We’re in Bali, where Tamra, Heather, and Vicki meet in the library, and Tamra is noticeably chilly toward Heather. She’s still mad because Heather said Tamra made fun of Lizzie’s dress. Yawn.
Tamra is also mad at Lizzie because, during a game of Fuck, Mary, Kill, Lizzie said Eddie wanted to fuck her. Yawn again. First of all, who plays Fuck, Mary, Kill with their couple friends? That does not sound like a healthy recreational activity. There are plenty of board games. Play Scrabble.
Meanwhile, Shannon, Lizzie, and Danielle come downstairs, and everyone heads out to see monkeys, which actually sounds awesome. I want to see monkeys. They’re also visiting a temple, although some of the women are dressed in outfits that are, shall we say, not exactly screaming “respectful temple attire.”
The temple is lovely, but the women don’t seem to take it very seriously, except Shannon, who claims to feel total zen. That won’t last long. They start shopping and I wonder what happened to the monkeys? I was promised there would be monkeys. Oh, yay! There are finally monkeys. They are running all over and climbing on the women and it’s awesome. My husband would never do this, but I am so down.
Back at the resort, the women split up for some pre-dinner activities. Some are riding bikes, while the others head to the spa or pool.
At the spa, Shannon and Vicki are in holistic heaven, enjoying what appears to be the most peaceful afternoon of the entire trip. Meanwhile, Heather and Tamra ride bikes around the resort and generally harass the locals who are trying to work. It’s obnoxious. These people are just trying to do their jobs, ladies.
At the pool, Danielle and Lizzie discuss all the shit Tamra has been talking. Shannon is doing much the same thing, telling Vicki just how poorly Tamra has been speaking about everyone. Apparently, Tamra has told Lizzie and Danielle that Shannon is crazy.
Shannon then warns Vicki that she should watch out, because Tamra is talking about her, too. So much for Shannon’s total zen. The four of them gather to discuss Tamra’s shit talking.
Lizzie tells Shannon that Tamra said Shannon is full of shit and needs an exorcism. Lizzie and Danielle admit that Tamra gave them a tainted view of Shannon, and they apologize for prejudging her. Shannon seems genuinely relieved to hear this, while Tamra’s reputation as the Bali trip’s resident shit-stirrer continues to grow.
Vicki then tells the women that Tamra has been going around telling everyone that Lizzie said Eddie wanted to fuck her. Vicki also brings up Tamra’s past lack of support for Brooks, and the women tell her that Tamra is still bashing him.
That’s enough to push Vicki over the edge. She starts crying and says she feels betrayed. At this point, Tamra has apparently managed to piss off nearly everyone without even being in the room. Impressive.
Later, back at the resort, the women watch a traditional Balinese dance and once again act like a group of buffoons who have never stepped foot outside of Orange County.
Then it’s time for dinner.
Shannon and Heather make nice with each other, which is notable because Heather is, so far, the only person at the table who isn’t mad at Tamra. Everyone else has apparently had enough.
Tamra notices that Vicki is unusually quiet. She asks Vicki to come to the bathroom with her, presumably to find out what the hell is going on, but Vicki doesn’t budge.
Vicki is sitting there all teary, and Tamra starts looking increasingly uncomfortable. She knows something is coming. The shit-talking has apparently caught up with her.
Oh, wait. The nice between Heather and Shannon is over.
Heather tells Shannon that Terry is pissed about David telling Heather to “spread her legs” on the mechanical bull. Shannon says she’ll have David apologize, which seems like a reasonable solution to what is, once again, an incredibly stupid Housewives problem.
Meanwhile, Vicki still looks like she’s about to cry. And Tamra is sitting there watching all of this unfold, seemingly realizing that whatever is going on with Vicki is probably not going to end well for her.
Tamra heads to the bathroom, and Heather takes the opportunity to ask Vicki what’s wrong. Vicki finally admits that she knows Tamra has been bashing Brooks again. Heather just shakes her head, because at this point there’s not much else to do.
When Tamra returns to the table, the atmosphere is even more tense. Shannon asks her why she’s been saying negative things about her. Tamra insists everything was taken out of context and announces that she has no appetite.
Tamra then blames Danielle and Lizzie for telling Shannon what she said, effectively shooting the messengers instead of addressing what she actually said.
Lizzie brings up the Fuck/Marry/Kill situation, and Tamra immediately calls her a liar. That sets everyone off. Suddenly everyone is shouting over everyone else, accusations are flying, and dinner has completely gone to hell.
This is what I came for.
Lizzie finally tells Tamra she’s full of crap and calls her the most insecure woman she has ever met in her life. She tells Tamra to get it together.
Tamra responds by grabbing her shoes and running out of the restaurant, screaming, “You will never see my face again!”
Vicki cries.
Lizzie sips her champagne.
Realizing that Heather is the only person at the table who isn’t currently against Tamra, the other women start filling her in on all the things Tamra has apparently been saying about her, too.
Tamra has told them that she only had Heather as a bridesmaid for the show, that they aren’t actually that close, and that Heather is anorexic.
Heather wants more champagne.
Heather is upset and hurt, but she feels like she needs to talk to Tamra directly. She goes to Tamra’s room and asks her about everything the women have been saying.
Heather also tells Tamra how upset Brooks is. Tamra denies that any of it is true and says Lizzie is trash.
Heather goes back to the lobby and tells the women that Tamra isn’t coming back down. At this point, they’re all ready to go home.
And just like that, holistic heaven turned into a Housewives’ Dinner from Hell.
