We start at Lisa Vanderpump’s, where Lisa has achieved an important milestone: she has gotten her American driver’s license. 

Then we cut to Camille and Taylor having lunch. Camille is planning a party at her house, and her goal is to reunite the women after all of the fighting that went down in New York. She is cautiously optimistic that everyone can put their differences aside and have a nice evening together.

And then Camille casually mentions that she has invited Allison DuBois.

Yes, that Allison DuBois—the real-life medium who inspired the television show Medium. Camille explains that Allison likes to drink, which feels like a detail we should probably file away for later.

Camille seems to know exactly what Allison is like, which makes her decision to invite her even more fascinating. She is essentially saying, “I know this woman can be a problem, but let’s put her in a room with a bunch of Housewives and see what happens.”

What could possibly go wrong?

Meanwhile, Adrienne and Paul are bickering. Apparently, one of their sons broke Paul’s nose, and Adrienne is less than concerned about her husband’s facial injury. Their marriage has its own little ecosystem of passive-aggressive exchanges.

Camille starts calling the women to invite them to the party. She even calls Kyle, despite the fact that the two of them are very much not on the best of terms.

Camille is hoping to bring everyone together and smooth things over.

Unfortunately, she has also invited Allison DuBois.

So this is less of a dinner party and more of an archaeological dig site where we are about to uncover one of the most spectacular Housewives disasters ever fossilized on film.

Kyle is getting ready for the party and gossiping about her fight with Camille in New York. She is also cautiously optimistic that tonight might actually go well.

Kyle is bringing a guest, too: Faye Resnick.

Because nothing says “let’s start fresh and heal old wounds” quite like bringing Faye Resnick to dinner.

Finally, we get to the party preparations, and this is one of my favorite parts of Housewives episodes: getting to see the ridiculous amount of work that goes into creating one of these fabulous events.

Camille’s massive Malibu estate is buzzing with activity. The house is gorgeous, the staff is preparing everything, and the whole thing looks incredibly glamorous. I love seeing this behind-the-scenes glimpse of how these women actually live and entertain.

And then we finally meet Allison DuBois.

At first, she seems…normal enough.

Which, as we now know, is an extremely temporary condition.

The ladies are drinking enormous mixed drinks, because apparently nobody involved in this evening has any interest in remaining sober enough to make good decisions.

Allison immediately starts chatting with Lisa Vanderpump and telling her about her television show and her real life as a medium. There is a little bit of bragging happening, and Lisa responds with the icy politeness of someone who has absolutely no interest in hearing about it.

Lisa is perfectly courteous.

But she is also very clearly thinking, “Who is this woman and why is she telling me all of this?”

And we are still in the calm before the storm.

The fossils have not yet begun flying.

Camille is cordial to Kyle, but the second she sees Faye, her entire expression changes. She is not pleased. The look on her face is pure disdain.

Everyone sits down at the table, and Allison is already BUZZED from the lake-sized drinks. She tells the women that she likes to “go crazy” on Saturdays and that the drinks aren’t supposed to be good. They’re supposed to be bad, but in a controlled setting.

It is confusing.

The women don’t laugh. They mostly just look confused, which makes the whole thing even funnier.

And as a psychic, couldn’t Allison have seen that joke was going to fall completely flat? Just sayin’. 

At the table, the drinks are flowing and Allison is talking about dead people, although apparently not to them. The women start debating whether they are all alphas, and we are about to find out.

The conversation turns to Faye.

Camille has clearly decided to set this up. First she pretends she doesn’t recognize Faye, and then suddenly announces, “Oh, I saw her naked in Playboy after the O.J. trial.”

It feels very calculated, and Camille looks extremely pleased with herself after saying she loved Faye’s “spread.”

She tells us that she recognizes the “morally corrupt Faye Resnick,” which is a line for the ages.

Kyle points out that Camille also did Playboy, but Camille is quick to explain that she was clothed. This launches an entire debate about whether that counts as doing Playboy.

Camille argues that she did not pose naked for Playboy after the murder of her best friend, as Faye did, and somehow this is supposed to establish Camille’s moral superiority.

Then comes the electronic cigarette.

Allison cannot put the thing down. She puffs away constantly, looking less and less like a psychic and more like an evil villain plotting the destruction of the entire dinner party.

Lisa asks Allison about her psychic gifts. Allison hints that she has already gotten readings on all of them, but she doesn’t want to discuss them because she is off the clock.

The women, particularly Kyle, keep pushing.

Kyle insists she is just curious, but she is really being a little obnoxious about it.

Then Faye, the uninvited guest who has already been publicly identified as morally corrupt, jumps in and asks Allison to read just one person.

Allison looks at her and says, “Don’t tempt me.”

Then she takes a long drag on her electronic cigarette.

Honestly, the whole scene has now become performance art.

Camille cautions the women that they may not like what Allison has to say. Kyle keeps pushing, and Allison begins hinting that Kyle might get divorced.

Kyle is adamant that this will never happen.

And then Allison delivers the line that has become one of the most infamous moments in Housewives history:

“He will never emotionally fulfill you. Know that.”

The “know that” absolutely cracks me up.

Kyle, not so much. Allison continues to say that when her kids grow up, Kyle will have nothing in common with her husband, which seems to have proven true. Season 1 Kyle, however, is MAD. 

The conversation turns to the Camille/Kyle fight in New York and Allison calls Kyle offensive. Lmao. Camille says she didn’t tell Allison anything about the fight and did not want to prejudice her against Kyle, Faye, uninvited again, chimes in to say she finds that hard to believe. 

Faye takes up for Kyle, Allison takes up for Camille, and suddenly everyone is talking at once.

It’s on.

And Allison is still puffing away on that electronic cigarette.

Kyle finally tells Allison to butt out and calls her boring.

Oh, no.

Now the drunken beast is unleashed.

Allison calls Kyle washed up. She tells Faye to take a flying leap. She is still drinking, still puffing on the e-cigarette, and I honestly did not see this coming. This woman has gone from slightly annoying dinner guest to full-blown drunken supervillain in about five minutes.

Then she tells Faye and Kyle, “You have two legs,” and tells them to leave.

LMAO.

Faye is stunned.

And I don’t know if I completely buy this. Faye has seen a lot.

Lisa and Adrienne are doing the smart thing and trying very hard not to get involved.

Then, completely out of nowhere, Kim and Taylor start fighting and yelling at each other across the table.

In Jersey, this table would have been flipped by now.

But this is Beverly Hills, so instead of flipping furniture, the women insult each other’s plastic surgery. Kim tells Taylor to go get her lips blown up some more.

Honestly, this is the Beverly Hills version of a table flip.

Eventually, the women decide it is time to leave, and they are absolutely right.

But Allison is not finished.

As Kyle is leaving, Allison makes 13-year-old-boy jerking-off motions at her and tells her she is nothing.

This shit is completely off the rails.

Then Allison says she can tell us when Kyle will die and what will happen to her family.

And it gets ugly.

The women continue fighting as they make their way toward the cars, and then, in a perfect Housewives moment, the sprinklers go off on them.

It is excellent.

I don’t know if Camille had those sprinklers timed to go off at exactly that moment, but if she did, I respect the hell out of it. Because if I had just hosted this dinner party, I would have turned those sprinklers on myself.