In a perfectly beautiful sundress, in a perfectly beautiful villa in Colombia, Bethenny is crying.
Like, she won’t stop.
She cries to Dorinda that her life is too chaotic and scheduled. Dorinda is nice to her, but admits that Bethenny has certainly not always been the most sympathetic to any of them, and sometimes that karma comes back around.
While shopping with the other women, Carole says Bethenny just has to be the center of attention.
Sonja is, as always, Team Bethenny all the way.
Dorinda and Bethenny clean Bethenny up and head out to meet the other women in town. Sonja tries to rally Dorinda to Team Bethenny, but Dorinda just seems tired of it.
She wants to keep her mouth shut and shop.
Bethenny is shopping like she is rich, because, well, she really is. Like, super rich. So why the hell not?
I would shop like that if I were a sad, rich person too.
Carole is tired of Bethenny crying all the time and says so within earshot of Bethenny. But Carole just can’t understand why Bethenny is always breaking down and finds it unnerving.
The tension between them is thick.
Everyone but Sonja seems to be over Bethenny.
Then Sonja tells Bethenny that the other women are saying Bethenny is manipulative and a taker.
Bethenny tells us she has taken Carole on a lot of free trips, but that’s about it.
Okay, Bethenny. Keep the receipts.
Sonja tells her that Carole is tired of Bethenny’s negative energy, and Bethenny immediately calls her boyfriend, Dennis.
She wants to leave.
She wants a plane.
A whole plane. Just for herself.
Bethenny works on getting herself out of Colombia while the other women head to a gorgeous lunch in town.
Bethenny and Sonja are drinking coconut juice straight from the coconut, and Luann warns them they’re going to get sick.
Bethenny is ranting a mile a minute to Dennis, but talking to him seems to calm her down. She decides to stay and heads to lunch.
Holy bipolar express, Batman.
I’m dizzy.
Once Bethenny arrives, lunch is super awkward. She manages to suck the joy out of an otherwise perfectly good-looking paella.
They head back to the house and rest up for a bit before dinner.
Bethenny bought a lot of stuff while shopping, and it’s actually fun to see. She and Sonja have some cute scenes together, and then it’s time for glam.
Carole, bizarrely, comes to Sonja’s room and gives her a pair of earrings.
These two aren’t even remotely close, so I don’t get it.
Neither does Sonja.
But she wears the earrings.
They gossip about Bethenny a bit. Carole says she doesn’t understand the tension between the two of them.
Sonja says Bethenny feels like Carole has no empathy.
I agree.
Carole is a cold fish.
They go to a beautiful restaurant and we all know that spells trouble. In the Housewives’ universe, the prettier the table, the messier the dinner.
Sonja immediately tells Bethenny about her talk with Carole.
Bethenny says she’s over it and doesn’t care.
Sure.
Everyone is drinking except Luann, Sonja, and Carole. Luann says she has no interest.
Dorinda is swilling margaritas with her bright red lipstick smeared all over her face. We get several close-ups of this.
The food comes out and looks amazing.
No one will eat.
We know this.
Dorinda and Carole leave the table to smoke, and the table immediately starts gossiping about Carole.
Carole and Dorinda come back to the table, and Carole tells Bethenny they need to address the elephant in the room because it’s affecting the whole group.
Oh, good.
Dinner is about to go exactly as well as you’d expect.
At the end of the table, Bethenny and Carole debate who is at fault for their relationship implosion.
Bethenny says she can’t do it with an audience, as if she hasn’t been fighting with women on camera for a living for a decade.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the table, Luann asks Dorinda how the margaritas are.
And all hell breaks loose.
Dorinda says, “What?”
Luann says, “Oh oh, she’s starting to turn.”
Dorinda tells her not to say that and not to start, and Luann tells her she’s being aggressive.
Dorinda wants an apology and starts getting loud.
She calls Luann an ex-countess who lost her title, then tells her to drink some more and get arrested again.
It’s ugly.
And uncalled for.
Luann can absolutely be insufferable, but her comments here were mild enough. Dorinda is just an ugly drunk at this point.
Bethenny and Carole are now digging through an archive of their texts and yelling at each other, while Dorinda is getting ready to throw hands.
The other women are sitting in the middle of the table, seemingly oblivious to the wars happening on either side of them.
Then Dorinda breaks a glass.
That gets everyone’s attention.
A stunned Luann tries to leave the table and calls Dorinda out for being unladylike.
Dorinda responds, “At least I didn’t get a mugshot over it.”
Luann looks like she has just been punched.
I feel bad for her. She thinks Dorinda is her friend, and that was just cruel.
Meanwhile, Bethenny and Carole are still sniping at each other, and suddenly Ramona Singer, of all people, wants to be the voice of reason.
She tells Dorinda she doesn’t need another drink.
This is clearly the truth.
Dorinda does not need another drink.
Like, ever.
Bethenny and Carole agree that they’re just not that into each other anymore, but naturally, they keep fighting.
Dorinda says she will never speak to Luann again.
She’s slurring, spitting, and not making much sense. Eventually, Dorinda stomps off to smoke.
Luann comes back to the table to tell the women what Dorinda said to her and announces that she’s leaving.
The women comfort her, but Dorinda comes back in nasty mode, so Luann takes off.
Then Dorinda denies saying all the things she definitely just said to Luann.
Ramona wisely gets away from Dorinda. She knows better than to be around her when she’s like this.
Oh, Christ.
Bethenny and Carole are STILL going.
Ramona tells Dorinda that her personality changes after three drinks.
Dorinda throws gang hands at her and tells her to back off and shut her mouth.
Was she drinking red wine, or is that really Dorinda’s lipstick all over her face?
Carole hugs Bethenny, tells her she loves her, and walks away.
Bethenny cries some more. She says it is the worst vacation of her life. Carole feels like Bethenny gaslights her. They all go home.
And the Colombian Dinner Party from Hell is over.
But the night has just begun.
On the ride home, Dorinda goes on and on about what a hypocrite Luann is about drinking now that she has been sober for five minutes.
They agree that Luann is self-righteous, but everyone except Dorinda feels badly that she was crying.
Dorinda says she should cry.
Dorinda is mean.
Back at the house, Bethenny is walking the courtyards with a light-up balloon. Because apparently we’ve entered a very emotional Colombian birthday party.
She goes to Luann’s room, and Luann is crying.
She feels like Dorinda’s true feelings about her came out, and she’s really hurt.
Bethenny comforts Luann, because Bethenny is actually very nice to Luann when she doesn’t have any other friends to fight with.
Downstairs, Dorinda is drinking with that damn lipstick all over her face, trying to light cigarette after cigarette.
Bethenny tells Luann about Dorinda’s drunken dinner the night before they went to Puerto Rico and says she thinks Dorinda has a drinking problem.
Then the conversation turns back to Carole.
And I want to rip my hair out.
They are beating this shit to death.
We cut back to Dorinda drinking at the table.
She looks and sounds completely ripped.
Carole suggests she take a swim, and honestly, it’s a good idea.
As long as it’s supervised.
Now, suddenly, Dorinda feels badly about what she said to Luann.
But she insists—and slurs—that she deserves an apology.
She is incoherent, and it’s uncomfortable to watch. She tries to make some point about heroin addicts and Luann, but at this point it’s just word salad.
Bethenny comes down to the table and finally wipes the lipstick off Dorinda’s face.
Dorinda tries to light more cigarettes.
She drops them instead.
At this point, the margaritas have clearly won.
And the wine.
Bethenny encourages Dorinda to make it nice with Luann in the morning, and Dorinda seems to agree.
But then she tells us Bethenny should mind her own business because her own friendships are always fucked up.
Fair enough.
Colombia is off to a rocking start.
We already have a busted-up Ramona, fractured friendships, and broken glass.
Check back for Part 3!
