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  • RHONJ, Season 2, Reunion Part 1–Teresa Pushes Andy

    It’s a dreary Wednesday morning, I have the day off, and I have spent the last several days doing lists and recaps by request.

    So today, I am headed to Jersey.

    Not for a peaceful stroll through the Garden State. Not for a nice cup of coffee. I am going back to the good old days, when Housewives reunions involved screaming, cursing, family feuds, and the occasional act of violence against the host.

    Today, we are revisiting the reunion where Teresa Giudice shoves Andy Cohen.

    Because sometimes a dinosaur needs a little Jersey chaos.

    Let’s go.

    This is my first time recapping a reunion, but a lot of you have asked for this one, and I am game.

    The women haven’t all been together in over a year, so Andy greets everyone and asks if they’re ready for the day.

    Caroline announces that she has lost 25 pounds through portion control, otherwise known as the lap band.

    They discuss The Jersey Shore and whether it is an accurate representation of New Jersey.

    Teresa says it is not, because the people on the show sleep with each other and with people they barely know.

    Like Danielle.

    And boom. We have shots fired in Jersey.

    Danielle stays remarkably calm and simply calls Teresa insane. Teresa responds by calling Danielle a desperate pig, because we have decided to skip the pleasantries and get right to the point.

    Andy tries to reel them in before this turns into an archaeological excavation of every grievance these women have ever had with each other.

    Instead, he moves on to the subject of “Jersey” language, and we get scenes of the women struggling with their native English.

    Teresa says she has her own language, so there.

    The conversation turns to the children and how much they enjoy being recognized. We get a montage of Teresa’s and Jacqueline’s babies.

    Andy asks Danielle a viewer question about why she didn’t call Jacqueline after Nicholas was born. Danielle says she did congratulate her.

    They move on to Dina’s departure from the show. Caroline says Dina is still a big part of their lives, while Teresa says Dina left because of Danielle.

    Andy brings up the old beef between Danielle and Dina and the mysterious thing Danielle supposedly did to Dina.

    Viewers want to know what happened.

    The rumor is that Danielle tried to have Dina’s daughter taken away from her.

    Um, I would like details, please.

    Jacqueline reveals that they really shouldn’t even be discussing this, because Danielle put a “silencer” on Dina.

    Danielle agrees that her lawyers did that.

    And now Caroline decides she is the boss of the reunion and tries to shut Danielle up.

    Everyone starts talking over everyone else, and Caroline slips right back into her role as the marble-mouthed, bossy den mother of New Jersey.

    Nobody can get a complete sentence out.

    This is going well.

    Jacqueline calls Danielle a piece of garbage, and Andy tries to get everyone back to the baby package.

    Teresa is having none of it.

    She starts talking over Andy about what a disgrace Danielle is for not congratulating Jacqueline when Nicholas was born. Danielle smugly asks Teresa if she acknowledged her own nephew.

    It takes Teresa a moment to process the question.

    Then she goes absolutely nuts.

    She is out of her chair and shrieking in Danielle’s face:

    “DO NOT BRING UP MY FAMILY!”

    The viewers really have no idea what Danielle is referring to at this point, but it is very clear that she has hit a nerve.

    Andy tries to hold Teresa back and BAM! She shoves him, and he goes flying back into his chair.

    We are less than twelve minutes into this reunion, and Teresa just sent her boss reeling across the stage and knocked him on his ass.

    Any of you remember seeing this live for the first time?

    It was, and still is, unbelievable.

    Danielle walks off the stage, and Teresa starts hurling pillows and insults after her. Andy is still trying to contain her, and I swear his voice wavers a little with fear.

    He has clearly lost control of these women, and he is frightened.

    This isn’t Beverly Hills, after all.

    Caroline tries to calm Teresa down by repeatedly grabbing her face, which would have sent me over the edge.

    Teresa is still absolutely furious.

    And none of us viewers even know why!

    We have somehow reached full-blown Jersey warfare over something that happened off-camera, and Teresa is ready to burn the entire reunion to the ground while the rest of us sit here trying to figure out what the hell she is talking about.

    We come back from commercial and everyone is still trying to calm Teresa down.

    Danielle’s glam team rallies around her, comforting her while Teresa wants to know who the hell Danielle is talking to about her family.

    Oh, I think it’s a little birdie named “Missy G.”

    Danielle says she will only come back to the stage if they keep Teresa in her seat, and Andy promises he can do that.

    Oh, yeah right!

    Teresa just tossed him like a rag doll.

    Teresa is now screaming for “the chicken shit” to come back.

    We’re not even fifteen minutes in.

    Andy tries to lay down the law and tells Teresa to stay on the couch.

    She promises.

    Caroline tells Teresa to be smart, and Andy points out that she is REALLY strong. He basically pleads with Teresa to behave herself for the rest of the reunion.

    Danielle returns, and they go back to talking about the babies.

    Danielle points out that she introduced Jacqueline to her fertility doctor and seems to think she deserves a pat on the back for it.

    They argue about this for a while.

    Caroline takes over as the moderator, and I hate her.

    Somehow, 70% of viewers say they would want Caroline as their mother, while only 3% would choose Danielle.

    Have these people actually seen the way Caroline treats her daughter?

    She is dreadful.

    They move on to clips of the Manzos, Lauritas, and Giudices on their trip to Italy.

    Then we get into Teresa’s cookbook and the extravagant gifts Joe has been giving her.

    From there, the conversation turns to Teresa’s financial troubles, and we get clips of her spending habits. We also see Joe discussing his recent DUI.

    And this is where some of the first cracks in the Giudice fossil start to emerge.

    The finances, the spending, and eventually the legal troubles are going to become a dominating force in the Jersey ecosphere, but for now, Teresa is still insisting everything is fine.

    Andy asks if her house is in foreclosure.

    Teresa says no.

    So Andy moves on to the bankruptcy.

    Teresa denies everything except filing and doesn’t seem particularly interested in giving anyone any more details.

    Probably because she doesn’t know or understand what is actually going on.

    Which, in retrospect, is going to become a pretty significant problem.

    Andy brings up the auction of Teresa’s belongings, and Teresa says she doesn’t read any negative press.

    Andy wonders if she is in denial.

    He moves back to Joe’s DUI. Joe claims that he drank after his car accident, not before.

    Danielle finds this hard to believe.

    Andy also seems skeptical.

    Teresa looks like she is having a very difficult time staying in her chair during this exchange.

    Andy asks Danielle if she considers herself a troublemaker, and she admits that she can be.

    We get scenes of Danielle stirring shit up throughout the season, which is probably enough evidence for the prosecution.

    The conversation turns to her relationship with that busted-up brunette Marty McFly, Danny.

    Danielle insists they are just friends.

    The women say Danielle actually broke up his marriage.

    Somehow, Danielle also has a song out and a girlfriend, so this boring mess gets a little attention too.

    Danielle blames the editing for a lot of how she appears on the show. Caroline says this is crap.

    Andy asks Caroline about Danielle saying she needs a makeover.

    Caroline says she doesn’t care what Danielle thinks because she has a man who has loved her for twenty-six years.

    She does not mention his girlfriend.

    The conversation moves to Danielle’s two sex tapes.

    She claims at least one was released without her knowledge, and she has a whole other lawsuit going on over it.

    Her legal bills must be something else.

    Hey, Danielle. My husband is an attorney in New Jersey. Call him. We could use the money.

    Her other sex tape is up for sale, so there’s that.

    Danielle denies releasing it or making any money from it. She also denies that the tape was made by a third party, but the other women think it was.

    Jacqueline says it’s like bad-acting porn.

    All of a sudden, Teresa and Danielle are screaming at each other again, and I am not entirely sure why.

    I literally blinked and missed the beginning of this fight.

    Teresa calls Danielle a skanky whore, and we continue with the sex tape discussion while these two scream at each other in the background.

    Danielle insists that her kids don’t know anything about the show, which is ridiculous.

    She says the kids were, however, offended by Caroline’s comment that they have no light in their eyes.

    Caroline asks how they know she said that if they don’t watch the show.

    And that’s actually a pretty good point.

    Caroline goes on and on, speaking over Danielle and basically refusing to let her get a word in.

    God, I hate Caroline.

    She is an insufferable beast, and she reminds me of my ex-mother-in-law, whom I hated.

    So maybe this is personal.

    The conversation turns to Danielle making a scene at The Brownstone charity event.

    Caroline once again rips into Danielle and won’t let her speak.

    Danielle was wrong in this situation. I can admit that.

    I still don’t like Caroline, though, and I still think she is a bully.

    She does call Danny a “sweat hog reject,” which I thoroughly enjoy.

    It is dead-on-balls accurate.

    I want to thank the reader who slid into my DMs to suggest this recap. It was definitely worth revisiting. We have the very foundation of the Giudice/Gorga fights, as well as all the fallout from Danielle. And, no one could ever forget the time Teresa threw Andy at the reunion.

  • 10 Housewives We Actually Want Back

    There are plenty of former Housewives we have absolutely no desire to see again.

    But then there are the women who left us thinking, “Wait… why did Bravo let her go?”

    Here are 10 Housewives we would actually like to see return to their franchises.

    1. Lisa Rinna — RHOBH

    Yes, she was exhausting. Yes, she stirred the pot like it was her full-time occupation. But Beverly Hills was more entertaining when Lisa Rinna was around. She could walk into a perfectly peaceful dinner and somehow have everyone screaming by dessert.

    Bring her back.

    2. Dorinda Medley — RHONY

    Dorinda could turn a nice weekend in the Berkshires into an international incident.

    She was funny, vicious, emotional, unpredictable, and occasionally completely unhinged. New York needs somebody who can turn “How are you?” into a three-hour argument.

    3. Alex McCord — RHONY

    We need Alex back.

    Not a modernized version. Not a rebooted, polished Alex.

    We want the Brooklyn townhouse. We want Simon. We want the increasingly bizarre fashion choices. We want Alex attempting to explain Manhattan society while everyone around her looks confused.

    Bring back the weirdness.

    4. Kim Richards — RHOBH

    Kim was one of the most unpredictable Housewives of the early Beverly Hills years.

    She had complicated relationships with almost everyone around her, particularly Kyle, and simply putting her in a room could change the entire mood.

    A Kim Richards return would immediately make Beverly Hills more interesting.

    5. Jacqueline Laurita — RHONJ

    Jacqueline was there for some of the greatest insanity in early Jersey.

    Teresa. Danielle. Melissa. Stripper-gate. Family warfare. The never-ending Manzo/Laurita/Giudice ecosystem.

    She knows the history, she knows the players, and she would absolutely have opinions about what Jersey has become.

    6. Eileen Davidson — RHOBH

    Eileen spent much of her Housewives career attempting to remain a rational adult while surrounded by people behaving completely irrationally.

    And then Lisa Rinna dragged her into the mess.

    I’d love to see Eileen return now, because something tells me she has accumulated several years’ worth of opinions.

    7. Heather Thomson — RHONY

    Holla Heather was actually a great New York Housewife.

    She could argue with the other women, she wasn’t afraid of conflict, and she brought a completely different energy to the group.

    I’d love to see what she made of the current incarnation of New York.

    8. Camille Grammer — RHOBH

    Camille doesn’t even need a major storyline.

    Put her at a dinner table.

    Give her a glass of wine.

    Wait.

    She has an incredible ability to make completely ordinary conversations feel like we’re watching the opening scene of a diplomatic crisis.

    9. Jill Zarin — RHONY

    Jill was a gossip, a social climber, a shit-stirrer, and an enormous personality.

    In other words: exactly the sort of person you want on Real Housewives.

    She understood how New York worked, she knew everybody’s business, and she was never going to quietly sit in the corner.

    10. Dina Manzo — RHONJ

    Dina would be a genuinely interesting return because she isn’t another screaming Jersey stereotype.

    She’s quieter, stranger, and operates on a completely different wavelength from most of the cast.

    Dropping Dina back into the Jersey universe after all these years could be fascinating.

    There are Housewives we miss.

    And then there are Housewives whose return would actually make the show better.

    These are the ones we want.

  • 10 Housewives Who Would Absolutely Get Eaten by a Dinosaur

    Some Housewives are built for survival.

    Others would see a 30-foot dinosaur charging directly at them and somehow make it about themselves.

    These are the women who would not make it out of Jurassic Park alive.

    1. Ramona Singer — RHONY

    Ramona would absolutely refuse to believe the dinosaur was dangerous.

    She’d scream, run in the wrong direction, trip over something, yell at whoever was standing closest to her, and then somehow blame the dinosaur for ruining her vacation.

    She’d also insist she was “very good with animals.”

    She would not be.

    2. Sonja Morgan — RHONY

    Sonja would wander away from the group because she “just wanted to see something.”

    Thirty seconds later, everyone would hear screaming from the woods.

    Someone would ask where Sonja went.

    Ramona would say, “See! You should have gone this way!”

    3. Kelly Bensimon — RHONY

    Kelly would see a dinosaur and immediately decide she understood it on a spiritual level.

    She’d try to communicate with it.

    The dinosaur would eat her.

    Kelly would somehow still believe the encounter went well.

    4. Danielle Staub — RHONJ

    Danielle wouldn’t necessarily be eaten first.

    She’d just somehow turn the dinosaur into her mortal enemy.

    There would be accusations.

    There would be screaming.

    There would be security.

    There would probably be a book about the experience.

    And at some point, Danielle would announce that the dinosaur had threatened her.

    5. Brandi Glanville — RHOBH

    Brandi would see the dinosaur, say something wildly inappropriate, and then make the questionable decision to approach it.

    “It’s probably friendly.”

    It would not be friendly.

    Brandi’s final words would probably be something that couldn’t be printed on a family-friendly dinosaur exhibit.

    6. Dorinda Medley — RHONY

    Dorinda would be perfectly capable of surviving the dinosaur.

    The problem is that she’d stop to argue with it.

    “You’re making me angry.”

    The dinosaur would roar.

    “I MADE IT NICE!”

    The dinosaur would eat her.

    And honestly, it would probably feel like the dinosaur won an argument it didn’t even know it was having.

    7. Kelly Dodd — RHOC

    Kelly would not run from the dinosaur.

    She’d yell at it.

    She’d accuse it of being stupid.

    She’d tell everyone else that they were overreacting.

    Then she’d somehow get into a fight with the dinosaur.

    This is one of the few scenarios where Kelly Dodd might actually out-chaos the animal.

    8. Aviva Drescher — RHONY

    Aviva would absolutely survive the initial dinosaur attack.

    Unfortunately, she’d eventually lose a body part and spend the rest of the afternoon insisting that everyone was being insensitive about it.

    And if anyone questioned the story?

    “THEY’RE ALL LIARS.”

    9. Teresa Giudice — RHONJ

    Teresa would actually have a decent chance.

    Until someone suggested that the dinosaur was disrespecting her family.

    Then she’d flip a table.

    At a dinosaur.

    Which is probably not an effective survival strategy.

    10. Luann de Lesseps — RHONY

    Luann would assume she could charm the dinosaur.

    She’d approach it with complete confidence, probably humming something under her breath.

    The dinosaur would eat her.

    And somewhere in the distance, someone would hear:

    “Money can’t buy you class.”

    The dinosaur would disagree.

  • RHONY, Season 7, Episode 14–Conch Blocked: More Turks & Caicos

    Ramona and Bethenny are still fighting over the damn salad Bethenny made for lunch.

    Yes, the salad.

    Ramona wants to go out for lunch, and somehow this has become a major conflict. Bethenny thinks Ramona is being selfish and manic, and honestly, Ramona is certainly not helping her case.

    Eventually, they move on, and everyone loves the salad.

    Yay.

    Crisis averted.

    At lunch, Ramona brings up her book and starts tossing around some possible titles. This should be a fun, casual conversation, but Bethenny immediately turns into the world’s leading authority on book titles, publishing, writing, and apparently everything else.

    She talks over everyone and doesn’t really leave much room for anyone else to contribute.

    Heather is visibly annoyed.

    And I don’t blame her.

    Bethenny may know a lot of things, but she does not need to personally moderate every conversation she is in.

    Bethenny overhears Heather talking about her and immediately confronts her.

    Naturally.

    Bethenny basically confirms Heather’s entire complaint by announcing that she actually does know it all. She tells Heather that if anyone has a problem with that, they can come at her.

    Well, okay then.

    And there you go.

    The salad has barely been eaten and we are already onto the next fight.

    Fortunately, this one has an incredibly short shelf life. Bethenny and Heather talk it out and agree that they actually like each other.

    And just like that, another crisis has been averted.

    The ladies head out for dinner at The Conch Shack, and the place looks awesome.

    I am crazy about conch.

    I like big conch and I cannot lie.

    The women are hoping for a nice, relaxing night out with the girls, but Ramona has other plans.

    Ramona is on the prowl.

    The other women are looking for dinner and drinks with their friends. Ramona appears to be looking for something else entirely.

    Well, something else with a pulse.

    Let the conch hunt begin.

    It’s Bethenny’s last night on the trip, and she and Heather seem to be getting along really well.

    Meanwhile, all of the women are sitting around the table while Ramona wanders around with her tits hanging out, apparently conducting her own personal singles survey.

    At some point, Bethenny and Carole wander off and strike up a conversation with the owner of the restaurant.

    Everything seems perfectly normal until Ramona spots the available conch.

    She immediately barges over and positions herself between Bethenny, Carole, and the poor man.

    Ramona is not about to lose her chance.

    She comes in hard, completely taking over the conversation while the owner looks increasingly overwhelmed.

    Bethenny and Carole are absolutely stunned.

    I have never seen someone pursue conch with this level of determination.

    The Countess starts crawling around playing with the local dogs, which is definitely worth noting, while the rest of the women discuss how horrible Ramona is.

    The next day, Bethenny heads out for her flight, and she seems pretty happy with how the trip went.

    Me thinks she may be getting out just in time.

    The women are still annoyed about Ramona’s behavior the night before and call her out for being rude. They head to a hotel for lunch, where Ramona and Sonja promptly show up late.

    Everyone has had it with their antics.

    Carole is so annoyed that she won’t even look at Ramona, but eventually she has something to say about her behavior.

    Ramona immediately goes into teary mode and says she is lonely.

    And then, because Ramona can apparently never leave well enough alone, she brings up the fact that Carole is fucking a 28-year-old.

    This does not sit well with Carole.

    Ramona gives one of her bullshit apologies, and everyone basically accepts it because there is no reasoning with Ramona.

    At some point, Luann and Sonja step away from the table to talk about their own issues.

    Luann is concerned about Sonja’s drinking, but she feels like Sonja lashed out at her when she tried to address it.

    The two of them talk it through and eventually agree to move on.

    And just like that, another Housewives crisis has been temporarily put to bed.

    They head out to dinner, and Dorinda is lit the fuck up.

    She is in full Dorinda mode, slurring and spitting as she informs Heather that Heather says “fuck” too much.

    This is particularly impressive because Dorinda is so drunk that I can barely understand what the hell she is saying.

    She goes on and on about how cursing is unladylike, while simultaneously slurring her words and spitting all over the place.

    The Countess decides to pile on, because apparently this is now a formal meeting of the Ladies Against Fuck.

    Never mind that Luann curses like a sailor herself.

    Soon enough, everyone is cursing and yelling at each other about whether or not it is appropriate to curse.

    Dorinda finally slams her hands down and stomps away from the table.

    Now she is crying.

    Unfortunately, no one can understand what she is saying through the combination of tears, spit, and whatever food is still in her mouth.

    This has officially become less of a dinner and more of a Dorinda performance piece.