Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives

RHONJ, Season 14, Episode 7, Gifts & Receipts: The Limoncello Party

August 17, 2026

We skip the intro and head straight into the aftermath of Teresa and Luis’s sit-down with the Fudas. It didn’t go well, and Teresa can’t believe Jon Fuda accused her of money laundering. Even though she, like, you know, went to jail for it and stuff. The nerve of him.

Teresa hurls insults at the door as the Fudas leave. They also leave behind the bottle of alcohol Teresa gave them to deliver to Joe Gorga for his birthday.

Also, does anyone else notice that Jon Fuda never drives? Rachel is always behind the wheel. I’m just saying.

Over at Danielle Cabral’s, the kids are getting ready for school, and it’s no joke. These kids like their sleep. But once they’re up, they like their fashion. They’re actually very cute. I always enjoy seeing the kids, and Jersey usually delivers when it comes to the family scenes.

Melissa is preparing for a party to celebrate her new house. Does anyone else think the new house is ugly? Anyway, she wants a classy event. Joe Gorga laughs. So do I.

Margaret has moldy cheese, because apparently that’s what we’re working with.

Dolores is having lunch with her mother and daughter, Gabby. It’s their Tuesday tradition, and I love this. Dolores is by far my favorite Housewife across all the franchises. She is formidable, funny, and somehow manages to be both completely grounded and deeply involved in Housewives nonsense.

They discuss her relationship with Paulie and how it’s progressing. She has basically moved in with him and is now talking about joining his business. Sounds serious.

There is just one little problem: Paulie is still married.

He’s been separated for something like twelve years, but there is still no divorce. Oh, Dolores. Be careful.

Frank was planning to propose to his girlfriend in Costa Rica, but his dog is sick, so the trip is cancelled. This actually makes me sad. The Catanias love their animals, and you can tell Frank is genuinely upset about having to change the plans.

He’s now planning to propose at home within a couple of weeks, which is honestly kind of sweet.

I love Frank Catania far more than I should. I want to run into him at Rails. He cracks me up.

Over at Teresa’s, they’re having breakfast. It’s Milania’s senior year, and she’s looking at colleges. She says she’ll go wherever she gets in, which is probably the healthiest attitude anyone has had on this show.

Nicholas, Luis’s oldest son, gets a haircut, and Teresa is really sweet with him. I like Teresa best when she’s with her family. She’s warm, funny, and much more relaxed.

Put her around the other Housewives, though, and something happens to her brain.

Teresa is still furious about the Fudas, but she reminds her new blended family that they come first.

Over at the Fudas, their adorable little girl Beanie is practicing her physical therapy to help her walk. Both of their daughters are ridiculously cute. Beanie also has a small tongue tie that will require a procedure, which should help with her motor skills and speech. These are the kinds of family scenes I really enjoy on Jersey.

Rachel has cleansed herself from the sit-down with Teresa and Luis and hopes she never becomes like Teresa. Honestly, Rachel, probably a good goal.

At Melissa’s, they’re setting up for the Limoncello housewarming party, and the food looks incredible. I love a good party. When I’m not hosting.

They have a tequila gun, and Joey Gorga is absolutely delighted by it. Give that man a tequila weapon and he’s found his purpose.

Marge and Joe B. get ready for the party, and Marge starts bitching about Jackie. Jackie is suddenly all about Teresa, while Marge knows Jackie has been badmouthing her. Melissa is hoping the two of them will actually talk at the party.

Sure. That’ll go well.

Jennifer Aydin gets ready and searches for something lemony to wear. She wants Bill to be her backup at the party. We know how that usually goes.

Jennifer has beef with Danielle and hopes it won’t come up.

Oh, it will.

Jennifer thinks Danielle treats people like shit and isn’t humble. This is particularly rich coming from Jennifer, considering her own history of treating people like shit.

And yes, I’m thinking about the Jersey Mike’s incident.

So when Jennifer starts talking about other people needing humility, I have to laugh.

The archaeological record is not on your side, Jennifer.

Back at Melissa’s, everyone starts arriving in their lemon-themed finest. Everyone looks cute, for the most part.

There is a giant cardboard David with Joey Gorga’s face and a lemon-covered shlong, and I have to wonder if this is exactly the classy event Missy G envisioned.

Melissa gives everyone a tour of the house. I’m going to be honest: I just don’t dig it. Not that it matters. It isn’t my house.

Joe starts drawing on the cardboard shlong, and Melissa reminds him to keep it classy.

Girl, please. You are acting like this is your first go-round with Joe Gorga.

The Fudas arrive, and Rachel fills Melissa in on the meeting with Teresa. She tells her that Teresa gave them a bottle of scotch to bring to the party.

They left it behind.

Melissa isn’t thrilled. The last thing she wants is Joe Gorga getting upset at the party. Because apparently the safest way to have a peaceful Gorga gathering is to remove all available alcohol-based weapons.

Dolores and Paulie arrive and—oh, shit—Dolores is holding THE BOTTLE that Teresa and Luis sent for Joe Gorga.

They really don’t give up easily, do they?

Melissa is not thrilled that Dolores brought it, but Dolores shrugs it off. She’s just doing what Teresa asked, and it isn’t her place to judge. She’s delivering a bottle. That’s it.

This is classic Dolores. She doesn’t overcomplicate things, and she doesn’t question her friends. If you ask Dolores to deliver a bottle, Dolores delivers the damn bottle.

At Teresa’s, they discuss Gia wanting to move out with her boyfriend. Teresa would prefer that Gia live on her own first, since Teresa never had that experience. She wasn’t allowed to.

Teresa also feels like there are a lot of troublemakers in their group, and naturally, they’re all at Melissa’s party.

Teresa, clearly, was not invited.

The Gorgas aren’t even pretending to like her this season.

Dolores presents the bottle to Joe Gorga. He rejects it and throws her card into the fire.

He is SO theatrical.

Melissa just wants the whole thing to disappear so she can enjoy her party. She’s quick to point out that they have approximately 17,000 bottles of expensive liquor in the house anyway.

She is so braggy, that Missy G.

Jennifer Aydin arrives and immediately bitches that there is no valet parking, because nothing says humble quite like demanding a parking attendant.

Melissa welcomes her, and so does Joe, so they’re off to a surprisingly good start.

Jackie arrives, and Margaret is immediately rolling her eyes. Melissa is also getting a little over Jackie and how quickly she defected to Teresa’s side the second Teresa gave her some attention.

Jackie is a messy nightmare. She is always whining about something, and she seems desperate for Teresa’s approval. It’s true.

Everyone discusses the Fuda/Teresa/Luis sit-down, and Dolores agrees that both sides went low. Jennifer takes up for Teresa, and so does Jackie.

Shut up, Jackie.

Jon says he was younger than Gia when he went through his legal troubles, and I would be very careful with the Gia comparisons if I were him. Those analogies are not going to land well with Teresa.

Dolores asks Margaret if she’s going to talk to Jackie, since there are clearly some fractures in their friendship. Margaret says they will, and naturally, they gossip about Jackie first.

Margaret wants to confront her, and the two eventually go at it.

Jackie feels like Margaret gets in everyone’s ear, particularly when it comes to Teresa. Margaret thinks Jackie is two-faced.

And now we have arrived at the portion of the party where everyone stops pretending they came for the lemon-themed fun.

Jackie says Margaret takes credit for her success, and Margaret says she just wants to read Jackie’s book.

She may be the only one.

Jackie says the conversation is a waste of her time and stomps off.

Meanwhile, Jennifer is preaching to Danielle about being humble, and the irony is so thick you could spread it on toast.

Margaret starts telling Dolores that Jackie has been talking shit about her when she sees Jackie hugging Joe B.

Margaret is furious that Jackie is hugging her husband, but she really loses it when she sees Jackie talking to Dolores.

Then Margaret sends Dolores a screenshot of a text from Jackie calling Dolores a “slob.”

This is SO bad.

Dolores’ face says everything. Jackie is dead to her.

Stay tuned for the funeral.
RHOC, Season 11, Episode 5–Boogie Fights: That 70’s Party!

August 17, 2026

Shannon, David, and the kids go costume shopping for their ’70s-themed party. Shannon loves a costume. David’s wig is terrifying, but we’ll get to that.

Shannon teaches the kids about streakers, because apparently this is family education now. Then they ask David if he’s ever had wet dreams. Shannon and David think this is hilarious. I think it’s gross.

Tamra and Kelly meet to find their costumes. Kelly hates the ’70s and thinks she’s the only good thing to come out of the decade. Humble.

Kelly also thinks Shannon is a Debbie Downer. She knows other women have had problems with her and thinks Shannon is the common denominator. Tamra admits she’s had her own issues with Shannon.

Over at Heather’s house, her chef is preparing dinner for the family, and I am officially jealous. I want a chef. Actually, forget the chef. I want someone to do my laundry.

Megan comes over, and Heather gives her an IVF shot. I’m not entirely sure why Heather is the designated injection nurse, but okay.

They travel to D.C. so Megan can give a speech about colon cancer. Her stepdaughter’s mother died from it, and Megan wants to raise awareness. It’s a good cause, but Megan still manages to bore me.

Terry comes home from work early, only to announce that he has to travel on Mother’s Day. Heather is pissed and wants to feel like she comes first. Fair enough. Although she may need to decide what she wants more: to come first or that chef.

Megan looks uncomfortable. The kids look uncomfortable. Terry looks scared.

Honestly, the chef is the only one who seems to have this family figured out.

At Vicki’s, her grandsons are visiting, and she’s surprisingly good with them. No shrieking. No chaos. Briana has been sick, so Vicki takes care of the kids while she rests. After years of testing, I think they’ve finally figured out that Briana has lupus. I can’t stand Briana, but I also have lupus, so I feel her pain.

Vicki is planning to go to the ’70s party, even though she and Shannon have been on the outs.

Kelly takes her daughter, Jolie, to get their nails done. Kelly is really sweet with her. I don’t think they actually speak anymore, so it’s kind of sad watching these old scenes when Jolie was little.

Jolie thinks Kelly yells a lot. Kelly thinks she’s a fun mom. Kelly worries Jolie will grow up spoiled living in the OC, but she actually seems like a sweet kid.

Over at Megan’s, Jim is leaving again and seems pretty happy about it. Megan talks about her IVF, and he looks completely disinterested. Megan is clearly disappointed by his attitude, and I would be too. There’s supportive husband, and then there’s whatever the hell Jim is doing.

Shannon and David are finally on their way to the party, decked out in their psychedelic finest. David is pissed that Shannon invited Vicki. He can’t stand her. Shannon can’t stand Kelly. This should be fun.

Vicki is wearing a very short dress, and I hate to admit it, but she looks kinda good. She’s skinny since the Brooks breakup. There really is an upside to everything if you look hard enough.

Michael, Kelly, and Vicki pregame with shots before the party. If I were Kelly and Vicki, I think I’d keep my wits about me.

The venue is decked out in shag carpeting and disco balls, and Shannon is ready to have a dyno-mite time.

Everyone arrives in costume, and Heather is on roller skates. Hopefully, she lays off the champs, or she’s going to land on her ass.

Kelly recognizes a woman, Jackie, that she met at a hotel. Jackie points out that when she met Kelly, she wasn’t with Michael. Shots fired. Yeah, that’s not casual chit-chat.

Kelly explains that she and Michael were separated. It’s awkward, and honestly, a bitch move on Jackie’s part.

They play Quarters and do shots, and everyone—especially Kelly and Michael—is getting drunk.

Megan isn’t feeling well from her IVF shots. Megan is a fun sponge.

They dance a bit, and then it happens. Terry sends Heather FLYING, and she lands right on her fancy ass. She blames the champagne, but mostly Terry.

Tamra can’t drink because her fitness competition is coming up. She’s also a buzzkill. She says she has forgiven Vicki but can’t trust her. What else is new?

Kelly tells David that his wig makes him look like a pedophile. These people are great at party talk.

Heather tries to talk to Terry about spending more time with the family. It’s boring. We do this every season. The man likes to work and Heather likes to spend. Keep the system. It’s working.

Tamra says Vicki and Kelly are wasted. Shannon wants to know how Jackie knows Kelly, so they rehash the hotel meeting when Kelly was separated from Michael. It’s dumb gossip, but of course Kelly walks in on them while she and Vicki are looking for Vicki’s purse.

Jackie and another woman are incredibly rude to Kelly. Jackie says, “This isn’t going how I thought it would,” which is immediately suspicious. Tamra wonders what the hell she means.

Then the other woman says, “I don’t have to suck anyone’s dick to pay my bills,” clearly implying that Kelly does. It’s ugly and completely uncalled for.

Kelly wants to know what they’re saying about her, and Tamra tells her about the comment. Kelly heads over to confront Shannon and the women who are talking about her.

Kelly says she barely recognizes the women because they look like every other average-looking Newport Beach woman she’s ever met. Kelly calls Shannon Mrs. Roper, and Michael, drunk off his ass, comes over to confirm that she really does look like Mrs. Roper.

It’s true, but Michael is gross. And creepy. Mrs. Roper was a fine-looking woman. Lay off the lady.

Shannon tells Kelly to get out and that she’s drunk. Michael keeps interrupting to repeat the Mrs. Roper thing. He seriously creeps me out.

Meanwhile, Shannon and Vicki are screaming at each other. Kelly feels set up and attacked and calls Shannon dumb. Vicki says Shannon is in her glory with all the drama, and David overhears.

He goes HARD at Vicki, telling her to shut the fuck up and getting right in her face. It’s intense, and I’m sure Shannon has seen this side of David too many times in private.

Shannon does what Shannon does best and runs to David for backup. “David, these people are calling me dumb!”

David calls Vicki a fucking pig. He is an animal. He may be right, but he is still an animal.

Vicki calls David a cheater and a bad guy. Michael looks like he’s on something.

David tells Kelly to have another drink, and she fires back, “You know what? No wonder why you cheated on your wife!”

And bam. Kelly and Shannon are locked in a battle of “Who?!” and “It was you!” Kelly sounds like an owl, and everyone is stunned, watching in their ’70s garb as the whole night falls apart.

Shannon came to this party looking for a dyno-mite time, and it sure as hell has been explosive.
RHUGT: Roaring Twenties, Episode 2

August 16, 2026

The women are still in Orange County for the first leg of their tour through Real Housewives cities. Next stop: Beverly Hills.

Everyone is packed and ready to go, except Kyle, who is lagging behind. Vicki checks on her, and Kyle reveals it’s her 30th anniversary with Mauricio. He just texted her that he doesn’t know how they got here.

It’s sad. Vicki tells Kyle she should be proud of 30 years of marriage because most people—especially on this show—don’t have that.

Kyle says she thinks it will get better. Vicki tells her it won’t, because apparently this is now another opportunity to talk about Don.

Her new boyfriend must be thrilled with how much time Vicki is spending in the Don archives lately.

They head off in the Sprinter van, and Kyle shares with everyone why she’s so sad. The women are supportive, which is actually nice for once. All of them are divorced except Kyle and Lisa Barlow—and Kyle has basically been separated for years anyway.

Gizelle wants to confront Vicki about calling her a pot stirrer. Vicki, however, is pretending Gizelle doesn’t exist while working on her laptop.

Vicki admits she wants to keep her distance because she doesn’t understand Gizelle, but she clearly isn’t prepared for the conflict. So she goes right back to her laptop.

Gizelle resents the fact that Vicki seems to think her time is more valuable than everyone else’s. And honestly, nothing says Girl’s Trip like one Housewife trying to start shit while another one answers emails.

We get a montage of all the Housewives’ disastrous Sprinter van rides, and it’s fantastic. This is exactly why I like taking my own car.

All the women agree with Gizelle that Vicki was talking badly about Tamra, but Vicki still blames Gizelle for stirring things up. We get another montage of Vicki and Tamra’s greatest hits, and Vicki declares that she can be mean, too.

Teresa immediately jumps in to remind Vicki that she’s been mean to her, too—saying Teresa’s face has changed the most (Oh, Vicki!) and making comments about taxes. Vicki tries to change the subject.

Again, Vicki’s rudeness reminds Luann of Ramona, and the comparison is spot-on. Thank God those two have never appeared on a show together. It would be absolutely cringey.

Apparently, Vicki also called Teresa overrated 12 years ago, and Teresa has clearly kept that receipt. Vicki admits she may have been jealous of all the attention Teresa was getting, and the women actually admire her honesty.

They arrive in Beverly Hills, and we get MORE flashbacks. This time, it’s Beverly Hills. I wish the show would spend more time on the women actually doing things and less time showing us things we’ve already seen, but maybe that’s because I’m permanently buried in Housewives Past. Happily buried, I might add.

They check into the Beverly Hilton, and I’m immediately hoping Kathy is there. I love her.

Everyone gets glammed up for a Hollywood-style pajama party, followed by—what else?—more flashbacks of the women’s past parties. Let’s get to the new stuff.

Luann FaceTimes her new boyfriend, and then the women head to Kyle’s room. Porsha is ready to party, and I really hope they do because I need some action.

They start discussing what to name their boobs, which is weird even by Housewives standards.

Then Luann puts some of her food on Vicki’s plate, and Vicki gags. I honestly don’t blame her. I don’t like people touching my stuff either, and Vicki is especially horrified because Luann is supposed to be the etiquette expert.

Naturally, we get a montage of Vicki gagging throughout Housewives history. Porsha wants to know how that works in the bedroom.

The women—especially Luann—decide Vicki needs sex. More specifically, orgasms. Luann announces that she has the best orgasms, and honestly? I believe her.

Luann calls Vicki controlling, and Vicki immediately gets defensive, saying she feels put down by Luann. Vicki is shouting, as usual, but honestly, I don’t even think she’s that angry. She’s just growling and screaming. It’s her natural setting.

The women seem to agree that Luann is being judgy and maybe putting herself on a pedestal. Luann gets defensive.

Porsha tries to teach everyone how to dance like a stripper, and suddenly I’m wishing we were watching more flashbacks. I don’t know what it is about this show, but I feel like nothing is happening.

Kyle does the splits, and I get my wish: flashbacks of Kyle doing the splits. I sigh.

Vicki doesn’t want to participate in the dance-off, and honestly, I’m grateful. Someone needs to know when to sit one out.

Lisa Barlow hasn’t said much, but she’s clearly having fun. She gets emotional talking about how happy she is to be laughing. Her show and cast have been so dark, and she feels like her castmates often laugh at her expense. It’s nice to see her genuinely enjoying herself.

Porsha shares stories about her life with Kordell from way back when. She was a very different kind of housewife then. She remembers watching these women on television, so being here with all of them is surreal for her.

The next day, we get some boring clips of the women getting ready, and even my husband just said this show is lackluster. So it’s not just me.

They’re headed to Sutton’s house for an Ugly Leather Pants luncheon, and Kyle wants to have fun celebrating all the iconic moments from her show.

We move to Sutton’s house, where Sutton is wearing an adorable dress. Crystal Minkoff is there, wearing THE original ugly leather pants. Even Crystal admits they’re kind of hideous, which makes for a cute moment.

I’m starting to think this might finally be picking up, and then we get more flashbacks. Name ’em.

Vicki thinks Crystal is Sutton, which is extremely on brand for Vicki. She lives in Vickiland.

Luann rearranges the place cards so she won’t have to sit next to Vicki, and suddenly I’m questioning her etiquette again. I’m pretty sure avoiding someone at lunch by secretly moving their name card isn’t in the etiquette handbook.

Everyone is impressed by Sutton’s lunch. There are eight servants!

The women fill Crystal and Sutton in on everything that’s happened so far, and Luann tells them that Vicki made a shrine to Slade, who called her “Porky Pig.”

Oh, Luann. You just made it so much worse.

Surprisingly, Vicki takes it well, but then digs up some dirt on Gizelle and Shannon from Love Island. Apparently, Shannon kissed Gizelle’s man, and Kyle reveals that Gizelle said she would sleep with Mauricio. Eeew.

This is getting good, but also nasty.

Teresa doesn’t know what “horizontal” means, and suddenly I’m enjoying this show.

Gizelle apologizes for joking about Mauricio. Kyle accepts the apology but still thinks Gizelle has the hots for her husband. Awkward.

They get a “Let the Mouse Go” cake for dessert to honor Sutton’s iconic line, and it’s actually adorable. Sutton turns it into a game called “Let the Mouse Go,” and the women divide into teams for a scavenger hunt based on clues from past shows and seasons.

They collect iconic RHOBH artifacts, including the infamous Kim/Rinna bunny and Yolanda’s lemons. Then they find Sutton’s vibrator, and…eeew again.

I’m glad we’re finally seeing the women doing things in real time, but honestly, it still isn’t very entertaining. I don’t know what it is about this show, but it feels like a lot of setup and not much actually happening.

They end the game by releasing a person dressed as a mouse, and it’s cute. But…nothing really happens.

Finally, we get previews for next week, which actually look a little interesting. Maybe we’re finally getting somewhere.

Check back Sunday, 8/23, for the recap!
RHOBH, Season 2, Episode 7–Game Night Gone Wild

August 16, 2026

We are at Dana’s infamous game night, where Kyle and Kim are going hard at Brandi. Kyle brings up Brandi’s sons and starts criticizing her parenting, which is just low. Brandi tries to defend herself, but Kyle and Kim are acting like Brandi is beneath them, repeatedly referencing “where she is from.”

Seriously, where the fuck are they from? I’ve read House of Hilton. They might want to shut up.

Brandi tells them to watch their mouths, and Kyle, who always reminds us that she is a girl’s girl, calls her “classless trash.” Brandi is crying, and I feel bad for her.

In later seasons, Brandi will absolutely enrage me, but at this point, I want to give her a hug.

Brandi says Kim started the insults, and she is right. She did. They continue ganging up on her and say she acts like trailer trash.

Then Brandi drops the line that changes the entire temperature of the room: “At least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night long, bitch.”

Suddenly, the Richards velociraptors are on their feet, pointing identical fingers at her and telling her to shut her mouth. It’s ugly. Taylor and Camille, looking on, are stunned.

Kyle and Kim nearly come to blows, and Taylor gets in between them. Kim gets that finger going and tells Brandi, “You are a slut pig.”

Dana tries to talk, and nobody cares.

Kyle is vile to Brandi. Brandi wants to leave, but Kim has hidden her crutches. These women are horrible. She wants to leave, and nobody speaks up. Instead, they are all coddling Kim while nobody can find the crutches.

When they finally find them, Brandi is ready to get the hell out of there.

Meanwhile, Dana is kissing Kim’s ass. Kim doesn’t even know Dana’s name. She calls her Pam.

Dana is desperate to make this party happen, so she starts inviting the women on a “healthy, safe girls’ trip.” Kyle is looking at her like she has absolutely lost her mind.

Dana wants to go on a journey with these women, she says. She says they have always been about that.

Kyle asks, “Who?”

And I die.

Dana has known these women approximately two minutes and just hosted what is possibly the worst game night in Housewives history. There is no “history” here. Girl, you barely know their names.

The next day, we see Adrienne walking across the street to Lisa’s house. It’s quite a hike. Champagne problems, and all.

Kyle is there, too, and I have a feeling we are in for a debrief of game night. Lisa, who wasn’t even there, has already heard it was a catastrophe.

Kyle gives a very slanted version of what happened, naturally. Lisa is immediately Team Kim/Kyle, but Adrienne seems much more dubious about the whole thing.

Brandi told Adrienne she was attacked, and she was. Anyone watching this would agree. At this point in the series, Brandi is clearly the underdog.

Taylor meets with Brandi to get her take on everything. Brandi says she is so upset that she hasn’t been eating or sleeping. She knows she crossed a line with the crystal meth comment, but she doesn’t necessarily know if she should even bother apologizing when the Richards sisters clearly hate her.

Taylor makes excuses for Kim, because apparently that’s what everyone does.

Brandi thinks there is a real problem going on with Kim.

There always is.

At Kyle’s, she is getting ready to go to Palm Desert with Kim and all of their kids. It is their first time away together like this since their Season 1 blowup in the limo, and Kyle is hoping for the best.

On the drive there, Kim shares that she has been using air freshener as breath spray for a week.

Kim may not be on meth, but she sure is a whackadoodle.

Kyle and Kim trade passive-aggressive barbs the entire ride. This trip, frankly, does not look like fun.

In the desert, at THE house that Kyle allegedly stole from Kim, we see Mauricio and it’s awkward. We also see flashbacks to the limo fight, and it’s even more uncomfortable.

Kyle gives us some background and insists that she bought Kim out of the house, fair and square. Kim tells us it was just a loan, and then they wouldn’t give back her shares.

It’s a little confusing, and Kim’s version seems odd, but so does Kim.

Kyle says the home is as much Kim’s as it is hers.

Nice try, but not really.

Over at Lisa’s, we meet event planner to the stars Kevin Lee for the first time. He is there to help them plan Lisa’s daughter Pandora’s wedding, which they are planning to have in their perfectly splendid secret garden.

Theirs.

Like, it’s in their yard.

I want this life.

Lisa acts like she is worried about the budget, but with what she spends on Giggy’s wardrobe, I find this hard to believe.

They are going to turn the tennis court into an enchanted garden for the reception, and it needs to hold 180 people. This all sounds gorgeous, but Kevin thinks they should go bigger.

It is, after all, Beverly Hills.

He also has strong opinions about what kind of dress Pandora should wear, and it’s kind of rude.

Kevin estimates their budget to be a million dollars, and Lisa says no way. She is looking to spend about $150,000.

We shall see who wins this epic clash.

Kim and Kyle go to lunch in the desert. Kyle is nosy and annoying, which is pretty much par for the course.

The kids are feeling the distance between the two sisters, but Kim is tired of Kyle acting like her mother.

Kim says they always have each other’s backs against other people, like at game night, but then turn around and pick at each other and fight.

We know that’s the truth. We’ve seen years of it.

Kim calls Kyle a know-it-all who always thinks she is right.

We’ve also seen years of that.

Camille is in her gorgeous Malibu home preparing for her charity event, which will be the first time most of the women are all together since game night—specifically, Kyle and Brandi.

At the event, Kyle and Lisa arrive, and Brandi hobbles in on crutches.

Hopefully nobody hides them this time.

Dana is shopping at the charity event, and she is so tacky it hurts. She buys real fur.

Yuck.

Lisa and Kyle argue about who will have to sit next to Brandi at the luncheon table. Lisa is being especially mean, considering what a champion she becomes for Brandi in later seasons.

And we all know how well that turns out for her.

Kyle and Brandi pretty much ignore each other.

Brandi sees Kyle and Lisa giggling and assumes it is about her. She thinks they are being childish.

She and Adrienne discuss game night, and again, it’s awkward because Kyle is sitting right there.

Lisa finally speaks to Brandi, but it’s barely an acknowledgment.

Brandi is brave to stay at this table. She is not in friendly waters.

Kim and Adrienne go for a walk, and Adrienne is supportive of Kim. Kim is adamant that she wants nothing to do with Brandi after game night.

Adrienne tells her that Brandi feels terrible about what she said, but Kim does not care.

They discuss Kim’s relationship with Kyle, and Kim admits that it has been strained ever since their Season 1 fight. Kim can’t forget that Kyle called her an alcoholic in the limo that night.

It was ugly.

I should recap that episode.

I shall put it on the list.

Keep the suggestions coming!