Others would see a 30-foot dinosaur charging directly at them and somehow make it about themselves.
These are the women who would not make it out of Jurassic Park alive.
1. Ramona Singer — RHONY
Ramona would absolutely refuse to believe the dinosaur was dangerous.
She’d scream, run in the wrong direction, trip over something, yell at whoever was standing closest to her, and then somehow blame the dinosaur for ruining her vacation.
She’d also insist she was “very good with animals.”
She would not be.
2. Sonja Morgan — RHONY
Sonja would wander away from the group because she “just wanted to see something.”
Thirty seconds later, everyone would hear screaming from the woods.
Someone would ask where Sonja went.
Ramona would say, “See! You should have gone this way!”
3. Kelly Bensimon — RHONY
Kelly would see a dinosaur and immediately decide she understood it on a spiritual level.
She’d try to communicate with it.
The dinosaur would eat her.
Kelly would somehow still believe the encounter went well.
4. Danielle Staub — RHONJ
Danielle wouldn’t necessarily be eaten first.
She’d just somehow turn the dinosaur into her mortal enemy.
There would be accusations.
There would be screaming.
There would be security.
There would probably be a book about the experience.
And at some point, Danielle would announce that the dinosaur had threatened her.
5. Brandi Glanville — RHOBH
Brandi would see the dinosaur, say something wildly inappropriate, and then make the questionable decision to approach it.
“It’s probably friendly.”
It would not be friendly.
Brandi’s final words would probably be something that couldn’t be printed on a family-friendly dinosaur exhibit.
6. Dorinda Medley — RHONY
Dorinda would be perfectly capable of surviving the dinosaur.
The problem is that she’d stop to argue with it.
“You’re making me angry.”
The dinosaur would roar.
“I MADE IT NICE!”
The dinosaur would eat her.
And honestly, it would probably feel like the dinosaur won an argument it didn’t even know it was having.
7. Kelly Dodd — RHOC
Kelly would not run from the dinosaur.
She’d yell at it.
She’d accuse it of being stupid.
She’d tell everyone else that they were overreacting.
Then she’d somehow get into a fight with the dinosaur.
This is one of the few scenarios where Kelly Dodd might actually out-chaos the animal.
8. Aviva Drescher — RHONY
Aviva would absolutely survive the initial dinosaur attack.
Unfortunately, she’d eventually lose a body part and spend the rest of the afternoon insisting that everyone was being insensitive about it.
And if anyone questioned the story?
“THEY’RE ALL LIARS.”
9. Teresa Giudice — RHONJ
Teresa would actually have a decent chance.
Until someone suggested that the dinosaur was disrespecting her family.
Then she’d flip a table.
At a dinosaur.
Which is probably not an effective survival strategy.
10. Luann de Lesseps — RHONY
Luann would assume she could charm the dinosaur.
She’d approach it with complete confidence, probably humming something under her breath.
The dinosaur would eat her.
And somewhere in the distance, someone would hear:
Ramona and Bethenny are still fighting over the damn salad Bethenny made for lunch.
Yes, the salad.
Ramona wants to go out for lunch, and somehow this has become a major conflict. Bethenny thinks Ramona is being selfish and manic, and honestly, Ramona is certainly not helping her case.
Eventually, they move on, and everyone loves the salad.
Yay.
Crisis averted.
At lunch, Ramona brings up her book and starts tossing around some possible titles. This should be a fun, casual conversation, but Bethenny immediately turns into the world’s leading authority on book titles, publishing, writing, and apparently everything else.
She talks over everyone and doesn’t really leave much room for anyone else to contribute.
Heather is visibly annoyed.
And I don’t blame her.
Bethenny may know a lot of things, but she does not need to personally moderate every conversation she is in.
Bethenny overhears Heather talking about her and immediately confronts her.
Naturally.
Bethenny basically confirms Heather’s entire complaint by announcing that she actually does know it all. She tells Heather that if anyone has a problem with that, they can come at her.
Well, okay then.
And there you go.
The salad has barely been eaten and we are already onto the next fight.
Fortunately, this one has an incredibly short shelf life. Bethenny and Heather talk it out and agree that they actually like each other.
And just like that, another crisis has been averted.
The ladies head out for dinner at The Conch Shack, and the place looks awesome.
I am crazy about conch.
I like big conch and I cannot lie.
The women are hoping for a nice, relaxing night out with the girls, but Ramona has other plans.
Ramona is on the prowl.
The other women are looking for dinner and drinks with their friends. Ramona appears to be looking for something else entirely.
Well, something else with a pulse.
Let the conch hunt begin.
It’s Bethenny’s last night on the trip, and she and Heather seem to be getting along really well.
Meanwhile, all of the women are sitting around the table while Ramona wanders around with her tits hanging out, apparently conducting her own personal singles survey.
At some point, Bethenny and Carole wander off and strike up a conversation with the owner of the restaurant.
Everything seems perfectly normal until Ramona spots the available conch.
She immediately barges over and positions herself between Bethenny, Carole, and the poor man.
Ramona is not about to lose her chance.
She comes in hard, completely taking over the conversation while the owner looks increasingly overwhelmed.
Bethenny and Carole are absolutely stunned.
I have never seen someone pursue conch with this level of determination.
The Countess starts crawling around playing with the local dogs, which is definitely worth noting, while the rest of the women discuss how horrible Ramona is.
The next day, Bethenny heads out for her flight, and she seems pretty happy with how the trip went.
Me thinks she may be getting out just in time.
The women are still annoyed about Ramona’s behavior the night before and call her out for being rude. They head to a hotel for lunch, where Ramona and Sonja promptly show up late.
Everyone has had it with their antics.
Carole is so annoyed that she won’t even look at Ramona, but eventually she has something to say about her behavior.
Ramona immediately goes into teary mode and says she is lonely.
And then, because Ramona can apparently never leave well enough alone, she brings up the fact that Carole is fucking a 28-year-old.
This does not sit well with Carole.
Ramona gives one of her bullshit apologies, and everyone basically accepts it because there is no reasoning with Ramona.
At some point, Luann and Sonja step away from the table to talk about their own issues.
Luann is concerned about Sonja’s drinking, but she feels like Sonja lashed out at her when she tried to address it.
The two of them talk it through and eventually agree to move on.
And just like that, another Housewives crisis has been temporarily put to bed.
They head out to dinner, and Dorinda is lit the fuck up.
She is in full Dorinda mode, slurring and spitting as she informs Heather that Heather says “fuck” too much.
This is particularly impressive because Dorinda is so drunk that I can barely understand what the hell she is saying.
She goes on and on about how cursing is unladylike, while simultaneously slurring her words and spitting all over the place.
The Countess decides to pile on, because apparently this is now a formal meeting of the Ladies Against Fuck.
Never mind that Luann curses like a sailor herself.
Soon enough, everyone is cursing and yelling at each other about whether or not it is appropriate to curse.
Dorinda finally slams her hands down and stomps away from the table.
Now she is crying.
Unfortunately, no one can understand what she is saying through the combination of tears, spit, and whatever food is still in her mouth.
This has officially become less of a dinner and more of a Dorinda performance piece.
The episode picks up at Dorit and Erika’s birthday dinner, where Amanda is still processing her alleged confrontation with Dorit at Rachel’s summer party.
Naturally, Amanda has pulled out her phone to determine whether she used the word “accosted” correctly.
She did not.
Amanda believes Dorit was aggressive toward her when Dorit questioned her about supposedly saying that Dorit shouldn’t speak negatively about P.K. during their divorce. Dorit apparently wanted to know what Amanda had been saying, which seems like a fairly reasonable question considering Amanda was, in fact, talking about her.
Amanda then told Dorit that she couldn’t discuss it because that particular night was the anniversary of her infant son’s death.
And this is where things apparently become much bigger in Amanda’s mind.
Amanda has decided that Dorit’s questioning her at the party was evidence that Dorit is aggressive toward her. Because nothing says “aggressive” quite like asking someone why they said something about you.
So now Amanda is consulting the dictionary, revisiting the incident, and building a case against Dorit based on a conversation that most people probably would have forgotten by dessert.
The birthday dinner has officially become a courtroom, and Amanda has appointed herself both prosecutor and expert witness.
The rest of the women look completely exhausted by Amanda’s latest installment of The Dorit Investigation, with Boz in particular seeming like she has reached the absolute limit of her patience.
And I am not going to pretend to be objective here: I cannot stand Amanda.
There. I said it.
Maybe it’s the smug little facial expressions. Maybe it’s the constant need to turn every minor interaction into a major emotional event. Maybe it’s the way she seems to believe every conversation requires a full forensic analysis afterward.
Whatever it is, she drives me absolutely insane.
Every time Amanda makes that smug little face, I want to reach through the television and give her a tiny Jurassic Snark smack.
So imagine my delight when I learned that Amanda was one-and-done and would not be returning next season.
Anyhow, Amanda continues to go on and on about how horrible Dorit supposedly is.
Amanda finally explains that whatever she said about P.K. and Dorit’s divorce was merely her repeating Kyle’s sentiments.
Uh oh.
Just when it looked like Dorit and Kyle might actually be capable of getting along, Amanda has helpfully dragged Kyle right back into the middle of the mess.
Dorit points out that Kyle has known her for ten years, so Kyle is entitled to have an opinion about her marriage and divorce. Amanda, on the other hand, barely knows any of these people and probably should not be inserting herself into their personal lives.
Honestly, this seems like a pretty reasonable distinction.
Dorit also makes it clear that she is pissed that Kyle has been discussing all of this with Amanda. And I can’t really blame her. There is a big difference between your longtime friend having an opinion about your divorce and someone you barely know carrying that opinion around like it’s classified intelligence.
Amanda has somehow managed to turn Dorit asking her a question into a full-blown feud, and now Kyle has been dragged into it.
Mission accomplished, I guess.
I absolutely love the looks on the other women’s faces every time Amanda starts talking. They are trying to be polite, but the expressions are saying everything.
They cannot with this woman.
And honestly, neither can I.
Kyle now jumps into the conversation and cautions Dorit about using “strong” words when talking about P.K. Kyle doesn’t understand why Dorit is poking the bear, which is an interesting choice of words considering Dorit is already sitting there visibly irritated.
Dorit is not having it.
Kyle keeps interrupting her, trying to explain why she thinks Dorit should just leave P.K. alone. Dorit attempts to respond, but Kyle keeps cutting her off.
Then Kyle asks, “Do you remember?!”
Oh, Dorit remembers.
In fact, Dorit remembers so well that she is now thoroughly pissed off.
And THIS, Amanda, is aggressive Dorit.
Take a note.
You have spent all night describing Dorit as aggressive because she questioned you about something you said. What you are witnessing now is what happens when Dorit actually gets angry.
You’ll know her when you see her.
Dorit says Kyle has made her point, to several people.
Dorit is not buying Kyle’s concern, and neither am I.
There is something about Kyle suddenly becoming the voice of reason that feels less like genuine concern and more like Kyle realizing there is an opportunity to stir the pot.
Kyle is always producing.
Rachel actually sticks up for Dorit and points out that she cannot be expected to take the high road every single time when it comes to P.K. She says nobody should be judging Dorit for how she handles her divorce.
Thank you, Rachel.
Dorit then blames Kyle for starting the whole thing in the first place, which Kyle obviously does not appreciate.
Kyle insists that Dorit’s anger is misdirected.
Maybe it is. But Kyle also seems to have conveniently forgotten that she was the one who apparently gave Amanda the ammunition in the first place.
Dorit is pissed, Amanda is still talking, Kyle is interrupting, and the rest of the women are sitting there with the facial expressions of people who would very much like to be somewhere else.
Kyle finally tells Dorit that she needs to “let people fucking talk.”
Oh, Kyle.
Kyle apparently does not realize that she has spent approximately 90 percent of this dinner interrupting people and speaking over them, so there is just a tiny dash of hypocrisy sprinkled into the evening.
Dorit responds by making a big show of sitting there silently while Kyle talks.
Kyle tells Dorit to grow up, which is a bold thing to say while actively participating in an argument that you helped create.
Erika, meanwhile, thinks Kyle needs to stay out of the entire situation.
Erika understands the assignment.
Unfortunately, we all know Kyle is not going to stay out of it.
Kyle getting involved in other people’s business is basically a full-time job at this point.
And somewhere, Amanda is probably checking her phone to see whether “hypocrisy” is the right word.
Amanda announces that this entire communication style is not something she is used to.
Boz tells her to be an adult.
I love Boz.
Amanda then says she has never experienced anything like these women before. Dorit immediately points out that Amanda was literally in a cult.
LMAO.
THIS IS THE BEST DINNER EVER.
Amanda suddenly does not want to talk about the cult, despite having just described herself as an open book.
Dorit points out that she would imagine being in a cult was probably a little more difficult than sitting through a tense dinner party.
I mean…
Dorit has a point.
Amanda, however, does not want to discuss that particular chapter of her life and instead launches into a discussion about her nervous system.
Of course she does.
Boz once again tells her to grow up, and at this point I think Boz deserves a medal for having the patience to sit through this dinner.
Every time Amanda starts talking, another woman looks like she is mentally packing her purse.
Rachel reminds everyone that her own divorce is playing out all over the media, so she understands exactly how difficult this situation can be. She admits that she is also a little bit of a ticking time bomb right now.
Then she puts on her fabulous sunglasses and starts crying.
Boz and Dorit immediately comfort her, and it’s actually a genuinely sweet moment in the middle of this absolute disaster of a dinner.
Amanda, meanwhile, looks completely confused and overwhelmed by the entire situation.
At this point, I have one piece of advice for Amanda:
Go home.
These women are clearly operating at a level of Housewives emotional chaos that she was not prepared for, and honestly, I’m not sure she has the nervous system for it.
The poor staff now tries to bring out the birthday cakes, but absolutely nobody is in the mood for birthday cake.
Everyone looks exhausted. The energy is completely dead. At this point, the only thing anyone wants is to go home.
Rachel’s hot girl summer is officially off to a lousy start.
Later, we see Dorit taking notes for her book.
Did anybody read it?
I’ll wait.
Meanwhile, Boz is celebrating her daughter getting her driver’s license by giving her a Maserati.
A Maserati.
Totally fancy.
I am beginning to understand that Boz does not do “congratulations” with a gift card and a balloon.
We then see Amanda at home.
I don’t care.
Moving on.
Kyle and her daughter Alexia are checking out a ranch as a potential wedding venue, and it is actually really cute. There are animals everywhere, which immediately makes it one of my favorite locations on this show.
Over at Kathy’s, she and Rachel are getting vitamin shots and drips because apparently even relaxation requires medical equipment in Beverly Hills.
Kathy checks in with Rachel to see how she is doing, which is actually sweet after everything that happened at dinner. Rachel has certainly had an emotional night, and it’s nice to see someone checking on her without turning it into another argument.
Meanwhile, Boz and Keely get the results from the egg retrieval.
Unfortunately, the news is not good. The embryos did not develop to the stage where they could be implanted.
Boz is understandably very emotional, and it’s a genuinely sad moment.
Sutton, Dorit, and Rachel meet for lunch, and naturally, they revisit all of the Amanda crap from the Birthday Dinner From Hell.
Meanwhile, Kyle and Amanda go for a walk to discuss the dinner.
Kyle, being the wonderful friend that she is, blames Dorit for basically everything.
Of course she does.
Back at lunch, the women start discussing Amanda’s history with the cult.
They clearly don’t really understand what Amanda is telling them, and they aren’t entirely buying it either. There seems to be a general feeling that something about Amanda’s story just isn’t adding up.
Some Housewives were born for reality television. They can fight, stir the pot, deliver a confessional, and somehow remain completely comfortable while their personal lives are falling apart.
And then there are the Housewives who seemed to walk into Bravo wondering what the hell they had gotten themselves into.
Here are 10 women from the franchises we recap who just never seemed completely built for the Housewives ecosystem.
10. Peggy Tanous — RHOC
Peggy arrived in Orange County with the looks, the money, the family, and all the things you would expect from a Housewife.
But she never quite seemed to settle into the chaos around her. She felt more like someone observing the Housewives circus than someone who had been sent there to participate in it.
Orange County ate her up and moved on.
9. Lizzie Rovsek — RHOC
Lizzie was perfectly capable of being an Orange County Housewife. She was beautiful, wealthy, married, and surrounded by plenty of drama.
The problem was that she often seemed far more interested in maintaining her composure than throwing herself into the nonsense.
And composure is not exactly a survival skill in the Housewives jungle.
8. Lydia McLaughlin — RHOC
Lydia was almost aggressively nice.
Which is a little problematic when your job requires you to spend months surrounded by women who can turn a perfectly pleasant dinner into a five-alarm emotional emergency.
She had her moments, but Lydia never seemed particularly comfortable with the darker side of Housewives.
7. Kathryn Edwards — RHOBH
Kathryn came into Beverly Hills with an impressive résumé, plenty of connections, and a history that could have generated an entire season of drama.
Instead, she often seemed like she was watching Housewives from the inside.
She was interesting, but she never quite developed the instinct for the reality-TV game that some of the other Beverly Hills dinosaurs had mastered.
6. Carlton Gebbia — RHOBH
Carlton had everything you would think would make someone perfect for Beverly Hills: an enormous house, money, a fascinating personal life, and an extremely distinctive personality.
And yet she somehow never fit into the group.
Carlton wasn’t boring. She just felt like she had wandered into the wrong reality show and decided to stay for one season.
5. Eboni K. Williams — RHONY
Eboni came onto RHONY with a very different background and a clear idea of the conversations she wanted to have.
Unfortunately, she was dropped into a cast that had spent years operating according to an entirely different set of rules.
The result was often uncomfortable rather than effortless, and her one season became part of one of RHONY’s strangest periods.
Eboni wasn’t necessarily bad at television.
She just wasn’t a natural fit for that particular Housewives ecosystem.
4. Kristen Taekman — RHONY
Kristen was gorgeous, successful, and perfectly capable of holding her own.
But she often seemed like the normal person who accidentally got trapped in a room full of RHONY lunatics.
Whether she was dealing with Ramona, Bethenny, or the endless social warfare, Kristen frequently seemed to be wondering why everyone was making such a big deal out of everything.
Which, to be fair, is probably what most normal people would do.
3. Cindy Barshop — RHONY
Cindy arrived in New York as a successful businesswoman who already had her own life and career.
Unfortunately, being successful in the real world doesn’t necessarily prepare you for sitting around with Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan.
Cindy never really found her place in the group and lasted only one season.
She was built to run a business.
She was not built to survive the RHONY dinosaur enclosure.
2. Jules Wainstein — RHONY
Jules had plenty going on in her personal life, but the constant scrutiny and bizarre social dynamics of RHONY never seemed like a particularly natural fit for her.
She was fascinating and certainly wasn’t lacking in story.
But Housewives requires a very specific kind of survival instinct, and Jules never seemed completely comfortable playing the game.
1. Alex McCord — RHONY
Alex was fascinating because she sometimes seemed to be trying to figure out the Housewives rulebook while everyone else had already thrown theirs into the garbage.
She was intelligent, unusual, and willing to participate, but her attempts to navigate the RHONY social hierarchy could feel painfully awkward.
Then came Morocco.
Alex’s journey through that trip remains one of the greatest examples of someone discovering that Housewives etiquette has absolutely nothing to do with normal human behavior.
Alex wasn’t necessarily bad at reality television.
She was just operating on a completely different frequency from the rest of the cast.
And sometimes, that’s exactly what makes a Housewife memorable.
The lesson?
Being rich, glamorous, successful, or interesting doesn’t automatically mean you’re built for Housewives.
Sometimes you can have everything Bravo is looking for on paper and still walk into the dinosaur enclosure and immediately realize you’ve made a terrible mistake.
Jurassic Snark: A Place to Excavate The Real Housewives 