Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives

RHOBH, Season 9, Episode 8–Showdown at Villa Rosa: Goodbye, Kyle!

August 29, 2026

We are still knee-deep in the never-ending Puppy Gate story. Teddi has admitted her part in everything, and now Radar Online has broken the story. Everyone, of course, thinks LVP is behind this.

The episode opens with Denise and Aaron going through their wedding presents. I would have thought, or hoped, these ladies gifted cash, but I guess not. Denise gets a lot of candles and blankets. Is there a recession in Beverly Hills?

Over at Vanderpump Dogs, LVP and Ken are filming a spot for the Puppy Bowl with their dogs. Say what you want about Lisa Vanderpump (like, literally, say it in the comments section), but I really admire the work that she does for dogs. They celebrate a bill being passed in Congress that would condemn the dog meat trade all over the world. The vote is the next day, and Lisa is very excited about it.

Vanderpump Dogs is also hosting a cycling event the next day, and Teddi is running it, so that’s awkward considering LVP and Teddi are currently at complete odds.

Over at Teddi’s, Dorit calls her to discuss the Radar Online article. Dorit thinks LVP is behind it, and of course, so does Teddi. Dorit is blindsided, as she just saw Vanderpump at Denise’s wedding and everything seemed fine. Teddi wonders if LVP will even come to the cycling event.

At the event, no one from Vanderpump Dogs seems to be present, and Teddi is miffed. All of the other women arrive, and a representative from Vanderpump Dogs finally shows up. Lisa Vanderpump is nowhere in sight, despite telling Teddi she would be there.

Rinna immediately brings up the Radar Online article. Teddi and Rinna rally around Dorit, which is funny because they don’t like her all that much.

Meanwhile, LVP is busy hosting a party at Vanderpump Dogs to watch the anticipated passing of Bill 401, which would ban the dog meat trade. This, clearly, and in my opinion correctly, is more important to her than the cycling event.

The women do their cycling thing and head off to lunch. Boy, I wonder what they will discuss?

Teddi is wearing a dumb blue hat.

Kyle reveals that Lisa Vanderpump actually hosted the Bill 401 event instead of coming to Teddi’s event. The women don’t see why she couldn’t have done both, and find the whole thing suspect.

The bill passes and everyone at Vanderpump Dogs is super excited and celebrating. I would definitely rather be at that party than the cycling event. Just saying.

Dorit brings up the frikkin’ article and says she knows Lisa fed the story. Kyle also says she has seen the news everywhere. Kyle tries to defend LVP, but no one will let her.

They are positive Lisa is behind it and think the whole thing is indefensible. Rinna thinks Kyle and LVP have a weird relationship. She says even the wording of the article sounds like Lisa, and claims Lisa has actually told her how to leak articles in the past.

The women grill Kyle on whether she has ever known LVP to leak stories, and she says she has no proof, but admits she has thought it before. Dorit says she hasn’t spoken to LVP since the article came out, and doesn’t intend to do so. Dorit feels bullied.

This whole conversation goes on forever, and I am dog-tired.

The next day, Kyle goes over to Villa Rosa to fill LVP in on what the women are saying. LVP spoke to TMZ and defended Dorit, and everyone thinks is is just more manipulation to cover her ass. Kyle is wearing a dumb red hat.

Over at Rinna’s, Harry is planning for a long camping trip. No comment. Let’s talk about the husband, right?

Rinna says camping is not her jam, and I am with her on this. I once dated a guy who asked me to go camping in the Jersey Pine Barrens. Like, where the Sopranos used to leave bodies. I never saw him again.

When Kyle arrives at Villa Rosa, LVP is over the moon and can’t wait to tell her about the passing of Bill 401. The ponies are peaceful, Giggy is snoozing, the swans are gliding on the moat, and everything is just perfect, right?

Wrong.

Here comes Hurricane Kyle to rain on LVP’s parade.

They have some wine, and Vanderpump asks about the cycling event. Kyle fills her in on what everyone is saying about the Radar Online article.

Uh oh. Here comes Ken with Giggy.

Ken is keeping an eagle eye on this entire conversation.

Kyle says that Lisa is the only one who would benefit from the article, and that Kyle is in a bad position. She wants to defend Lisa but feels like she can’t in this situation.

Both LVP and Ken are shocked that Kyle doesn’t believe them and thinks LVP would leak the story. Kyle admits all the women are saying it, and that she believes it, too.

Ken is getting red in the face. He tells Kyle she is not Lisa’s friend, and even Lisa can’t calm him down. We see flashbacks of all the times Kyle has failed to stick up for Lisa.

Lisa swears she hasn’t done anything wrong. She swears on her children and Giggy, and prepares to storm off.

Kyle says maybe LVP cares more about her image than her friendships, and Lisa tells her to see her damn self out.

Kyle is still wearing the dumb hat.

Ken gets in her face and starts going on about how kind and genuine his wife is. He points in Kyle’s face and says again that she is not Lisa’s friend and is a fucking liar. He tells her to get out.

LVP hears all the commotion and comes in to try to calm Ken down, but it isn’t possible. Hell hath no fury like a man defending his wife.

They tell Kyle their twelve years of friendship is over.

As they go upstairs, leaving Kyle to show herself out, Ken lets out a Jurassic “GOODBYE, KYLE!”

It’s definitely iconic, and worth digging up and excavating.

What do you all think? Was Kyle right, or is she as lousy a friend as she is a sister?
RHOBH, Season 9, Episode 4–Bahama Drama

August 29, 2026

In the Bahamas, Dorit revisits the Lucy drama. Lucy Lucy Apple Juice was a dog Dorit adopted from Vanderpump Dogs. After Lucy started biting her children and PK, Dorit decided the dog wasn’t a good fit for her family and rehomed her instead of returning her to Vanderpump Dogs, which was against the rescue’s policy. The new owner eventually surrendered Lucy to a shelter, where Vanderpump Dogs was contacted because Lucy was microchipped. Lucy is now fine and has a new home, but the whole situation has become the root of Puppy Gate, and Dorit is getting major backlash now that the story is public.

LVP denies being the one who leaked the story, but everyone thinks it came from someone in her camp. Teddi is feeling manipulated into going against Dorit in the whole situation, which is a pretty convenient position to be in considering she willingly participated in bringing the dog drama back up. Me thinks Little Miss Accountability should take some right about now.

LVP feels like everyone is against her and believes they have already decided she was behind the leak, whether she actually did it or not.

Dorit calls Denise to go snorkeling, while Erika wants to golf and LVP and Kyle plan to shop. Camille, Denise, Rinna, and Dorit decide to exercise together, because nothing says vacation workout like an exercise bike and a daiquiri.

Fun fact: I write these recaps while I’m on the exercise bike, so I feel personally attacked by this scene. I’ve also lost seven pounds since Jurassic Snark went live. This dinosaur is shrinking. Thanks, guys!

Teddi and Erika go golfing, and although the two haven’t exactly been besties, they actually seem to enjoy themselves. Miracles do happen.

Meanwhile, Rinna, Dorit, Camille, and Denise hit the boat for some snorkeling. Dorit says she feels like she’s been run over by a truck, which seems appropriate considering how much drama she’s carrying around.

Denise asks whether Dorit ever told LVP about the problems she was having with Lucy. Unfortunately, Dorit didn’t say anything until after the dog had already been given away, never giving Vanderpump Dogs the chance to step in and handle the situation. And that little detail is pretty important, considering the entire Puppy Gate mess could have been avoided if Dorit had simply gone back to the rescue in the first place.

Camille thinks Dorit should have told LVP about Lucy, and I agree. That was Vanderpump Dogs’ policy, but it was also the most logical thing for Dorit to do. If the dog wasn’t working out, why not give the rescue that placed her with you a chance to handle it?

Meanwhile, LVP and Kyle hit the shops. Kyle is considering buying a Rolex after all of her jewelry was stolen during the recent burglary at her house, while LVP is clearly not in much of a shopping mood. She didn’t sleep at all the night before, and Kyle agrees that it was not exactly a fun night. LVP just wants the whole situation to be over and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, which is going to be a problem considering these women have absolutely no intention of letting it go.

Erika and Teddi also discuss Puppy Gate and both feel like LVP is being deceitful. They think this was a well-orchestrated plan to punish Dorit, with Teddi getting pulled into the middle of it by employees at Vanderpump Dogs who brought her the information about Lucy.

Teddi believes Lisa is behind the whole thing and says she doesn’t want to be used as a pawn. Which is a little ironic, considering she kind of already has been. She willingly took the information, ran with it, and is now realizing she may have been part of someone else’s plan. Girl, the pawn has already been moved. Erika encourages Teddi to confront LVP.

Back at the hotel, LVP and Kyle settle into a private cabana, where they meet some adorable baby flamingos. Finally, a storyline we can all get behind.

They eventually rehash the dinner fight from the night before, when it felt like the entire group had turned against LVP. Kyle tells her that Teddi feels like she was set up by LVP. LVP says her employees were wrong to bring the Lucy situation up with Teddi in the first place and claims she has reprimanded them.

The problem is, none of the other women believe that was a rogue employee situation. They think LVP told the staff to spill the beans in the first place, allowing her to punish Dorit while keeping her own hands clean. And now we have entered the part of Puppy Gate where everybody has a completely different version of what happened.

All of the women get ready to meet for dinner, and I’m imagining some shit will go down there. Before that happens, LVP asks to speak to Teddi alone, so Teddi heads to her room.

Teddi asks if LVP called her up there to apologize, but LVP wants an explanation. Teddi says she was repeatedly told that LVP wanted the puppy story out there, and she says she has proof. LVP insists that isn’t true, so Teddi pulls out her phone and shows her the text messages that she says back up her story.

At this point, we have officially entered the “whose receipts are more receipty?” portion of Puppy Gate.

Teddi storms off and goes straight to Dorit, telling her that she believes Dorit did nothing wrong. She also makes it clear that she is done being LVP’s pawn. Which is a pretty bold declaration from someone who has spent the entire episode explaining how she got pulled into this mess in the first place.

Teddi then finds Kyle and is still absolutely furious with LVP. Meanwhile, LVP goes to Dorit to give her side of the story. At this point, both sides are busy making their case and gathering allies before they sit down to dinner.

At dinner, Teddi is shooting daggers at LVP, and Erika immediately picks up on the tension. Throughout the conversation, LVP and Teddi keep making eyes at each other, and not in a sexy way. LVP feels about as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool.

Meanwhile, Kyle’s Rolex arrives and is delivered right to the table. Now that is service. Honestly, I wish this episode had more luxury and less stupid fighting.

The women toast Dorit for planning the trip, and Camille says she hopes Dorit and LVP can work everything out. Teddi admits she is upset and still doesn’t feel good about everything that has happened with LVP.

Dorit tells Teddi that she believes everything Teddi has said, and LVP immediately bristles at what she sees as Dorit’s lack of loyalty.

LVP decides to leave the table, as no one is speaking to her anyway. She has a 4 am flight and is, frankly, over it.

Kyle goes after LVP at the table, while Big Mouth Rinna tries to stir the pot even more. Rinna says she has been manipulated by LVP in the past, too. These women are acting like LVP is some sort of Svengali who has them all dancing around to her every command. I don’t get it, but whatever.

Denise admits she doesn’t understand the whole thing, which honestly makes two of us. Teddi insists she has proof of what LVP has done and, once again, whips out her text messages. At this point, Teddi’s phone deserves its own seat at the dinner table.

Kyle comes back to the table, and Rinna tells her she needs to admit that LVP lies and manipulates people. Kyle wants absolutely no part of it. She says she accepts Lisa Vanderpump for who she is, and she isn’t interested in joining the group pile-on.

Denise’s spidey sense tells her to stay the hell out of the whole thing and, more importantly, to never cross LVP. Honestly, smart woman.

Back in her room, LVP tries to call Ken, but no one can hear her over all the barking at her house. Her housekeeper eventually hangs up on her, which is honestly one of the funniest moments of the episode. Even the household staff has apparently had enough.

We see LVP and Kyle head out for their flight at 4:30 a.m. Kyle is exhausted and hungover, while LVP is still pissed off about everything that happened. Kyle is in absolutely no shape to hear another word about Puppy Gate, and at this point, I feel exactly the same way.

The other women wake up and head to Dorit’s room for breakfast. Everyone is all dressed up except Denise, who apparently didn’t get the memo. They all agree they partied a little too late the night before, but had a great time at the hotel club. Still, they woke up feeling pretty sad about how dinner went. Dorit is still trying to process everything.

They pack up and head back to Beverly Hills, where LVP is peacefully ensconced at Villa Rosa, playing with her ponies. She tells Ken how let down she feels by the other women, and she breaks down crying. We can immediately see that Ken does NOT like seeing his wife upset.

And then Ken reveals that he has receipts of his own. He has printed out all of the texts between his employees and Teddi, and according to him, they show that Teddi actually set up the whole Puppy Gate reveal.

I will never understand why these women put so much incriminating shit in writing. Say it, forget it. Text it, regret it, bitches.

And that brings us to the big question: Who the hell is actually responsible for Puppy Gate? Was LVP pulling the strings from behind the scenes, did her employees go rogue, or did Teddi walk willingly into a setup and then decide she was the victim?

So, what do we think about this fossil? Who is responsible for Puppy Gate?
RHOBH, Season 4, Episode 14–The Birthday Witch: Witchy Poo Vs. Kyle

August 29, 2026

We start at Villa Blanca, where Lisa is meeting with Kevin Lee to plan Ken and Mauricio’s joint birthday party. Kyle arrives, and the two of them start debating what they want the party to look like, because apparently even a birthday party needs a full production meeting.

They also go over the guest list. Yolanda’s stepdaughter’s wedding is the same night, so Yolanda won’t be attending. Interestingly, Lisa isn’t invited to that wedding, which feels like a fairly significant detail considering she and Yolanda are supposedly friends.

They agree to invite Carlton, and Kyle says they’ve made peace. Sure.

Meanwhile, Brandi is doing a cover shoot for her second book. I actually read it, and I didn’t like it nearly as much as the first one. Brandi was one of my favorites for a long time, but eventually her whole schtick started to get old for me. I know I’m probably in the minority here, but eventually I just got tired of it.

Carlton meets Joyce for lunch, and Joyce tells her that she believes Carlton put a curse on her husband. Because apparently we have now reached the point in Beverly Hills where lunch comes with accusations of witchcraft.

Here’s the thing: I can’t stand Carlton, but even I think this is a horrible storyline. Whatever you think about someone’s religion or spiritual beliefs, going after them because of those beliefs feels gross to me. It’s not for me, but neither is Joyce.

And speaking of Joyce, I once saw her at PUMP with Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa was friendly and sweet, while Joyce mostly just flipped her hair around. I do miss PUMP, though. It was beautiful.

Kim and her daughter, Kimberly, get matching tattoos. And I know this is probably terrible of me to say, but Kim just isn’t that interesting when she isn’t causing trouble. I want to root for her, but the quieter, happier Kim doesn’t exactly make for riveting television. Give me Kim wandering into a disaster over Kim getting a tattoo any day.

Yolanda is helping Gigi Hadid pack up for college, which we now know she doesn’t end up finishing. I mean, she doesn’t really need to. She’s a supermodel and has Bradley Cooper. That should be enough for any girl.

The two of them are apparently frequently hanging out in a town down the street from me, and oh, how I long to randomly run into Bradley. I would like to think I would handle it with dignity, but honestly, I make no promises.

Back at Villa Blanca, Kevin Lee is helping Lisa get everything ready for the birthday party. Her puppy, Rumpy, is adorable, but is also wreaking absolute havoc.

They go over the seating arrangements, and Lisa proceeds to blow right past pretty much all of Kyle’s suggestions, with Kevin happily backing her up. Kyle can offer her opinions, but Lisa and Kevin have clearly already decided that Kyle’s opinions are more of a decorative feature than something they actually need to consider.

The setup for the party looks incredible. We know this means trouble. The prettier the table, the worse the fight, right? That’s a Housewives tradition.

The Vanderpump Rules girls are there, as well as some of the bartenders. Season 4 was still big on promoting the show, so we get a lot of these crossovers.

Carlton arrives and announces that she is allergic to drama. I have a feeling she came to the wrong place. Better grab some Zyrtec.

Carlton goes on to tell us that she had a dream that Kyle was talking shit about her, and then one of her friends supposedly overheard Kyle doing just that at Carlton’s party a couple of weeks ago. Carlton plans to keep her distance.

At Kyle’s husband’s party? That sounds like a solid plan.

Scheana, the SUR server who slept with Brandi’s husband, is there, showing off her new engagement ring. Lisa asks Brandi if she will talk to Scheana about getting married, and it is one of the most absurd and awful things I have ever seen. Like, what the fuck? This is clearly Lisa trying to set up a scene to promote her spinoff, and I don’t blame Brandi for being pissed.

As usual, Kim can’t make it, but the party goes on, complete with some really weird water dancers wandering around. They don’t even get in the water, and they aren’t very good, so whatever.

The guests finally sit down for dinner, and everything seems copacetic. Ken gives a little speech, followed by Lisa and Kyle. It’s filler. Let’s get to the fight.

Brandi is shocked that Kyle and Lisa are friends again, and the whole thing rings false to her.

A guitar player comes out and sings a song he wrote for Mauricio and Ken. It’s terrible. I can’t help but wonder how much that cost.

Scheana continues flaunting her engagement ring in Brandi’s face, and Brandi handles it really gracefully, in my opinion. I would have made her swallow it. She is probably good at that.

At the table, Carlton is shooting Kyle glares while Kyle jokes about “Jewish” dances. Um. Anyhow.

Jason and Pandora present Ken with a portrait of Giggy, and Kyle starts joking about Lisa’s nipples. Kyle then demands that Lisa explain the joke to Carlton, who took offense at it earlier. She repeatedly refers to Carlton as “her,” which I agree is rude.

Kyle thinks Carlton is just looking for trouble, but says they have worked through their issues. Carlton says they absolutely have not and brings up what Kyle said at Carlton’s party. Evidently, Kyle called Carlton’s bathroom “gross.”

I mean, people were practically banging in the pool at that party, so maybe it was? I dunno. It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but Witchy Poo is fired up.

Kyle says that this is her husband’s birthday party and she doesn’t want conflict, and Carlton says she doesn’t care. Kyle says she has been nothing but fucking nice. Carlton calls her passive-aggressive.

I kind of can’t believe Mauricio just sits there. I understand not wanting to get involved, but my husband would have kicked this witch out by now. He wouldn’t let Carlton speak to me like this.

The conversation goes back to Lisa’s nipple, and while Kyle asks Carlton to be quiet so she can explain, Carlton bellows, “Don’t you dare command me.”

It’s very witchy, and not in a fun Practical Magic kind of way.

There is a lot more nipple talk. They start talking about the necklace Kyle gave Carlton, and Carlton says she is cleansing it of Kyle’s energy. At this point, I’m wondering why Carlton even came to this party. Oh, yeah. The paycheck.

Oh, no. Carlton is also mad that Kyle thought her Wiccan tattoo was a Jewish star. Kyle tells Carlton that if she doesn’t want to be judged for being Wiccan, she should stop acting like a witch.

Mauricio is still just sitting there. I think he is stoned.

Uh-oh. Here we go. Kyle calls Carlton antisemitic. This shit is serious. If Kyle really thinks this, how could she have invited Carlton to her party in the first place? I don’t like Carlton one bit, but this is a very serious charge, and it feels like the fight has suddenly gone from Housewives nonsense to something much more serious.

The two finally move away from each other. Carlton’s husband, David, wants to leave, and Kyle tries to get the last word, but Carlton and David leave the party. Lisa goes after them, and Carlton is furious.

She wants to go home and make a little Kyle doll for her altar, if she doesn’t have one already.

So, what do we think? Who won this Jurassic battle: Kyle or Carlton?
RHONY, Season 10, Episode 9– Holidazed and Confused: More Bezerkshires

August 28, 2026

We’re at Dorinda’s Berkshires house, where she is hosting a 1920s murder mystery dinner because apparently a normal dinner party is too easy. Everyone is dressed for the occasion, and somehow this is still going to turn into a real-life murder mystery.

At dinner, Bethenny and Carole start getting into the disconnect in their relationship. They both feel like the other one won’t let them speak, which is a particularly hilarious complaint considering neither of them seems capable of letting the other finish a sentence.

Carole tells Bethenny that she talks too much, while Bethenny accuses Carole of whining, which is just objectively true. Carole keeps interrupting Bethenny, proving Bethenny’s point while simultaneously complaining that Bethenny talks too much.

Eventually, Bethenny gets up and walks away from the table, but Dorinda tries to coax her back because apparently the murder mystery cannot proceed until everyone has completed the murder of each other’s patience.

Then Adam, Carole’s off-again/on-again boyfriend, shows up. Bethenny had wanted his help with her Puerto Rico charity efforts, but Adam wanted to be paid for his work. Bethenny thinks this is tacky, while Carole immediately goes into full defense mode for her boy toy.

Bethenny thinks Adam is an operator. A very drunk Luann mutters that nobody gives a shit about Adam, and honestly, she has a point. Carole immediately tells Luann that nobody cares what she thinks, which is a bold strategy considering Luann is now drunk enough to say exactly what she thinks.

Luann goes off about Adam being some little boy from the Midwest who dated her niece before dumping her for Carole. It’s vicious, but also seems to be a fairly accurate summary of the situation.

Then Carole drops a little bomb: Bethenny called Luann a loser.

Luann is understandably offended, while Bethenny is absolutely furious that Carole revealed this. She calls Carole’s revelation a betrayal, at a volume that suggests the 1920s murder mystery has officially become secondary to an actual murder.

Luann declares that if she’s a loser, then the rest of the world is fucked, which is certainly one way to respond to criticism.

Dorinda attempts to restore peace, but within seconds she is shouting too. Luann tells her to back off, and then, in one of the most bizarre developments of the evening, sits on Dorinda’s lap.

This shit is officially off the rails.

Bethenny insists that it is impossible to talk to Carole, which she demonstrates by shrieking over everyone while trying to talk to Carole. She tells Carole to stop acting seven.

Then Bethenny admits that she has often thought Luann was a loser, but she isn’t actually sure she ever said it.

LMAO. So we’ve gone from “Carole betrayed me by revealing something I said” to “I may have said it, but I don’t remember saying it.”

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Luann gets in Bethenny’s face and she doesn’t care what Bethenny has face. Bethenny tells her she has lipstick on her face, and then they are laughing. These New York broads move fast, let me tell you.

Carole stomps off to bitch to Ramona and Tinsley, while Bethenny decides that her friendship with Carole is seriously fractured. Ramona promptly puts her big butt right in the middle of the situation, and Bethenny accuses her of thriving on drama.

Which is a pretty rich accusation in this group. Don’t they all?

Just when things seem like they couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Dorinda brings out her birthday cake in an attempt to lighten the mood. She promptly smashes her face into it.

The only problem? The candles are still lit.

Dorinda ends up burning her hair, because of course she does.

At least that isn’t the strangest thing to happen in the Berkshires, right?

By 9:20 p.m. — my God, I thought it was the middle of the night — Dorinda is wrestling an elf onesie away from a completely naked Bethenny, while Luann and Sonja are dancing and dry humping each other downstairs.

Because this is a normal evening in the Berkshires.

Bethenny overhears Carole talking about her and has finally had enough of this whole circle jerk. The two of them sit down alone and rehash their dinner conversation, trying once again to figure out what the hell is happening to their friendship.

Meanwhile, the other women are downstairs having a bawdy dance party.

It is beyond absurd, but I’m not going to lie: I kind of want to be there.

The next morning, Luann, Sonja and Bethenny wake up in the fish room. Luann needs a spa, while Bethenny needs Betty Ford.

Despite the previous night’s complete descent into madness, everyone is actually in a pretty good mood. They have somehow managed to scream at each other, nearly destroy multiple friendships, get naked, dry hump, set Dorinda’s hair on fire, and still wake up ready to carry on with their lives.

These women are some tough bitches.

Bethenny leaves first, and as the women gradually trickle out of Bluestone Manor, Dorinda declares the weekend a success.

And you know what? By Berkshires standards, she’s right.

Back in the city, we are at Sonja’s townhouse where she is getting the place ready to rent. The contractor arrives, and there is a lot of work to be done. Sonja had sex on one of the sinks in the staffroom, so that is gonna need some work.

Back at Bethenny’s place, she’s hosting a holiday get-together, complete with approximately every Skinnygirl product that could possibly fit inside one enormous loft.

Sonja arrives looking fantastic and announces that she is allergic to all the construction going on at her townhouse, so she needs to stay with Tinsley for a few days. Carole arrives, and there is still plenty of tension between her and Bethenny after everything that went down in the Berkshires.

The women have a white elephant gift exchange, and things seem relatively pleasant until Ramona mentions that she is starting her own skincare line. Bethenny immediately jumps on her for turning the gift exchange into an infomercial.

The other women point out that this is a recurring problem with Bethenny. They feel like she doesn’t support their business ventures, while they are expected to support every single one of hers.

Uh oh. Here we go.

THE NUTCRACKER arrives.

Dorinda helped Bethenny track down a huge, hard-to-find Nutcracker for her daughter, and Bethenny is genuinely thrilled. Unfortunately, Dorinda doesn’t feel like she gets an adequate thank-you for her efforts.

And thus begins the Nutcracker saga, which will somehow become A Whole Thing and continue for several episodes.

The women start discussing their plans for New Year’s, and suddenly, it’s about Tom.

Luann is planning to visit Palm Beach, and the last time she was there was for her wedding. Bethenny then casually drops the bomb that Tom has a girlfriend.

Luann looks visibly pained for a moment, but quickly dismisses it as history.

After Carole leaves, Bethenny says she seemed sad. The other women say Carole is just tired. Bethenny thinks she is lonely, but she probably shouldn’t be saying this to Ramona, of all people.

At Luann’s Red Cross event, the women arrive ready to donate blood, only to discover that none of them can because they’ve traveled recently.

Sonja, however, treats the blood drive like a cocktail party. She circulates around the room, chatting with everyone and occasionally sitting on the lap of an actual blood donor.

Because why not?

She and Ramona somehow end up discussing their poop, for reasons I cannot fathom, before Sonja drops a little piece of gossip on Carole: Bethenny said she thinks Carole seems sad and lonely.

This is going to go over wonderfully.

Then, because apparently the Nutcracker cannot be contained, it comes up again. Dorinda is still pissed that Bethenny didn’t properly appreciate the gift, and the women proceed to go hard on Bethenny, with Carole leading the charge.

Carole questions Ramona about Bethenny’s comments that she is “sad” and “lonely,” and then explains that Bethenny is actually talking about herself because she can’t build or maintain friendships.

She also calls Bethenny out for giving Ramona a hard time about her skincare line.

Carole is clearly trying to rally the troops to her side here, and honestly, she is doing a pretty effective job of it.

Next, Bethenny calls Ramona to confront her about telling Carole about the “sad’ and “lonely” stuff, and Ramona goes OFF. I think Carole got her really worked up here. She is standing on a corner while Coco stands in the street, and for once Bethenny can’t get a word in edgewise. Ramona tells Bethenny she does not support women and that she has “ardaucity” to even bring this up to her. The nutcracker comes up, of course. Ramona tells Bethenny she puts everyone down to make herself look good, and it’s a fair evaluation.

We end the episode with Luann in her beautiful new penthouse on the cusp of her exciting new life, and then cut to the headlines that she was arrested over Christmas in Palm Beach. We see shots of her handcuffed in the back of a police car, telling the cop she will kill them. She even slips her cuffs and tries to get out of the car. Boozy Luann is strong. She is charged with public intoxication, battery, resisting, and a host of other things that sound very scary. This episode has been a wild ride, for sure.