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And I really want the comments sections to become our own little dinosaur sandbox—a place where we can all gather, dish, argue, laugh, and lovingly drag the Housewives together.
So keep reading, keep commenting, keep sending me your suggestions, and let’s see how big this ridiculous little Jurassic Snark universe can get.
We open with Day 3 on the yacht, and the crew is preparing for the guests to have breakfast and yoga. It’s their last day on the boat, and everyone is hoping for a good one since pretty much every other day has been a complete shit show.
Heather just wants to see Captain Jason’s downward dog, which seems like a perfectly reasonable goal.
Britani is still feeling like everyone has piled on her the entire trip. We immediately cut to Meredith doing exactly that, calling Britani disgusting and an idiot. Meredith also isn’t particularly happy with Whitney.
Heather thinks Britani should be prepared for a mountain of shit after telling Meredith that Seth has a mistress. And apparently, the punishment is going to involve a unicorn.
The unicorn makes another appearance when Bronwyn steals it from Britani’s room and delivers it to Meredith. They decide that the poor unicorn is an appropriate sacrifice for all of Britani’s bad behavior.
Honestly, that unicorn has been through enough.
They don Bronwyn’s inflatable costumes and make their way to the deck, where they throw the poor sucker into the ocean.
It’s only 9:42 a.m., and this day is already off to quite a start.
The ladies sit down for breakfast, and Lisa immediately needs Advil. Britani plants her ass right next to Meredith, which seems like a terrible decision considering Meredith currently wants nothing to do with her.
Whitney asks everyone if they are tired and is met with complete silence. I guess the answer is yes.
Meredith and Britani start going at it, and then Meredith turns her attention to Whitney for not telling her about the Seth/TikTok video. Whitney apologizes, and Meredith accepts this by turning her back to Britani and pretending she doesn’t exist.
Meredith is twelve.
The crew says these women are the loudest people they have ever met, which seems like a pretty impressive accomplishment considering the number of people they have probably encountered on yachts.
Meredith tells the women that if they support Britani, she is done with all of them, and Heather gets pissed.
Bronwyn asks Mary to chime in “as a woman of God.” Mary wants absolutely no part of this. This is above her pay grade.
The women leave breakfast and start packing up. Britani can’t find her unicorn, which is becoming a much bigger problem than anyone could have anticipated.
They disembark and thank the crew, all of whom look like they have been through a war.
And, in a way, they have.
Just as everyone is leaving, one of the crew members comes running over with something.
Holy shit. It’s the unicorn.
It’s soaking wet, and Britani immediately wants to know why.
No one says a word.
Finally, Bronwyn and Meredith admit that they threw the unicorn into the water. They insist it was a joke but it was pretty damn mean.
Poor unicorn. It didn’t ask for any of this.
Next, we learn that although the cameras didn’t capture it, Meredith went absolutely fucking crazy on Britani during the flight home.
Apparently, Meredith was yelling, screaming, and crying about the TikTok video. She had already made a huge scene at the airport, and the meltdown continued throughout the flight. She allegedly raged at Britani for the entire trip home.
All of the women are shocked by this, except Bronwyn, who flew home separately and therefore missed the whole thing.
Britani says Meredith was also shaking her seat and splashing wine on her throughout the flight.
Meredith denies all of it.
When they finally land, Britani has to be escorted off the plane in tears.
Two days later, Mary and Bronwyn are at lunch, and Mary fills Bronwyn in on the flight from hell.
I am really sorry we missed this. It sounds absolutely legit.
Whitney also rehashes the flight with her husband, while Lisa fills John in on what happened.
At this point, it’s pretty clear that Meredith’s behavior on the flight has become the star of the entire trip.
I thought it was the unicorn.
Heather meets up with Britani for lunch, and Britani is in victim mode.
It’s hard to judge her reaction when we didn’t actually see what happened on the plane, but based on everyone’s descriptions, it sounds like Meredith went completely off the rails.
Heather can’t justify Meredith’s behavior, and Britani says she has trauma from the whole experience.
Heather slept through much of the flight, but even what she did hear was bad.
Britani is mostly surprised that Lisa turned on her after all the times Britani has defended her. Apparently, Lisa was part of the bullying on the plane and was even egging Meredith on.
This sounds about right.
Heather says the whole thing has changed how she views both Meredith and Lisa.
She is firmly on Britani’s side. And the unicorn’s.
Bronwyn meets up with Whitney, and naturally, they discuss the plane ride some more.
I am getting sick of hearing about something we don’t even get to see. It’s frustrating.
Bronwyn is frustrated too and starts wondering if the women are exaggerating what happened.
Then Bronwyn drops a bomb.
Apparently, it’s been all over Twitter that someone saw her husband looking at photos and texts from other women on a flight.
Bronwyn was so upset that she made Todd stay at a hotel and leave for his business trip early.
She tells Whitney that if they had an open marriage, that would be one thing, but the deceit is what makes her angry.
Whitney says she has had conversations about marriage “agreements” in her own relationship.
And suddenly, we have moved from the wet unicorn to everybody’s marriage.
At Angie’s house, we see her getting her daughter ready for a trip and horse show.
Angie says her daughter keeps her grounded, and she wants to expose her to more Greek culture. She wants her daughter to go to the Olympics.
Her daughter is considerably less enthusiastic about this plan.
Angie is disappointed and wants her daughter to be more grateful for her ancestry, while her daughter seems considerably more interested in horses.
This is probably an interesting conversation for their family, but coming right after the yacht scenes, it’s a bit of a letdown.
Heather has brunch with Lisa, who arrives extremely late.
I can’t believe Heather waited over an hour. I wouldn’t have.
They discuss all the craziness of the trip, and Heather says Britani is refusing to be around either Lisa or Meredith.
Lisa denies any wrongdoing.
They go back and forth for a while, and once again, we’re stuck discussing the flight that we never actually get to see.
It’s draining because we have no idea who is telling the truth about what happened.
At this point, I feel like I need the fucking airplane footage more than anything else.
Meredith meets up with Mary, and this should be fun because the last time they spoke, Mary told Meredith she was boring and to jump in the ocean.
Mary is concerned about Meredith’s behavior on the plane. She says she has never seen Meredith act like that before.
Meredith asks Mary what she thinks happened on the plane.
Mary says she was there and knows exactly what happened: Meredith attacked Britani.
For hours.
Meredith says she was just venting to Lisa and didn’t even know Britani could hear her.
Mary says it went on for way too long and is concerned that Meredith is remembering things very inaccurately.
At this point, it’s pretty clear these women are never going to agree about what happened on that flight.
And, more importantly, we are never going to know for sure because THEY DIDN’T SHOW US.
At least we solved the unicorn mystery.
Now if we could just figure out where the hell that cucumber came from.
We’re back in Jamaica with the ladies, and Shannon Beador has been gearing up to completely lose her shit.
I love a good Shannon-style meltdown.
She has to move, she went through an ugly divorce, and her life is generally a mess, so this trip is basically the perfect storm for a Shannon meltdown.
Let’s dig in.
On night two of the trip, the girls are getting ready for dinner in the mind-numbing heat. Shannon is not happy. She can’t function in the heat and it’s giving her swamp ass. Vicki and Shannon take turns fanning their vaginas. At least they do this before dinner.
Gina and Emily again discuss how rude Shannon is being, which seems to be the theme of the trip. Shannon and Vicki drink on the way to dinner and are ready to whoop it up! The women have to wait for them and are a little annoyed.
Shannon announces that she is having her eyes done when she gets back to California, so this is her party night.
Brace yourself.
They start talking about Kelly’s dating life, and she jokingly teaches Gina how to flirt. Shannon looks judgy and keeps drinking. She is bored, and she is not hiding it.
Tamra is tired of Shannon hating any conversation that doesn’t revolve around Shannon. She promises that Fun Shannon is coming out.
Shannon admits she is not good with change, but says she is trying to open up to Gina and Emily, even though they are the new girls this season.
We see a flashback of Shannon’s silent dinner with Gina, which ironically, was not at The Quiet Woman.
Shannon starts getting her crazy hands going and says she is under a lot of pressure and the women don’t understand. Tamra and all the other women agree that they have stuff going on in their lives, too. Especially Gina, who is in the middle of a divorce with three young kids.
Emily chimes in, and Shannon immediately jumps on her.
Tamra says Gina and Emily feel like Shannon doesn’t even look at them. Shannon insists Tamra is one of her best friends, and Gina hits her with, “Oh, yeah, and you don’t even check on her when her husband has surgery.”
And just like that, Gina puts Tamra on the spot.
Shannon is pissed and tells Gina not to go there. Shannon just wants to have fun. She just needs a few more drinks.
Fun Shannon is nowhere in sight as Shannon goes after Gina. Gina tells her to let Tamra speak for herself. Tamra’s frozen face looks as nervous as it possibly can, and she hesitates.
That’s enough for Shannon.
She bounces from the table and storms into the bathroom. Tamra follows her, and we hear Shannon screaming through the door. Tamra just wants her to calm down.
Shannon insists that her problems are bigger than anybody else’s. Tamra tells her to flip the switch and start being more positive.
Shannon yells that she is positive!
But she’s overwhelmed.
They have been in the bathroom for so long that the restaurant is closing, and they have to leave.
Kelly tries to talk to Shannon on the way to the van back to the hotel. Shannon is all wound up and not willing to listen to anyone.
Kelly confirms that Tamra says Shannon is not there for her and is a selfish friend. Shannon puts her icy face on and gets on the bus.
Tamra tries to talk to her and be positive, but Shannon calls her out for talking shit and saying Shannon is not a good friend. Shannon just wants a moment to be left alone.
The other women look exhausted by her.
The women plan a nightcap, and Shannon storms upstairs to take a moment and wash her face. She doesn’t want to be filmed and yells at production to stop following her.
Shannon does this all the time.
Tamra goes after her, and Shannon keeps yelling. She wants ten minutes to herself to decompress.
Shannon takes her ten minutes.
Tamra says this is why she is afraid to ever confront Shannon, and Kelly says that isn’t much of a friendship. Gina feels responsible for unleashing the Beador Beast.
Tamra says that Shannon has never worked and has no concept of real life. Vicki agrees that Shannon has rich girl problems, not real problems.
Don’t they all?
Kelly and Tamra discuss Shannon’s midnight, teary phone calls, and Vicki says maybe Shannon needs to get on some meds if she is crying every day.
I love my meds, so I am all for this.
Kelly says David must have been a saint to stay with Shannon every day, and WOW, is she ever lucky Shannon doesn’t hear that.
At 12:30 a.m., the girls get Shannon and tell her they can finally move to a villa with air conditioning.
Hallelujah.
Shannon is too hurt and upset to pack up, so they stay fighting in the heat for now. Shannon is furious with Tamra for talking about her. Vicki and Kelly try to stick up for Tamra and get Shannon to calm the fuck down, but we are way past that stage of the game.
Shannon says everyone is turning on her and insists that she has always defended Vicki, which is categorically untrue. She was totally against Vicki for a long time.
Vicki calls her out on this, and now they are both yelling.
Kelly screams at Shannon that she is going to give herself a heart attack and needs to relax. Shannon points out that Kelly is rarely calm, and honestly, fair point.
Shannon again insists the women don’t understand what she is going through. They remind her that they all have their own shit, but Shannon is having none of it. Tamra says Shannon cries every night. Shannon insists she doesn’t do that.
Anymore.
Kelly brings up medication, and Shannon freaks out like a buffalo chicken. She gets wildly defensive, waving her hands around like she is directing traffic.
Tamra has officially had enough and tells Shannon to stop screaming for once in her life and actually listen.
Instead, Shannon starts rattling off her problems and accomplishments like she is presenting her résumé to a jury.
No one can get through to her.
Shannon insists she is excited about her life and doesn’t cry. She is tearing up and wiping her eyes as she says this, by the way.
Kelly is being surprisingly calm for a change, while Shannon continues yelling over her. Tamra just wants Shannon to shut up, which is probably not going to happen anytime soon.
They start screaming at each other again, and Shannon is still pissed that everyone wants her to go on medication. Tamra denies actually saying that.
The two finally storm away from each other, and at this point, I am wondering why the hell they are still standing in this heat instead of going to the air-conditioned room.
I would be.
The next day is Day 3 in Jamaica, and everyone has a Shannon hangover.
Vicki and Tamra are happily enjoying the air conditioning in the new villa, while Kelly calls her daughter.
Vicki calls room service and asks the operator if she thinks Shannon will like her again.
I don’t know why, but this absolutely cracks me the fuck up.
I love Vicki when she is being silly and not self-righteous.
We find out that Shannon has moved into a room by herself, and nobody has seen her since. They keep trying to call her, but Shannon is apparently in witness protection.
The women head out to go bobsledding.
Tamra reveals that Eddie is actually happy she finally had it out with Shannon. He finds Shannon annoying and thinks she treats Tamra like shit.
Tamra feels validated.
The other women are shocked.
And Shannon is still hiding.
They arrive at the bobsledding place, and Vicki immediately starts twerking. Everyone wonders if she has had butt implants.
I think she just has a big butt and likes to show it off.
I would, too.
Everyone agrees they are having a lot more fun than they did the night before, which isn’t exactly a high bar.
They do the bobsled, and it actually looks like a lot of fun.
Shannon would hate it.
So would I.
I am more of an indoor girl.
Vicki decides to buy Shannon a souvenir T-shirt, proudly announcing that Shannon is an extra large while Vicki is a medium.
She makes sure everyone knows this.
Several times.
It makes me laugh.
At lunch, they discuss and feel Vicki’s ass some more. Vicki wants to drink, drink, drink.
They talk more about Shannon, who is still ignoring everyone. Vicki genuinely hopes she is okay, while everyone else seems to think it is The Shannon Show, as usual.
Vicki says she has seen Shannon drinking vodka in the middle of the night before, and they all agree that she is basically self-medicating.
The episode ends without Shannon ever resurfacing, and the ladies seem to have a surprisingly great time once The Shannon Show goes off the air.
The episode starts the morning after the Lisa Barlow fight at dinner, and everyone is looking a little worse for wear.
Bronwyn is sleeping on the deck because apparently she would rather risk being eaten by a shark than sleep with Britani. Meanwhile, the crew is trying to get the boat back in order after the previous night’s festivities.
Heather is hungover and reflecting on the whole Lisa situation. She thinks Lisa looks at friendships like a scorecard, keeping track of who has done what for her and who owes her something. Heather also still believes Lisa is the source of all the information that keeps leaking from the group.
Lisa, of course, is still denying everything. She is hoping everyone wakes up and realizes they treated her horribly at dinner and feels bad about it.
Angie is doing considerably better and, most importantly, has stopped puking everywhere. So that’s a win.
Lisa comes on deck and everyone goes completely silent.
Britani asks Lisa how she is feeling, which seems innocent enough, but naturally turns into Britani talking shit about Bronwyn. The only problem is that Bronwyn is sitting on the deck and can hear the entire conversation.
Mary and Angie meet up with Bronwyn, who doubles down on everything she has said about Britani. And honestly, everyone seems to kind of hate Britani at this point. I still don’t understand why she is on this trip. I was surprised when she made it past her first season as a friend.
Everyone gathers for breakfast and discusses the plans for the day. They are heading to a private island for snorkeling and sunbathing, followed by a zombie-themed dinner.
That all sounds pretty fun, but Bronwyn has a more immediate problem: she still does not want to sleep with Britani.
She is trying to find somewhere else to sleep for the night because she does not want to stay in Britani’s room. Apparently, Britani keeps trying to bring crew members back to the room.
Shots fired.
Britani denies flirting with all the crew, and we see flashbacks of her doing so. Meredith says Britani had Captain Jason in her room last night. Britani says it was to fix her air conditioning. I have a feeling that was a ruse to get him into her room, but whatever. He seems totally disinterested, so it’s a non- issue, but the women are bothered that Britani is being a slutty Mc. Slutterson. Lisa says to stop piling on Britani and not to drag Captain Jason into it. Bronwyn calls Lisa out for talking shit about her just moments before.
Bronwyn starts screaming, and Mary apparently decides this is the perfect time for Angie to start barfing again so they can escape below deck.
Instead, Angie jumps into the argument and piles on Lisa, saying that Lisa absolutely does talk shit about Bronwyn and Todd.
Apparently, one of Lisa’s friends told her that Todd, Bronwyn’s husband, was making out with another woman while farting the entire time.
How sexy. Bronwyn really picked herself a winner there.
Bronwyn is seriously pissed and tells Lisa that she is dead to her.
How very Jersey of her.
Mary doesn’t know which part of the story is more devastating: the cheating accusation or the farting accusation.
Honestly, same. LMAO.
Mary gets ready for the private island, struggling to get some kind of Pancho Villa outfit on over her hat. It is probably the most lighthearted moment of the episode so far.
Bronwyn is determined to have a great time despite everything that happened the night before and that morning.
They arrive at the private island, and it is absolutely stunning. Even better, they have the entire island to themselves!
Of course, I’m immediately thinking, why do I feel like they are going to waste this beautiful day fighting the entire time?
Angie pulls Bronwyn aside on the beach and apologizes for not having her back more. She encourages Bronwyn to stay strong against Lisa, who is meanwhile living her best life and getting a massage on the sand.
Lisa confides in Mary about Meredith not supporting her. They agree that Meredith does try to support Lisa in her own way, but Lisa just doesn’t feel it.
Meredith comes over and insists that she supports Lisa both privately and publicly. Mary thinks their relationship is bizarre.
She ain’t wrong.
Mary supports Lisa and goes against Meredith, which is unusual. Then shit gets intense really fast, and Mary tells Meredith to go jump in the ocean and calls her boring.
I love Mary when she gets like this.
Meredith does what she does best and disengages.
Britani is getting a massage from one of the crew, so she is finally getting some action. Meanwhile, Heather is having fun with Bronwyn. They snorkel with stingrays and swim with them like Nemo.
Heather is surprised by how much fun she is having because she was pretty committed to being annoyed by Bronwyn.
They play a game of “Never Have I Ever,” and Heather asks if anyone has ever farted while making out with someone. Bronwyn feels that is a little too close to home, so they switch to a drinking game.
This entire trip seems like one giant drinking game.
Britani face-plants during the game, and it is Bronwyn’s favorite part of the trip so far.
I can’t say I blame her.
They head back to the yacht to get ready for the zombie dinner. The ladies want Captain Jason to have dessert with them, preferably shirtless. I feel like this was Britani’s request.
Bronwyn bought inflatable costumes for everyone to wear. She and Angie put theirs on, and it’s cute until Angie gets her finger caught in the door and there is suddenly blood everywhere.
Angie is having quite a time of it on this trip. She is becoming the Vicki of the franchise, always managing to hurt herself on trips.
Angie wanders around bleeding in her goldfish costume, and it’s so ridiculous that one has to laugh.
The other women get their zombie gear on for dinner, and they manage to get zombie makeup and fake blood all over the yacht.
It’s awful.
At dinner, the entire deck is decorated for the theme, and even the crew gets in on the fun. Heather has been doing a little pre-gaming, which seems like an excellent idea considering this group.
Bronwyn tells everyone that she told Todd what they have been saying about him. Apparently, her husband is tired of being the punchline for the women.
Maybe he should stop farting all over strangers.
Bronwyn wants everyone’s families to be off limits, and Lisa agrees to keep her mouth shut about Todd. The two of them somewhat move on from the fight.
Bronwyn acknowledges Lisa, but makes it clear that Lisa’s words mean nothing to her.
The boat is rocking, and Britani gets up to throw up. She then comes back to the table and immediately has a shot.
Meredith calls her out for drinking tequila when she just threw up and starts quizzing everyone about whether they would drink while they were actively vomiting. Everyone tells her to lay off Britani.
Then Britani says she is concerned about a TikTok she saw claiming that Meredith’s husband has a girlfriend.
Oh, damn.
That pivoted quickly.
Meredith is about to have a seizure. She calls Britani a liar and a despicable person and says she is just jealous because she can’t hold a man.
Suddenly, Meredith is throwing things.
Again.
Poor Captain Jason arrives for dessert, wearing his shirt, and nobody even notices him. He just bails out on all the drama and skips dessert.
The women are all embarrassed by their behavior, for a change, but the zombie ice cream cake looks great.
