s apartment, Erika and Jessel arrive. Jessel immediately criticizes her ceilings, and I hate her. I would have thrown her out the window. She’s really a rude bitch. I don’t remember disliking her this much in previous seasons, but here we are.
Daisy says she never sees her husband because he is always with his clients. Erika and Jessel have lots of questions about this and seem to insinuate there are issues in Daisy’s marriage.
Jessel brings up last week’s brunch, and suddenly we are talking about the damn dermatologist again. Literally, nobody cares.
Jessel thinks Erin is obsessed with her. I think Erin just hates her. Jessel brings up all sorts of dirt on Erin, and it’s nasty. She has clearly been doing some research, and Daisy and Erika are all ears.
At Hailey’s, she calls her mom, and they discuss whether her mom should get another breast surgery. Geezus. Hailey says she is the mom in the relationship, and that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hailey is considering joining a queer bird-watching group. Since when are birds queer? I agree with Hailey, this is a confusing suggestion.
At Erika’s, we see her super-rich husband. They are doing pizza night and are super bummed when they realize it might require some work.
They have a private island, and this is the kind of rich I like to see on Housewives. Stop with the broke-ass Housewives and show me the money.
We again hear that Erika and her husband were married at the pyramids. Like, in Egypt. That is super snazzy. Erika and her husband are trying to find a surrogate, and it has been a crazy process.
At Daisy’s, she is preparing for Seder and calls Martha—THE Martha—for cooking advice. Could you imagine having Martha Stewart on speed dial for recipes? I live for this.
Jessel and Erin meet up and immediately criticize each other’s shoes bright and early on a Saturday morning. Jessel jumps right in and thinks they need to talk about the damn dermatologist. I wish they wouldn’t.
Anyway, to sum it up, Jessel treated the doctor like shit, and Erin is spreading that around. The end.
Jessel won’t drop it, and Erin says it is more about the fact that Jessel is a snob who chases clout and does not treat people well. Jessel accuses Erin of projection, and then calls her a one-man Ponzi scheme, which makes almost no sense as an analogy, comparison, or metaphor. Housewives are SO bad at English.
Jessel goes low and tells Erin to Google herself because of all the scandals involving Erin. They both accuse each other of deflecting and start fighting about what a “bootleg Houdini” is. Jessel storms out, and they have gotten exactly nowhere.
At Daisy’s parents’ house, she is ready to finally host the Seder. Carole is first to arrive and puts a cone on top of her car so she won’t get ticketed because she is too good to park legally. She is, after all, a princess.
Daisy tells Princess Carole about her wild days as a teen growing up in the house, and the other ladies start to arrive. Erika’s ass is hanging out, and it’s just super Seder-appropriate.
Hailey tells us she was raised Jewish, but Seder is just so long. It’s not for her. Especially with Erin there.
Erin asks Erika why Hailey seems mad at her when Hailey is the one saying nasty things. Erin heard that Hailey called her boring and vanilla. I mean, she kinda is. A lot of this cast are. I miss old New York.
Jessel is two hours late, and she is officially the worst. She arrives right in time to interrupt the opening prayers, and everyone is super annoyed.
Jessel apologizes for being late, but is shady about having to come to Brooklyn. At least she brings a hostess gift, unlike Sai. I love a good hostess gift, and I don’t get nearly enough of them. Maybe it’s because I don’t like people.
Erin remembers and reflects on her dad, who has recently passed away. She misses him at Passover.
Erin tells the story of Passover and explains the blessings. Then she gets into the plagues. She assigns each of the women a plague, and this is a fun little game. Hailey gives Erin a C- for her Seder lesson.
Jessel just wants to eat and rudely asks where the food is. I don’t know how these women tolerate her.
Erin gives Hailey a jam-of-the-month membership to retaliate because Hailey said Erin is boring like jam. Geezus. These women are petty. And they are just ruining this nice little Seder.
Erin says she would rather be boring than a homewrecker who slept with a man who had eight children. Shots fired.
Maybe this season will pick up after all.
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