Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives

RHONJ, Teresa Checks In, Season 1, Episode 1–Tre of Life

August 20, 2026

I’m going way back into the fossil record for this one. Teresa Checks In is one of those Housewives relics that is surprisingly difficult to find without handing over money, so I figured I’d do the work for you.

The first episode starts with flashbacks of press coverage and interviews about Joe and Teresa’s sentencing. We begin on June 18, 2015, six months into Teresa’s prison sentence.

We see the opulent gates to her sprawling house and hear Joe Giudice yelling for Gabriella and Milania. The girls are sliding down the banister in the foyer, and this is before breakfast. Joe clearly loves his kids, but he also seems a little overwhelmed by their energy.

In his interview, Joe says it’s been the hardest year of his life. His father passed away, Teresa is in prison, and now he is caring for their four daughters. He reminds the girls that later in the day, they are having a memorial for his father, and it is also Gia’s eighth-grade dance.

The kids seem sad, and Joe is clearly missing both his wife and his dad. He is trying to put on a brave face for the girls and reminds them to always be nice to each other.

Audriana says Milania is not always nice, and Milania says that is because Audriana gets on her nerves.

These kids crack me up. I am the youngest of three sisters in an Italian family, and this resonates. There is apparently no amount of family tragedy that can stop sisters from finding a reason to annoy the hell out of each other.

Gia gets up later than the three littles, and Joe immediately teases her about the pimple on her face. Gia tells us that, jokes aside, he is doing really well caring for the girls. She clearly misses her mom, though.

Joe sends the girls off to the store and immediately gets to work prepping the house for the memorial and getting everything ready for Gia’s dance pictures. He is even buffing the marble floors. Geezus. This man is trying to run the household, raise four daughters, prepare for a memorial, and apparently maintain the marble like he’s being graded on it.

Meanwhile, Teresa is e-mailing everyone like crazy from jail, trying to run the house from her cell. Joe says she is basically staying in a low-budget spa, and that he hates to even use the word “prison.”

I think Joe is kidding himself a little.

I’ve been to plenty of low-budget spas, and here’s the thing: if you don’t like them, you can leave. Like, any time. Prison, not so much.

Teresa calls every day, but she has limited minutes. She can, however, e-mail as much as she wants, so apparently the prison phone system is where they draw the line but Teresa’s inbox is basically unlimited.

Joe says he cries every day since Teresa went away, and that the kids are what keep him going. He misses having Teresa around the house, which is actually pretty sad. Even Joe seems a little lost without her.

Then the Giudices’ creepy, greasy lawyer, James Leonard, comes by the house with pictures of Teresa in jail. He has really insinuated himself into this family. I even remember him being the Gorgas’ lawyer back in Season 3. This man has made himself a permanent supporting character in the Giudice/Gorga cinematic universe.

Teresa’s parents come by, and it is so great to see them. I really miss their scenes, especially now that they have both passed away. They always brought such a sweet, genuine energy to the show.

I can’t figure out why James Leonard is there asking so many questions, and honestly, he bothers me. Is he getting paid for being on the show? I bet he is. Sketchy. He has really inserted himself into this family, and I’m still not entirely sure why he is suddenly such a major character.

Over at the Gorgas’, they want to support Gia for her eighth-grade dance and feel left out. Things are still tense between them and the Giudices. They say they want to “do more” for Joe, which I’m sure means they would like to have more opportunities to film this spinoff while RHONJ is on pause waiting for Teresa to get out of jail.

Melissa and Joe, we see you.

Gia gets her makeup done for her dance and gets a text from Melissa. She says she doesn’t see them much and isn’t totally comfortable with them, which makes sense given everything that has happened.

Then Teresa calls, and Joe is incredibly sweet to her. It may be the sweetest I have ever seen him be to her. He doesn’t call her a bitch once.

The girls love when their mom calls, and they say the phone calls, e-mails, and visits really help. Gia takes the phone and immediately starts breaking down over how much she misses her mom. Teresa is concerned right away that Gia is going to ruin her makeup and tells her not to cry.

Nono quietly walks away, and it breaks my heart.

Whatever you want to say about Teresa and the choices she made, it is really hard to watch her parents suffer because of the consequences of her crimes. They clearly adore their daughter, and watching them deal with all of this is just sad.

Gia explains that her youngest sisters think Teresa is away doing work for a book, but she knows all the details about their case and their sentences. She has clearly had to grow up a lot faster than she should have.

James Leonard says Teresa is a rock, and once again I find myself wondering why exactly this man is here. Is he the family lawyer? Their emotional support lawyer? Their unofficial sixth family member? I have questions.

We focus on Gia for a while and how the situation with her mom has forced her to mature quickly. Meanwhile, Milania tries to steal the spotlight a little bit, because of course she does. It makes me miss my sisters. Joe tells Milania this isn’t about her.

She says, “Everything is.”

Lol.

Then Gia comes down the stairs fully dressed for the dance, and she immediately goes over to hug her Nono. Joe Giudice is absolutely beaming with pride. He gives Gia a box of roses that Teresa sent for her, and it is a really beautiful moment.

Joe, his brother, and all of the kids and cousins plant a tree in memory of Joe’s dad. We see old scenes of his dad, and Joe explains that his death was very sudden. He wonders if the stress of the court case could have contributed to his dad’s death, and I don’t envy him having that thought in his head. That is a very heavy burden to carry.

Then, because this is the Giudice family, we go from grief to the pre-dance party, which is absolutely incredible. There is food spread throughout the entire house. It looks like they are hosting a wedding, not sending an eighth-grader to a dance.

Joe wants to inspect Gia’s date, naturally. Milania, meanwhile, is not impressed. She doesn’t like the kid’s shoes. She doesn’t like his tuxedo. She doesn’t like his earrings. Basically, she has reviewed his entire look and would like to speak to management.

Little sisters are fun.

Joe playfully teases Gia and her date, and the whole thing is actually really sweet. For all of the chaos happening around this family, you can tell how much Joe loves his girls and how proud he is of Gia.

Milania is still fixated on the date’s shoes and tells him to make sure he keeps his hands to himself.

This kid.

And James Leonard is still there, eating and drinking. I have a feeling he is always the last one to leave when there is free food. He starts telling everyone about Teresa’s sentence and how Joe has to leave for prison right after she comes home.

He is a real fun guy to have at a party, huh?

We get some emotional scenes of Joe with his brother at his dad’s memorial. Joe breaks down and says that Teresa doesn’t deserve to be where she is. He looks absolutely broken, and it is hard not to feel for him. Whatever you think about the legal situation, watching this family deal with the fallout is incredibly sad.

We cut to Joe Giudice at a construction site, and Rosie, Teresa’s cousin, calls him. She wants to come visit.

Does Teresa’s family only show up when there is a camera, or what?

Joe and Rosie are actually really cute together, and it’s nice to see him having a little fun for once. He tells her that he can only visit Teresa every other weekend because he is also a convicted felon. The kids, however, can visit every week.

These are complications I am very grateful I do not have.

The next scenes are the day of Gia’s eighth-grade graduation, and the Giudice girls are fighting like only sisters can. They are slamming doors, yelling, and generally making the house sound like a small war zone. Joe is yelling and reminding me so much of my dad it hurts.

Milania has major attitude, naturally, because she is Milania.

Teresa calls, and the girls immediately start competing for time on the phone with her. She reminds Milania to be good, which I’m sure went very well.

Gia kind of rushes her mom off the phone because she has to get ready for graduation, and Joe immediately lays into her for not being polite to her mother.

Now he really reminds me of my dad.

I got away with a lot as a kid, but messing with my mother was a “no.” There were apparently certain lines you simply did not cross.

After the graduation, there is another banquet-style party at the Giudice house, because apparently no Giudice event is complete without enough food to feed a small wedding.

The Gorgas get even more screen time, but there is not a Wakile in sight. They appear to have gone extinct.

Joe Gorga tells us he thinks Joe Giudice is more humble than he used to be, but that he worries about his sister. Joe Giudice says he appreciates the Gorgas coming around and thinks it is good for the kids.

The Gorgas and Giudices are going to fight BIG time over these very scenes in the years to come, so it is interesting to see them all back together here. Knowing what is coming makes all of this feel like watching the calm before a very Jersey storm.

Joe Gorga still can’t believe Teresa is in jail. He explains that they grew up in a strict family and walked a pretty tight line, so seeing his sister in prison is still hard for him to wrap his head around.

In our final scenes of Episode 1, Teresa calls Joe and asks if he wants to have phone sex. Joe tells us he can’t even bring himself to sleep in their bed without Teresa and has been sleeping on the couch since she went away.

Teresa reminds Joe that he has to work on his abs while he is in prison, because apparently even incarceration is no excuse to let yourself go.

She tells him they will be married forever and grow old together, and despite everything that happened, I am sad for these two and their family. I can’t help it. Watching the kids deal with all of this is especially heartbreaking.

And with that, we are done with Episode 1.

Check back later for Part 2 as we continue digging up this Housewives fossil.
RHOC, Season 14, Episode 19–Some Fences Are Made to Be Broken, Key West, Part 3

August 20, 2026

We pick up in Key West where Vicki has, of course, injured herself. It’s the morning after, and Emily and Kelly are headed to the Hemingway House for some culture. I have skipped this both times I’ve visited Key West because I am cheap. I also don’t love tours all that much. A girlfriend of mine did have her son’s wedding there, though, and it looked very pretty, so apparently I am willing to appreciate it from a distance.

Anyhow, busted-up Vicki is regretting the drinks and the pool from last night. Meanwhile, the Tres Amigas don’t know who Ernest Hemingway is or why they should care about his house. Fair enough, I guess.

We get flashbacks of Vicki being loaded into an ambulance, and I start wondering how many ambulances this woman has been in over the course of her life. At this point, she should have frequent-flyer miles.

Kelly thinks Vicki does this shit for attention. I think she just drinks a lot.

Kelly is tired of being bullied, and the other women are tired of feeling like they have to pick sides. We also see the Conch Train! I have ridden the Conch Train. It’s not what you think. I was expecting something much more train-like, but apparently Key West has decided that the word “train” is flexible.

Braunwyn, Emily, and Kelly are at the Hemingway House, and Kelly is surprisingly informed about Hemingway. She actually reads, and that is refreshing.

We see some six-toed cats! Yay. They are precious, but watch out—they bite. So do the chickens, but that is a story for another day.

Meanwhile, the Tres Amigas are going parasailing, and given Vicki’s broken foot, I just have to see this.

Vicki can’t even stand up without falling off her crutches, and it’s great. Shannon tries to demonstrate how to use the crutches correctly and promptly steps on Vicki’s broken foot. I die. What a shit show.

Kelly, Gina, and Emily go out on jet skis, and remember, Gina is afraid of the water. Like, really afraid. Which makes this a completely reasonable activity.

Meanwhile, the Tres Amigas and Braunwyn get on a boat for the parasailing, and they have to haul Vicki’s busted-up ass aboard. She wisely opts out of the actual parasailing and just hangs out on the boat. Smart girl.

Tamra and Shannon do the parasailing, and I do not like it. It looks scary and loud, and Shannon keeps shrieking.

Back to Gina, she sees a shark and freaks out like a buffalo chicken. She is really afraid of the water. Shannon is shrieking much louder, though, so at least Gina doesn’t have to take the title of Most Terrified.

Emily, Kelly, and Gina have lunch, and Kelly says that Vicki gets hurt so often she should be in a convalescent home. LMAO. Housewives really do have a way with words.

Tamra thinks Kelly needs shock treatment, and Kelly feels like Vicki hates her. We see old scenes of Vicki being a shitty friend to Kelly, and, honestly, I can see why Kelly feels that way.

Now all of the women are wondering if they will even be able to enjoy their dinner cruise that evening with the group this fractured. Because nothing says relaxing vacation like wondering which of your friends is going to start a fight on a boat.

On the dinner cruise, Vicki hands out custom hats she had made for everyone, with Kelly’s saying “Krazy AF.” Kelly says she won’t wear it and that Vicki is poking the bear.

It’s a formidable bear.

Emily tries to talk to Kelly about her anger. Emily thinks that she, too, is reactionary, like Kelly. Emily believes it is rubbing off on her daughter, Annabelle, and she hates seeing it. She and Kelly discuss going to therapy together to work on their issues.

Good for them.

Tamra and Kelly make nice again, and Tamra wants Vicki and Kelly to make up. It doesn’t happen. Kelly walks off. Vicki denies any fault in the situation, as Vicki does.

Vicki is the Ramona of the West Coast.

Next, we are back in the OC. Shannon and Tamra are preparing to host Vicki’s engagement party. Gina’s daughter wants to be Batgirl when she grows up. Me, too.

Tamra, Eddie, Braunwyn, and her husband go out to dinner. Braunwyn tries to prove how cute and flirty she is. Braunwyn is really annoying.

I am bored now that Vicki has stopped hurting herself and Kelly isn’t calling anyone a pig.

Shannon and her date arrive at dinner, too. They all gossip about Vicki and Kelly and agree they are both dirty and go low. This conversation is getting old.

Kelly goes to the batting cage with her boyfriend, Dr. Brian, and it’s really boring. He agrees that she should work on her anger problems, so apparently everyone in Kelly’s life has reached the same conclusion.

Kelly wonders where their relationship is heading and says she won’t move in with him unless they are engaged. She is also nervous about Vicki’s upcoming engagement party.

That’s about it.

I feel like this is a lot of filler leading up to the party.

We see Gina packing up her Coto house. She is downsizing. Her kids are very cute.

Filler, filler, filler.

She’s taken her extensions out, as per Kelly’s brutal suggestion. It looks better, but still not great. Gina’s current-day hair is better.

She calls her mom and says she and Matt have decided not to get divorced after all.

Well, that was a quick turnaround!

I don’t think it’s gonna go so well, unfortunately, but then again, hindsight is everything.

At Tamra’s house, we see her son Spencer, who is on the show for the first time in years now that he has turned 18. He has a lot of tattoos and piercings, and Tamra has some misgivings about them.

Her older son, Ryan, comes over to hash out some issues with Spencer. They have been trading insults on social media because Spencer called Ryan a racist. They all bicker a bit.

Spencer has just gone through a breakup and feels like Tamra wasn’t there for him. Tamra disagrees. Spencer is frustrated that the family can’t have deep conversations. He is over it.

So am I.

Kelly and Emily follow through on their plan to meet with a therapist for their anger issues. It goes well, but it’s one session, and I am not buying that it will change anything for either of them.

We do get some nice clips of them each being angry, though.

It’s not as much fun as the Key West scenes, but I will take it.
RHOC, Season 14, Episode 17–Wild, Wild Key West, Key West, Part 2

August 20, 2026

It’s the second episode of the Key West trip, but we aren’t actually in Key West yet. Instead, Kelly and Tamra are arguing about who sucks more dick for money. So, basically, we are right where we left off.

Kelly admits she spoke to Jim Bellino to hurt Tamra. She wanted Tamra to stop talking about her. Gina assures Kelly that Tamra has actually had her back this whole time, and just like that, Kelly is remorseful and wants to apologize to Tamra.

She gives Tamra a big hug. Tamra cries. And suddenly, they are good.

That was easy.

Vicki wants to go to Key West and have fun already, and so do I.

Shannon can’t believe how quickly Tamra and Kelly made amends, and Shannon wants Kelly to stay away from her. The Tres Amigas don scarves and glasses and hop into the convertibles for the drive to Key West.

Emily says they look like the geriatric version of Thelma and Louise.

Kelly tells them to drive off the cliff.

LMAO.

On the drive, Vicki gets a text from a woman Kelly fought in a bar. She says Kelly fractured her hand, and Vicki has been communicating with her and collecting information. Tamra advises Vicki to stop digging up dirt, and I hope she doesn’t, even though she really should.

Aaaand, Kelly is puking on the side of the highway, because what is a Housewives trip without a little puke? It’s usually Vicki, though.

Two hours later, they arrive at their gorgeous resort in Key West. They have a waterfront villa that looks amazing. I would stay there in a hot pink minute if Bravo would pay for it.

They unpack, get changed, and prepare to go to a drag show.

While they are getting ready, Gina and Emily discuss Vicki and how she has been talking to the woman Kelly had the bar fight with. They agree that Vicki is out of bounds and that someone should tell Kelly.

Oh, I hope they do.

Kelly is gonna go BANANAS.

Vicki calls her daughter, Jolie, to tell her how much she hates Vicki. Jolie hates her, too. Jolie is like thirteen and probably shouldn’t be involved in any of this, but I don’t have kids, so who am I to say anything?

The Key West cats are all over the resort. I love the Key West cats! They have six toes.

On each paw. Not total.

Anyhow, they have fun at the drag show. Gina says the performers remind her of the women on Long Island, and I laugh.

It’s true.

After the show, they hit the bar for shots. It must be the middle of the night by now, and I am tired just thinking about it.

Gina brings up Vicki and the woman she is talking to about Kelly. Kelly asks Vicki about insurance, randomly. Maybe she is trying to connect with her? I don’t know.

The Vicki/Kelly situation is going to explode. Big time.

Gina is stuck on telling Kelly that Vicki is talking to that woman, and she won’t let it go. They are shrieking about it right next to Kelly.

This should go well.

It’s 1:30 a.m., and Shannon drops the bomb. She tells Kelly that Vicki is talking to the woman who alleges Kelly broke her hand.

It takes Kelly a beat to process this. Then Vicki says she is physically afraid of Kelly because of the stories she has heard.

Vicki and Kelly get in each other’s faces about who hurts people more. Kelly says Vicki hurts people with cancer and calls her a con woman.

Vicki calls Kelly a bully and a slut.

And we are officially in Key West.

The Tres Amigas exit the bar, and Vicki is screaming on the sidewalk. She wants to go back to the hotel and put her PJs on.

She is not a con woman! She has never conned anybody in her life!

Christ, she is loud.

Kelly cries and wonders why she is being attacked so much.

The next day, the women are getting ready to head out on some tiki bar boats, which sounds absolutely awesome to me. I very much want to do this, but I don’t have enough friends.

Although, a solo drunken tiki voyage doesn’t sound half bad right about now.

The tiki boats look really cool. They come with a bartender. Who wouldn’t love this?

But, of course, we know the Housewives won’t have fun. What a waste of a perfectly good tiki.

Vicki wants to whoop it up. Gina is afraid of the water and thinks there are perfectly good bars on land, which, honestly, is probably the most Gina thing imaginable.

Vicki discusses her fake wedding plans. Kelly asks Tamra what is wrong with Vicki that she is interfering with her life? Tamra says Vicki intends to apologize. Kelly doesn’t seem too receptive, so we shall see how that goes.

The women get in the beautiful water and immediately pee in it.

Gross.

Braunwyn gets stung by a sea sponge. Kelly hauls Emily out of the water, and it’s hilarious.

Oh, but it is about to get so much better.

Kelly is on the phone with her ex-husband, Michael, and yells over to Vicki, “Michael says he has a lot of dirt on you and that your engagement is going to implode!”

Vicki asks why Kelly is such a terrible person, and Kelly SCREAMS back, “I am talking to Michael, you fucking pig!”

Everyone is stunned.

I don’t know why.

This is Kelly we’re talking about.

Vicki makes BJ gestures at Kelly, and Kelly immediately fires back that Vicki is wearing the perfect color for the pig that she is: pink.

It is rapid-fire, brutal, and honestly hilarious.

Emily points out that there is no need to attack Vicki’s looks when it is so easy to attack her character instead.

She’s got a point.

The boat ride is over, and I have to say, I enjoyed it.

I would never want to be in a room with Kelly Dodd. She scares me.

But man, oh man, do I enjoy watching her.

Back at the hotel, the Tres Amigas have cake.

I will NOT make any pig jokes.

I will not.

All of the women agree that they cannot have a group dinner because Kelly and Vicki cannot be in the same room without someone needing a referee. So they divide up into two groups.

Kelly admits that she loses her temper around Vicki and goes low. She tells Braunwyn and Emily that she does this because she has always felt ganged up on, and when she is hurt, she wants to win.

She lashes back. She gets angry quickly. She says she is like her mother that way.

And honestly, for all of Kelly’s chaos, this is probably the most self-aware we’ve seen her be.

Vicki, Tamra, Shannon, and Gina head out to Bagatelle, a fantastic little restaurant.

If you are ever in Key West, go there. You won’t be sorry.

They discuss Gina’s marriage, and she again says that she knows if they ever got back together, things would be good between them.

Tamra thinks Gina should give Matt another chance.

Shannon looks alarmed.

She tells us she thought the same thing after David’s affair, and that once a husband has checked out, he is gone.

Vicki says husbands only check out when they are not in a happy home, and Shannon takes offense.

She thinks her home was happy.

Okay.

They agree that only time will tell if Gina’s marriage will work out.

Then we hear that Shannon’s kids say their parents’ fighting caused them to have issues, and Shannon feels guilty.

I wonder if David does?

We see more flashbacks of Shannon and David fighting in front of their kids, and honestly, I am glad they are finally divorced.

I bet the kids are, too.

The Tres Amigas and Gina hit Duval Street for some shots, while the other women head back to the resort and go to bed like responsible adults.

Those shots pay off for the viewers.

Suddenly, Tamra is naked in the pool, Shannon is stripped down to her Spanx, Vicki is absolutely smashed, and they are being chased by security.

And then—

BAM.

Vicki down!

Yes, Vicki’s obligatory trip injury has arrived.

She falls, and she falls hard.

We get flashbacks of Vicki falling down over the years, and honestly, it is fabulous. At this point, a Housewives trip without Vicki getting injured would almost feel incomplete.

An ambulance comes for her.

I hope she has good insurance.

Check back for Part 3, because more chaos awaits!
RHOC, Season 14, Episode 17–Florida Fun and Fury, Key West, Part 1

August 20, 2026

It’s bright and early, and I’m up recapping crazy Housewives in Key West by request. It’s not a bad gig. I’ve got a cat on either side of me, a cup of coffee, and I’m ready to go. Let’s dig in.

In the OC, Kelly is meeting Braunwyn for lunch. Braunwyn is getting ready for the Miami/Key West trip she planned for the ladies, but Kelly is not exactly chomping at the bit to go. She doesn’t want to spend time with the Tres Amigas, or, as she calls them, the “Witches of Eastwick.”

Kelly is smack dab in the middle of a lot of controversy. So far this season, she has been accused of pulling a sex train, and now she’s been contacting Jim Bellino, who is suing both Tamra and Shannon. Kelly feels picked on, and she is heading into this trip already worked up. Because nothing says relaxing tropical vacation like showing up with a list of grievances.

Meanwhile, Tamra and Gina go shopping for bathing suits and talk about Kelly. Tamra hasn’t even seen her in three weeks, and things between them are not good. So we have bathing suits, old grudges, lawsuits, and a tropical vacation on the horizon. What could possibly go wrong?

Tamra doesn’t know why Kelly is coming for her. Kelly just goes ballistic when she’s mad, which is a fact. Braunwyn promises to have Kelly’s back in Florida, and Kelly agrees to go. She is not going to let the Tres Amoebas ruin her fun.

Shannon, meanwhile, is on her way to a divorce court proceeding. She filed two years ago, and she and David have been fighting it out in court ever since. Shannon wishes things were easier, but the whole process has been nasty and emotional.

Vicki invites everybody but Kelly and Braunwyn over for snackies and drinks. She has some news. She also got falafel, which I love. Vicki can’t pronounce it, but that is not going to stop her from serving it.

Vicki starts gesturing around with her left hand until all the women finally notice the engagement ring she made Steve give her. Her love tank is full, and she is engaged.

Vicki has the worst taste in men. Except for Don. He was a boss.

But Vicki is happy, and the other women are happy for her. Emily points out that Vicki must have sold a lot of insurance to afford that ring, and I agree.

Shannon arrives and says she has reached a final settlement in her divorce. She also received an email from David saying he is proud of her and hopes they can move forward. Shannon is moved.

So we have an engagement and a divorce at one fancy snacks party. Only in the OC.

Shannon is sulky about going to Key West because David started his affair there. I don’t get holding that against a whole lovely little island, but whatever. Key West did not participate in the affair, Shannon.

Gina’s estranged husband, Matt, is trying to woo her back. She thinks he has changed and would never cheat on her again. That’s a chance I wouldn’t take, but that’s me.

We cut to Braunwyn’s house, where she is packing for Miami and Key West. She and her husband will spend a few days in Miami before meeting up with the girls. They’ll spend one night in Miami, and then all of the women will finally head to Key West.

Braunwyn and her husband are boring. I never warmed to them.

Braunwyn hopes Vicki will be nice to her on the trip, and maybe even learn her actual name instead of calling her “Boring-Wind.” Good luck with that.

Tamra heads to Vicki’s, and we are still not in Florida. I just want to go to Key West.

Vicki is making taco salads, and her whole family, along with Steve’s family, is over. Briana has lupus. I do, too. It sucks. I wonder how she deals with all the sunshine in the OC. I can’t with the sun.

Vicki starts pushing Steve about when they are going to get married. He is so creepy and so obviously not into her that it isn’t even funny.

Tamra arrives and puts her stamp of approval on the blended family and the engagement.

That’s her opinion!!

We finally get to Miami. Braunwyn and her boring husband, complete with his big old necklace, are waiting for the other women to arrive so they can spend one night partying in Miami before driving to Key West.

Braunwyn says Miami is the most fun place in the world and that she misses living there. Nobody really cares.

The women arrive at the Miami airport, and most of them are avoiding Kelly. Braunwyn and her husband pick them up in convertibles.

This would annoy me. I like my air conditioning. And my hair.

It’s a windy ride, and Kelly says Gina better hold on to her fried hair. Kelly is coming to Florida swinging.

At the hotel, everyone fixes their wind-blown hair, and Braunwyn leaves a cake, champagne, and flowers for Vicki in her room to celebrate her fake engagement. Vicki is touched and decides to be nice to Braunwyn.

She nearly puts her eye out opening the champagne.

I love it.

They hit the clubs, and everyone is dancing and having a good time so far. They don’t even go out until 11, and I am tired just thinking about it.

Shannon is wearing hair extensions, and Kelly thinks she looks ridiculous. Kelly is pretty much mad at everyone at this point, and it shows. She blows off some steam by dancing her face off at the club.

Tamra dances like a thirsty little ho, which grosses Kelly out. She confronts the Tres Amigas and asks why they are mad at her. They won’t really engage with her or give her an answer.

On the bus back to the hotel, Shannon is laughing and proud of herself for dancing it up at da club. Kelly starts swinging again and tells Gina her hair is awful. Then, in the hotel lobby, she grabs Shannon’s hair and tells her she needs to cut it because it “looks like shit.”

This bursts Shannon’s bubble big time.

The next morning, the women meet up by the pool, and Gina gets stung by a bee. Tamra immediately wants to pee on her.

Braunwyn checks on Shannon to see how she is after the hair confrontation. Shannon is bummed that Kelly is so mean. Besides, she thought her hair looked cute.

So there.

Kelly and Tamra avoid each other at the pool bar while discussing each other within earshot of one another. Because apparently direct communication is not an option.

Braunwyn tries to bridge the gap and get them to talk. She thinks the Jim Bellino situation needs to be addressed, and Kelly says she wasn’t wrong.

Kelly feels like Shannon and Tamra just look for reasons to be mad at her.

Kelly calls Shannon over, and Shannon admits she is mad about the Jim Bellino thing. Then Tamra is there, and she is mad, too.

Kelly says she contacted Jim Bellino to retaliate for all of the rumors Tamra has been spreading. Tamra denies spreading anything. Tamra is screaming that she has only ever stuck up for Kelly.

Kelly says, “People that lie get sued!”

So there, again.

Tamra storms off yelling, “Go suck some more dick for money, Kelly!”

Could you imagine staying at one of these fabulous resorts as a real guest and seeing or hearing this shit go down? I would want my money back.

And we haven’t even gotten to Wild Wild Key West yet!