We open in Turks & Caicos with Carole and Heather discussing how exhausting Sonja has been on this trip. Bethenny and Ramona have a similar conversation, with Bethenny explaining how her attempt to talk to Sonja ended with her screaming, “Shut the fuck up!” in Sonja’s face.
Sonja, meanwhile, refuses to listen to anyone and is drinking her face off, which has the women increasingly worried. Bethenny makes it clear that she is not a doctor and has no idea whether Sonja is actually an alcoholic. But both she and Ramona agree on one thing: they love Sonja, but the train has gone completely off the rails.
Somehow, the conversation turns to Mario, and Ramona starts crying over her estranged husband. She feels like Mario is part of her and that she can’t fix him or their marriage. It’s genuinely sad, and I don’t even like Ramona.
The next morning, a yoga instructor visits the house. A topless Luann admits that he is very cute. Sonja goes to Dorinda’s room to complain about the other women and the way they are treating her. They are in a room directly over the yoga session, so everyone can hear Sonja yelling about them.
Dorinda says Sonja allows the women to treat her that way and offer their unsolicited opinions. She cautions Sonja against drinking too much around the ladies. Bethenny and the women abandon their yoga and go up to Dorinda’s room to see what is going on. Sonja comes out swinging and says, “You all aren’t going to talk about me tonight!” Bethenny wonders what fun that would be.
Ramona, with her little pink bikini and excellent sense of timing, pulls Sonja aside and says that Bethenny called Sonja an alcoholic.
Ramona immediately denies that she had anything to say about the matter, despite the footage we just watched showing otherwise. Bethenny comes over to butt in and points out that Ramona also thinks Sonja has a drinking problem.
Sonja argues that all of the women drink late into the evening and make bad decisions, but Bethenny insists that Sonja takes it too far. Whatever. They are all a bunch of drunks, and that’s why we watch them.
Bethenny says Ramona said Sonja needs someone to get her home every night. Sonja still insists that all of the women behave this way and tells the women to stay out of her shit. Luann pops up and offers Sonja eggs à la française, which is completely random and just so very Countess-like. Sonja is not in the mood, but chows down anyhow.
Next, Luann piles on Sonja about her drinking. Oy vey. I need a drink.
Heather comes over, too, and now Sonja is screaming that they all talk behind her back and that she is tired of it. Heather tells Sonja to get in the pool and cool off because all of the women care about her.
Instead, Sonja strips down to her little white bikini—tags on for return, of course—and tells everyone to get away from her because she is tired of being the nice one, so they better watch out.
Sonja vows that she will not go out with the women today and is going to start spilling all of their secrets. Dorinda tries to calm her down a bit, but Sonja is coming in hot and staying that way. Sonja tells them they are all out of line and can fuck off.
Ramona, the two-faced asshole in a bikini, tells Sonja that Bethenny was wrong to throw around the word “alcoholic.” Bethenny swears that she is done talking about Sonja. That chick can freebase in front of Bethenny at this point, and Bethenny is not saying a word about it.
They start a cash jar for every time they break the rule and discuss Sonja. It has $500 in it within five minutes.
Ramona tries to stick up for Sonja, and Bethenny reminds her that she started this whole thing by telling Sonja that Bethenny said she was an alcoholic. True story.
Most of the women head out on a yacht, but Sonja stays behind at the house to cool off. Bethenny feels bad because we all know Sonja loves a yacht. Of course, they spend most of the boat ride discussing Sonja. What happened to their vow and the cash jar? It must be overflowing by now.
Ramona spends the day kissing everyone’s ass because she knows people have had it with her. They have a gorgeous-looking lunch and spend some time in the water. It turns out Sonja was right: these women are pretty boring when they aren’t talking about her.
Kristen, whom I completely forgot about, bonds with Bethenny a bit. It doesn’t matter much. Kristen will be gone next season.
The women dump ice -cold water on Ramona, and I enjoy it. Ramona, who knows she is in the shit with everyone, is a good sport about it for a change.
Back at the house, Sonja is still chilly toward everyone. But she rallies, and they all get ready for dinner. Sonja says she is going to have a good time, but she is not going to apologize to any of the women. She has friends all over the world—royalty, you know—who don’t judge her.
When they arrive at the restaurant, Dorinda wants Heather to wait so they can all walk in together. Out of nowhere, we get what I believe is the first sighting of Scary Dorinda. She flips a switch and starts yelling and crying that Heather is a bitch for walking ahead of her.
Of all the Housewives arguments I have seen and studied, this is one of the more ridiculous ones. Heather tells Dorinda she is acting like a child, and it’s true. Ramona tells the table that all of the arguing is giving her agita. Heather apologizes (for what?) and they move on.
Geezus. I can’t with these broads.
The next day, Bethenny is making lunch for everyone but Ramona wants to go out. She and Sonja have ants in their pants and want to hit the town. Bethenny becomes overwhelmed by all of their manic energy. She tells them both they are like children and to please just GO if that’s what they want to do. Then, they say they are staying to appease Bethenny, not realizing they have given her her own case of agita.
Bethenny points out that Ramona came from nothing and yet acts like she is queen of the world, and I think this is a valid point.
The episode leaves off mid-argument, and I am thinking about doing the next one. I forgot this was such a good trip until someone slid into my DMs about it. What are your thoughts?
