We see flashbacks of the women partying it up the night before in San Diego. Back at the house, everyone starts waking up to find the place looking like a disaster zone.
It must have been quite a night.
Meredith is wandering around wearing a sleep mask, while Jen is packing a mini fan. They both look a little worse for wear.
Heather messages Jen that she wants to speak to her privately. When Jen answers the door, Heather is wearing black sunglasses and acting extremely mysterious.
She takes off the glasses and reveals a serious shiner.
Her eye is swollen shut and completely blackened.
Heather says she has no idea what happened. Jen, rather than immediately demanding to know who did it, asks whether Heather has put ice on it.
Heather also has dinosaur scratches all up and down her arms and back. Again, she says she doesn’t know how they got there, and she doesn’t want to get anyone in trouble.
Then she says they need a cover story.
Which is… very suspect.
They brainstorm cover stories, none of which are even remotely believable.
Heather keeps repeating that she doesn’t want anyone to get in trouble, which heavily implies that someone will if the truth comes out.
They call Meredith into the room and reveal the black eye.
And the scratches.
Meredith is shocked and asks when it happened, because they were all together until 4 a.m. Heather and Jen insist they don’t know.
It’s all pretty bizarre.
Then Heather says she doesn’t want to talk about it, which once again makes it seem like she knows exactly what happened despite repeatedly insisting that she has no idea.
Lisa and Whitney, blissfully unaware of the black eye situation, are discussing Whitney’s fight with Heather the night before. Whitney doesn’t feel like anything has been resolved and is also upset with Meredith. She thinks Meredith plays puppet master and gets other people to do her dirty work, a la Lisa Vanderpump.
Whitney tells Lisa Barlow that she thinks Meredith has been manipulating the women into speaking poorly about her.
Meanwhile, everyone gets ready to go rollerblading and go-karting, and Heather is dreading all the questions she is going to get once everyone sees her eye.
Whitney says she heard a lot of commotion the night before and asks what happened.
Heather says she thinks they all know what happened but don’t want to talk about it. Then she takes off her sunglasses.
She repeats that she doesn’t know what happened, and at this point she is contradicting herself all over the place.
She eventually admits that maybe somebody clocked her, but she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Whitney is surprised that Heather wants to laugh the whole thing off and doesn’t find the situation funny at all.
The women head off to the go-karts, which Angie planned as a way to tour the city. Heather gets in a cart with Lisa because Lisa will only talk about herself and, more importantly, won’t ask any questions about the black eye.
And we see scenes of Lisa doing exactly that.
Anyone else would have Heather alone for five minutes and immediately start interrogating her, but not our girl Lisa. She has her own life to discuss.
The other women, meanwhile, are discussing the black eye and all agree that it looks like Heather was punched. They don’t believe for a second that Heather genuinely doesn’t remember what happened.
They finish up the go-karts and split into groups for the afternoon, with some going rollerblading and others heading off for wine tasting.
Whitney realizes she has rollerskates instead of rollerblades and has a bit of a panic.
At the winery, the women are ready for food, wine and fun, while Heather is still rocking her sunglasses.
The roller-skating group hits the boardwalk and stops for ice cream. It actually looks pretty fun.
Naturally, they spend the outing speculating about the black eye, because apparently that is now the group activity. Whitney goes so far as to say that if anyone hit Heather, she thinks it was Jen.
Back at the winery, Heather is still being mysterious and seems to be enjoying the entire game. She knows everyone is speculating about her eye, and she seems perfectly happy to let them.
Jen, meanwhile, is oddly silent.
Heather eventually redirects the conversation to her friendship break with Whitney. She doesn’t want to get pulled into Whitney’s arguments, but she makes it clear that she loves her.
The women start wondering why Lisa and Whitney have suddenly become so close.
Meanwhile, Jen and Meredith start gossiping about Lisa’s business.
This takes some nerve, especially coming from Jen.
When the roller-skating girls tell Lisa that this kind of talk has been going on, she is furious. Lisa immediately goes into defense mode over her brands and businesses and thinks Meredith is retaliating for the hot mic moment.
And she is correct.
Lisa says nothing is off limits now.
That night, Angie questions Meredith about what she knows about Lisa’s business, and Meredith seems to know a whole lot.
They explain crowdfunding and imply that Lisa’s company is broke. Meredith says she has been getting random direct messages with this information about Lisa.
Angie points out that Lisa certainly doesn’t look broke.
Meredith says she doesn’t count anyone else’s money, but she is clearly doing exactly that.
Angie hosts a Greek Goddesses Dinner at the vacation house, because apparently we haven’t had enough drama for one day.
Before dinner, Lisa tells Angie that she knows what Meredith has been saying about her. Angie confirms that Lisa’s finances were, in fact, a topic of conversation earlier that day.
Angie tells her that Meredith said Lisa’s husband, John, doesn’t work.
Lisa is furious.
Because nothing says Greek Goddesses Dinner like immediately getting into an argument about your husband’s employment status.
The dinner table looks gorgeous, which of course means these bitches are about to fight through another beautiful meal.
Jen comes in dressed as Athena and announces that she is ready for battle.
Lisa tells us she doesn’t even want to sit at the dinner with the women who have been talking behind her back. She sits at the table muttering to herself, and Jen wants to know why she is so grumpy. Heather also notices that Lisa is unhappy.
Angie makes a silly grand entrance, because apparently every dinner needs one.
She is excited to teach the women about her culture and gives a traditional Greek toast. She also gives each of the women an evil eye charm.
And we all know Heather could use an extra eyeball right about now.
They discuss their days, and Lisa is already feeling snarky.
Whitney flat-out asks who has been discussing Lisa’s business. Lisa wants to know why everyone suddenly cares about her SEC filing and starts questioning Meredith directly.
Lisa tries to explain the situation but says it’s bullshit that they were talking about her behind her back.
Meredith points out that Lisa talks about everyone, and Lisa fires back that she knows Meredith said John Barlow doesn’t have a job.
Lisa pulls Angie into the conversation, and Heather quickly realizes that Angie is a bit of a blabbermouth.
Heather tells Angie that it’s in poor taste to host a dinner while also trying to stir up trouble.
Um… isn’t that kind of the job as a Housewife, though?
Meredith and Lisa start arguing over who has insulted whose husband more. Lisa wants to move forward, while Meredith is still holding a grudge because Lisa said Meredith called her mentally ill.
She totally did, by the way.
Lisa questions everyone’s intentions and calls Meredith out for holding a grudge. They bitch back and forth at each other, and I knew this dinner was in trouble from the get-go.
Whitney asks how they move forward, and Heather, wearing her eye patch, gets preachy about friendship.
And we still don’t know who gave her the black eye.
Yet.
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