In a perfectly beautiful sundress, in a perfectly beautiful villa in Colombia, Bethenny is crying.

Like, she won’t stop.

She cries to Dorinda that her life is too chaotic and scheduled. Dorinda is nice to her, but admits that Bethenny has certainly not always been the most sympathetic to any of them, and sometimes that karma comes back around.

While shopping with the other women, Carole says Bethenny just has to be the center of attention.

Sonja is, as always, Team Bethenny all the way.

Dorinda and Bethenny clean Bethenny up and head out to meet the other women in town. Sonja tries to rally Dorinda to Team Bethenny, but Dorinda just seems tired of it.

She wants to keep her mouth shut and shop.

Bethenny is shopping like she is rich, because, well, she really is. Like, super rich. So why the hell not?

I would shop like that if I were a sad, rich person too.

Carole is tired of Bethenny crying all the time and says so within earshot of Bethenny. But Carole just can’t understand why Bethenny is always breaking down and finds it unnerving.

The tension between them is thick.

Everyone but Sonja seems to be over Bethenny.

Then Sonja tells Bethenny that the other women are saying Bethenny is manipulative and a taker.

Bethenny tells us she has taken Carole on a lot of free trips, but that’s about it.

Okay, Bethenny. Keep the receipts.

Sonja tells her that Carole is tired of Bethenny’s negative energy, and Bethenny immediately calls her boyfriend, Dennis.

She wants to leave.

She wants a plane.

A whole plane. Just for herself. 

Bethenny works on getting herself out of Colombia while the other women head to a gorgeous lunch in town.

Bethenny and Sonja are drinking coconut juice straight from the coconut, and Luann warns them they’re going to get sick.

Bethenny is ranting a mile a minute to Dennis, but talking to him seems to calm her down. She decides to stay and heads to lunch.

Holy bipolar express, Batman.

I’m dizzy.

Once Bethenny arrives, lunch is super awkward. She manages to suck the joy out of an otherwise perfectly good-looking paella.

They head back to the house and rest up for a bit before dinner.

Bethenny bought a lot of stuff while shopping, and it’s actually fun to see. She and Sonja have some cute scenes together, and then it’s time for glam.

Carole, bizarrely, comes to Sonja’s room and gives her a pair of earrings.

These two aren’t even remotely close, so I don’t get it.

Neither does Sonja.

But she wears the earrings.

They gossip about Bethenny a bit. Carole says she doesn’t understand the tension between the two of them.

Sonja says Bethenny feels like Carole has no empathy.

I agree.

Carole is a cold fish.

They go to a beautiful restaurant and we all know that spells trouble. In the Housewives’ universe, the prettier the table, the messier the dinner. 

Sonja immediately tells Bethenny about her talk with Carole.

Bethenny says she’s over it and doesn’t care.

Sure.

Everyone is drinking except Luann, Sonja, and Carole. Luann says she has no interest.

Dorinda is swilling margaritas with her bright red lipstick smeared all over her face. We get several close-ups of this.

The food comes out and looks amazing.

No one will eat.

We know this.

Dorinda and Carole leave the table to smoke, and the table immediately starts gossiping about Carole.

Carole and Dorinda come back to the table, and Carole tells Bethenny they need to address the elephant in the room because it’s affecting the whole group.

Oh, good.

Dinner is about to go exactly as well as you’d expect.

At the end of the table, Bethenny and Carole debate who is at fault for their relationship implosion.

Bethenny says she can’t do it with an audience, as if she hasn’t been fighting with women on camera for a living for a decade.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the table, Luann asks Dorinda how the margaritas are.

And all hell breaks loose.

Dorinda says, “What?”

Luann says, “Oh oh, she’s starting to turn.”

Dorinda tells her not to say that and not to start, and Luann tells her she’s being aggressive.

Dorinda wants an apology and starts getting loud.

She calls Luann an ex-countess who lost her title, then tells her to drink some more and get arrested again.

It’s ugly.

And uncalled for.

Luann can absolutely be insufferable, but her comments here were mild enough. Dorinda is just an ugly drunk at this point.

Bethenny and Carole are now digging through an archive of their texts and yelling at each other, while Dorinda is getting ready to throw hands.

The other women are sitting in the middle of the table, seemingly oblivious to the wars happening on either side of them.

Then Dorinda breaks a glass.

That gets everyone’s attention.

A stunned Luann tries to leave the table and calls Dorinda out for being unladylike.

Dorinda responds, “At least I didn’t get a mugshot over it.”

Luann looks like she has just been punched.

I feel bad for her. She thinks Dorinda is her friend, and that was just cruel.

Meanwhile, Bethenny and Carole are still sniping at each other, and suddenly Ramona Singer, of all people, wants to be the voice of reason.

She tells Dorinda she doesn’t need another drink.

This is clearly the truth.

Dorinda does not need another drink.

Like, ever.

Bethenny and Carole agree that they’re just not that into each other anymore, but naturally, they keep fighting.

Dorinda says she will never speak to Luann again.

She’s slurring, spitting, and not making much sense. Eventually, Dorinda stomps off to smoke.

Luann comes back to the table to tell the women what Dorinda said to her and announces that she’s leaving.

The women comfort her, but Dorinda comes back in nasty mode, so Luann takes off.

Then Dorinda denies saying all the things she definitely just said to Luann.

Ramona wisely gets away from Dorinda. She knows better than to be around her when she’s like this.

Oh, Christ.

Bethenny and Carole are STILL going.

Ramona tells Dorinda that her personality changes after three drinks.

Dorinda throws gang hands at her and tells her to back off and shut her mouth.

Was she drinking red wine, or is that really Dorinda’s lipstick all over her face?

Carole hugs Bethenny, tells her she loves her, and walks away.

Bethenny cries some more. She says it is the worst vacation of her life. Carole feels like Bethenny gaslights her. They all go home. 

And the Colombian Dinner Party from Hell is over.

But the night has just begun.

On the ride home, Dorinda goes on and on about what a hypocrite Luann is about drinking now that she has been sober for five minutes. 

They agree that Luann is self-righteous, but everyone except Dorinda feels badly that she was crying.

Dorinda says she should cry.

Dorinda is mean.

Back at the house, Bethenny is walking the courtyards with a light-up balloon. Because apparently we’ve entered a very emotional Colombian birthday party.

She goes to Luann’s room, and Luann is crying.

She feels like Dorinda’s true feelings about her came out, and she’s really hurt.

Bethenny comforts Luann, because Bethenny is actually very nice to Luann when she doesn’t have any other friends to fight with.

Downstairs, Dorinda is drinking with that damn lipstick all over her face, trying to light cigarette after cigarette.

Bethenny tells Luann about Dorinda’s drunken dinner the night before they went to Puerto Rico and says she thinks Dorinda has a drinking problem.

Then the conversation turns back to Carole.

And I want to rip my hair out.

They are beating this shit to death.

We cut back to Dorinda drinking at the table.

She looks and sounds completely ripped.

Carole suggests she take a swim, and honestly, it’s a good idea.

As long as it’s supervised.

Now, suddenly, Dorinda feels badly about what she said to Luann.

But she insists—and slurs—that she deserves an apology.

She is incoherent, and it’s uncomfortable to watch. She tries to make some point about heroin addicts and Luann, but at this point it’s just word salad.

Bethenny comes down to the table and finally wipes the lipstick off Dorinda’s face.

Dorinda tries to light more cigarettes.

She drops them instead.

At this point, the margaritas have clearly won.

And the wine. 

Bethenny encourages Dorinda to make it nice with Luann in the morning, and Dorinda seems to agree.

But then she tells us Bethenny should mind her own business because her own friendships are always fucked up.

Fair enough.

Colombia is off to a rocking start.

We already have a busted-up Ramona, fractured friendships, and broken glass.

Check back for Part 3!

Tinsley has planned a trip to Cartagena, and we start with the women packing. They’re all looking forward to a good time, which is adorable considering this is the Real Housewives of New York.

Carole is packing some bizarre Beyoncé-wannabe outfit. I don’t know what the hell she’s planning to do in Colombia, but apparently she’s bringing choreography.

Ramona has injured her ankle and is hobbling around the streets of New York. It’s something to see. This woman has never met a minor inconvenience she couldn’t turn into a full-scale medical production.

Bethenny is moving apartments right after Cartagena, so naturally she reminds us that she is a very busy bee while her assistants pack for her. Because apparently even packing your own suitcase is beneath the workload of Bethenny Frankel.

They arrive in Colombia, and the streets of Cartagena look absolutely amazing. Beautiful architecture, colorful buildings, gorgeous scenery—and then there’s Ramona.

They can’t get Ramona’s crippled ass out of the airport and into the van. It turns into a full-on extraction mission. Ramona is the worst.

Bethenny brings up the red-scarf guy from the speed-dating event. He has been pursuing her relentlessly through text. Ramona also tried to make moves on him, and apparently Carole may be interested too.

Uh oh.

Here we go.

It’s Tom all over again.

Please don’t let it be about Tom.

Tinsley is concerned that the trip might not be luxurious enough for the other women. She’s been to Colombia before, but it’s everyone else’s first time, so she feels personally responsible for their level of comfort.

To me, the house looks great. It has huge open courtyards, tons of sunshine, and a beautiful pool. I could dig it.

They start out with some drinks and a tour, and there is even an elevator. Because nothing says luxury vacation quite like not having to walk upstairs.

Tinsley assigns the women’s rooms by leaving Tiffany necklaces with each woman’s initial in a random room. Whichever necklace they find determines their room.

It’s a super cute idea—and a really nice gift. Tinsley actually put some thought into this trip, which I appreciate.

The rooms all look great, and Bethenny—who hates when Sonja and Ramona bitch about the rooms—immediately starts bitching to Dorinda that she wants a fancy hotel and is unhappy.

Oh, the hypocrisy. It’s delicious.

Ramona barges into the kitchen and sees the fish soup. She hears the chefs say it’s fish soup. Remember that. More on that later.

Ramona has the staff unpacking her luggage while she goes to lunch. She is a nightmare.

Lunch looks great, including the fish soup. Bethenny takes some, and Ramona says, “Let me know how it tastes.”

Oops.

She forgot Bethenny is allergic to fish.

Bethenny starts coughing and says her throat itches. Sonja tells her to have a glass of wine 

Bethenny goes off to throw up and take a Benadryl.

The other women keep eating.

Absolutely no one checks on her.

We hear Bethenny retching and then see her curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor.

Alone.

And somehow, this is only the beginning of the trip.

A little later, Bethenny comes downstairs to show off her hives and swollen lips. Ramona thinks Bethenny should have communicated her allergy better.

Well, then.

They all get dressed for dinner, and Tinsley has a Scott-sponsored glam team with her.

For fuck’s sake. Ramona has ordered a wheelchair to hit the town in. I can’t with her.

Carole is wearing the weird Beyoncé costume, and Bethenny is feeling better.

Then Ramona gets stuck in the elevator.

I love it.

She’s kicking and yelling for help, but no one can hear her because the other women are downstairs talking about their ugly boobs instead.

Priorities.

Tinsley starts talking about her body image issues, and meanwhile Ramona is trapped upstairs fighting for her life in an elevator.

Eventually, Ramona gets out.

That’s a bummer.

Luann comes down in a Sofia Vergara wig.

She looks great. Luann loves a costume.

Next, Carole pushes Ramona’s wheelchair-ridden ass through the cobblestone streets of Cartagena.

Bethenny and Luann discuss Luann’s arrest, charges, and sobriety. She has a felony charge pending from her arrest in Palm Beach, but says there’s basically no chance she’s actually going to jail.

Her confidence is unshakable, as always.

The conversation turns to the speed-dating event from a couple of weeks earlier. Bethenny says the men were a motley crew.

Carole is into Red Scarf Guy. We finally get his name: Brian.

Bethenny thinks Carole is being strange about the whole thing.

Ramona insists she has no interest in him.

Sure, Ramona.

Bethenny says Brian is running game and insists she is not friends with him.

Carole says Brian tells her they are friends, and she believes Brian.

Bethenny says Brian is Tom 2.0.

Well, there it is.

Bethenny thinks Carole is acting smug, like she won some kind of prize, when really she needs to realize she got him by default.

I can’t stand Carole, so I’m going to admit right now that I may not be completely impartial in this argument.

Carole says it’s not that deep.

Maybe not to her, but these two women are clearly no longer friends.

And considering what’s coming later in this trip, this little argument feels like the beginning of the end.

Sonja agrees that Brian seems like a player.

Luann reminds everyone that they’re in Colombia and need to get their mojo back.

Meanwhile, Ramona puts her fish directly in front of Bethenny.

Is she trying to kill her on this trip?

Bethenny pulls Dorinda aside to bitch about the house and the trip. She says Tinsley could have gotten a better house.

She is being a pouty baby and announces that she’s going back to the house.

Meanwhile, Ramona is stopping traffic in her wheelchair.

Dorinda goes to Tinsley and says, “Here’s the thing. Bethenny hates the house.”

Tinsley is offended. And honestly, I would be too. She planned the whole trip, and Bethenny has spent the day complaining about everything from the house to the fish soup.

If Bethenny doesn’t like it, she should leave.

Carole says it’s a control thing with Bethenny. When Bethenny isn’t happy, she makes sure no one else can be either.

Bethenny starts screaming.

I thought she was going back to the house?

Now she agrees to go see the town.

These New York women are fast.

Ramona drops her wheelchair on the way into the bar because she doesn’t want to be wheeled inside. She wants to walk in sexy.

Bethenny and the other women meet up at the bar, and Tinsley confronts Bethenny about hating the trip.

Bethenny immediately calls Dorinda out for having a big mouth and repeating it to Tinsley.

Bethenny starts crying.

She is really whiny on this trip, and I have to wonder if it’s the Benadryl. For real. That stuff makes me nutty.

Bethenny says it’s the fracture in her friendship with Carole that’s really upsetting her. Sonja is the only one firmly on Bethenny’s side.

The next morning, they have a gorgeous breakfast prepared for them and plan to go shopping later.

Bethenny gets in the pool and apologizes to Tinsley if she offended her about the house. She says she didn’t intend for Tinsley to hear her complaints and blames a lot of other stressors for her reaction.

She cries a little more.

Bethenny feels like an outsider, especially now that she’s alienated from Carole, her former bestie and minion.

At breakfast, the women gossip about whether Tinsley is going to get engaged.

And just like that, a completely over-the-top floral arrangement arrives from Scott.

365 roses for their one-year anniversary.

Geezus.

How is she getting that home? It’s not fitting in a carry-on.

Oh shit. He also sent a Cartier bangle bracelet.

I want to come back as Tinsley in another life. I love presents.

Bethenny, looking gorgeous in a sundress, vents to Dorinda about her custody case, which never ends. Dorinda thinks that explains why Bethenny has been so emotional on the trip.

Dorinda denies that she’s been talking about Bethenny behind her back. Bethenny is super revved up, and Dorinda wants her to relax.

Bethenny cries.

WTF?

But why, though?

Now she’s sobbing in the kitchen and kicks Luann out when Luann comes to check on her. Dorinda stays with her, but she seems pretty over the theatrics.

Meanwhile, Luann just wants to go shopping.

And we leave it there.

Check back for Parts 2 & 3!