We pick up with Sonja still pestering Ramona about how miserable she is. The women are all wasted, but Sonja is on another level. Ramona just wants her to leave her alone. She admits she misses being married but denies being miserable. Sonja moves on and goes for another margarita.

Tinsley hasn’t really seen Sonja drunk before and is in shock. Sonja tells Ramona she should trade her ass for her face because her ass looks better than that mess of a face. LMAO.

Then Sonja starts looking for Luann because she wants to have sex with her, and holy shit, I haven’t been this drunk since I got my last tattoo.

Sonja says Luann is no fun now that she is married. I beg to differ. Please see the tumble in the bushes. Luann is fun and then some.

Sonja is all over the place and trying to make out with everyone. No one seems even remotely phased. This must be old hat.

Oh, and Bethenny is naked. Who asked for that? Ramona says her boobs are better. Tinsley says hers are cute and staying covered. Praise the Lordt.

Sonja starts chugging margaritas right out of the pitcher, and then she is naked, too. Dorinda doesn’t love it. She is not a naked person. Me either.

Ramona and a naked Bethenny are in the pool with their pool noodles having a heart-to-heart about their years of miserable friendship. Bethenny is messy and crying. Her diamond earrings are huge. So are her boobs.

Now Ramona is crying. She isn’t naked, though. She finally cops to being a miserable person and a bad friend.

Dorinda tries to dress Sonja and describes it like trying to get a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.

LOL.

Bethenny is still so naked and still so messy. Someone needs to tell her to GO TO SLEEP.

Ramona crying is super annoying. They have naked, wet hugs, and I wonder when these women will finally call it a night. It’s really been a day.

Oh, shit. They haven’t even had dinner yet!

This is gonna be something to see.

Bethenny realizes she is naked and wraps herself in a towel. Sonja is wearing her bathing suit and rolling around in drunken bliss. Bethenny kisses her. Sonja wants sex.

Everyone should really be sleeping. This is a lot.

Bethenny is the first one at dinner again, and she is pissed. She wants to be sleeping. She starts storming through the halls and yelling for everyone to move faster.

A drunk, tired Dorinda does not like this. She tells Bethenny to stop being so crazed. They are on vacation time! Bethenny is cranky and would much rather be napping. Like I said, everyone should be.

Dorinda says Bethenny scared her by yelling down the hallway. Bethenny, who is a big grumpy pants like me after a day of drinking, says that’s all an act, and Dorinda takes offense. Her arms start flying, and she tells Bethenny to stop.

Bethenny and Tinsley mock her wild gestures. Dorinda is so drunk and so mad.

Oh, my God. There is blood.

Dorinda grabs a knife and plunges it into the table, cutting her hand in the process. It is SO time for bed, but instead we have a calm Bethenny helping Dorinda clean her wounds.

Drunk Dorinda plays therapist and tells Bethenny she needs to relax and stop being so perfect all the time. Bethenny wants no part of it.

The women are trickling into dinner, and Dorinda is still going on about how Bethenny tries to be superhuman. Thank you, Dr. Tequila.

Dorinda is so drunk, and Bethenny can’t handle her grand proclamations. Sonja is passed out and doesn’t make it to dinner at all. I can’t day drink either. Not anymore.

I just noticed Luann is missing, too. Is she in a bush somewhere? Oh, God, I hope so.

They go to watch fireworks, and Dorinda is still going on with her Dr. Tequila act. She says Bethenny just thinks she is special because of Skinnygirl, and Bethenny immediately thinks that Dorinda resents her success.

They storm away from each other.

Advice: go immediately to bed after drinking all day. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Just GO TO SLEEP.

It is finally the next morning, and everyone is up and ready for yoga. These women are true Olympians.

Luann wants to be filled in on dinner, so Ramona gives her the rundown. Dorinda comes into the kitchen looking a little worse for wear and pretty uncomfortable. Clearly, she remembers her fight with Bethenny, but says they are great.

Bethenny doesn’t seem to agree. She thinks Dorinda is backpedaling on all the nasty things she said. Dorinda feels rebuffed by Bethenny.

Bethenny calls her dramatic for the bit with the knife, and they start arguing about who is a better friend. Bethenny says Dorinda has a nasty side, and boy, does she.

Dorinda goes to her room, and Carole goes in to comfort her. Dorinda feels terrible about the fight with Bethenny but doesn’t know what to say. She certainly didn’t get off to a great start with Bethenny in the kitchen, and now she’s regretting how aggressive she can be. Dorinda breaks down crying as she admits she wishes she could handle things differently.

Meanwhile, Bethenny is also upset and tries to clear her head at yoga. Sonja, naturally, has her own way of dealing with the stress. She FaceTimes her fake French boyfriend and gives him a little glimpse of her ass.

At breakfast, the women admit they’re completely exhausted after everything that’s happened. Dorinda decides it’s time to talk to Bethenny and pulls her aside. She gives her a sincere apology for the way she acted, and Bethenny accepts it. She explains that she’s particularly sensitive when she feels like people resent her success, which helps explain why the argument hit such a nerve.

After breakfast, Carole, Tinsley, and Ramona head out for a day of fishing, while the rest of the women stay behind for manicures and massages. They definitely got the better end of that deal.

Out on the boat, Ramona immediately starts flirting with the captain, sticking her tits out and shamelessly trying to get his attention. Ramona is gross.

Back at the house, Sonja and Bethenny gossip about Tinsley’s relationship. Tinsley reveals that she’s already planning another trip to see her boyfriend, and Sonja starts worrying that the relationship is moving way too quickly.

Tinsley, however, isn’t worried at all. She’s ready to get married, and she seems completely convinced that this relationship is headed straight for the altar.

Tinsley reveals that she’s planning a party to thank Sonja for letting her stay with her. I’ve let people stay with me before. Never got a party out of it. Just saying.

Meanwhile, the fishing trip is a complete bust. None of them catch a single fish, so they decide to buy one, pretend they caught it, and bring it back to the house for dinner. The women return with their fake catch, and nobody seems to care all that much. They spend a little time at the pool before getting ready for their final night in Mexico.

At dinner, the women play a game of “Rose and Thorn,” where everyone has to name the best and worst part of the trip. Luann completely fucks it up by announcing that her husband, Tom, is her rose. Everyone gags. Please, don’t make it about Tom.

A tipsy Tinsley tells Bethenny how baller the helicopters were during their tour, but she can’t stop saying “fuck.” The Countess eventually has enough and tells Tinsley to stop cursing in the restaurant and, specifically, to stop saying “fuck” so much.

Tinsley then points out that Luann is always talking about Palm Beach when Tom is actually from West Palm Beach. Trust me, in their circles, this is an important distinction. It matters.

Luann fires back that Tinsley has to stay with her mother in Palm Beach and doesn’t even have a home of her own. And, well, she’s not wrong. But Luann is still being completely insufferable about it.

Boy, I just did five recaps today. All Jersey and New York. I want to eat a strip steak and flip a table. Or have some tequila. Either way, I feel like I have a hangover.

The women fly into Puerto Vallarta for Bethenny’s tequila trip, and Mexico is already off to a fantastic start because Bethenny is puking.

Ramona, meanwhile, is sharting.

Yes. We are approximately five minutes into the trip.

Ramona has also apparently gotten a chemical peel, and her face looks like “a pizza with no sauce,” according to Sonja. It is a dead-on-balls-accurate description.

Carole is craving Taco Bell.

In Mexico.

Carole makes me bored.

Bethenny, meanwhile, would blow Simon Van Kempen for a slushie.

Sonja, Dorinda, Ramona, and Bethenny pile into the car on the way to the villa and decide to play Fuck, Marry, Kill using the other Housewives.

The results are not surprising.

Everyone is fucking Luann.

Hands down. There isn’t even a debate.

Poor Tinsley is getting killed, and Sonja takes it one step further by calling her unfuckable.

Ouch.

In the other car, the women discuss Tinsley’s new boyfriend, Scott. They had a five-day date in Vegas, which is certainly one way to get to know someone. Tinsley is all in.

Hope that goes well for you, Tinsley.

Sonja then shows the women a dick pic she received.

It was from a wrong number.

LMAO. Oops.

The women finally arrive at the villa, and holy shit, it is spectacular. It is right on the ocean, the grounds are gorgeous, and I want to live there. The staff is lovely, too.

Naturally, Ramona immediately starts bitching at them.

Ramona is the worst. She makes me clench in places I won’t discuss.

Sonja announces that she won’t be drinking on the trip.

Oh, come on!

We get another look at the absolutely perfect villa and grounds. The pool is gorgeous, everything is beautiful, and for a brief moment, it seems like these women might actually have a relaxing vacation.

Then we get to the rooms.

Or, more specifically, the choosing of the rooms.

Sonja and Ramona immediately start scamming for the best one, as usual. They are not about to politely accept whatever room they’re assigned. They want the good shit.

But this is Bethenny’s trip, and Bethenny is not having it.

She wants order.

There will be an organized system for assigning the rooms, because even in paradise, Bethenny needs some fucking structure.

Bethenny tells Ramona and Sonja they are acting like animals and grabby twats.

What else is new?

She asks them if they would want their daughters to act like this. This seems to actually affect Sonja, who starts to realize that maybe she has been behaving like a grabby twat.

Ramona shrugs.

She doesn’t give a shit.

Bethenny announces that they will be drawing numbers for the rooms. The end. Democracy has arrived in Mexico.

Tinsley gets first pick, but she doesn’t want the pressure of choosing first. She trades with Bethenny and takes third choice instead.

Ramona, naturally, keeps bitching.

She wants a room facing the water.

Too bad.

Bethenny finally tells her to get her life together, which is probably good advice for Ramona in general.

Ramona gets in Sonja’s ear and tells her that Tinsley should have given Sonja her first choice because Tinsley has been staying with Sonja in the city.

Oh, please.

Ramona and Sonja are absolutely horrid together.

They decide that the numbers they drew don’t really apply to them, so they leave their bags in the rooms they want and basically ignore the entire system Bethenny just created.

Sonja then confronts Tinsley about it.

Tinsley wants to be left alone.

Tinsley really needs to stand up to Sonja. Sonja has been a beast to her all season long, and at this point, the whole dynamic is just icky.

Meanwhile, it takes these women approximately seventeen years to choose their rooms.

I would go crazy.

Ramona is still yelling with her pizza-faced self, because apparently the chemical peel has done nothing to improve her personality. Now she wants Dorinda’s room.

Dorinda tries to explain the concept of fairness to her.

It is a lost cause with this one.

Ramona goes in on Tinsley, and Dorinda finally tells Bethenny what the hell is going on.

Bethenny wanted to lie down.

Instead, she is needed to mediate a room dispute between grown-ass women.

Again.

Bethenny asks Ramona and Sonja if they would want their daughters acting like this. Ramona responds with a smug, punchable face and basically shrugs her off.

She does not care.

Dorinda, meanwhile, just wants Ramona out of her room.

Ramona is sitting on the bed with her bare feet, and I hate her.

Dorinda has had enough and threatens to throw Ramona’s bags in the pool.

I wish she would.

Ramona and Sonja are tacky with the staff.

It is truly painful to watch.

Ramona thinks she is making friends with the staff, but she is actually treating them like shit. There is something so bizarre about the way she behaves with people who are literally there to take care of her.

This woman came from nothing. When did she learn this level of entitlement?

I cannot stomach her.

Meanwhile, Carole and Dorinda have brought props and games for the trip.

They are being boring.

Even Carole, the most boring Housewife ever, looks at the games and basically agrees that they look boring.

Everyone eventually settles in and hits the fantastic pool, and finally, finally, the tequila starts flowing.

And apparently, the tequila is exactly what this trip needed.

By now, all of the women have had it with Sonja and Ramona.

They get ready for dinner, although Dorinda would actually rather nap through the whole thing. Luann wants her to come to dinner, but Dorinda looks completely worn out from dealing with all of Ramonja’s nonsense.

And naturally, Ramona and Sonja aren’t done.

The two of them go off on their own to bitch about their perfectly gorgeous room.

These bitches don’t quit.

They have an enormous villa on the ocean, a gorgeous pool, beautiful rooms, staff waiting on them, and tequila flowing.

And they’re still fucking complaining.

It’s repulsive.

Bethenny wants to talk to Sonja about how Ramona drags her down.

Bethenny thinks Ramona brings out the absolute worst in Sonja, and honestly, she’s not wrong. Every time these two get together, they somehow become even more obnoxious than they are individually.

Ramona then starts making sappy speeches to Sonja.

It is very heartfelt.

Until Sonja basically ruins the moment by saying she can’t focus on Ramona’s words because she’s staring at her pizza-pie face.

I cannot.

After all of that, they kiss.

Of course they do.

Welcome to the bipolar express.

Bethenny arrives at dinner at 8:30.

She is the first one there.

Even though she is ninety minutes late.

This would drive me bananas.

Tinsley and Carole talk about Page Six. Apparently, there was a story about Tinsley being ungrateful to Sonja, and they suspect it has Ramona or Sonja’s dirty little fingerprints all over it.

Bethenny doesn’t give a shit about the Page Six article. She has been sitting at the table alone for long enough and decides to go looking for the other women.

She wants to eat.

And she is pissed that everyone is late.

Meanwhile, Ramona and Sonja spend the entire time getting ready for dinner badmouthing Tinsley.

The dinner they are ninety minutes late for.

Of course.

Luann finally arrives at the table with, I kid you not, a kazoo.

And the Countess is way buzzed.

I mean, she looks disheveled. Like she took a bath in tequila.

I want to hang out with this Luann so badly.

She can steal my man all she wants. I just want to see drunk Luann in person.

Ramona and Sonja are, naturally, the last two to arrive at dinner.

As usual.

Ramona is still busy making up her jacked-up face, and Bethenny thinks it is a complete waste of time.

The woman has already been ninety minutes late. At this point, maybe just show up with the pizza face and call it a night.

Carole fills Luann in on the Page Six story, and Luann agrees that Sonja probably leaked it.

Tinsley shoots eye daggers at Sonja and Ramona when they finally arrive.

You can practically see the lasers coming out of her eyes.

Tipsy Luann, ever the Countess, decides to offer a toast thanking Bethenny for organizing the trip.

Ramona immediately cuts her off.

“It’s a group trip. Why are you thanking her?”

What she means is: this is a cast trip, Bethenny isn’t paying for shit, so why are you kissing her ass?

Bethenny looks at Ramona and asks her why she is an asshole.

It is a question for the ages.

Bethenny says Ramona could fuck up a wet dream, and I believe it.

Tinsley jumps in and explains how pissed she is about the Page Six story. Sonja and Ramona immediately play dumb.

A very slurry Luann points out that Sonja is always talking to the press.

Ramona says she avoids the press like a “Lee?”

What the hell does she even mean?

English cannot be this woman’s first language.

Carole chimes in to support Tinsley, who says she doesn’t need to be in the press.

Sonja denies everything, naturally.

Luann calls Sonja bitchy.

And Luann is SO buzzed.

I am loving it.

She looks like a party and a half. Even Bethenny notices that Luann is visibly drunk, which is saying something because the lady is a drinker. She usually holds it together really well.

Tonight?

The tipsy is in full force.

Tinsley is screaming and crying and eventually becomes completely unintelligible. Ramona continues playing dumb while looking like a smug twat waffle.

Luann finally leaves the table to collect herself.

Tinsley says Sonja is insensitive, and Bethenny once again points out that Ramona brings out the worst in Sonja. Their behavior over the rooms is a classic example.

Sonja agrees.

She knows Ramona is a bad look, and she admits she can’t take her everywhere.

Honey, don’t take her anywhere.

She is a nightmare.

Meanwhile, Luann and Sonja are out on the patio bitching about the other women, and I am loving this drunk Luann.

She is rocking a jumpsuit and slurring her way through complaints about the ladies.

This is the Luann I want to hang out with.

The Countess has left the building. Tequila Luann has arrived.

Luann gets up to go to bed, gives a little booty shake, and then—

CRASH!

She falls off the patio and smacks right into the bushes.

We get a shot of the laughing Countess lying among the branches, and is it weird to say she has never looked more beautiful?

Ramona is dying laughing.

So am I.

I could watch this over and over.

A man comes over to help a giggling Luann out of the bushes, but this is not the end of the Countess’s evening.

Back at the table, the women are still bitching about Page Six, and Tinsley is still shrieking.

Meanwhile, back outside, Luann takes a step…

And completely face-plants off the patio AGAIN!

Ramona says, “See, you should have gone this way.”

I am fucking crying.

If you haven’t seen this, you need to. This is iconic Housewives, and it is one of my favorite fossils ever.

Back at dinner, Bethenny has officially had enough. She wants off the Sonja roller coaster, and eventually the women head off to bed.

Tinsley is still pissed.

This trip is off to a rip-roaring start.

We get previews of what is coming next, and every single one of these women appears to be completely smashed.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this epic Housewives trip!