We’re at Dorinda’s Berkshires house, where she is hosting a 1920s murder mystery dinner because apparently a normal dinner party is too easy. Everyone is dressed for the occasion, and somehow this is still going to turn into a real-life murder mystery.

At dinner, Bethenny and Carole start getting into the disconnect in their relationship. They both feel like the other one won’t let them speak, which is a particularly hilarious complaint considering neither of them seems capable of letting the other finish a sentence.

Carole tells Bethenny that she talks too much, while Bethenny accuses Carole of whining, which is just objectively true. Carole keeps interrupting Bethenny, proving Bethenny’s point while simultaneously complaining that Bethenny talks too much.

Eventually, Bethenny gets up and walks away from the table, but Dorinda tries to coax her back because apparently the murder mystery cannot proceed until everyone has completed the murder of each other’s patience.

Then Adam, Carole’s off-again/on-again boyfriend, shows up. Bethenny had wanted his help with her Puerto Rico charity efforts, but Adam wanted to be paid for his work. Bethenny thinks this is tacky, while Carole immediately goes into full defense mode for her boy toy. 

Bethenny thinks Adam is an operator. A very drunk Luann mutters that nobody gives a shit about Adam, and honestly, she has a point. Carole immediately tells Luann that nobody cares what she thinks, which is a bold strategy considering Luann is now drunk enough to say exactly what she thinks.

Luann goes off about Adam being some little boy from the Midwest who dated her niece before dumping her for Carole. It’s vicious, but also seems to be a fairly accurate summary of the situation.

Then Carole drops a little bomb: Bethenny called Luann a loser.

Luann is understandably offended, while Bethenny is absolutely furious that Carole revealed this. She calls Carole’s revelation a betrayal, at a volume that suggests the 1920s murder mystery has officially become secondary to an actual murder. 

Luann declares that if she’s a loser, then the rest of the world is fucked, which is certainly one way to respond to criticism.

Dorinda attempts to restore peace, but within seconds she is shouting too. Luann tells her to back off, and then, in one of the most bizarre developments of the evening, sits on Dorinda’s lap.

This shit is officially off the rails.

Bethenny insists that it is impossible to talk to Carole, which she demonstrates by shrieking over everyone while trying to talk to Carole. She tells Carole to stop acting seven.

Then Bethenny admits that she has often thought Luann was a loser, but she isn’t actually sure she ever said it.

LMAO. So we’ve gone from “Carole betrayed me by revealing something I said” to “I may have said it, but I don’t remember saying it.”

With friends like these, who needs enemies? 

Luann gets in Bethenny’s face and she doesn’t care what Bethenny has face. Bethenny tells her she has lipstick on her face, and then they are laughing. These New York broads move fast, let me tell you.

Carole stomps off to bitch to Ramona and Tinsley, while Bethenny decides that her friendship with Carole is seriously fractured. Ramona promptly puts her big butt right in the middle of the situation, and Bethenny accuses her of thriving on drama.

Which is a pretty rich accusation in this group. Don’t they all?

Just when things seem like they couldn’t get any more ridiculous, Dorinda brings out her birthday cake in an attempt to lighten the mood. She promptly smashes her face into it.

The only problem? The candles are still lit.

Dorinda ends up burning her hair, because of course she does.

At least that isn’t the strangest thing to happen in the Berkshires, right?

By 9:20 p.m. — my God, I thought it was the middle of the night — Dorinda is wrestling an elf onesie away from a completely naked Bethenny, while Luann and Sonja are dancing and dry humping each other downstairs.

Because this is a normal evening in the Berkshires.

Bethenny overhears Carole talking about her and has finally had enough of this whole circle jerk. The two of them sit down alone and rehash their dinner conversation, trying once again to figure out what the hell is happening to their friendship.

Meanwhile, the other women are downstairs having a bawdy dance party.

It is beyond absurd, but I’m not going to lie: I kind of want to be there.

The next morning, Luann, Sonja and Bethenny wake up in the fish room. Luann needs a spa, while Bethenny needs Betty Ford.

Despite the previous night’s complete descent into madness, everyone is actually in a pretty good mood. They have somehow managed to scream at each other, nearly destroy multiple friendships, get naked, dry hump, set Dorinda’s hair on fire, and still wake up ready to carry on with their lives.

These women are some tough bitches.

Bethenny leaves first, and as the women gradually trickle out of Bluestone Manor, Dorinda declares the weekend a success.

And you know what? By Berkshires standards, she’s right.

Back in the city, we are at Sonja’s townhouse where she is getting the place ready to rent. The contractor arrives, and there is a lot of work to be done. Sonja had sex on one of the sinks in the staffroom, so that is gonna need some work.

Back at Bethenny’s place, she’s hosting a holiday get-together, complete with approximately every Skinnygirl product that could possibly fit inside one enormous loft.

Sonja arrives looking fantastic and announces that she is allergic to all the construction going on at her townhouse, so she needs to stay with Tinsley for a few days. Carole arrives, and there is still plenty of tension between her and Bethenny after everything that went down in the Berkshires.

The women have a white elephant gift exchange, and things seem relatively pleasant until Ramona mentions that she is starting her own skincare line. Bethenny immediately jumps on her for turning the gift exchange into an infomercial.

The other women point out that this is a recurring problem with Bethenny. They feel like she doesn’t support their business ventures, while they are expected to support every single one of hers.

Uh oh. Here we go.

THE NUTCRACKER arrives.

Dorinda helped Bethenny track down a huge, hard-to-find Nutcracker for her daughter, and Bethenny is genuinely thrilled. Unfortunately, Dorinda doesn’t feel like she gets an adequate thank-you for her efforts.

And thus begins the Nutcracker saga, which will somehow become A Whole Thing and continue for several episodes.

The women start discussing their plans for New Year’s, and suddenly, it’s about Tom.

Luann is planning to visit Palm Beach, and the last time she was there was for her wedding. Bethenny then casually drops the bomb that Tom has a girlfriend.

Luann looks visibly pained for a moment, but quickly dismisses it as history.

After Carole leaves, Bethenny says she seemed sad. The other women say Carole is just tired. Bethenny thinks she is lonely, but she probably shouldn’t be saying this to Ramona, of all people. 

At Luann’s Red Cross event, the women arrive ready to donate blood, only to discover that none of them can because they’ve traveled recently.

Sonja, however, treats the blood drive like a cocktail party. She circulates around the room, chatting with everyone and occasionally sitting on the lap of an actual blood donor.

Because why not?

She and Ramona somehow end up discussing their poop, for reasons I cannot fathom, before Sonja drops a little piece of gossip on Carole: Bethenny said she thinks Carole seems sad and lonely.

This is going to go over wonderfully.

Then, because apparently the Nutcracker cannot be contained, it comes up again. Dorinda is still pissed that Bethenny didn’t properly appreciate the gift, and the women proceed to go hard on Bethenny, with Carole leading the charge.

Carole questions Ramona about Bethenny’s comments that she is “sad” and “lonely,” and then explains that Bethenny is actually talking about herself because she can’t build or maintain friendships.

She also calls Bethenny out for giving Ramona a hard time about her skincare line.

Carole is clearly trying to rally the troops to her side here, and honestly, she is doing a pretty effective job of it.

Next, Bethenny calls Ramona to confront her about telling Carole about the “sad’ and “lonely” stuff, and Ramona goes OFF. I think Carole got her really worked up here. She is standing on a corner while Coco stands in the street, and for once Bethenny can’t get a word in edgewise. Ramona tells Bethenny she does not support women and that she has “ardaucity” to even bring this up to her. The nutcracker comes up,  of course. Ramona tells Bethenny she puts everyone down to make herself look good, and it’s a fair evaluation. 

We end the episode with Luann in her beautiful new penthouse on the cusp of her exciting new life, and then cut to the headlines that she was arrested over Christmas in Palm Beach. We see shots of her handcuffed in the back of a police car, telling the cop she will kill them. She even slips her cuffs and tries to get out of the car. Boozy Luann is strong. She is charged with public intoxication, battery, resisting, and a host of other things that sound very scary. This episode has been a wild ride, for sure.