Well, Orange County has officially reached the point where a friendship can be purchased with a designer handbag, a vibrator, and apparently a vague promise of employment. Welcome to Episode 5, where Carmella continues to confuse the ladies, Gina continues to investigate, Vicki’s intuition has apparently been activated by the Holy Spirit, and Heather Dubrow discovers that being told to stop talking is somehow a deeply traumatic experience.
Let’s begin with Vicki, who is on a mission to shed her newly acquired Debbie Downer reputation. After all, nothing says carefree and fun quite like repeatedly announcing that you’re carefree and fun. Vicki meets Jenn for facials, where she makes a point of explaining that she’s never been called a Debbie Downer. She is, in fact, very excited about life. We believe you, Vicki. Nobody has ever been more excited about proving that she’s not miserable.
The conversation turns to Carmella, and Jenn reveals that Carmella has offered her an opportunity to work on real estate development projects. Vicki immediately activates her internal fraud detection system. She insists Carmella isn’t a developer, questions her qualifications, and warns Jenn to stay in her lane. She even predicts that Carmella will eventually approach Ryan for investment money. Vicki has a red flag, icky gut, and apparently a crystal ball.
Jenn, meanwhile, seems genuinely interested in the opportunity. She’s looking to learn something new and potentially earn her own money. But Vicki isn’t interested in entertaining the possibility that Carmella might actually know what she’s doing. This is going to be a long relationship.
Emily visits Carmella and brings up Vicki’s accusations. Carmella is understandably irritated, explaining that she’s been developing properties for nearly a decade. She also explains what Jenn would actually be doing: helping select tiles and design elements, with a proposed payment of $20,000. Emily finds the number rather arbitrary, wondering where Carmella came up with it. Apparently, even the employment offer needs a little more documentation before it passes the Emily Simpson deposition process.
Emily does seem to admire Carmella’s independence and entrepreneurial spirit, though. She describes her as a hustler who enjoys making her own money. And honestly, there’s something refreshing about a woman who doesn’t need to wait around for someone else to finance her interests. Whether this particular opportunity turns into anything remains to be seen.
Then Emily asks Carmella whether she has any criminal history. Because apparently that’s a perfectly normal question to ask while visiting a friend.
Carmella confirms that she does have a conviction, explaining that when she was around twenty, she was involved in an altercation with a woman who had previously dated her then-boyfriend. The incident happened at an Ohio bar, where Carmella was dancing on a stripper pole when the woman began arguing with her. Things escalated, and a friend of the woman threw a drink at Carmella’s face. Carmella says she was found not guilty of assault but was convicted of violating a temporary restraining order after refusing to leave when the two women were at the same location.
Well, that’s certainly one way to introduce yourself to the neighborhood. Carmella seems fairly matter-of-fact about the incident, saying it was a lesson learned. Emily, for her part, seems almost impressed. Meanwhile, Vicki’s icky gut is probably doing cartwheels somewhere.
Over at the Dubrow residence, Heather is still processing her interaction with Emily at Tamra’s party. Apparently, Emily’s decision to tell Jenn that Heather had called her obsessed, followed by Emily telling Heather to stop talking, has left Fancy Pants emotionally devastated.
Heather meets Gina, Shannon, and Vicki for dinner and explains that she barely slept because of what happened. She becomes emotional discussing the situation, insisting that Emily presented the conversation without context and then silenced her when she tried to explain herself.
Gina agrees that Emily was harsh and finds herself in the uncomfortable position of having to hold one friend accountable while supporting another. Gina has become something of a friendship mediator this season, which is a dangerous position for anyone who wants to enjoy a peaceful dinner.
But let’s consider the actual offense here. Heather Dubrow, a woman who has never met a conversation she couldn’t dominate, was told to stop talking. The horror. The indignity. Somebody alert the architecture committee.
Meanwhile, Gina is also becoming increasingly uncomfortable with Carmella’s relationship with Emily. She meets Tamra for a walk, and the two discuss the extravagant birthday gift. Gina still cannot wrap her head around the fact that Carmella gave Emily a Dior handbag and a vibrator after barely knowing her.
And frankly, it’s a fair question. Most people start a new friendship with coffee or lunch. Carmella apparently starts with luxury goods and sexual accessories. There is no introductory friendship package quite like this one.
Tamra also reveals that Carmella has offered Jenn a role in an upcoming development project. Gina finds this suspicious, particularly given her existing questions about Carmella’s intentions. Tamra suggests that Gina may be jealous of Carmella, which is an interesting interpretation of someone questioning why a near-stranger is handing out expensive presents and employment opportunities.
Next up is Vicki’s winery gathering, which is apparently intended to showcase her fun, positive, non-Debbie-Downer personality. Unfortunately, the guest list has a little problem: Carmella wasn’t invited.
Tamra, however, has invited her anyway. When Tamra arrives and tells Vicki that Carmella is coming, Vicki makes her feelings perfectly clear. She thinks Carmella is a liar and doesn’t particularly want her there. Vicki also manages to tell Carmella that they’ve only met-ish, despite having encountered her twice before. A beautiful little display of hospitality from our resident insurance enthusiast.
Carmella arrives with vodka, which is probably a wise decision given the company she’s keeping.
The conversation eventually turns back to Heather and Emily. Heather explains that Emily hurt her feelings by telling her to be quiet. Emily maintains that she gets interrupted all the time and isn’t going to apologize for standing up for herself. Gina tries to explain Heather’s perspective, but Emily tells her she doesn’t need Gina jumping in.
Gina takes that personally, and suddenly we have another friendship casualty. Gina tells Emily that the comment hurt her feelings, which is fair enough. At this point, the women need a traffic controller just to manage who is allowed to speak to whom.
Emily eventually apologizes to Heather, but naturally, the peace doesn’t last long. The conversation circles back to Carmella’s birthday gift.
Gina explains that what bothered her wasn’t simply the price of the Dior bag. It was the entire situation. Carmella had repeatedly encouraged Emily to open her gifts at the party, and then Emily discovered that a woman she barely knew had given her a designer handbag and a vibrator. Gina finds the combination bizarre and questions the motivation behind it.
Carmella explains that she thought Emily would appreciate the humor and that she simply wanted to do something nice. She admits that she probably wouldn’t have given the vibrator had she known it would create so much chaos. But the intention, she insists, was innocent.
Gina isn’t convinced. She wonders whether Carmella enjoys displaying her wealth and buying people’s affection. Carmella suggests that Gina should have simply called her privately rather than discussing her with the entire group.
Gina points out the rather significant logistical problem with that suggestion: she doesn’t have Carmella’s phone number.
Let that sink in. Carmella bought Emily a Dior bag and a vibrator before establishing a direct line of communication with Gina. We have entered a new era of friendship economics.
Gina also reveals that Vicki has been calling Carmella a liar and questioning her business credentials. Carmella is understandably irritated that Vicki has been discussing her behind her back, particularly when she insists that she is both a real estate agent and a broker, as well as an investor.
Interestingly, Gina acknowledges that Carmella is doing something she herself would like to do. She wants to become more involved in real estate investment and development. Perhaps there’s a little admiration mixed in with all that suspicion after all.
Eventually, Gina apologizes to Carmella, and the women toast their newest Housewife. Whether the apology means the questions are finished is another matter entirely. In Orange County, a toast is generally just a temporary ceasefire.
Elsewhere, we get a little more insight into the personal lives of the women. Tamra has a conversation with Sophia about marriage, while Shannon seeks some life advice from her father. These quieter family moments provide a break from the Carmella courtroom proceedings, although the main event is clearly happening over at the winery.
And that brings us to the central mystery of this episode: Is Carmella genuinely generous, or is there something more complicated happening behind the designer gifts and business opportunities?
Gina is suspicious. Vicki is practically preparing a federal investigation. Emily seems willing to give Carmella the benefit of the doubt, and Tamra is enjoying the spectacle while occasionally throwing in a suggestion that Gina might be jealous.
Personally, I think the most entertaining part of this entire situation is that Carmella has managed to become the center of the group’s attention without having to do much more than buy a handbag, purchase a sex toy, and offer someone a job.
That’s efficient Housewifery.
And Vicki, our newly rebranded ray of sunshine, has spent an entire winery gathering explaining why she doesn’t trust the new girl. So much for leaving Debbie Downer behind.
Final Jurassic Verdict: Carmella is proving to be a fascinating addition to the prehistoric population. Gina has questions, Vicki has suspicions, Emily has a new handbag, and Heather has apparently suffered an emotional injury from being asked to stop talking. The dinosaur enclosure is officially open, and somebody should probably hide the credit cards and the bedroom accessories before the next gathering.
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